The Daily Hailey

💜 GUEST POST 💜

Today is August 2nd, which means that it is the first month since December 2017 that I won’t be documenting Waverly because the project that Hailey and I had planned is complete. Waverly Violet is 13 months old. I had a feeling of disappointment today while I was sitting on Hailey’s couch. I said this is the first 2nd of the month that we won’t be taking pictures. We both kind of sat there looking at each other like “now what” and then came the slow nods of acceptance, followed by Hailey asking me if I would be interested in writing a guest post about my perspective from Waverly’s delivery day. 

Last year I had sent her an email with some memorable and random memories from that day that were more specific, but in order to accurately paint a picture from my view as the friend and photographer, I am going to write from my today memory because I think that writing what my heart remembers would be far more meaningful than the factual series of events. So stuff will get missed, but I think that’s okay. 

The morning of July 2nd, 2018, I waited for Hailey to tell me when it was a good time to come take the very last photos our maternity series project. She was in very good spirits when I came over, although I have no doubt she was feeling excited and nervous and everything in between. We took our photos, and I remember looking at the bag she packed for the hospital that was sitting against the wall of her bedroom, ready to go. A bag she had planned on packing two times before, but never got to. “Don’t forget your chapstick!” I said as I left the house. Brady and Hailey were waiting for their call from the hospital, so I went back home and I sat on the couch anxiously imagining what the day would be like. 

The call finally came just before noon, and they got a short head start ahead of me. Once I got to the hospital, Hailey sent me a video showing me where to go because this was my first time being in the maternity ward. I ended up parking across the street and walking over. It was honestly SUCH a beautiful day out. The sun was shining, everything was green, and there was just a calm. I don’t know if it was internal or external or both. I took the elevator and met them in the waiting room. I sat beside Brady while Hailey finished getting herself checked in. I couldn’t see in front of me. I had absolutely NO clue what I was in for. All I knew what that I trusted that everything would be okay.

Hailey came and sat with us, and shortly after, a nurse came and introduced herself and showed us to the delivery room. When we walked in, the first thing I saw was the white board on the wall between the two windows the sun was shining through. It said Hailey’s name, and “Healthy mom and baby”. I thought that was so nice. Hailey sat on the bed and they began asking her questions and getting her prepared for her induction. I took out my camera equipment and started to adjust my settings. Brady stayed by her side the entire time, full of support and motivation for her. I could tell how excited he was, but wow, what a patient man Brady is. It was a photographer’s dream to capture such a loving, genuine, close couple. I can’t imagine what these two were feeling. The anticipation, the fear, the excitement.. all of it. I felt what I saw  when they looked at each other.

Backstory: At this point, Hailey and I had only been friends for a short time. We had seen each other in the hallways at school, youth groups, and around town, so we were strangers until this project. But between the naptime visits, photo sessions, and daily messaging/planning, we developed a very vulnerable trust for each other; Especially when it came to grief and loss. The loss of her two sons, Theo and Jamin in 2017, and the loss of my brother and cousin in 2018. Although these losses are completely different, they are the same kind of different. Hailey and Brady brought their kids to my brothers funeral, had me over for suppers and visits, and supported me all while dealing with their own grief and fear. When Hailey asked me if I would ever take delivery photos, I was so honoured that she would want me to be the person to capture that event. I did, and still do, think so highly of her. I think she is one of the bravest people I have ever met. And absolutely one of the most supportive and soft friends I have had the pleasure of getting to know. And I think a big part of what makes her so beautiful, is that she doesn’t even know it. So taking these photos was an absolute honour, but I was also VERY nervous that I might not have been able to do as good of a job as they deserved.

Alright back to the story…

As I said before, I don’t recall every specific detail, but I remember watching her getting the famous epidural and that was surprisingly better than I had originally imagined. I was still very much not a fan of long pokey things of that length, but I can absolutely appreciate something to help with the pain of pushing an entire human being out of your body. I remember Hailey saying right after the doctor finished putting in the epidural, that it’s not as painful as it looks, but I don’t know. I think that was the popsicle talking. I have my doubts because there is no way it hurts less than a stubbed toe, and I still want to cry when that happens. It didn’t help that she needed it done a second time because the first time it slid a little and Brady noticed a bulge in her back which promoted the second round. It was fine though, I survived.

We had snacks and visited and laughed and talked and had a lovely afternoon. It was taking longer than normal for Hailey to start pushing, so I think she was worried about MY TIME waiting there, yet I just loved watching it all unfold. She was frequently checked by this one doctor with GIANT hands that were almost too big for the biggest size of gloves. That was a bit intimidating. He was awesome though. All the doctors and nurses seemed to really love the excitement and energy in the room. Hailey did so well with all the super vulnerable stuff. I kept myself busy when she needed her privacy, and she felt comfortable knowing that we understood each other pretty well with unspoken boundaries. 

A couple scary things began to unfold towards the beginning of ACTUAL pushing. Hailey had a chunk of… something… exit her body. Was it blood? Was it part of the placenta? They called Dr. Guselle and she looked at it and admitted that it wasn’t normal. They cleaned her up, and stated that if anything else develops, then she will obviously need special care, which would mean I couldn’t take photos, and also, possible complications. We stayed hopeful, and then the nurse had problems getting a consistent heart rate from the baby. Brady left for a short time to get something, so I sat in the chair next to Hailey, trying to distract her with some meaningless magazine I brought with me. She just stayed so strong. Of course she was scared, but she also stayed very level. Brady returned, and they checked Hailey again. It was time to push. 

One nurse had suggested I stand in a corner sort of where all the business was with the cords and machines, but I rebelled. I grabbed my camera and I stood to the left of her, sort of behind her head and behind Brady. It’s a WHOLE THING watching a baby being born. All of a sudden it feels scary and exciting and complicated all at once. And I wasn’t even the one having the baby. The doctors and nurses worked together and got the lights on, the equipment they needed, they got Hailey and the bed in position, and it was go time. 

I saw pain on her face only once, right at the beginning. I actually captured it. I remember her saying “oh this one is going to hurt” and then I moved back a little to capture the business at the end of the bed. She began to push, Brady was right beside her, Dr. Guselle was holding Hailey’s “dead leg” that was pretty useless from the epidural.

Dr. Giant Hands was guiding her, and the nurses were all over the place making the experience go as smoothly as they possibly could. I actually don’t remember if there was one or two nurses, but there was a lot of movement, so my brain is going to go with two.

I could tell how much the doctors really cared about Hailey. They were so enthusiastic and encouraging. It was such a warm, loving room. A couple pushes in, and Hailey’s water broke. I was looking through my lens at the time, and this big wave of water came out of nowhere (well, we know where.. So.. nowhere.. Get it?) and onto her chest. The doctor said it was just blood mixed in with a lot of water, and the nurse cleaned it up immediately, but Hailey was not concerned, she was focused. “It’s okay, it’s okay” she ensured the room. Dr. Guselle looked at me and asked if I had captured that ocean that just left Hailey’s body, but unfortunately, I did not. 

Only a couple minutes later, and there is a whole baby. I captured the doctors carrying Waverly up to Hailey’s chest. It was unreal. She didn’t even cry, but not in the good way – In the way that makes parents concerned. Hailey was crying and talking to the baby “Are you okay?? Are you okay?? Are you okay!!?” and she was.

As she stuck her tongue out at me and began to move her head around, Hailey’s shoulders dropped, and she saw that this baby was coming home. 

Immediately I noticed that this baby girl had curly hair. Something Hailey had talked about being really cute and fun to have, since Brady has very curly hair, and Hailey has very straight hair. Waverly had such soft, but strikingly gorgeous features. Right away I saw her oldest brother Dekker in her. Then I saw Rowan in her gorgeous full lips. Even full of womb paste, she was just BEAUTIFUL!!!! We were all in awe. 

I decided to go for a little walk and give Hailey and Brady some space. And to be honest, I needed some too. “What just happened? I saw a baby being born. THAT IS INSANE!!!!” I thought to myself. I wandered over to a common area and I sat down where people were getting snacks out of the vending machine. I could hear them talking about the look on my face. I was feeling a million things at once. It hadn’t even been 3 months since my brother passed away, and only two weeks since Andrea passed away, and with all that death, I just witnessed life, and the contrast was deep.. 

So many overlapping thoughts and feelings. I wondered for so long how I would feel after Waverly was born. Would I be indifferent? Grossed out? Happy? At that time, I was already starting to love her. And now, I don’t want her to have any less than 100 years on this earth. I want her to enjoy all the small pieces of life so fully that the big pieces will be so much bigger. I want her to bring the same peace into this world that she gave me when I got to watch her enter life so calmly and beautifully.

I will never forget leaving Hailey’s house after every maternity photo session, and before she said goodbye, she would sit on the stairs in front of the door and hope that there would still be a belly to capture the next time I came. She would sometimes ask me “What do we do if this is it and she dies?” and I could never answer her. I still couldn’t. I don’t know how life works, or why things happen the way that they do. I don’t understand why some prayers are answered and others are not. I have learned that it is not time that heals all wounds, it is love. And although we remember the hurt, some days more than others, we are not denied the chance to love and be loved. 

Thank you, Lord, for Waverly. And for reminding me that even though there are endings, there are also beginnings.