The Daily Hailey

I don’t even know how to begin today’s post. I can’t even think. I’m sure you’ve noticed that my amazing brother, Simon, took my blog over for a couple of days. I couldn’t be more grateful for that. By default, you may have noticed that I sort of dropped off the map.

I can hardly bear to even write it. Our little papoose went to be with the Lord. He’s already been there for a while, but once again, I had no indication whatsoever. When we couldn’t find his heartbeat in my routine 16 week appointment on Thursday, I managed to get an ultrasound that afternoon, and sure enough, his beautiful little body was tucked away in my womb, ever so safely. No movement, no heartbeat, no life. He had been gone for two weeks, measuring him to be around 14 weeks and 3 days. We all wept, hard. Even our poor ultrasound tech. She has seen us through two losses now, and wanted a positive scan just as badly as we did. By “we,” I mean my mom and I. Of all days, Brady was holed up at home, vomiting and the like, and there was just no way for us to be together. I am SO thankful I had my mom at my side. I don’t know how I would’ve made it through the day alone.

It didn’t end there. I had to go back to my doctor, who said I was too far along to safely deliver at home, and asked if I would consent to a D&C. I agreed, and she went off to make the call. I just wanted it done.

My mom and I headed right to the hospital from there, and waited to meet an OB. When we did, we were told the baby was too big to pass safely in a D&C. So I was admitted and induced. Slowly, in the middle of the night. My mom stayed with me the whole time.

I don’t know how gory to get, so I’ll be safe.

I delivered my baby at 6:38am, on August 18th. The baby that everyone thought was a girl turned out to be a BOY! What an amazing surprise! He weighed 60 grams and was 13.5 cms long. Just a little guy. I wish Brady had been there but I was SO grateful to have my mom. If it couldn’t be Brady, it was perfect that it was my mom. I called Brady once the panic had died down, and he right away called Jerilee, who came running to watch the kids so Brady could come be with us.

It was a long, long day. SO many tears were shed. SO many ugly decisions were made that no one should ever have to make. But SO much love was shared. We spent hours with our tiny little son, holding him, kissing him, praying for him, grieving him. It went from brutal to peaceful and back again so many times. We were given all the time we needed. We were NEVER rushed. After a while, we could tell it was time for him to go. His little body just wasn’t ready for life on earth.

We made our choices, said our goodbyes, and gave our baby away to our nurse. And then we wept until we couldn’t anymore.

We named our baby Jamin. It means “at the right hand of favour,” which is exactly where we believe he is, and what a beautiful place that is. Not only is he with his brother up there, but He is with Jesus. He is perfect. And he never had to be imperfect, which is amazing. Amazing for him, but so so hard for us.

Give us peace, Lord. Please.