While I don’t actually anticipate we’ll find any semblance of normal anytime soon, the search has begun. Sort of. More realistically, we need to find it.
I’m trying really hard to do the best I can do for my body and soul. I’m resting often, crying lots, talking about my struggle (you may have noticed that one) and letting myself grieve to the fullest. I’m surfacing when I have to, trying to be more present, and trying to reach out to others, even just in teeny tiny ways. I’m trying, though, guys. I want to do give myself the best chance of recovery, whatever that looks like, without sinking too deep.
What I’m calling “normal” right now is just the ability to deal with reality, and right now, that is SCHOOL! Dekker starts school full time next week. Its SO SOON! I’m honestly really excited for it. Not because Dekker will be gone, but because he is so excited! For the first half of summer, he really didn’t even look back at school. He didn’t miss anyone or anything, and he was just thrilled to be home. But he’s recently gotten a bit twitchy, much more energetic, and he’s been talking about his friends. He is so ready to go back!
His first week at school will just be a bit of an adjustment process for everyone, but won’t be too terribly busy beyond school itself. The next week is SLAMMED full, with Laela starting preschool!! She is SO excited to go, and I don’t anticipate many nerves or tears when I drop her off. She is so happy to go, and I know she’ll have a total blast 🙂 Both she and Dekker got a solid refresh yesterday afternoon.
Laela’s FIRST haircut!! (Thats a whole other story! 😂)
All of this being said, with all the positivity of whats to come, I can barely sort out which way is up without even adding school. My brain is still so foggy, and I want so badly to be dependable and reliable, but I’m positive I’m going to miss something.
With having just lost our beautiful Jamin, I feel so in over my head as it is, and now I have to reintegrate into the routine of school, and even that has changed! Dekker will be in full time this year, and Laela will be in preschool two days a week for just a short chunk of time. Co-op preschool comes with additional commitments, which I know about and accept, but it all feels huge currently. With this, I have some extra doctors appointments coming up soon, for obvious reasons, and beyond that, we also have important things in our life like friendships and our family who we want to put effort and love into as well. I’m not certain how I’m going to keep track of everything.
I feel like navigating JUST our loss is a big job on its own. And I feel like JUST navigating the re-entry into the school year is a big job, too. And I currently feel somewhat unprepared for even a single big job, being at possibly my weakest point. Possibly my breaking point. I’m not sure I’m strong enough for this next part, but I have to learn. I have to be able to put one foot in front of the other.
It is SO convenient that Brady has had a quieter season of work in the recent past. While its never fun to go through a slump, they always seem to come at exactly the right time. God clearly knows.