So I’ve been saying for a while now that I’m suffering with some body pain. I’m going to try and burn through the history of it really quick.
I honestly don’t even remember when it started, but it was just my left shoulder. It was warm and blotchy, always. Sometimes it was visibly swollen but mostly it was just warm. I left it alone but kept an eye on it. I had a stretch where it began to restrict my movement so I decided it was finally time to see a doctor. After quite a runaround, I saw someone who was vastly unhelpful and left a pretty bad taste in my mouth. I moved to physio and got some exercises. They helped a little, but the pain had started up a little in the right shoulder now. I followed up with a second physio appointment and was given new exercises with very light weights. Right around that second appointment, Cher had a car accident, and I felt strong sympathy pains for her for a while. And then shortly thereafter, I caught our round of stomach flu, resulting in painful, rib moving, back breaking vomit. So my body went through a fair amount of stuff in a short period of time, and the pain refused to get better. And it continued to refuse to heal.
The pain situation is this. Pretty much ALL of my joints hurt. All. The. Time. It began with shoulders, and went down to elbows, wrists, and fingers. That has always been the worst parts. My wrists hurt so much that my fingers cannot physically bear weight. So things like pouring coffee creamer, opening milk, opening doors, and pulling up my own pants were incredibly difficult. Forget the fact that I have five small children to lift and dress and diaper and snuggle and all that good stuff. Doing dishes was excruciating. Laundry was near impossible. By the end of the days, I kid you not, I couldn’t lift my blanket or adjust my pillow. My hands had nothing left. As if that wasn’t enough, I’d also lose all leg strength by the end of the day. My hips, knees, and ankles were unreal. I couldn’t get up stairs on my own. Sometimes my ankle pain would mimic my wrists, and leave my toes in excruciating pain or seized up. The pain just chose where it wanted to be and jumped to and fro every day. I had a couple of days where my jaw decided to flake out and I couldn’t bite my teeth together. And after a day or two of difficulty taking deep breaths, I was officially concerned.
Christmas was hard. I couldn’t pitch in at the family gatherings the way I’d have liked, and when I powered through and I did pitch in, I paid dearly for it. There was at least one morning that I had to miss out on and lay flat on my back in bed rather than being with my siblings and their kids. Another morning, Brady literally had to dress me because my body was creaking so hard and my hands wouldn’t work. It was a low, low time. I went to a walk-in on Christmas Eve. He was polite and concerned. He ordered xrays and bloodwork but basically said I should follow up with my doctor rather. I went for the tests on the 27th, and while they told me my bloodwork is normal, they WILL NOT releases my X-ray results. As in I signed a release and my doctor has called and emailed, and she still doesn’t have them. Its so stupid.
I saw my doctor. Finally. Last Tuesday. I called on Monday morning and said I needed an appointment. They told me I was a month out. I told them I knew they held same day appointments and I needed one. Thankfully, I knew the receptionist, and she fudged the systems and gave me one for the next morning. The pain meds the walk-in doctor gave me ran out that next morning anyway.
I saw Dr. Guselle on January 7th, months after this whole thing began. And I blubbered. All she knew was I had pain, but she had no idea where I was at. I cried about all of my pain, told her about all of my stupid appointments and lack of results. I told her about all of the events that happened one after the other and how I was SO angry that it wasn’t getting better. I spouted off all kinds of stressful events that I thought were contributing to my pain. She had her hand over her mouth, and I heard her swear for the first time ever when I told her about Waverly’s breath holding. She just felt with me, and it really showed. I cried and told her about Dekker’s collarbone break the day before. I finally said that if we write this pain off as stress, I’m never going to get better. She stopped me in my tracks, as she does once in a while when I overreact, and said no. No, this will not go on forever. She could help me with this.
She asked me about my sleep and I cried again. Its been crap. I wake up a lot, because I’m in pain. And then I can’t fall back to sleep, because again, pain. So that was her first move. I had to sleep. She told me there was a “study” done back in the day on med students (Med students are people too! Lol!) where they all went to sleep in a facility, and were shook awake every hour on the hour. Apparently, they were all MISERABLY ILL through the study, with physical sickness, hallucinations, etc. We NEED sleep. SO she said that was a huge necessity so my body could actually let down and heal. Because normally, her advice would be to bind up the had that was in the most trouble, and not use it AT ALL for a number of weeks. However, not only are both of my hands in trouble, but I have to use them. There is no way around that!
She did a physical exam, and saw how little mobility I had in my upper half. I did fine with my legs, but she also was very understanding that my pain jumps, and that day simply was not a leg day. She noted how high I could (couldn’t) lift my arms, and she watched me lift Waverly when she needed me. (Yes, I brought Wavy. It wasn’t ideal, but she was SO GOOD! SO content! I was incredibly proud of her, sitting in the chair next to me, swaying and singing to herself while we talked.)
So we made a plan. Dr. Guselle changed up my pain medication just a little, got me on a stomach protector (because why add an ulcer to the pain I already have?) and gave mine something for sleep. Beyond that, I will seek out some more physio, hopefully this coming week. As always, I left my appointment with Dr. Guselle feeling hopeful and uplifted.
Brady carried the torch for Dekker’s nighttime meds this week while I’ve been completely drugged up overnight, which I have really appreciated. And by “appreciated,” I mean both Brady and the medications. Because there is improvement, thank the Lord.
Not long before now, I would wake up with hands that hurt to move at all. As in I was unable to bend my fingers. Especially my thumbs! The worst! My shoulders were horrible if I slept on my side, which I worked really hard not to do. I couldn’t sit up in the mornings, and usually I couldn’t turn my head fully both ways. It took a LONG time. And then however the day played out, Brady would get me up stairs by walking behind me with his forearms out so I could brace my forearms on his and push up. It was slow going, and I would lay in bed and say “I don’t know what to do. What am I going to do?” I was desperate, and so scared.
Now, its different. In my deep sleep, I do end up moving my arms more, so my shoulders ache in the morning, but they recover. My hands are still sore and my thumbs are still frozen but they warm up to be usable fairly quickly. My legs are much better, and only tired maybe a little bit quicker than average. My neck is fine. My jaw is fine. My rib cage is fine. I can move my blanket, dress myself, and do all of those things that previously left me feeling like an invalid. If I’m being totally honest, lifting is still quite painful. I can do a lot of things, but they hurt, and I’m trying to heal, so I’m currently not pouring milk, lifting groceries, doing laundry, doing dishes, and I’m holding the kids as little as possible. I was able to close the van door on my own the other day, which felt pretty victorious! The pulling motion of wiping/scrubbing is agony on my wrists, so I’m doing as little of those things as possible. I feel like a total slacker. But I know there is progress, so I’m taking it.
Three days ago, my pinkies were frozen, couldn’t bend or move without extreme pain.
Two days ago, my pinkies had more movement. They still hurt a LOT, but they could bend.
Yesterday, my pinkies moved normally without pain ❤️ This sounds small and silly, but it leaves me tearing up as I type it out. Maybe healing is coming.
I know the pain I’m dealing with it small potatoes in comparison to so many of you who struggle with chronic illness and pain. I know that I don’t know. But I can vouch that pain every single day is incredibly taxing, and that quality of life tanks pretty easily when you cannot do anything for yourself. But as always, our little village checks in and takes care, and God covers us with His wings.
Thanks you, those who popped in physically and virtually, and made sure all was well. And to you who have actually come in and cared for us. Its been a GO of it, with all the flu bugs and colds and broken bones and pain 😓 but God is good, and so are you guys!!
