I haven’t had a summer baby in a while, and Theo was going to be born at the very end of July or the very beginning of August, so smack dab in the middle of the hottest months! I was SO excited to have a baby at that time, and had realized I wasn’t especially well stocked for summer maternity wear. Over boxing day and in the fairly recent past, I found some exceptional deals, and had put together a pretty nice wardrobe of cute shorty shorts, tank tops, tshirts, and a dress or two.
I’ve been lovingly reminded since this loss began that my clothes will not expire, and I will get a chance to put them to use.
I cleaned up my en suite yesterday, since my makeup area was a total mess, and I found a few items of maternity wear that I hadn’t pulled out yet. I had that sinky heart feeling, and had a quick moment of feeling stupid for having bought these clothes already. Because everybody knows you shouldn’t buy baby stuff in the first trimester. I’ve always thought that was a little bit silly to take too seriously, and this was the first time I really hated that I had bought things in advance.
I only hated it for a second, though, I promise. I KNOW this isn’t the end of the line for us. I am CONFIDENT in that. I will get my chance to wear these clothes over a pregnant body again.
So today, just as a very small (but significant) statement to myself, I made a point to wear maternity clothes. Not that I don’t often enough anyway. Let’s be real. I own far more maternity wear than regular clothing. But I pulled out a beautiful shirt that I specifically bought for this pregnancy. For summer. I paired it with some great maternity jeans I ordered myself over Christmas, and thats the wardrobe. Seems very insignificant, probably, because I would very likely wear these clothes in the coming months anyway, pregnant or not. But it just seemed necessary for me to pull out some of the things I was sad about and rock them anyway.
When I got Laela up this morning, her first comment to me was that she liked my shirt. “I luff it, mommy! Its boosital! (beautiful)” Was she saying that because she’d never seen it before? Probably. But it was nice.
Then we went to get Rowan together, and as soon as we could tell he was indeed awake, she shrieked at him, “Wowan! See mommy’s new shirt?” Rowan stared at my shirts and proclaimed a big “WOW!” Lip service? Yes, most likely. But again, it was nice.
I’m sorry if this post seems silly, or it doesn’t make sense, or I sound self centred. To me, its a very small success story. Just a small part of all of the things making me feel like all is not lost. Something very significant was lost, but not actually lost lost. The world sure lost someone wonderful, but he isn’t lost. I know exactly where he is.