I slept through the night last night, and woke up around 7:00. The kids were still asleep, so Brady and I turned to some Netflix. The big kids slept in longer than usual, and Solly kept sleeping even when we got them up for breakfast. I’ve been reading that people are finding the recent eclipse of have affected their family’s sleep similar to a full moon, so thats what I assumed was keeping the kids so sleepy.
While the big kids were eating and Solly was sleeping, I was momentarily hit with the gumption to make one of the phone calls I’ve been avoiding, where I have to relay the story of our recent loss to someone. In my brief moment of courage, I went upstairs and made the call. I left a weepy, horrendous message on my physiotherapists phone, asking if we need to keep our upcoming appointment now that I’m not pregnant anymore. Just saying it all out loud again to someone who doesn’t know broke me down, and I sat upstairs and cried on my bed for longer than I care to admit. I finally resurfaced, and cuddled into our recliner in the living room, to at least make the effort to be with my family.
I’m sad to say that I’m experiencing the tiniest bit of paranoia these days. I think its justified, but I don’t care for it. This morning, my nerves for Solly grew and grew as he slept and slept. I checked the monitor and he was still completely quiet. I tried to leave him, and let him sleep. But I couldn’t shake the swirling fears in my head and heart. What if he died too, and I didn’t know? After a little while, Brady went to listen at Solly’s door, and heard him half crying/fussing, and went in to check on him. He was laying on his face, still mostly asleep, but fussing. I couldn’t stay in my chair to wait for them, and I made my way to Solly’s room to make sure all was well.
Turns out, Solly was fevering, and was feeling suuuper crappy. You know those low grade, unexciting fevers that leave you feeling like you can barely lift your head? Well, he and I both feel that way, just in different capacities. Brady tried to feed him a bit of breakfast but he wasn’t having it. I offered to snuggle him on the recliner, and that is where we stayed for a good two hours.
He lay unmoving on me the entire time. The last time he did that was when he was so much littler and fresher. It felt good to hold my baby like a baby and embrace the quiet, needed snuggle. I’m probably not making very much sense, but it was familiar and safe and comforting, even though he was sick and hot and twitchy with every single sound. He skipped lunch and went right to bed, no problem.
My phone call earlier took a lot out of me, and then those cuddles with my son put a little bit back into me. Only a little, though. If we’re being honest, I’m tucked away in bed right now, completely wiped, and sad, and griefy, and finished.
Hopefully I’ll gain a bit of motivation back soon and be able to be together with my family again. I just don’t know how hard to push myself right now.