The Daily Hailey

I really appreciated the love and concern on my post yesterday about not sleeping. I’m very happy to say that I slept WAY better last night. There were factors to it.

Factor one was exhaustion. I was completely shot from the night before, so that helped.

Factor two was the hot bath I had before bed. It was juuust hot enough that I was really comfy and I didn’t overheat.

Factor three was a chat on the phone with my mom before bed. I love her.

Factor four was a change with Rowan. I haven’t gotten into a ton of details with some of the things we’re struggling with Rowan about, but yesterday evening, he didn’t get up once, which was instrumental in Brady and I being able to be comfy and truly let down. There’s a lot more to that, but just trust me when I say we were all better for it.

Factor five was likely the Nyquil I took, despite a lack of cold, but as a necessity.

I’d say those were the factors, but there was one more. Rowan appeared up in our room in the wee hours of the morning, saying something about a weird taste in his mouth. I told him to just take a drink and go back to bed, which he did. I remember him surfacing again, saying his mouth still tasted funny, or something along those lines. Brady intercepted him and brought him downstairs so I could keep sleeping. I believe he came upstairs even a third time, but again, Brady made a point to snag him before he woke me fully, because he knew how badly I needed that nights sleep.

And he was right. I slept hard all night long. I still feel pretty zombie-like today, but I imagine it’ll take another night or two of real sleep to truly catch up on that entirely lost night.

As terrible as it sounds, I’m actually a bit relieved, but Rowan woke up feeling pretty under the weather. Not that I’m happy he’s sick at all, but I’m happy he wasn’t just waking us up in the night to mess around. While we had friends over this morning (a friend and her son) Rowan lurked on the couch and was pleasant but somewhat antisocial. He didn’t even want any of the freshly baked pear loaf they brought! When our company headed home, it came time to tidy up for lunch. Rowan cried all through tidying, complied with my request to at least eat a banana, and he went directly to bed with no fight whatsoever. Poor little guy.

I had a really nice morning. I’m so fortunate that, when times are tough and I’m the downerist of downers, people still come around me and let me just be, however that looks. Today felt uplifting, even though the grief is still in full swing and the frustration is bubbling at the surface. I’m SO thankful my friends are willing to take that risk and be here when I’m so far from at my best.

Brady’s work day ran short, and he is on his way home. My house is in full nap more, and the dishwasher is even running, because I even did the dishes! Look at me still doing stuff! The show must go on, right?

Right.

Last week, I spoke to my doctor about everything surrounding our current miscarriage situation. She was nothing but supportive and caring. She reminded me that, while my baby had passed away in my body, it was still important that I not neglect myself. She reiterated that I need to keep myself healthy, even when I feel miserable. Its SO easy to just soak in my own misery, but that doesn’t help anyone. Not my family, or myself. Dr. Guselle gently offered to send a prescription for something to help me sleep. I thanked her, but said I was not above taking a gravol or something to help me feel a bit more drowsy. She okayed that, and said again, its very important that I sleep. And I agreed.

As timing tends to happen, when all of this was going down, I came down with a nasty cold. So considering there was no longer a living being inside my body, I decided to take NyQuil overnight, to help with my cold, my body pains, and inevitably, my sleep. I’ve been taking it since that day, and I’ve been sleeping pretty well, considering both the meds and the general emotional/physical exhaustion aspect.

Yesterday, I pushed myself and went to the Kids Club kick-off night. Brady and I were both feeling pretty drained, and we knew kids were definitely allowed to just be dropped off. However, Laela declined fast in the evening, and wasn’t able to go. And we knew Dekker didn’t want to go completely alone if he didn’t have to. Yesterday was also a day where Brady hit a wall. He is strong for me 100% of the time he can be, but as we all know, everyone eventually hits that wall. And yesterday evening, Brady hit it hard. So I ended up going. I was a complete mess, with lumpy hair that had been in the same ponytail for five days, in the shirt and hoodie I had worn for the last five days, with very little energy or enthusiasm. Thank goodness, Dekker was happy to have me there, and we moved slowly from game to game, and snuggled together when we were all sitting and listening. It was nice, but it was a stretch.

I came home completely wiped out. I hadn’t exerted myself, but I was just shot. Completely. Brady had run me a bath, so I soaked for a long time, and dozed off a little bit while we watched a show. We called it quits around 11:30 maybe. I was so tired, I didn’t take any medication.

And I was up. All. Night.

No word of a lie. Not a wink. First I was kind of hot, and then I just couldn’t find a comfy position. I tried to lay still and prayed for sleep. I closed my eyes and listened to the fan. I intentionally didn’t watch a clock or play on my phone or anything of the sort. My mom always told me that would make it worse, and she was right. So I dutifully lay in bed, rolling over and over, trying to get there. I held out for way longer than usual, it felt. I finally gave in and checked my phone for the time, thinking I would maybe go find a gravol or something to get at least some sleep. But it was too late. It was 4:30am.

I spent the next 2.5 hours wrapped in my own special form of anxiety. I picked fights with people in my head. I panicked about things I’m falling behind on. I went over and over some of the injustices of the last few weeks and wished I could change the past. So basically, I just stressed myself out for nothing. Even in my anxiety, I reminded myself that my anxiety is always worse when I’m overtired, which I obviously was. I knew I’d feel better after literally any sleep.

But sleep did not come. My eyes were open, staring at the ceiling, when my alarm went off. True story, today might be really interesting. But its just me and the two littlest ones until Rowan gets home from preschool. Then lunch (which was brought to us yesterday by a loving friend) and nap time, which I hope very much to partake in today.

Cold or not, you better believe I’m going to be taking some kind of gentle sleep aid tonight. Will not be doing that again.

As many of you learned yesterday, its been a pretty difficult time for our family recently. Thank you, friends, for your love and care. Your support means to much to me. It makes this all a a little bit less lonely. So thank you for that, friends. 

Unfortunately, in the midst of our sorrow and struggle and frustration, Laela’s sixth birthday crept up on us out of nowhere. Monday was the day of her birthday, and we had made no plans. None. Zero. And I felt like an utter failure. Because she has been counting down the days, and she was so excited, and speculating about what she wanted to do. None of her ideas were unreasonable, but they felt WAY too big when we were going though everything. We knew we had some time, so we let it sit on the back burner, until it was too late. That. Sucked. 

In the morning before school, I asked her what she would choose for her birthday supper. Praise the Lord for her not being wounded or questioning the fact that it was last minute. And Also, praise the Lord for a little girl who is easy to please. She asked for macaroni with wieners, and some cold veggies on the side. “And a cake,” she said. That was all she wanted, and it was so simple. 

I ended up having company during the day, which was actually a huge relief to my aching heart. I did not, however, end up making a cake. So I felt like an even bigger failure. It was my ONE job. Ugh. 

Brady left work to come home around 4:00. I asked him to grab some kind of dessert on his way home, and he was more than willing. He asked where to go, and what I wanted to get for her. I buckled and I asked Laela. Did she want cookies? Cupcakes? Ice cream cake? Regular cake? What color of icing? All the options. She thought about it seriously for a minute, before Dekker offered a suggestion. 

“Did you want the kind I had for my birthday?” he asked. “Tuxedo cake?”

YES! That was it. 

So Brady hit Costco while the kids did homework, put their stuff away, and talked about having Laela’s birthday on a school day. It was a very normal day, and I felt SO crappy about it. 

Thank goodness, our children are beautiful, gracious individuals. Laela was SO excited for her macaroni and wieners for supper, and there was not a single inquiry about where her party was. No decorations or even a gift to present her with. 

I’m SO thankful for our amazing friends across the street! I texted them SO last minute to invite them for birthday cake, and they came right over. They made the party feel like a party!!! Laela had guests, and she was SO happy. We all sang for her and ate big pieces of chocolate tuxedo cake. She blew out her candles and then whispered to me that she wished for more babies. 💔

We visited a little at the table while the kids ran wild through the house. It was very quickly the kids bedtime, and our party guests headed home. The rest of us extended the evening just a little bit, and enjoyed a dance party to some music videos of Laela’s choosing. 

There was nothing but gratefulness from our birthday girl. I was the one who felt unhappy and like the ball had been dropped. For now, it seems this will just have to do. 

Laela, I hope you feel how deeply your family and friends love you!! 

In order to give Brady and I an extra-quiet quiet time, Cher took a study break on Saturday and invited the big kids out to play during nap time.

Thank you, Cher, for wanting to hang with my kids ❤️

They made their way to the playground and played hard for a nice stretch of time. It was blustery out, but everyone was pretty bundled so they did ok.

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Not too long after that, they meandered their way to the restaurant for hot chocolate, because apparently it was a little cool out there.

The walk there produced some of the BEST pictures, in my opinion.

Eventually they arrived for some drinks and fries.

They enjoyed their date, I like to believe they were grateful and used their manners, and then they wandered back towards the playground…

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And eventually home.

We’ve had a couple of nice, quieter moments in the house recently, and our kids have been well loved on. I’m SO thankful for our thoughtful, loving village. We are so undeserving, but so fortunate. I won’t try to talk my way out of it. I’ll just be grateful.

** Thank you, Cher, for all the beautiful photos. They are SUCH a gift to our family.

I thought it would be important to have on record a few more milestones we’ve hit with Wavy 🙂 As I’ve been watching her in the last week or so, I’m just awestruck by how much she knows and hoe well she fits in our family. 

First of all, and clearly SO notable, lol, Wavy has chunked up in just the last week. All of a sudden, she’s like a stuffed sausage in her little tshirts, with her belly hanging out the bottom. Its as though her belly button is deeper. Its hilarious. She’s such a little tank. 

Speaking of her belly button, she knows where it is. If she’s in the mood, and you ask her where her belly button is, she lifts up her shirt and pokes it. She’s really catching on to basic commands. She’ll happily come when you call her. She’ll run to the window to wave when someone leaves, and wait at the baby gate when you tell her someone’s arrived. She knows what her mouth is, and is more trustworthy not to eat books anymore. She knows what her socks are, and tends to remember where she hid them when we ask. She knows her siblings names. She knows the basics of what she’s not supposed to have, and if she gets a hold of something she shouldn’t have (paper books, phones, hairballs, lol) she’ll usually bring them to somebody, as though to say “I probably shouldn’t have this.” She’s SO sweet. 

She has taken very well to being read to, and will often waddle her way over to me, waving a book. When I take it from her, she giggles madly and flaps/reaches for me. She LOVES to be read to! BUT, weird side note. She hates Clifford. Like hates him. Lol! So, take note. 

She is changing so quickly, and is in full toddler mode. Man alive, I love her so much. I love them all, but these beginning milestones just thrill my heart.

On a day where my heart is heavy and the temperature outside is cold, I spent a beautiful day in my warm house with my closest friends. I am SO fortunate.

Brady went to work early, and the kids and I took our time getting the day started. Jerilee came with coffee, and we visited while the kids played nicely together for the morning. Except Waverly.

She wasn’t feeling very well, and was a bit of an emotional wreck. She would come for a snuggle, but the moment she wanted to be done, she’s struggle and fuss. I’d set her back down, she’d take two steps, and immediately disintegrate again. It cycled all morning, which was pretty exhausting. She rallied right around 11:00 out of nowhere, so she got some happy playtime in before we packed it in around 11:45 for lunch. Everyone ate lunch pretty well, and Wavy giggled the whole way to her nap.

Jerilee left shortly after naptime started, and Cher took a study break and joined me for a couple of hours in the afternoon. We visited quietly while Dekker and Laela assembled a lego set together. It was so nice to see them play and work together with minimal arguing. We had a nice, quiet afternoon together.

Brady finished his house much quicker than we had anticipated, and made it home around 3:30, just as the nappers were waking up. It just all timed out so nicely.

The evening will just be the seven of us, and leftover tacos are on the menu. I love taco night that I always make a couple batch and then just eat the leftovers consistently until they’re gone. Anyone else??

We had a rare friendship moment between Dekker and Laela after school today. It was simple, but worth remembering.

Dekker and Laela occasionally want to wrestle each other, and it never ever ends good. Its one of those things where I warn them its going to end in either blood or tears, and I’m not going too feel so bad if someone is upset about it at the end. But they insist, so I leave them to it. Today, that was a good choice.

It went from wrestling onto a chair to one trying to sit on the others lap while the one tried to prevent it. From there, it became one lying across another. And then I heard Laela chirp “You be a desk!”

So, Dekker dutifully became a desk.

And they LOVED it. Laela read on his belly, which was the whole joke to begin with, but eventually the “desk” flipped the book up and clocked her in the chin. She handled it tho.

The game grew. Laela pulled a “mom” thing and started teasing Dekker.

“Oh! Whats under here?” she’d ask, and lift up his shirt and poke his belly button. He could not handle it, he laughed SO hard. She walked her fingers up his arm and tickled his neck, and he just screeched. He flopped around and eventually fell off of her.

It was all fun and games until Laela was to be the desk. There was an abrupt ending, but no one was upset. It was a good moment. I’m glad I got to see it.

We have a new hurdle on our hands. Waverly, however, does not feel its a hurdle. Its now a game. And she LOVES it.

So Wavy mastered stairs a good while back now. Not going back down the stairs, but she’s fabulous at going up them! We try and teach her how to back down them, but she screams and just wants to keep motoring forward. There have been a few times I’ve noticed her a few stairs up, and before I can reach her, she’s backed down them. She’s done good so far, but I don’t trust her 100% yet, obviously. So most days, we drag our toy ottoman in front of the stairs to block her from them. I know, she needs to learn. But she would NOT leave them alone, and we were just constantly carrying her back down while she waaailed. Over and over and over again. Wasn’t a teaching moment in any way.

So as you might expect, Waverly decided to learn to get over the ottoman. And myyy goodness, she was SO proud of herself.

It didn’t even take effort. Just swung a leg on up and she was over.

Since her new skill was discovered, she still tests out the stairs from time to time, but her gaze has shifted. She cares less about stairs and cares much more about climbing!

*sigh* Ya, thats the top of the piano.

So we’re going grey over here. We’ve never had a climber before. My kids are always pretty relaxed about getting places, but Waverly is just ready to be in it all.

Today, she got up on the little black recliner. She was pleased as punch!

She cracked open the book she had brought and “read” it for a second before slamming it down on the floor beyond the chair.

“Uh oh,” she said. “I dopped.” Ya you did, girly.

She leaned WAY forward to try and reach it, and almost went down before I caught her. I tried to turn her around and show her how to get down but that fiercely independent baby would have none of it. She was ANGRY at me, like I had stolen her right of passage of a forehead goose egg or something. I’m sure she’ll have her chance eventually, lol!

I’ve been realizing recently that, when we moved into this house, we had two “big” kids, Rowan was juuust learning to walk, and Solomon was brand new. We now have five completely mobile children in the same amount of space, and its tiiiiime for more space! GAH! Our only big holdup for the basement is carpet. Carpet would make it all liveable, and we could pick at the finishing over winter and finish it up. Do flooring stores ever have promos?! I’m antsy!