The Daily Hailey

Well, guys, we did it. We passed that awful 16.5 week mark, and I am now 17 weeks pregnant. It feels like I haven’t been this far along in FOREVER, though I was days away from it just last year. I believe the last time I was this far into a pregnancy was two years ago, when I was pregnant with Solly. I know people space their kids out much further apart than we do, and both ways are fine, but its hard for me to think about how long its been, and how large of a space there will be between the two youngest. It’ll be right around two years and one month, which is the exact gap between Dekker and Laela. While their dynamic is fine, not abnormal, its always felt like a bit too long to me. But as we ALL know, this has been wildly out of my hands.

Size Comparison: My app says that the baby is around the size of a chipmunk, or a pomegranate. I’m going with the chipmunk, because while my baby is probably as sweet as a pomegranate, it is not in the shape of a ball. And a chipmunk has arms and legs and feels more relatable somehow. Also, the chubby cheeks probably don’t make sense yet but we all know they will in the future 🙂 I tend to make babies of the chubby variety.

Appointments: I had an ultrasound last week. Baby wasn’t as busy as usual, or as cooperative, but as far as I know, everything still looked well. My tech commented that this baby has never been particularly easy to get a side profile shot of, and she is required to get one as part of the anatomy scan, which is coming up. Because of my unique circumstance, and my regular ultrasounds, she’s already gotten a lot of the information she needs to fulfill the requirements of the anatomy scan, but there are still a few things left to show up, and the side face shot is one of them! I rolled in all different positions and it just wasn’t happening. But we tried. Maybe next time. It was interesting to see the baby more packed in there than usual, with less room to wiggle. I’m sure baby they will make more room in there soon. Frankly, the tighter it gets in there, the bigger the baby is getting, and the sooner I can feel movement. This ridiculous anterior placenta is driving me bananas.

How am I feeling emotionally: I feel a lot better. I have passed a big, scary point in time that, while it doesn’t ensure “safety,” was significant for me to pass. Its time to move forward. We are not out of the woods, but really, we never are. No one ever is. And we can’t live like that, waiting for the worst thing to happen. So, I will continue to miss my little boys, and make room for my grief, but keep my head up and looking ahead. Even when its scary and vulnerable. Lots of self pep talks these days.

How and I feeling physically: I was in worse shape for last weeks series post, for sure. My back was BAD and I have since seen my chiropractor twice and he’s been able to put me back in place, which has been both satisfying and incredibly painful. But worth it. I started wearing my support belt, which you may or may not have seen on Facebook or Instagram, and it has made a big difference when I have running around to do. My belly doesn’t need support yet, but my pelvis sure does. Beyond that, I’ve ben very slowly weening off diclectin, and am down to a half dose before bed. I could just stop taking it probably, but I know that causes some people to spiral back to square one pretty quickly, so I’m going slow. But nausea is down. That being said, since I’ve backed off the diclectin, my body doesn’t like coffee as much again :/ Shooooot. Also apparently I haven’t been sleeping very deeply.

Diclectin messes with my sleep. I cannot wait to be off of it completely!

Wish List/Purchases: So, I did a SMALL amount of purchasing recently. I bought a couple of clothing items when I was at Value Village the other day buying a few things for the other kids. I also finally bought a big water bottle to make that whole thing happen. I really don’t drink very much water at all, and I really should. I found a light pink Nalgene bottle that holds half of the recommended daily 8 cups of water, so I’ve made it my goal to drink one hole one before noon and ideally the other before supper. If I wait and drink it too late into the night, I’m going to be getting up to pee far more than necessary. For today, I’m halfway through that first bottle and its not even 10:00, so go me! I am not loving the huge water bloat that comes with it, but what can you do?

Pictures: I ran upstairs and snapped this picture a few minutes ago and I couldn’t help but laugh at how unflattering it is, haha! I think I look WAY bigger in this picture than I actually am, lol!

This was NOT the sweater I should’ve worn, but hey. Comfort always wins. Except when you’re pregnant and uncomfortable almost 100% of the time. But thats less about clothing.

How are the kids feeling: The kids are AMPED! Walking through baby clothes aisles have all three of the older ones in full “Aaaaawww!!!” mode, touching each piece with excitement. “Gasp! A hootie! “Gasp! A dinosaur! What do you think Bambino will like??” They’re almost as bad as me.

Get to know the baby: We got to know the baby pretty well this last week! I guess you could say we were formally introduced when baby waved at us through the whole ultrasound. Those hands just went and went and went.

 

We also found out the baby’s gender. 😯 Had I not mentioned that? 🤔

The BEST part of being pregnant: I’ve genuinely enjoyed a lot about being pregnant this week. I’ve enjoyed the excitement of carrying my pregnancy past the scary point of loss from last time. I’m enjoying that my belly is visibly growing. It somehow feels a bit more real these days, and I’m loving it!

Favourite thing: This is probably a weird one. Fried mushrooms are this weeks “favourite.” I could eat those things by the bowlful, and often do. Brady lovingly fries me mushrooms (that he hates, by the way) in butter and garlic, and I eat them with EVERYTHING. Or just y themselves as a snack. Don’t judge! I briefly tried to convince myself that it was a healthy craving, but have since given in to the fact that they’re just carriers of fat and grease and thats probably why I’m loving them. Regardless, yum. Fry something in garlic and butter this week and think of me! Lol!

Its been a good week, my friends. A hopeful, uplifting week of pushing past fear, and daydreaming about what and who is to come. I couldn’t be more thankful for all the support I’ve received over these last couple of weeks, as its been a huge part of whats kept me standing. Hopefully the future is bright, with fewer sad tears and more excitement. Healing is coming.

The last couple of weeks have been a bit off around here. No one is struggling more or less than the other, but we’re starting to think that no one is feeling 100%. But Solly is the guilty party for making church so hard to get to these days!

He is SO SCREAMY!!! Sometimes its a constant fussiness with crying thrown in, and other times he’s screeching so loud, and he just will not be stopped! We have a few theories.

1. If you’ve seen Solly in the last month or so, you’d have seen the little red blotches on his cheeks. They are humorously round and even, and they are now dry, rashy spots that are just sticking around. They don’t bug him or anything, he has no idea they’re there, but to me, they suggest teething. He has cracked everything except for his two year molars, but I’m not confident that his eye teeth are all the way through :/ So he could still be working on that.
2. Dekker and Laela have both have very small (but still relevant) bouts of vomiting in the last two weeks, and without going into too much detail, Ro has had his share of sick poops as well. So maybe Solly is just feeling a bit down and out, just without showing many physical symptoms. Maybe! That one is sort of impossible to judge.
3. This option would probably be my first choice, if I got to somehow choose why this was happening. Solly barely says any real english words at the moment, but he really wants to! He’s in a very chatty, babbly stage, and just wants to communicate! Riiiiight before Rowan finally achieved language, he did the same thing, and got suuuper loud and screamy and opinionated. Maybe Solly just wants to talk and is on the cusp of figuring it out!

Whether sickness or development, its pretty impossible to quiet through church. We work tirelessly at it last Sunday, and while everyone was very gracious and understanding when we’d haul him out of the service for the five hundredth time, it still really sucked for us. Solly’s feelings are also very easy to wound these days, so a mere “shush” sends that lower lip out and from there, its all over.

I understand there are times that church is just hard to get to, and I think thats ok. Yet I see the value in bringing everyone there and instilling the importance of going to church into the kids. But these days, with Solly screaming SO MUCH, we just had to sit a morning out. Especially when my back is in the shape its in, I can’t do much, if any, of the hauling of the Solly. I can barely lift him these days. Yikes!

So instead, we stayed home and watched a movie and coloured. I finally saw Madagascar and I’ve gotta say I’m not sure what all the fuss is about. Not that exciting of a movie at all, in my opinion! But let’s be real. I just wanted to watch Storks instead.

We may venture back into the city this afternoon to finish up one or two things that we didn’t get to yesterday on our errand day. Maybe, maybe not. We’ll how Screamy McScreamerson is feeling.

I slept HARD last night! Anyone else? Was something in the air, or was it just me? Regardless, it was such a good, refreshing sleep, and I’m feeling pretty good so far today 🙂 My bad is quite sore, which is disappointing because I just had a chiropractic treatment yesterday, but I also slipped and fell on the ice leaving my appointment, heading to my van :/ So I guess its to be expected. Merp.

We invited my parents to join us for waffles this morning. Its become a bit of a tradition. Its not every weekend, but probably every other ish? Its so fun to have a house full, and the general chaos of getting food on while kids play, stories are read, music is going, and we’re all visiting. Its loud and busy and we love it!

My parents got to our place around 9:00 and after a while, everything was ready to go. We ate our collective body weight in waffles, whipped cream, breakfast sausage, fruit salad, and coffee. It was so delicious, and no one was quick to get up afterwards. Except the kids, of course, who don’t feel the weight of the food as much as the lift of the whipped cream and syrup 😉 They were raring to go, while the rest of us sat for a bit and caught up. It had been a while, so there was a lot of ground to cover. Time flew, as usual, and very quickly, Solly was crying and slumped on Brady, in desperate need of a nap. Poor weepy baby.

So my parents headed home to take on their afternoon of house cleaning, and we gave the kids a small lunch/snack before napping the little ones. We may venture into the city for a few errands this afternoon yet, but maybe not. Its a low pressure day 🙂 As Saturdays are meant to be!

It was bound to happen sooner or later.

While we have still mostly managed to dodge the questions about how the baby gets in there (a piece of mommy, a piece of daddy, and a whole lot of Jesus) Dekker asked me the other day over breakfast how the baby comes out. The whole table of children came to attention and stared at me, waiting for a response. I couldn’t ignore the question. We were going to talk about this.

It was a pretty long conversation, so I won’t have it word for word, so please accept my best attempt at paraphrasing. Its just all far too cute to summarize.

It all started with Dekker asking about eye color, and he wondered why we all had blue eyes. A kid in his class told him he thinks Dekker’s eyes are green. I told him the colour can look different based on light and stuff, but because mommy and daddy both have blue eyes, all of our babies will have blue eyes. I retraced my steps and back-pedalled a little, because while its not a current, immediate plan, we’re open to adoption very much around here, and you just never know when and if that time will come. So I changed my answer to “Any baby that comes from my tummy will have blue eyes.” That was what did it.

Dekker: How does the baby come out of your tummy?

*pause as I think of the right way to say it all*

Laela: I think the baby comes out of mommy’s mouth.

Dekker: No, that would be craaaaazy! (He had no idea the bomb that was about to drop) Maybe it comes out of mommy’s belly button. That makes more sense.

Everyone stared at me for clarification.

Laela: Ya bum?
Me: Nope, the baby actually doesn’t come out of any of those places. It comes out of the place where I pee from.

(Not that I should HAVE to have a disclaimer in here, but our children absolutely know the words penis and vagina. I’m all for using the proper, real words when it comes to important things like our bodies. But, I don’t know, I think in the moment I thought it would be a lot of information to take in, and I knew my kids would just giggle at the word “vagina” and miss the actual point. Hence, me saying it this way. Aaaaanyway…)

Dekker and Laela broke out into hysterical tittering laughter at each other, while Rowan looked confused, and confirmed “the pee ‘pot?” Yes, I told him. The spot that pee comes out of.

Dekker: That doesn’t seem right! Babies are bigger than that! Wouldn’t that hurt.

Yes. Yes it would.

Once the crazed laughter died down, I went on to tell them a few more, less scary details. I said I’d go to the hospital, and I’d get my own room and new “jammies” to wear. I told them, in my case, I’d have some medicine, because it does hurt to have a baby, and then my body works very hard and eventually the baby comes out. And that despite how crazy it sounds, its actually how bodies are designed to work! Everyone has different outcomes and different ways, though, I made sure to tell them. Some women have to have surgery even to get their baby out of their tummy, which the kids all agreed was a HUGE amount of work!

Dekker: Is that how I came out of your tummy, too?

Me: You were the first baby to come out of me! You were SO BIG and it took a pretty long time, but you were just so content and calm when you were born! I was so so excited to finally have you out!

Laela: Me too, mommy? Was I calm too?
Me: Haha! Laela, having you was CRAZY! We almost didn’t get to the hospital on time, and I didn’t get the special jammies, or the medicine, or anything! I didn’t even have to push! You just flew right out! It was pretty scary for me, and it hurt, but it was also VERY exciting!

Laela: Push?

I explained that most ladies have to help their baby come out with pushing.
Laela: Like a poop?

Me: Sigh. Yes, exactly like a poop.

Rowan: Can you talk about me now?

Hahaha! 🙂 Classic Ro.

Me: Of course we can! I was a little bit scared after I had Laela so fast, so I went to the hospital early when I had you, so we could really watch and see when you were going to come out. I had my doctor there, and a great nurse, and I got to have medicine so it wouldn’t hurt as much. And you came out so nicely and quickly, and I wasn’t scared! Having you was SO fun!

Dekker and Laela: And Solly??

Me: Solly was born a lot like Rowan. I wasn’t scared, I had really nice people helping me, and Solly was born so easily. Lots of people came to watch because it was going so smoothly.

Laela: But I was the crazy one!!

I confirmed that, yes, she was the crazy one, but that her birth was very exciting and surprising, and probably the one I learned the most from. We also talked about how her birth wasn’t all too different from how Auntie Caity was born. She was THRILLED to know she could share her crazy story with another person, and someone she loves quite a bit.

It was probably the cutest conversation I’ve had with the kids in a long time, and I think it was pretty successful, too! They know the basics of what happens when a woman has a baby, and they’re not completely scarred or afraid of it. Laela still maintains that she wants to have babies someday, which makes my heart happy. It feels like a mom win that no one was upset by any of it.

I’ve been wondering when the day would come that my kids would want to know their birth stories. I didn’t anticipate they’d ask so soon, but I LOVE that it happened! I can’t help but hope we can add another exciting birth story to the mix this coming summer! Cmon, Bambino! You have a crew of siblings eager to meet you!

Poor Dekker.

I got a call from the school today. Its probably our third in the last two weeks, so it feels like a lot. One hadn’t been a bit deal – asking for some of Laela’s information so she could be added to the list of kindergarteners. Another was the call that Dekker had thrown up last week. And now today.

Dekker had fallen during recess and was pretty upset about it. However, he had requested to come home. Now I really don’t want to be the mom who comes and picks up her kid for every little bump and bruise. But his teacher seemed to think he wasn’t being totally unreasonable, and asked if I wanted to chat with him. We had a little phone convo, and he admitted that he wanted to come home because he was mad, and that he was scared to fall at recess again. I reminded him that he sometimes falls at home, too. He agreed to try to be brave and stay at school.

But then I heard him make this sound. Dare I ask you all try to make it while you read this? Lol! close your mouth all the way, with your teeth clenched together. Then blow some air out. See how your whole face kid of flaps? How make a crying sound like that. That is the sound Dekker makes when he’s trying not to cry. And he made that sound as he walked away from the phone.

When his teacher came back on, I told her I didn’t want to be harsh and leave him there if he should really come home, and I wanted to be compassionate, but I didn’t want to start a bad thing. She was honest and said it would be fine either way, but that he was pretty choked, and without actually saying it to me, I got the vibe that he was somewhat disrupting the class. So I agreed to come get him.

So, here’s the story. Dekker was playing on the snow hill in the playground and another kid kind of jumped and fell into him. Dekker said he tried to jump over him, but it clearly didn’t work out with the ice factor, and he landed on his face. There was some concern that he may have bit through his lip, but thankfully, we’re in the clear on that one. He definitely bit his lip, and its clawed up on the outside and the inside, but not through! Win! I brought him home and marched him directly up to my room where we took some quiet minutes, made sure he was all clean, and “put some stuff on it.” Lol! “Stuff” fixes everything around here. Sometimes the stuff is lotion, or chapstick, or warm water. But in this case, I rubbed a bit of polysporin on it and he was satisfied. It had been his only request. “Can we just go home so you can put some stuff on it?” Yes, of course.

So, stuff was administered and soon after, lunch was had, and 3/4 kids are napping. Dekker is up and relaxing. He’s definitely fine, but sometimes the reassurance is worth the half day at school. Its hard to get hurt away from home! He does it often, and he usually bounces back no problem. But he was swollen and scraped, and frankly, no one at school was his mommy. Its just different. School has different “stuff.” They wear gloves when they look in his mouth. No one kisses him there. All of these things make sense, but they’re just not home. So, now he’s home, and that was the right move this time <3

Brady should be home shortly, and I’m looking forward to a relaxed evening with the lovies.

I was feeling a bit stumped on what to write today, which often results in a boring post, if we’re being honest. Brady suggested I write about the kids recent accomplishments and changes. Being that my head is full, both figuratively and literally (still working on these plugged ears) I told him I couldn’t think of any. Mother of the year award clearly does not go to me! Haha! He texted me back and he was SO right! Our kids have been doing some exciting new things recently that I should absolutely have on record!

Dekker’s newest accomplishment comes along with school. His class has started skating, and we had never taken him before! The first day of skating was last week, and I debated going to help tie skates and lend a hand, but my back pain was pretty out of control and I opted to stay home. Plus, I figured with Dekker being completely new at it, he might attach himself to me, and I didn’t want that to happen. Sometimes they just do better without mom and dad there, you know? So I asked him how it went after school that day, and he said he fell a lot but that he had liked it! Just yesterday, he skated for a second time. He excitedly told me after school that he still fell down, but less. Not too long ago, it was me saying stuff like that to him, reminding him that falling down is ok, and that he was improving, but he wouldn’t be able to see past falling and failure. But he is SO comfortable with it all of a sudden! I am SUCH a proud mama! My timid little boy is getting bigger and older and more confident with every day, and it is just so exciting to see it happen!

Laela has been working HARD on her letters! We bought her a pre-k workbook a while back, really just for fun, and she took to it quickly. She would be upset when “her homework” was done. She has since finished the work book and is asking for more, so we’ve started her on the kindergarten one. Just to practice writing letters and such. She already holds her pencil perfectly! The other day, she was done her page, and Dekker was still working on his homework, so she asked for more. Brady suggested she write out her alphabet. And guys, it is the CUTEST thing!!

Sure, things are a bit all over the place, and I think she missed a couple, but I’d say she did pretty stinking good!! This is one of her “pictures” that I’ll save forever. She melts my heart.

Rowan has been doing some crazy things recently! I think he’s just about ready to potty train!! He insists he won’t until he’s three, but thats just less than a month away now 🙂 He tells me the moment he’s peed or pooped, or if I’m lucky (or yucky) he tells me as its happening. Nothing like your kid standing beside you and telling you he’s pooping. And the smell grows as he stands there. And then he tells you he’s done. Thats a bit bizarre, haha! But he is suddenly VERY aware of bathroom stuff, and even once, completely out of the blue, asked to sit on the toilet and give it a try! While he didn’t end up using the toilet that time, I love that he tried and didn’t seem too nervous. I think its coming! We MAY suddenly only have one in diapers!! Eek!

Solly’s latest talent is maybe a little late to the game, but I’m still stoked 🙂 He waves and says “hi” and “bye” now! And sometimes he says “wave,” hahaha! Just about nothing thrills my heart as much as him running to the window to join the other kids as they wave someone off, and to see him waving too, saying “waaay bye bye!” He couldn’t be cuter, really. For those wondering about his speech, Solly doesn’t say a whole heck of a lot yet, but in the recent week or two, he has gotten VERY chatty! All baby babble, but LOTS of babble. Thats what Rowan did, too, when he was on the cusp of language, so I’m excited to see what comes up soon! He says a few of the easy words (mama, dada, ni-night) and he’s starting to “help,” which is cute. He puts his sippy cup away after a meal, and he is juuust starting to add a toy or two to the bin while the kids tidy up 🙂 Its starting! He’s becoming a legit toddler! I’m not ready.

I couldn’t be prouder of my kids and the strides they are making recently. I am completely thrilled with who they are, and who they’re becoming. What amazing little people I have in my family!

Well, we are days away from the ominous 16.5 week hurdle, and as far as I can tell at this point, all is well on the inside. Its going to be a pretty big leap for me to eventually separate from the regular ultrasounds and appointments and the reassurance they bring, but no one is rushing me on that. We are waiting until there is good, confident fetal movement before we’ll back off of too many things. For now, we just continue to take things as they come. I keep dreaming I’m feeling the baby move, but I know I’m not. This anterior placenta is making sure of that! Stinking thing. I think feeling the baby move is still a few weeks away, though maybe prayer can encourage it?? We’ll find out soon, I suppose! While I wait for that, I should say how grateful I am for such loving friends and family who covered us in love and prayers yesterday, and the days leading up to yesterday. It was a huge day, and while I don’t feel out of the woods yet, I’m hoping we can move onward and upward from here!

Size/Comparison: This weeks comparison cracked me up a little. The Ovia app claims the baby is about the size of a dill pickle, but last week compared baby to an avocado. So I guess the baby is the size of a big ole pickle – one that is larger than an avocado. I’ll have more accurate measurements soon 🙂

Appointments: I saw Dr. Guselle last week for another heartbeat check, which went smoothly as usual. The baby was ALL over the place, wanting to be anywhere but under that doppler! Dr. Guselle finally ducked across the room and grabbed my phone, saying “You have to get a video of this for Brady.” I love her. It was super entertaining and reassuring. Hearing that heartbeat never gets old. I also had an appointment just this afternoon with my chiropractor, and WOW! We will discuss that more in a minute here, but he is integral to my body staying together these days.

How am I feeling emotionally: I will feel better soon 🙂 Thats all I can say. I am RIGHT in the thick of it this week, waiting to pass the awful milestone at which we lost the last baby. Without being too dark, this baby has already lived longer than the last one, as Jamin had passed long before we discovered this was the case, so thats something. I hope I can breathe a little easier next week, though. I’m just not quite there yet.

How am I feeling physically: Ok guys, let’s talk about this. A couple of things need to be talked about here. One thing that isn’t really pregnancy related at all is that I still have that ridiculous plugged ear!! It has some fluid in it that will just have to clear over time, but my doctor advised me to try and loosen up the wax in my other ear, since it was almost completely blocked. You might remember this all from a different post. Anyway, I’m doing my part in the loosening of the disgusting wax, but now that its loosening, it settles into a fully plugged ear position!! I woke up multiple times last night, hearing my heart beat in my head, with two fully blocked ears. It felt insane and I HATED it. Finally, I had to stick a finger in there and help the situation, which likely doesn’t help the big picture situation at all. But hopefully Dr. Guselle will blast this sucker clear for me at our next appointment next week. If I live that long. My other CRAZY physical thing going on is an unrelenting lower back pain. I’ve never had this kind of pain in pregnancy. I’ve had my crazy pelvic pain, we’ve talked about that lots before, but that pain resets every single night after a bath and a sleep. This lower back pain, however, does not. It makes everything painful. Sitting, standing, walking, lying down, lifting a kid, getting in and out of a vehicle, bending, everything! I got in to see my chiropractor today and I am thrilled to say it was possibly my most productive chiro appointment ever! He explained so thoroughly what was where and warned me well before he’d crack something. He helped me move around more than usual, knowing how much pain I was in. He asked if he could check my pubic bone, which he’s done before in the past, VERY professionally and safely, and said it was out. He was casual about it at first, and set me up to have it put back in place. Guys, that is SO painful. After four attempts, it still wasn’t all the way back in place, and he had to use this little hammering tool thing to get in where it needed to go. It was SO painful. But he’s explained this pubic bone thing to me before about how the pubic bone is actually two bones, and when they sit crooked at all, it basically ruins everything. He said more than just being a bit misaligned this time (which is all it takes) one side was actually raised up and sitting at an angle! I didn’t even know they could do that. Live and learn. So now things are back, and I can tell they are, because other parts of me hurt pretty badly, yet the very front of my pelvis is strangely pain-free. I hope it calms down in a day or two because I can’t exactly just sit and do nothing… Rant over! Oy!

Wish Lists/Purchases: I ordered a couple of bathing suits a week or two ago for my freshly postpartum self, but neither of them fit :/ Merp. Off they go back to the store, and I’ll reorder them in new sizes and see what works. I’m still hopeful! Just annoyed. Otherwise, I bought a new comfy lululemon bra off of a girl here in town. None of my current bras fit nicely, but now this one does. Win! (Yes, I realize thats a lot of info. Its just a bra. You’re fine.)

Pictures: I admit, I don’t have any. Every time I think to take a picture, I’m not wearing pants. Sorry, guys!

How are the kids feeling: As usual, Bambino is on the kids minds. Discussions about where the car seat will go in the van have come up. Laela has speculated on how many kids she’d like. The kids are aware that I’ve been missing Jamin quite a bit these days, and they are being very sensitive, loving little humans, as usual. I really hit the jackpot with my family.

Get to know the baby: I think I say it each week but our baby hates the doppler. Or they’re just showing off every time we pull it out. I’ll take either. I know babys kicks can grow to be uncomfortable and disruptive, but I don’t imagine they’ll get old anytime soon. I cannot WAIT to be able to interact with this baby! Yet, as the app has been telling us, baby can now distinguish light through my belly, and can hear our voices! I love knowing that. So, for future people who want to talk to the baby through my belly, feel free! I want this kid to know just how loved they are as early on as possible!

The BEST part of being pregnant: Hopefully this doesn’t come out wrong, but I’d say the best part of being pregnant this last week was having a little baby in my tummy when passing Jamin’s due date. I do NOT want people to think Bambino overshadows Jamin or Theo, but there is some comfort in crossing such a tricky bridge when I know I have someone along for the ride. Not everyone is as fortunate as me to conceive so soon after such a difficult loss, and not everyone wants to! Absolutely, as always, to each their own! But it has helped settle my heart a little. I think its helped me not feel as hopeless. So, for that, I am thankful.

Favorite Thing: Guys!!! You know Pillsbury makes croissants, right? Ok, so those are delicious, and have always been a bit of a guilty pleasure breakfast over here. But I recently discovered Pillsbury also makes turnovers!!! You can’t find them just anywhere (read: NOT at Superstore!) but Walmart tends to have them near the croissants in the cooler, for 2/$5. If you’re from around here, the Walmart in Blairmore has a whole section for them, and they have all three kinds – apple, raspberry, and strawberry. I don’t love apple for this kind of thing, but both of the other are exquisite. SO good!

Yes, they even come with icing. I HIGHLY recommend everyone eat these, preferably in bed, before your kids wake up. Set an alarm on Saturday. I’m not even kidding. Its important.

Seriously, its been a huge week. And this week we’re in feels big, too. But I’m praying for peace very very soon, and I believe it will come. If you feel like praying for the same for us, we’d sure take it! I want to grieve as hard as my heart needs to, and then I want to keep moving and celebrating and expecting the best! Thank you for being such loyal followers of our life and caring about our family. It has been completely amazing having the amount of support that we do. You guys are incredible.

Today is the day. Today was going to be delivery day. The day we would get to hold our little baby boy, our fifth family member. Our rainbow baby. Everything was supposed to be right in the world today. But in the same breath, thats clearly not how today was supposed to go, because it didn’t. Instead, today is an entirely normal day. I’m 16 weeks pregnant instead of 39 weeks pregnant, and its with a different baby. An equally amazing baby, I’m sure, but still. This is not how I dreamed today would go.

This would’ve been our first experience trying to get a kid to school on a delivery day. We would’ve gotten up at our normal time for a school day – 7:15 – and immediately turned our phones on sound. We would’ve gotten the kids up for breakfast and rushed the morning routine a little. Jerilee would be awake and on standby. If today went anything like the last two times, we would’ve received our call between 8:00 and 8:30. We would’ve received our orders to come either in the morning or the afternoon. Brady would’ve probably taken Dekker to school while I loaded the last minute stuff into the hospital bag. Toothbrushes and paste, deodorant, laptop and chargers, etc. Everything else should’ve been packed by now. The car seat should be in the van. Though in this recreation, we would probably leave the van here with Jerilee and trade her out for her car, which would hold the car seat. Just in case she needed to take the kids somewhere while we were away.

Regardless of morning or afternoon, we’d let Jerilee know and she’s either head on over, or come maybe around lunch. And then we’d kiss our kids and would head off! We’d grab food and coffee on the way to the hospital so I could eat one last time before it all began, and we’d eat and talk about what was to come. We’d be super excited, and laugh at being old pros, I bet. We’d confirm baby names with each other, which would be totally unnecessary, because we would know by then. We’d make it to the hospital, park in the tiny fetal assessment lot, and go sit up in registration on the fourth floor among the strangely quiet couples. We are always the weird ones in the waiting area. We talk and make jokes and hold hands, and everyone else is so stoic and quiet. I find it funny 🙂 It would finally be our turn, and we’d be led to the room where we’d settle in for my induction. We’d chat with our nurse and do a quick recap of my history and why things are done the way they are for us. She’d give me a hospital gown to wear. Brady would take a corny belly picture of me in it. The monitors would go on, and I would ask that they keep the volume on a little, because I just never tire of hearing that heartbeat. Especially this time, after my loss of Theo. This was going to be our calm after the storm. Our reminder that I was still capable of having a baby. Our confidence booster. Our CELEBRATION.

Labour can’t be speculated, but it would’ve been worth the end result. I would be induced. It would quite possibly be a short and fairly uneventful labour, if its anything like the last two. And we’d finally have our baby just a few hours later. Another little boy to add to our beautiful brood of children.

I’m honestly now sure if we would’ve named the baby Jamin had he carried full term or not. We weren’t ready to have him when we did. Names weren’t chosen at 16.5 weeks. They shouldn’t have needed to be. We shouldn’t have had him at 16.5 weeks. We should’ve had him today, at 39 weeks. He should’ve been big and healthy and fuzzy and soft.

We would’ve spent the night at the hospital, and lamented a little bit that so many of the nurses that we are friends with are ALL on maternity leave themselves! But likely there would still be some familiar faces who I hope would poke their noses in and come say hi. I wouldn’t sleep that first night, thanks to the adrenaline, but it would be fine. I would be happy. And we’d go home the very next day, barring any unforeseen issues. This would all feel normal, and right.

Instead of this beautiful plan, we’ll do our day differently. Dekker has an eye appointment that Brady is taking him to. Laela and Rowan are playing toys on the island. Solly is crying at the couch under which he threw and effectively lost the toy he was playing with. I’m sipping coffee and trying not to move from the comfortable position I found. Its a normal day. Not a delivery day at all.

This is the big one, friends. This is a HARD day already. I felt strong enough to handle it until I stood up and got out of bed. Please, cover our family in prayer today, if you think of us. Pray for peace, and strength, and a new burst of hope when today’s heaviness has lifted a little. And PLEASE pray for Bambino ❤️

We had gone back and forth of the last couple of days whether or not we should go to church on Sunday with Dekker having thrown up at school on Thursday. It sounds dramatic to hole up for so long, I know, but the flu is SO violent this year! However, Dekker is not sick, hasn’t been sick since, and we just knew we were clear to go. I had forgotten that it was a baptism Sunday, and I was so glad we made it on such an exciting week 🙂

While church was really wonderful this morning, it was also LONG, and the kids were pretty over it by the end of it all. We rushed home pretty quickly after to feed the kids lunch and try to sneak in a nap before it was too late. But rushing wasn’t gentle on my aching body.

If you’ve never been to our church, we have hard, wooded benches. I’ve never had much of an issue with them, because they make for great acoustics sound-wise, and when it comes to the time in the service that we inevitably pull out pencils and paper for the kids to draw on, they can sit on the floor and use the bench as a table top. Its a good set up. The only time I’m ever less than thrilled with the benches is towards the end of my pregnancies when my body hurts. Well today those suckers did me in. Shifting positions at any point was pretty challenging, and my back was just screaming by the end of it. So while Brady got the kids fed, I went upstairs for a lay down and took some Tylenol.

The meds didn’t even touch me, and I was soon off to a baby shower. It wasn’t too far, so I figured I’d walk and see if that helped at all. I knew it would hurt in the moment, but I thought maybe it would somehow stretch out the angry muscles or benefit me somehow. You’re always supposed to keep moving, right? So, I tried. I walked to the shower with a friend, and enjoyed myself far too much, and stayed way too long, as usual. I am always among the last to leave. ALWAYS. My bad. But goodness, my back was maybe in worse shape after than it was before. I was determined to walk, but as I got to the street to finally head home, someone offered me a ride and I gave up and took it. So. Much. Pain.

I truly enjoyed the morning at church, and I loved the afternoon spent with so many amazing people, celebrating a new baby. It was ALL worth it! But MAN I hurt now, yikes!! Haha! So I will likely spend the rest of the evening in bed, except for a soak in the tub I’m hoping comes soon! There could definitely be worse fates 🙂 I have a cozy bed, happy children, a husband playing guitar for them downstairs, and a little baby in my womb that I know isn’t feeling any of the pain I am. I can absolutely handle this.

Tomorrow will be a different story, but I’m trying not to go there yet. Lucky for me, Brady will be home most of the day, and I’m sure I’ll have all the support I could ask for from him <3 Tomorrow will come soon enough. Today, despite my aching lower back, has been incredibly lovely. What a great day to finish the weekend off with!

Yesterday was just amazing, and I’m SO eager to share about it! It was all unexpected and honouring and humbling and thoughtful and just so full of love.

I found out about halfway through the afternoon that someone was bringing my family supper. I was completely caught off guard, but gladly accepted. Hard days are upon our family, and while I’m not exactly shy about it, it was incredibly touching to see people take action and show our family love in this way. Not too long after that, another friend got in touch with me and invited me over for a visit after our kids had all gone to bed. I happily accepted the invite 🙂 It feels so important to have friends and loved ones with us in these tricky times. I was so thankful to have an invite out, to get me out of the house and out of my own head, but into a place that still felt safe and comfy.

Right around supper time, a meal compiled by four women from our church arrived at our house in the form of a big pail of soup, homemade bread, a BIG box of desserts and baking, and a card. We were completely overwhelmed, and thrilled. Our usually soupspicious (see what I did there?) kids ate it easily, as did Brady and I. It was a loaded corn chowder, and it was completely delicious. Supper was amazing in every way.

After the kids had gone down, Brady and I had a quick soak and watched some tv. I texted my friend shortly before 8:00 and said she could just let me know when she was ready for me. Not too long after that, there was a knock on our door. Often, when she and I get together, we’ll kind of swap houses, so I figured her husband had just showed up to hang out with Brady here, and I’d take that as my cue to head her way. Except it wasn’t her husband. It was her! I grabbed my jacket and headed out with her, but her car was there, and we live like half a block away from each other, so I knew something was up.

🤔

Sure enough, I was right. She drove us to another friends house, and unloaded an armful of stuff from her car. In we went.

Guys, I’m not going to be able to do this evening justice, but it was SO incredible. A handful of my friends from church had gathered with the plan of a girls movie night in. They set up the island with all the treats and munchies I’ve been loving these days (Doritos with sour cream, skittles, swedish berries, cookies, baking, etc) and we had Shirley Temples (the majority of the group was either pregnant or freshly nursing a newbie.) There was a gift bag to one side, and some wrapped flowered next to it. I cried like a loser into my drink as we stood all together in the kitchen. I was completely overwhelmed by the love and care that these women were offering me, just because they knew how hard I’ve been struggling. I was gifted two blue roses (in honour of my little boys,) a big pretty succulent, an oil infuser necklace (that I’m SO excited to put together and have hope for some anxiety busting!) and the little Willow Tree Angels I’ve been pining after. All of this was topped off with a card from a shocking number of women from church who participated in the evenings plan. I have never felt so strongly that so many people have my back. It was incredibly overwhelming and humbling and, honestly, just so so needed. We loaded up our plates with treats and snuggled into the living room for a movie. It was SO perfect.

There is something to be said for people like these. These women knew that they weren’t just coming for some comfy squishy movie night. They knew how sad I was, and that there might be some heaviness, and no one was afraid of it. I didn’t have to feel funny crying in front of them, or talking about my miscarriages, and they didn’t have to feel funny loving on their new babies in front of me. It was a lot of trust from every angle, and I couldn’t be more thankful that they all came and took those little risks and showered me with such love. UNBELIEVABLE!

We had such a lovely time of chatting and just being together, but it had to end eventually, so I made it home right around midnight. I felt uplifted, and like my cup had been filled. My sorrow isn’t gone, and there are still big days approaching, but I feel so much more prepared. I know people are thinking of us and praying for us, so that is HUGE. I was reminded just how much support I have, and that I could call in the troops, if need be, and they would come. Also, somehow, being with these friends last night seemed to release my emotions a little bit, and I almost felt safer, or permitted, to just cry and be sad. I know I can cry whenever I need to, and I can feel however I feel, but I didn’t have to be strong last night. I didn’t have to try and keep on trucking. I could just cry, and feel all the things I feel, while surrounded by loving friends who wanted to be there in support of our family. I don’t know how else to explain all of this. It was completely mind blowing. Life changing, even. Earth shaking. Bottom line: This is the kind of friend that people need. A friend who shows up without being asked, and loves you no matter how much “work” it is. BE THIS KIND OF FRIEND.

Today has felt emotional for me, coming off of ALL the love of yesterday, being surrounded by my beautiful children all morning, missing my husband while he’s working, and knowing that there are big days ahead. If things had gone differently, I would be days away from delivering our sweet little Jamin. But, instead, we are where we are, and thats ok too. Its not what I would have chosen, but it is what I have to deal with, and I accept that. Its not an easy thing to accept, but it would be much much harder to absorb if I didn’t have the faith in Jesus that I have, the support of a loving, involved husband, and the abounding love offered to me by my friends, family, and my church family.

To all of you beautiful people who were involved in this, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. I can’t even begin to explain all of my feelings (clearly) but please know how you’ve touched me. I feel stronger because of you.