The Daily Hailey

I am not pregnant right now, but I hope I will be in not too distant future, and its pretty much impossible not to think about. I remember, when I was pregnant with Jamin, how different it was being pregnant after a loss. Believe it or not, I anticipate my next time around will be different still. What does pregnancy after a loss after a loss look like?? I don’t know for sure, but I have a lot of thoughts on the subject.

I wonder how I’ll tell people. And when I’ll tell people. We used to share towards the end of the first trimester and into the second. In losing Theo, we learned that we would share our baby’s story with the world no matter how long I carried them. With Jamin, we shared him much earlier. I believe I was around 7 weeks. I waited until we had seen a heartbeat and then we announced it to everyone. We loved sharing our news early in the game!! However, even that heartbeat was no guarantee for us, and we lost Jamin. Now what? Do we announce right off the hop? Do we wait for a heartbeat? Do we wait until we’re way further into our pregnancy?? I have no idea how that will look. This is new territory. No two losses are the same.

I wonder how I’ll even tell Brady. Will we celebrate in excitement, or will anxiety just build from day one? Will we cry, or laugh, or will we feel numb?

I wonder how we’ll tell the kids, and when. They are SO aware of our babies passing away, I don’t know if I want to put them through another one. Yet to deny them knowledge of a sibling seems cruel. They’ve learned so much through our losses, and they have grown in their beliefs in God. They have processed the losses of their brothers to the best of their ability, and in that way, I see no reason not to let them in on something as special as a pregnancy. But I fear for their hearts.

I wonder if I’ll buy baby things. I have a small handful of things we bought for Jamin still sitting on a dresser in our room. I haven’t had the nerve to move them yet, but seeing them every day hurts me. On one hand, I want to say that I won’t buy anything, to protect my heart. And on another hand, I want to set up a bassinet in my first trimester, to remember how amazing it is to bring a new baby home to sleep in my room. Because positivity is important.

I wonder if I’ll ever feel safe through my pregnancy, or will I be on pins and needles the entire time?

I wonder if I’ll be able to feel excited. Or if I’ll emotionally attach. I made an intentional effort to celebrate my pregnancy with Jamin after we lost Theo. I didn’t want to just suffer and stress, waiting for my baby to die. Yet he did die. Its hard not to become closed and hardened. But I want to feel safe.

I wonder if I will ever find the balance between being “safe” and being vulnerable. Can those two things be in the same place at the same time? Can one protect their heart without closing it completely? I don’t know whether to dive into another pregnancy head first with joy and thankfulness, or to be more reserved, and realistic, and careful. If I’m being truthful, my heart is leaning towards choice A, as much as I don’t want it to. Its so strange to think that joy and fear would go hand in hand in that scenario.

I don’t want fear to win. I want God to win. And God didn’t give me a spirit of fear.

But I admit it. I am already scared.