The Daily Hailey

I read an article a while back that talked about milestones in a pregnancy after loss. I looked for it to reference it here, but there are a handful, and I’m just not sure which one I read originally, so feel free to do some searching of your own. But the BIG one is passing the point where you lost your last baby. I’ve talked a bit about it on here before, but to clarify, Jamin measured 14w3d when he was born at 16w3d. I have reason to believe that Jamin lived a little bit beyond 14w3d, but measured a bit smaller as time moved forward without him. Today, I am 15 weeks. Its a strange, bittersweet time of wondering over here. Somewhere in this stretch of time, we lost our little boy. I don’t know when exactly, but I’m desperately hoping not to relive that experience. Must. Survive. Another. Two. Weeks. MUST. We’ve made it this far, and we’ve made it further in the past. Hopefully we get another chance.

Size Comparison: According to Ovia, baby’s size is comparable to that of an avocado, a yellow canary, an eclair, or a small box of 8 crayons. I liked this list 🙂 It felt more relatable than usual. It specified the baby to be about 4″ tall, and a few days ago, our scan measured baby at 3.3″ from head to butt, so with legs, its probably evened out to around 4″. We tried to find a toy or something that was comparable in size. The best we could come up with was a Charlie Brown bobble head from McDonalds. 🤷 Better than nothing!

Appointments: I had an ultrasound on Thursday last week. I made a post about it because I just couldn’t resist. It was SUCH a good appointment! Seeing the baby move SO MUCH, and seeing so many little organs operating as they should was just so exciting! It brought back funny memories of past ultrasound of past kids. I can’t remember who did what, but we’ve seen a kid scratch their butt, and we’ve even witnessed our kid pee IN THE WOMB! Hahaha! Its been pretty crazy in the past, and while this baby hasn’t done anything too ridiculous just yet, I eagerly anticipate whats to come. Perhaps Bambino is saving all of their antics for the outside world. I can’t wait! Except I can. Ultrasound appointments seem to remind me to be excited, and open me up to daydreaming again. I love that.

How and I feeling emotionally: I touched on this in my intro. Its a strange time. I’m right in between the days of when Jamin passed away, and when we found out about his passing. Plus, his due date also happens to be looming in the next little while. My heart is heavy, to say the very very least. Excitement for Bambino plus sorrow for Jamin are sandwiched together and topped off with a heap of guilt. Its a lot to process. I lost quite a bit of sleep over it last night, actually. These are not the only significant dates floating around in the near future right now, but I’ll talk more about that soon enough. My emotions are suffering, if I’m being honest. No matter how many times I tell myself that what happened with Jamin isn’t common, or likely to happen again, I still wonder when its going to happen with Bambino. Not the healthiest I’ve ever been.

How am I feeling physically: I have a few things to note in this section this week! My nausea is definitely almost gone. I could probably stop taking diclectin altogether, but I don’t have the nerve to risk it just yet. Maybe I’ll drop another one of the doses this week and see how it goes. I already skip the afternoon one, so maybe I could drop the morning one and just keep the dose before bed, since it seems the lack of eating is the only thing that really leaves me feeling sick these days. Other than that, the waddle has begun! And NOT because I’m that big yet, but because my back and one of my legs hurt SO bad! I have to call my physiotherapist stat, because YIKES, everything already hurts so bad. The last thing I’ll note is maybe a bit too personal for the internet, but I can hack it if you can. My boobs hurt a bit less than they have, and I think they finally grew, haha! So maybe the last 10-ish weeks of pain will finally have paid off and that can relax for a bit.Whew!

Wish List/Purchases: I ordered a couple of bathing suit tops online a couple of days ago. I was thinking ahead to summer and realizing I’m going to have some jelly belly to tuck away as I sunbathe on the beach at three weeks postpartum. In ordering those, I got excited to think ahead to the tiny little baby that will hopefully join us at the lake this summer! While our babies are definitely on the larger side of things, and tend to start life wearing 3 month clothing, they all have waists of newborns. Don’t ask me why, but thats just the case! If our baby is indeed a boy, we’re going to need to purchase some teeny tiny newborn shorts for the beach, and I’m SO excited about that!! Eek! I can’t wait to find out!! Soon, I hope!

Pictures: My friend and photographer, Cher, came by this morning for another little photo session with me! Its so fun getting to have record of where I am each month, how I’m progressing in the pregnancy, and the general vibe around here. She lovingly agreed to get this mornings pictures edited and sent to me TODAY, for the sake of today’s post 🙂 So, behold! Hailey and Bambino at 15 weeks along ❤️

How are the kids feeling: This is kind of an awkward one, haha! Its not a secret that the kids are super happy and excited to add another sibling to the mix. Its on their minds a lot. Dekker, being the sensitive little man he is, has babies on the brain a lot of the time. So much so, in fact, that he told me that someone in our life is pregnant. I won’t name who, but he was convinced she was pregnant. I asked him for details, and he had them! He claimed he’s known since around Halloween, what gender the mother suspected she was having, etc. I felt terrible having missed the memo that she was pregnant, but upon confirming with her, she in fact was not. 😯 So I felt AWFUL, and she graciously laughed it off. I don’t think he was lying, though. I think he was convinced! He has such specific examples involving other people and situations! But my gosh, what an awful thing to mistake! Aaaaayway, that being said, I think Dekker is in deep thought about babies right now, haha! Perhaps too much.

Get to know the new baby: We all know this category is really just for me to daydream about who this baby is going to be 😉 I’m looking forward to being further along and being able to tell you what foods the baby responds to, or whether its up all night, or things like that. But really, at this point, its just how I like to view things. This week, I can just tell you that this baby is so so loved and anticipated by so many people! We had our ultrasound last week, and the tech joked about how our baby is the most photographed baby for their age, and that she is really enjoying following our pregnancy so closely and seeing the baby grow and develop consistently 🙂 I love that she seems to be somewhat invested in our family <3 My doctor called me the next day to make sure I got all the info I wanted and that I felt satisfied with it all. She commented to me that the tech must really like us. I kind of laughed at said I didn’t know about that, but she sure liked her! Dr. Guselle said there was WAY more info on his report than there usually is at this point in pregnancy. She said the baby is almost never “weighed” at this point, but our baby was noted as weighing 92 grams! Eek! SO little! I like how many people are along for the ride, anticipating our baby and going the extra mile for him/her. I hope our baby is born very content, knowing just how loved they are.

The BEST part of being pregnant: This week, I held a little baby boy belonging to a dear friend of mine. We were pregnant together until I lost Jamin. Our boys would’ve been a month or so apart. I finally got my chance to snuggle him the other day, and it was SO good for my aching arms to hold a baby. While I wish it were my own baby I was holding, it seemed to satisfy a part of my heart to feel those ultra-soft baby cheeks, smell that new baby smell, and hold his tiny little fingers. Best of all, I didn’t even cry! Though I know it would’ve been ok had I cried. Its good to have friends that you can trust like that 😉 I really enjoyed this chance this last week, to remember how sweet the end result of this whole thing can be. It gave me another moment in time to forget the scary stuff and just be excited.

Baby item recommendation/favorite thing: My favorite thing this week is my big bathtub!! I say that for more reasons than it just being luxurious. It SAVES my body!! In Grey’s Anatomy, they talk about wanting a bathtub that can cover your knees and boobs at the same time, and guys, I have that tub.

I close out each evening with the kids in full waddle, and if I skip my evening soak, I am in just as bad shape as the day before! If I do have that soak, I’m pretty much back to brand new in the morning! So, its key. And I’m SO thankful for it!

Really, all things considering, its been a good week baby-wise. Just a bit of a confusing one for my heart and emotions :/ What I DO know is how thankful I am to have everything and everyone I DO have!! I’ll leave you with one last adorable picture, from Cher, of Solly 😍 because he’s too cute to boot!

This kid is trouble, I tell ya. The BEST kind of trouble, easily.