This morning, while setting up some music with a friend, a song brought a thought forward to me, and I feel the need to hash it out a little.
Its almost Christmas. Looking back to where I was last Christmas has been a hard thing for me over the last couple of weeks. Last Christmas, we told the kids we were pregnant with our little schnookums, Theo. I was 8 weeks when we told them. Little did we know, we stopped growing just days later, and lived in my womb for another 3-ish weeks before we found out he was gone. But we were eight weeks pregnant at Christmas. This year, we’ll hopefully be 12 weeks pregnant. Hopefully. While I know there has been more to this year than our sorrow alone, its easy to look at this year and think that, in 52 weeks, we only moved 4 weeks further ahead. And thats IF we keep moving ahead. Its felt like a year of back pedalling. Two weeks forward, 18 weeks back, 17 weeks forward, 10 weeks back, 8 weeks forward… We need more forward weeks.
Trust me, friends. I know there is more to life than having babies. I was so ignorant and unknowing about things like infertility or infant loss until I began having children and learned of how many people just ache for them, but haven’t been able to have them, for one reason or another. There are also many people who live amazing, fulfilling lives and who don’t want children. I’m not saying having babies is the end all and be all. Not everyone HAS to have children. I cannot stress this enough. I do NOT think my life is more important than yours! Hear me in this! But guys, my heart is there. My heart just hurts for a big family, and sometimes I forget just how good I have it. I do see it, I promise.
We have moved forward this year. More than just four weeks. Its hard to see past what we lost and pinpoint what we’ve gained. I won’t lie. I have a hard time nailing done what we’ve accomplished, but I know those details are there. Dekker and Laela accepted Jesus into their hearts this year, and I know that our experience losing Theo played a large role in that. It also eased their precious hearts when we lost Jamin a few months after that. The talk of salvation and Jesus and Heaven has been exciting for everyone around here, and if that’s all we “gained” this year, I’d say thats a pretty good takeaway.
There are still a few more weeks to make December great, and to “gain ground” in our lives. I know that opportunity never goes away, but its easy to remember where you were at the same time last year. How far have you guys come? <3
It’s an amazing journey… this life we live…..as grandpa would say…. “full of adventures”. Your grandpa, my dad, was a strong and beautiful man that many of us looked up to. But I really do believe his strength was in loving others and receiving and accepting life as it was given to him. I look back over this year and feel like perhaps I’ve lost a little ground in some of my challenges over this time. It really wants to make me sad and it does sometimes. Yet, isn’t that the adventure. There is a time to laugh and a time to cry… a time to grieve and a time to dance….a time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones…..a time to embrace and a time to turn away…. and the list goes on. So how do we do this adventure, called life? Dad always seemed to find a way to help others. Even in his dying days his heart was open and pouring out love. That, to me, is a miracle from God and I want to live in that miracle too! May God comfort you and lift you up, my dear girl. And remember Hailey, something great that has happened over this year is that you have loved your children and your husband well and made a difference in their lives, and they have been able to make a difference in yours. You have grown closer together and to God. You have learned things that you have shared with us and helped some of us along the way also. Your open heart, has been a light as you have walked through this journey and that matters. I love you Hailey!
This is such a beautiful comment, mom <3 You're right that the best way to do life is to help and put into others! There have been so many days this year where I've just felt tapped out, but my desire to put into others is stronger than its ever been, I believe. Hopefully there is still time this year to do good, and lots next year. Thank you for thinking the best of me over this year, even though its been such a struggle, and you've been alongside it the entire time. I appreciate and love you SO much <3