I’m pretty careful to talk about what triggers my anxiety. Sometimes, I think some people use the term a little too loosely, and its almost become a trend to be “triggered.” Please don’t take what I’m saying to mean that I don’t think triggers are real. They absolutely are. I’m just careful. But I’m going to tell you about one of mine today.
Brady’s spinal surgery was a huge deal. It was an incredibly challenging time for us. You may or may not remember, but we did not know he was going to come out paralyzed. We knew it was a risk, of course, but we literally thought he’d be in the hospital over the weekend, but he stayed for nine long weeks. Many rude awakenings.
Brady had a pulmonary embolism shortly after switching hospitals. He had a blood clot shake loose from his ankle (since he wasn’t able to walk after surgery) travel up his body, pump through his heart, and land in his lung. People absolutely die from this. If the clot lodged in his heart, that would’ve been it.
So as you can imagine, we thought a lot about the possibility of death and dying. I remember pulling over and calculating how long we could stretch our life insurance policy if Brady passed. There was a LOT of fear for a bit there.
The first time I couldn’t open a jar, a trigger was born. The total, irrational fear surrounding such a mundane task as opening a jar that I could not open. I remember sitting on the floor in the kitchen, on the other side of the island, separate from the kids, trying to think of who I would call when I couldn’t open a jar, even with all my grippy things. Tom? What if Tom was at work? I really just didn’t know what I’d do. It felt like something I NEEDED Brady for.
I tried really hard to be really well while Brady was away, so instead of dwelling somewhere scary, I took it upon myself to simply purchase a jar opener. One of these suckers.
And that stupid thing broke the very first time I tried to use it. So I was back to square one.
You might have noticed, but my husband came home 💜 Praise God!!! He still opens my jars. And Dekker is getting older and stronger, and can sometimes help as well.
But today. Ugh. Stupid Costco milk. Do you guys know about this?? They do NOT open!!! After positively reefing on it, and passing it around between the kids, we finally got the stupid thing open. But here I am, with the palm of my hand showing the work put in.
And it just takes me back. And not somewhere nice.
Brady, I am SO happy you lived. And then kept living. And then thriving 💜 We need you here.
We should renew our vows someday so we can include jar opening somehow.