By the time I got last weeks blogs out, it had been days since I had my D&C. I figured it would be worth talking about that a little bit more now that I’m about a week out.
Since I was at the hospital, my body has felt very normal. I occasionally (rarely) have some little cramps, but not many. I’m bleeding a little bit but not much. Everything seems pretty close to back to normal, whatever that is. Nothing hurts. My pregnancy symptoms are all gone. I guess that part hurts. Not physically, but kind of…
I will admit that my hormones are seriously out of whack. I’m working hard on being a level person, and not biting anyones head off, even though I’m sad, but its proving to be a bit of a challenge. Most of that backlash is going towards my kids, unfortunately :/ I love them SO much, and with that, they push me and my buttons more that anyone else. Because they’re kids! Its allowed, but its really challenging these days. Just being honest.
I went to help my mom get thanksgiving food rolling this morning and ended up crying like a baby on her couch about everything that had gone on and hadn’t gone on. About how well loved I was but how lonely I felt. About how the run around and the waiting game just about killed me. About the pain and discomfort and unexpected feelings around every corner. About how my sleep and quality of life have suffered hard. About how the kids are misbehaving and I’m at a loss with how to handle certain situations. About how its stupid winter and I’m not even allowed to have a bath for TWO WEEKS, and I’m freezing 110% of the time. About how MAD I was that aaaaall of these things have so greatly overshadowed what was truly important – the baby I lost. Maybe the BABIES I lost! Frankly, ALL the babies I’ve lost.
I let down hard and had a big cry. Mom held me and cried, too. It sucked, but it was also great. What is it about a good cry anyway? Its so cleansing, at the very least.
Post-weep, I feel ok. I’m still sorting out a lot of feelings, but they’re not all from the D&C. I’m still processing our loss and what is meant to come next. I don’t feel we did anything wrong. We followed as we felt led, and here we are, absolutely no further ahead.
There continues to be waiting ahead, which is something we’re getting great at, apparently. Waiting for my hormone levels to drop completely to zero. Waiting for my cycle to reset. Waiting for my forms for genetic testing to come in the mail, and then waiting a month or so for those results.
And then what? Do we try again? *shrugs* I guess we’ll WAIT and see.