The Daily Hailey

As we’ve been creeping towards the end of the year, I’ve been looking back on our year quite a bit. Its been a huge year, with all kinds of new experiences. I’ve said a lot in the past that I don’t feel like a grown up yet, and I’ve wondered when I’d feel fully like an adult. Honestly, this year did it. I gained some new life experience this year that shaped me in so many different ways, and it has been really really hard. Remember how, at the end of last year, everyone was celebrating such a hard year finally being over? Well, 2017 wasn’t a great one for us after all, though I did learn a lot.

Something big that I learned this year is that God is in control, but in a different way than I had ever really had to think about before. We have suffered through some pretty difficult things, but we have also been amazed at how many prayers have been answered! And how quickly they have been answered! God has been surprisingly merciful, and I have never paid much attention to that gift from God until recently. With that, I know just how closely He is watching my family. He is ALWAYS with us. He never left. He knows our desires, and He knows what we need.

He knows how often I reminisce about telling the kids about Theo last Christmas.
He knows my fear of and simultaneous desire to plan ahead.
He knows how often I replay the first nurse in antepartum telling me what was going to happen, and how we both cried.
He knows how much I wish I didn’t want anymore kids, because it would all just be so much easier not to.
He knows we’re not done, though.

I feel like I’ve written this blog before, but we are here again. I am pregnant. Only a little bit pregnant so far, but there is tiny little life tucked in my womb. I am begging for God to let this baby hold on tight, and that he/she can come home to us next year. I flip flop between excitement and excuses. Joy and fear. Planning for baby to live, or to die. Its impossible to know how it will look.

Its been a very strange couple of weeks, navigating how to proceed. I wrote a post a long time ago with a lot of “I wonders” and “what ifs” in it, and now, I’m trying to figure that all out. Its a lot, and the uncertainty of whats to come is fairly all-consuming. But I’m trying.

I’ve been trying to remember that, what happened last time with Jamin is not common. Its not normal. It was something awful, and surprising, and unexpected by everyone. But him passing away does not mean that this baby will do the same. This is a new pregnancy, a new circumstance, and a new baby. When I mange to push my fears aside, I am back in my first pregnancy, blissfully unaware of anything scary that could happen, and already counting down the days to the day the baby will be born. I can’t help but look ahead to early next summer and squeal at the thought of sharing July, my birth month, with my baby. To bring my fifth child home as I’m about to turn 30. To throw a PARTY for that kid, so all of you (no joke) can come and meet, hold, and celebrate the baby. I absolutely ache with anticipation.

Please, try to understand me when we talk. If I seem negative, I’m not a downer. I’m trying to be straightforward and realistic. Know how hurt my heart has been, how much I still miss my lost babies, and how vulnerable I feel. Hold my hands so I stop chewing my fingers in anxiety. Understand that, sometimes, feeling excited makes me feel guilty. I conceived a baby around this time last year and have nothing to show for it besides a couple of little teddies on my shelf, a looser tummy, and a lot of new perspective. Its been a long road, and I’m still on it.

This feels like one of the stranger pregnancy announcements I’ve ever put out there, but there you have it. We are in the very beginning stages of my seventh pregnancy, and I am grateful for every single day I am able to carry this life. We have seen a heart beating, and are actively praying it keeps doing exactly that! Please join us in prayer and celebration of our little Bambino!

Remember yesterday, when I said I liked this part of winter, and how excited I was to go to the Enchanted Forest? I take it all back!!! Lol! Ok, I’m only partly serious 😉 Somewhat serious, but not completely.

For those who don’t live around here, the Enchanted Forest is this beautiful area of the city that is set up with tons of Christmas light displays. Its usually something that you pay a charge for, per vehicle, and drive through it. Honestly, I’ve always found it to be overpriced to just drive in a circle for a few minutes when you can just drive through the city and observe everyone else’s lights. However, yesterday was an event that was just for people who wanted to walk it. The charge was less, the lights were going to be beautiful, and we decided it would be a fun event we could justify doing as a family. We coerced my parents and Jerilee to join us, and set up a plan.

The goal was to arrive there right around opening time so we could get parking fairly easily, and could get a quick start on it, since our children usually disintegrate right around 7:00. Its hard to stretch that with them, so we aimed to start early. But as things tend to happen, we got on the road a bit later than usual and arrived at the right place a half hour after opening.

Guys. It was a disaster. At first. Finding parking was bananas, but we did it. We pulled out the sleds but the kids kept slipping around on them. We packed them in with blankets, but then they were sitting too close, apparently. And Solly was wailing. We weren’t even out of the parking lot and had to change around who was sitting with who a number of times, to try to level out the sleds reasonably. It quickly became clear that Solly was going to cry the entire time he was in a sled. Therefore, he was a solid chunk of crying dead weight to carry. We were all trying, but it was pretty frustrating. We weren’t at a path right away, and we were trying to drag them through pretty hefty snow. Dekker was sitting right on the back of his sled, and it kept getting stuck in the snow. I’d give it a good yank and he would spill out of the sled. Over and over and over again. Luckily, that was completely hilarious, and I laughed so hard that I juuuuust about peed. I’m not even kidding. There was bending over and crossing of legs, laughing SO hard. We finally made it to a path that led us to a shockingly long line of people waiting to enter the enchanted forest. In that moment, we debated turning around. Solly was crying so much already, and the kids were complaining. It was SO cold, the wind just biting. But, we went for it. We got in line, and didn’t wait too terribly long before we got up to the front. We handed the guy cash for our family and he gave us a deal. We should’ve cost $15 and got in for $10! Woot! We were SO eager to get in, sure that everyone would settle once there were beautiful lights to see.

And it sort of worked. The kids in the sleds were quiet and entertained, and Solly quieted, but he had to be carried the whole time. And guys, he was freeeeezing. Everyone was solidly bundled, but it just wasn’t cutting it, with the kids not running around or moving. They all were just stationary, and frozen. Finally, it became clear that we had to pick up the pace and get things moving, because they kids were just stinking cold. Now, having driven through this display before, it always felt fast. But guys, we were pushing through for a solid 1.5 hours. At least. We tried to point out the things to the kids that they’d like the most (foxes for Rowan, purple for Laela, all the Noah’s Ark animals for Dekker, etc.) but otherwise, we put our heads down and pulled those sleds hard. I carried Solly for a good chunk of it but he is just so heavy, and then puffy with all of his snow stuff on, and then weepy and leany and just hard to handle. I traded off with Brady after a while but the sleds hurt my back to pull too. But we made it happen, and tried to make the most of it. SO many times, we thought it was the end, but it just kept on going! The never ending Christmas lights display. There was even a part that said “Thank you for coming,” But there was still tons left! Hahaha!! I tried to keep it funny, but we were all pretty over it. I made jokes about regretting this decision, but while actually regretting the decision…

Getting back to the van was also an ordeal, and the kids were absolutely frozen. Frozen, as in we were taking their boots and mitts off to give their skin a chance to meet the warmth of the van. We put them in car seats and wrapped them in blankets and cranked the heat. Dekker was in good spirits, but when I sat on him (which I tend to do when I’m buckling Rowan up) he was physically shivering under me. Rowan seemed game for whatever. I asked how his feet were – freezing or ok? He told me they were ok. I asked “what about your mitts?” He held them up to me, and I asked if I should take them off. “Uuuhh, ya ok!” He was totally fine! It was awesome. We left quickly and unceremoniously. Laela was shaking and crying. Solly was losing it.

We weren’t even out of the parking lot before Solly was asleep, and Laela followed behind within minutes. Dekker and Rowan seemed strangely unphased by the whole thing, making jokes and being super hyper. Dekker asked if they could have a treat. Since we skipped out on the promise of hot chocolate and popcorn provided (because we just needed to finish up and go home) we agreed with Dekker, and promised to drive through at McDonalds and get them some cookies.

Once all three older ones were awake and enjoying a cookie, I talked to them about their stellar attitudes, and how we knew how cold they were, yet they kept on their happy faces and seemed to be really thankful to have gone. Laela was still covered in tears, her face just streaked and red, her hands shaking, but she reassured me that she was happy we had gone. The boys literally cheered from the back (because they were SO hyper.) It was adorable and made the whole thing feel more worth it than it had before. I was pretty choked in the beginning, but this helped a lot.

Upon getting home, the big kids peed and everyone went straight to bed. Yes, we had dressed them in sweats and cozy things before we left for this exact reason. Dekker and Rowan were still buzzing, while Laels was happy to snuggle into bed, and Solly barely woke up when I took him out of his snow stuff and laid him down. Once their doors were closed, however, the monitor didn’t trip once.

We all slept until 8:00 at least, some of them until 9:00. Unbelievable. Worth it, totally.

I have no pictures to show for last night, since it felt pretty survival-ish, but it was good 🙂 A different kind of good. Not easy good. Not cozy good. Not at all. But I’m glad we went!

I’m thinking the festival of trees will be the only other event we’ll try for this Christmas season, if we even do. But its an indoor event, sooooo there’s the appeal right there! Christmas lights and a lack of wind! What more does a person need??

Stay warm, folks!

I admit, there are things that I like about winter. Not many, but some. These days, I’m finally seeing some winter things that bring me some joy.

The biggest things that I am enjoying are the BEAUTIFUL snowfalls, covering everything in a thick white layer! We’ve had a handful of them, and I’ve been able to open my curtains and actually enjoy what I’m seeing! Today, as I look our my windows, I see a peaceful outdoors, with no strong winds or dangerous melting. The sun is shining, and at the same time, I am snuggled up in a soft sweatshirt and a blanket, cozy, just like I like it.

Cozy has sort of been my theme over these last few months. It wasn’t an intentional shift, but I think it was a physical way for me to find some comfort, and I’ve just gone with it. I LOVE being cozy, as does the rest of my family. So, I’m often snuggled in a blanket, even when moving through the house. I never expected to find something positive and cozy about winter that wasn’t a forced need for warmth. If not for the snow outside, I wouldn’t be able to be snuggled in my comfiest clothes with a blanket thrown over my shoulders. Soup is on the stove, and Laela is watching Frozen. Finally, winter feels good.

Remind me of this tonight when we all go walk the Enchanted Forest in Saskatoon! Hopefully I still feel some love towards this season at that point… Anyone else going?

Something changed in Dekker a while ago, and I’m not sure I’ve addressed it on the blog before! Its so small, but SO good! Weird good. I don’t know, lol! The background of it is good 🙂 You’ll get it.

I KNOW that my son has had a good day at school when he comes home like this.

This kid used to FREAK out if he was ever messy. For those reasons, he would not paint, play with play dough, eat finger food, play in the dirt, etc. He positively could not handle it. For the record, it was handy for a time, and I liked how much he disliked being messy, but it was not something we pushed for. We wanted him to play, and sometimes it was a HUGE pain when he didn’t want to go outside or run around the same way. Kindergarten broke him into some of those things, and he had to stretch. And it helped! I remember him telling me about a kid spilling juice on his hoodie one day. He cried through the story, and was very upset by his messy clothes. But not too long after that, he came home once again doused in food, but very casually said he had spilled his (purple, that day) apple sauce on himself. No biggie for him. A pain to get the stain out, lol, but in that moment, I knew there had been a shift. Messes happen. No bigs. Just life.

But now, the kid comes home everyday with a new look. Its usually marker on his face, and aaaaall over his hands. I’ll point it out and make a joke about it, and he will say something like “Whoops! Must’ve had too much fun…” or something else Dekker-like.

So this was him yesterday. Marker right on the end of his nose. A year or two ago, he would’ve cried until I cleaned him off. Yesterday, he laughed at himself and acted all embarrassed, but that was it. No hangups. Being the aces parent that I am, I sent him to kids club later that day with the marker still on his nose. He came home with paint on his face, so really, what was the difference. His clothes and face were a mess, and his freshly washed hair was nuts. And he was totally happy.

This seems small. Trust me, I know. Kids don’t usually care about things like this. But mine did. Like a LOT. And now, he’s totally comfortable in his own skin. Coming into kindergarten, I told his teacher I was more concerned about Dekker gaining confidence than academic skills, and he really did! He is totally comfortable in his own skin, whether its messy or not. And I LOVE that! Sure, kindergarten was a hard year for him. He did a lot of stretching. But it has really paid off. He was incredible before, but now he knows that he’s incredible. I love that.

You’ve heard me say it before, but I’m going there again. My kids are SO wise! Not in every single way, of course. I’m not that wise either. They’re not particularly “with it” in the scope of foresight, cause and effect, or common sense all the time. But I’m regularly blown away by the way my kids can just choose to turn their attitudes around, and actually roll with it, without any bad feelings towards anyone else. That is so hard for me, sometimes, and I’m always surprised when they just accept tough stuff and keep moving forward.

Last night was very difficult for me. I fell asleep around 10:30-ish, which is a good time for me. However, I woke up sometime shortly after midnight and was up until about 4:30. I lay in bed and relived all kinds of overwhelming things in my life. I finally decided that wasn’t healthy so I sat up and tried to rest my brain a little bit and read a few things off my phone. No dice. It seemed that Solly had lulled along with me, and was constantly tripping the monitor, though not crying, necessarily. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and I got up to try and help him, even though he just seemed to be hanging out in his bed. But as I got up, he started wailing. So I went to check on him and he was all hot and bothered. I couldn’t tell if he was hot from crying, or fevered. His legs and back were hot, but not really his head. I couldn’t figure it out. As I held him and he calmed down, he seemed to get hotter. I went to lay him back down after a while and he instantly started screaming again. I hate when he gets so worked up because he only gets hotter faster. I knew he needed medicine, but the longer he lay screaming in his bed, the more likely he’d wake the rest of the kids up, and then who knows if they’d go back to sleep. You moms of many know, its a hard thing to navigate. I finally gave up, in a full state of exhaustion and frustration, I woke Brady. He jumped right up and got Solly’s medicine for me while I held him and calmed him down again. And after a little bit, I was able to lay him back down and he quieted shortly there after. But Brady and I were up, obviously. We watched a bit of Big Bang Theory before I fell asleep, right around the time Brady had to get up for work. I slept maybe another two hours before I had to get up and get everyone to bed. Not my best night. Not even close.

So, if you can’t tell where this is going, I had a pretty crappy attitude when I got up. I wasn’t a jerk to the kids, thankfully I was able to keep that mostly together, but I felt like garbage. I was somewhat disoriented, felt sick, and I was running on fumes straight out the gate, which is not a good start off. This morning was also one where I had to bring all of the kids with me to get Dekker to school, so I ended up having to wake Solly from sleep, which he loved, as you can imagine. So he and I both were feeling it pretty hard this morning.

Once Dekker was at school and the I was home with the three, Solly came over to my chair and crawled up onto my lap. And then, he taught me how to be a better adult. He was wiped, that kid. SO tired. If I reached my hand out to stroke his hair, he’d quickly lay his face in my hand and just lay still there, with me holding his head up.

Or he’d lie down across my body, so so still. But then, he’d stick his blanket in his mouth, and slowly crawl up to my face and get RIGHT up into it, and giggle like a crazy person. He was SO tired that he couldn’t open his eyes all the way, yet he was making a point to make jokes. He kept his happy attitude on full time, and he just took little rests as needed. But his GOAL was to be friendly, and peachy, and charming, and adorable, and it totally worked. All of it.

I love that he was so clearly exhausted, but made a noticeable effort to be pleasant. Why is that so hard for me? Why is it SO much easier to just pout and be grouchy? Isn’t it technically easier and healthier to smile than to frown? I, as an adult, struggle with this, but my 1.5 year old is apparently amazing at self regulating.

I had to ditch out on our snuggle after a while to pee (because coffeeeee) and he waited for me, in the exact same spot I had left him. Once again, smiling. No fuss that his mama was leaving like so often is the case.

He’s a pretty good buddy on such a grouchy day. Its less grouchy now, thats for sure. Good reminders, all around.

Way to be happy when you’re sleepy, Solly Wolly!!

With the kids not having school yesterday, it feels like a Monday. But not in a bad way. Its still Tuesday enough, with Laela going to preschool and such.

I realized last night that I was on the schedule to help out in Laela’s class, so Brady made quick arrangements to be home for a couple of hours this morning to watch the little boys so I could go. Which is how it all played out, which is great 🙂 Order of operations went like this.

Took Dekker to school.
Picked up something from the local buy & sell Facebook page.
Drove home.
Brought Laela to preschool.
Stayed at preschool.
Played a rousing game of four corners.
Drove home.
Rowan went to bed instantly.
Solly soon followed.
Brady took my van to work.
Laela and I eat popcorn for lunch.

Despite the morning being out of our usual routine, the day still feels pretty normal. Or maybe it just feels like how normal should feel. Kids at school, Brady at work, nap time nice and quiet, coffee brewing, and a few trivial jobs waiting to be accomplished. I should be folding laundry, but instead I’m blogging (obviously) and doing some research for Christmas. It definitely feels like a cozy Monday inside.

Sorry for the blog about doing nothing. It feels like that kind of day, though. And in all honesty, it feels like a griefy day. A quiet day. So I’m keeping the afternoon quiet <3

Its so funny how different the vibe is around here this morning. We are all so happy to be home. The kids probably would’ve stayed in bed talking for hours had we not gotten them up. They were cozy and happy and chatting away. After getting them up, they ran to the kitchen to set up for breakfast, just like always. Our kids love routine, and it shows, even when its jobs, like setting the table. Solly is right there with everyone else, completely happy to be home. He is eating so well, seemingly relieved to be back in his high chair. We realized on our drive to Winnipeg that we hadn’t brought a high chair, but upon finding out we didn’t even have a table, it didn’t matter. Eating was a gong show, especially for Solly, and even though he had a lot more freedom that way, he seems a lot happier in his spot at the table, eating his breakfast.

Usually we’re a bit more on the ball upon coming coming home from a trip, but not this time. We only brought in what we absolutely needed last night, and the rest is happening this morning. Brady is hauling in the contents of the van, and since our method of packing everything on hangers to make less of a mess flopped hard this time around, everything is a total mess and we have to launder everything. But thats fine. Its just laundry. We can handle laundry.

Hopefully we’ll be able to keep today low key and restful, because WOW do we need it! I have to get in touch with a couple of people about a couple of things, but nothing too crazy or overwhelming. Just a quiet home day 🙂 Even the kids are stoked about a boring home day!

I’ll be honest and say right off the hop that it was probably our rockiest road trip home ever. So. Much. Crying. But, from the top.

We left our hotel around 9:00-9:30 ish this morning. I don’t remember the exact time. I wish someone had a picture of us. Brady hauled our huge luggage cart with our industrial tubs, garbage bags, Superstore green bins, and milk jugs hanging from the hangers at the top, and the kids and I walked together, holding hands in a long row. Dare I say, we were cute. I liked us.

We were on the for about an hour before Dekker fell asleep, and Solly was out fairly quickly after that. I was surprised, but in a nice way. The first leg was easy peasy. We stopped for lunch, and that was easy enough, too. Its usually after lunch that everyone who naps does so. But there is far less control on that front on a road trip.

Solly made other arrangements and cried basically from the MB/SK border to Regina. Ok, not that long but a pretty long time. For a while, we were thinking he was just overtired and was having trouble falling asleep in the daylight. But it continued. I tried to give him some more to eat. Nope. Something to drink. Nope. Wet diaper? Nope. I finally moved to sit back beside his car seat to help him out, but I could not console him. He didn’t want me to touch him, or hold his hand, or anything. Of course, we were ill prepared and had forgotten to leave a blanket out so I gave him my sweatshirt to snuggle with (read: wipe his snotty face on) and I shivered away in a tank top. It didn’t really help :/

We finally made a stop and I snatched him out of his seat the moment the vehicle was parked. He was all scrunched into a ball and grabbed onto my arms with such grip. He didn’t have to worry, I had NO plans of putting him down anytime soon. He calmed and lay totally still on me for a nice long time. Brady took the big kids for a bathroom break at a gas station. I eventually set Solly down to check his diaper again. He’s had a bit of a diaper rash for the past few days, so I loaded him up with some diaper cream, just in case he was feeling irritated, and then we continued our snuggle. And after just a couple more minutes, he was nice and fresh and goofy and charming as all get out. Putting him back in his seat and continuing our trip didn’t set him back at all. Everything was right with the world again.

Who knew drinking water could look so sneaky?

I’ll admit, that stretch was SO hard. I had a hard time shaking it off. I’m still feeling pretty overwhelmed, and I’m home in my bed. I’m SO glad we went on our trip. It was EXACTLY what had hoped for when we planned it, however spontaneously. But I’m pretty shaken up, and this drive home appears to have fried my last nerve. Lots of things are swirling around in my head, my anxiety is pretty high up there, but the good absolutely outweighs the bad!! No regrets!

Home feels good. I’m SO happy to be home. And I’m glad we made the choice to come home today rather than tomorrow. A recovery day for the family before school and work kick off again seems necessary, and I know the kids will appreciate it, too!

Apparently its balmy outside at home. Balmy as in minus single digits. Its not too much colder here, so I don’t know if its the humidity of Winnipeg in general or what exactly, but I am chilled through and through!

I used to be perpetually cold, and as as adult, I can admit that it was often my fault. Not always, but occasionally. For example, refusing boots and wearing runners all winter. Or flip flops in the snow. Never wearing a scarf or real mitts. Never wearing socks in the house or warm jammies. Those things were on me. Totally. But guys, I’ve changed!! I wear slippers now. I love my comfy boots. I finally have a winter jacket that is warm that I LOVE, and on days where I just can’t get my temperature together, I’ll bundle up for bed. I try! I hate being cold.

This weekend, I’ve really tried I’ve worn hoodies the entire time, I’ve been in socks the whole time, and I’ve literally slept in leggings and a sweatshirt. I’ve been drinking coffee and snuggling up in blankets. I know our room is warm, because I feel it when we get into it, but I’m just freeeezing!! As I type this, I have goosebumps literally covered my arms and legs.

Guys, I was not built for winter. But I’m trying!

Maybe I’ll have to take a dip in the hot tub quickly. It is our last day here. Last chance at the pool!

We weren’t quite as well researched as normally are going into this stay due to its spontaneous nature, but we knew we had found a place with two nice big bedrooms that would easily sleep us, as well as a big pool/play area as a bonus! We knew we had some form of a kitchen, and a full bathroom. Deal. Thats all (more) than we need!

We were right about a few things. The bedrooms are big and comfy and the kids are totally happy in them. The play area is amaaazing. The bottom level is big and open and breezy for little little ones, and the whole thing can easily be run through by adults as well! Its easy to be in there with the kids, which is fun, since the times we’ve gone, its been pretty much empty otherwise! Lots of wins with the hotel. One thing we were wrong about that turned out to be great is that we actually have two bathrooms!! Always a fun surprise. A bit weird, though, that they’re both out in the main area, as in no en suites. But its a win because one of them is really big, and its where we rolled Solly’s play pen for the night! And he was totally happy in his own room 🙂 Win!

Two bummers about this place. Bummer number one is that we have no closets. We have one teeny one for coats and that is it. We packed everything on hangers because that has worked beautifully for us the last few times we’ve travelled, but this time, its now a pain in the butt. Not a huge deal, I guess, but even drawer space is very limited. Such a big room meant to hold at least 6 people should have closets, shouldn’t it? Which brings us to bummer number two. Our “kitchen” leaves a little something to be desired.

We saw pictures on the website of much fuller kitchens, with cupboards and a small cook top, a dining table and a couple of chairs, etc. However, now that we’re here and have looked further into it, that’s only in the one bedroom suites, not the two bedrooms. Wouldn’t a room for 6+ people ideally have a kitchen? Maybe not, but we definitely do not have one! Feeding our kids just got a whole lot trickier!

Their cuteness makes up for the spilled cereal.

Breakfast wasn’t the worlds most complicated thing, though I wish I had brought a bigger bite cereal, like fruit loops even, rather than a flake one. The flakes are so much harder to get off the carpet. Lunch was harder. Brady moved the coffee maker into the second bathroom that we aren’t using for bathroom stuff, and set up an electric frying pan that we brought “just in case.” He pulled the mini fridge out from under the counter and used the top of it as additional counter space. He made it work, but it was a bit crazy. Trying to convince the younger ones to stay at/near the (coffee) table was a fun challenge as well. Supper is going to be an adventure as well! Oy!

If we ever stay here again, at least we’ll know what to expect ahead of time! We will expect to eat out the entire trip, haha, because its WAY too tight to do meals in here with just the six of us, when the four kids are still little! Now we know. Oh, and we know we don’t get any dishes 😐 Not. Even. Any. Sooooo we’ll all eat off the small handful of kids IKEA dishes we brought!

Seriously though, it’ll work fine 😉 The food we brought is simple and will be easy enough to prepare with the little college-ish appliances we brought along. Pizza night tomorrow will be our one treat night! Yay for food that can be eaten off of a napkin on the floor!