The Daily Hailey

I had an appointment the other day with my family doctor. It had been about two weeks since I had seen her about this persistent pain problem I’ve been having. We’ve started to refer to it as chronic pain, because I’ve learned that’s what you call it when you’ve had the same pain for 6+ weeks. And we’re definitely there. Chronic pain. 

So as I mentioned, I had seen her about two weeks before, where she had given me medication for overnight, for both sleeping and pain, and a bit of anxiety. I was not sleeping well at all, and therefore my body refused to let down, and I was waking up sometimes in worse pain than what I had gone to sleep in. And that is simply not functional. The medication had helped, and slowly but surely, inch by inch, I was feeling relief. Unfortunately, as we had also previously talked about, the medication was a short term solution. Not that one, anyway. She started talking about other medication options, and I admit, I got spooked. Many of them were antidepressants. Now, a caveat or two. NO BURN on antidepressants AT ALL! There is a place for these, and I would NOT be embarrassed or ashamed to be placed on them. Also, I am aware that sometimes antidepressants are amazing for pain and healing, because they aid greatly in the mind/body connection, which is definitely playing a role in my pain, I’m confident. But that being said, I’ve seen a handful of people in my life struggle getting on and off antidepressants, and I’m so scared to dip my toe in that pond for that reason. Even if the plan was to get off of them in a short period of time, I was scared for that part. My doctor was thinking around six months or so.

So, naturally, I cried. I told Dr. Guselle that I understood, but that I would rather try other options first. An antidepressant felt like a BIG step in the grand scheme of things where I was already seeing so much progress. Why couldn’t we stay doing what we were doing?? 

And she backed riiiiight off. She handed me Kleenex and my mom had a hand on me. They both encouraged me that it was ok to need some extra help during the stretch of time where I need to heal, and kind of just sit and wait and try to make the right decisions. And they’re right! Its completely ok to need that extra help! I just felt so caught off guard.

Honestly, this whole pain thing has hit me completely out of left field. Where did it come from?! I blubbered to Dr. Guselle about how mad I was that I didn’t see it coming. I’ve been hearing that I probably missed some warning signs here and there that my body was giving, and now its being louder about what it needs. But seriously. What were they??? They didn’t show up!!! I got eczema last year 🤷‍♀️ Sometimes thats related to stress, but Waverly had it at the same time and we all thought it was ringworm or something else, so the “stress” side of it kind of got bypassed. My shoulder hurt in August 🤷‍♀️ But like, hardly. It was persistent, but it was just a little sore. Nothing crazy at all. Was that my tip off?? “Your shoulders a little sore, so maybe your body is about to freeeak out!!” Is that how I was supposed to know?! Sure, the last year had some stressful events. For sure. But whose year didn’t? 

Basically, it seems I’m left without an answer, but the fear in that is how are I ever supposed to know I’m at some physical tipping point until I go over?? How do I prevent this from happening again if I don’t know what caused it?! THAT, my friends, is the piss off. All I can do is pray for clarity as I heal, to maybe see what triggers what and what needs to change. God can show me, and I hope He does, because I feel at SUCH a loss. 

This whole pain story is within my body, and I am the most out of the loop of anyone. 

Now, after a day or two of progress, here I am in another setback. My hands are swollen and don’t open all the way. Normally, I have hyper mobility, and suuuuuper bendy hands.

Not right now, anyway 🤷‍♀️

These are some discouraging days.

Please pray, those who pray ❤️