The Daily Hailey

I’ve talked about plans a lot in the past. They make me feel sane. I like having an idea of when I’ll be where, so I can be productive while also having things to look forward to.

In the last couple of years, however, a lot of my plans have been turned on their heads, and I’ve learned just how how little control we actually have over a lot of things. I’ve said it a lot – plans are just placeholders while we wait to see what is actually going to happen.

I didn’t really even have a chance to make a plan for this year. It was already very clear last year that something was happening with Brady, and it became top priority VERY early on in the year. I think that is actually a blessing, because I don’t feel like we’ve had to let a whole bunch of big lofty plans and dreams go by the wayside, though of course we would have! Brady comes SO FAR AHEAD of any little plan we might have toyed with.

Back when Brady was first going for his MRIs, I had a hunch that I needed to prepare for something. Maybe you remember. I was meal prepping, freezing things, pre-writing blogs, etc., and at that time, not a single thing was confirmed or scheduled. I just felt like it was the calm before the storm. Well, “calm.” And then, lo and behold, Brady had surgery, ended up paralyzed, and lived in the hospital for the next nine weeks! I had started writing a few blogs, some just titles or ideas, to help me write when my brain was clearly elsewhere. One of my titles was centred around new years resolutions.

I had a GOOD laugh about that. Like, it was a pretty sick laugh in the moment, but its a funny one now, I promise. Resolutions?? Like plans? COMMITMENTS?!?! Heck no!! There is NO way I could even remotely claim to be working towards anything that wasn’t just surviving. It took a while for me to know that was enough. I’m here now.

From where we are right now, toward the end of July, I think I can write out a handful of things that sort of count as resolutions? Intentions? Ideals? Aaaaanyway, here you have it.

We built the deck at the lake. I’d love it if we could finish the awning, too, before the weekend is over.

I’d like to find a counsellor that is a good fit for me.

I’d like to find a financial advisor that I trust.

I’d like to crochet each of my children a blanket for Christmas. (This one is a secret from them, obviously. Don’t tell!)

I’d like to organize another homemade gift exchange like I did the last two Christmases. It feels like it’ll be a stretch but I SO enjoy it!!

I think these appear to be reasonable goals. There are much loftier ones out there, but they are lower pressure, with lesser specifics to measure, and definitely not things to accomplish by the years end. Sure, I’d love to find peace about not feeling capable of doing sooooo many things that I used to. I’d love to be able to host people at my house, or to take my kids out, or to run errands as a family, or to buy my own groceries, or to just feel like less of a mess. But I think all of that will come with time, and maybe one day, I’ll just look at my life and think “Huh. Remember when I couldn’t do those things? I wonder when I started again.” Goodness I cannot wait for that day.

So. The goals.

Build an awning.
Find a counsellor and financial advisor.
Crochet some big projects.
Organize an event.

This is all doable. Three of the things are fun. The other two are important and beneficial. I can do it.

Does anyone care to share a goal they have for the remainder of the year, so I don’t have to feel like a dork making new years resolutions in July?

Yesterday was SO fun. It really couldn’t have been better, honestly. To be clear, it wasn’t just me who felt that way. Cher’s birthday was a huge success, and was enjoyed by all!!
Cher arrived to our spot shortly after 8, and we already had a fire going. My mom wasn’t far behind. I ducked out to drop the kids off at day camp around 9, and then the festivities began!

Birthday scones have become a tradition, as well as bacon, that was made on the barbecue 🤤 No photo evidence of that one because it was gone too fast.
We lurked by the fire most of the morning before heading to a nearby beach, just to mix it up. Mom and Cher had water fights with Wavy, Brady napped and sunburned, and I photographed the whole thing.

Brady and I did go in together for a little bit 💜 it is a challenge for him as the water gets less clear, but it’s fun for a bit for sure! I loved it.

Finally we had been out in the sun long enough that I called it on behalf of the fear of heat exhaustion. We carted ourselves back home, got into dry clothes, and went to retrieve the kids from their final day of day camp. It was sweaty and loud and fun and Wavy pooped and smelled sooooo bad 😆 an excellent time was had by all! Thank you, grandma, for sending our beautiful children to camp 💜
The kids barely came back to our site before running back out after their friends. Brady used that time to work a little more on the awning, and we kept a fire going despite the sweltering heat and sunburns.

The kids had grilled cheese for supper, and once that was done, the birthday supper began! For Cher’s day, we got appetizers from M&M.

That includes cheddar cheese balls, battered pickles, garlic shrimp, bacon wrapped steak skewers, and cheese stuffed mushroom caps. It was absurdly delicious, and a couple of the kids even came for some tastes here and there. It was so fun to share that meal all together around the fire, the four of us adults, and the occasional kid. SO good! A really really nice memory.
It started to get a little rainy, so we got organized on the site and put away the things that needed to stay dry. Finished our food. Brought in towels, etc.
And good thing we did that, because out of nowhere we were hit with a hailstorm.

It was LOUD!!! And a little intimidating! All nine of us piled into the camper and watched the hail come down. It was the longest hailstorm I can remember, but it did end, and order was restored. Vehicle damage, of course, but the camper remains strong 💪
Once the really loud part of the storm was over, we broke out the dessert! It was already late, but my mom had brought a beautiful drumstick cake! One of my favorites and I KNEW Cher would love it.

She did! Woot!
Then the little birthday girl was all tuckered out and took a little cat nap 😴

Then it was getting late and it was time for she and my mom needed to get started on the two hour drive home. We are SO grateful they made the trek out and spent the day here with us 💜
What a beautiful day celebrating a beautiful girl with our beautiful family 💜💜💜 thank you Lord for all you’ve given us!

Today is an important day. Today we celebrate the day, on which, thirty-one years ago, Cher entered the world. I wasn’t there personally, but I imagine she was pink, and that she cried and squirmed for a bit, like babies do. She probably liked things like milk and pooping. She was probably scrawny and fuzzy. She probably wore sleepers and onesies and sucked on her fingers when she was hungry. I say again. I wasn’t there.
What I CAN tell you is that Cher is far from ordinary. She may have done the baby things that pretty much all babies do, but the woman she is now is no average woman.

I am over the moon with pride to call this beautiful Cher Andrea my best friend. Since we have known one another, we have seemed to almost trade off crises, and this last one on my end has been a doozy. And she has stayed by, working hard to do everything she can to make my life as smooth as possible, even when its unpopular and hard. Even amidst all of HER stuff. I was never off her list. And it showed.
I know my memory is fuzzier than it was a year or so ago, but I will never forget the things we’ve gone through, and more than that, the things we’ve COME through successfully, side by side!
Our friendship is one of the books. We know it. Many others see it. We have a beautiful thing, designed and explained only by our Heavenly Father, and I am overwhelmed with gratefulness that he brought you and I together to be best friends in the midst of all the messes and chaos.

Hey check it out I’m wearing the same color in every picture 🤦🏼‍♀️

My sweet Cher, I thank God for you every day. I am so glad you were born those 31 years ago. I couldn’t imagine my family without you. My only regret is that I didn’t get to know you sooner. But hey. We have a lifetime 💜God knows. I’m looking forward to all that is to come.
I love you, Cher. Happy birthday 🎂

I really couldn’t love the weather more. It stormed overnight and was soaking wet this morning. Naturally, this happened right after we placed the beginning of the deck roof up, rendering the built on awning useless

No big loss, though. The kids happily went to camp, like every other day, just a little more damp than usual. They were happy, and so were the three of us who stayed back. 

The rain was a solid motivation to get our awning built. So we slugged back some coffee, Wavy ate some cheese balls, and we were ready to start! 

By “we” I mostly mean Brady. I am SO able and willing to help, but I know it also really makes him happy to be able to do projects again. So I’m nearby. Available. Willing. And I jump in when he asks. It’s a good system. 

At one point, we did realize we were short two boards, and after some research, to our dismay, we came to the conclusion that the closest lumberyard was in PA. So the three of us made a road trip and picked them up! And because of timing, we let Wavy skip naps. She was AMPED. 

We kept working all afternoon. I actually got to help by hanging the joists and screwing the ends on. I am grossly uncomfortable on a ladder, but yay for new experiences?? 😬 I was pretty shaky but we got there!  

It’s been a successful day, and there are more to come 💜

Today has been a really beautiful day in a lot of ways. Starting with yesterday evening, actually. The fire ban lifted. Finally. 

We had a fire going within minutes of finding out. And again this morning. 

We got the kids to camp, gave Wavy some cheese balls, and sat by the fire to sip coffee. While we were there, Brady got a call from the permit people that we had FINALLY been approved to build our awning! 

It’s been kind of a bit of a debacle but it’s sorted out now, and we officially can start the build! 

So we did 😁

While Brady does what he can do, I’ve been crocheting at the fire. 

There isn’t a whole lot more I could ask for right now, to be honest. I feel so content in this moment. It is healing to have these moments in between the chaotic ones, to remind me how they feel. 

I hope you’re having some of the comfort and peace I am experiencing today. 

Thank you for your warm care on my post about my mental state yesterday. It was truly an incredibly hard day that wrapped up with a giant cry, a panic attack, and then the PROPER meds that helped me finally find rest. 

Today is clearer and healthier already. Thank you, Lord. It’s beautifully chilly and misty, and four out of my five children are officially off to their first day of day camp!!! 

We were not as organized as we would’ve liked to be, but alas, off they go, sharing bags and items that we were apparently supposed to bring for each of them 😬 whoops!

Conveniently, Laela got bumped up an age group, so she and Dekker can share items. And Rowan and Solly go together too, so they can also share! Woot! 

Brady signed in the middles and I signed in with the bigs. Surprisingly, the big ones seemed a little timid while the middles were gung ho! Dekker and Laela walked slowly towards their group, and Rowan loudly introduced himself and Solly to the whole room. 

Wavy felt a little lost when we got back to our site. Though she didn’t seem super upset that she didn’t get to attend day camp herself, she was pretty scattered within the first few minutes. She was unsettled but didn’t want to do anything. She just cried and cried. 

Buuuuut I bribed her with cheese balls and now all is well, lol! 

We took a little coffee break, and then went for a long drive in the golf cart together. It was really really sweet to just be the three of us. A little taste of September, I suppose. 

It’s been a really nice morning so far. I feel more myself, though still quite tired from my lost night. But I’ll take improvement over perfection 💜 always. 

A Weary Traveller 

I always struggle the day before we go to the lake. I hope I don’t always feel that way. I think it’s just the time of life we’ve been in. But the prepping the day before we go is hard. Don’t worry, I am not without willing, loving help and all the breaks I need. But still. It’s a hard day. That was yesterday. 

Last night, I did not sleep. I couldn’t figure it out. I couldn’t wind down. I lay awake until about 1:30am and finally gave in and woke Brady. Sometimes just having him up with me makes the difference. Well watch a super chill show, on the darkest screen possible, really really quietly, and I’ll rest a hand on him and fall asleep. It’s like I subconsciously think he will hold down the fort for me, and I can finally let down. 

After about a half hour, I dozed off. But I woke up so shortly thereafter and that was about it. I was awake when Brady got up around 6:00am to take his meds. I dozed a little more after that. But really, I can confidently say I didn’t get more than an hour of sleep last night. 

I used that special wakeful time to myself to worry, gag, overthink, and sulk. Zero stars. Do not recommend. It sucked. 

When it was eventually time to get up and get things moving, I came to the realization that I had taken the wrong pills last night. Instead of taking my heartburn medication and my sleep aid, I took two of my heartburn medications. 🙄 I was SO angry at me. Which really did me no favours at all. 

The one positive thing from all of this is that I know why I didn’t sleep. Part of my overnight fear was that my sleep aid wasn’t working anymore, and now I can know that’s not the case. So I will take my proper medication tonight and it will work itself out. 

But before that happens, I must get through today. I had a good morning cry and then the day could go forward. I feel disgusting. Sick to my stomach. But alas, it’s lake day. And we made it 💜 

Feels like a good day for an afternoon nap 😴 

Today’s post revolves around the reality that Brady is a paraplegic now, and sometimes, people forget.

His first run-in with that harsh reality came right after he arrived home after rehab. Meryl Sweep, our robot vacuum, drove into his feet and almost knocked him over. Brady chastised her immediately. “Meryl! I’m plegic now!” But she has not learned, and continues to nibble his toes and and run into him at full speed. Little jerk.

In the hospital, during rehab, Brady was constantly asked if his shoes or braces were comfortable or fit properly. Brady found it entertaining, and always kind of chuckled and said “you tell me” and his therapists would have to put their full capable feet in their less capable mouths.

Just the other day, Laela requested Brady walk her to the grocery store across town to buy something. Brady laughed and kind of awkwardly said to her “well… I can’t walk…” Don’t worry, guys. We all laughed.

I spoke to Dr. Guselle about counselling the other day, and she made a comment about how it never hurts to get your foot in the door. I giggled on the inside and said “Not for Brady.” Ten seconds later, she caught my joke and stuttered a little, and couldn’t quite muster any words. I laughed at her outwardly, and she admitted she is not often speechless, but I had DONE it!! 🏆

The last one I’ll share is from the other day, when we went to URO-Med to pick up Brady’s FES machine. We went in and chatted with the staff in the front for a little while, and they told us they had watched us pull up and get out of the van. When they saw Brady step out of the van and stand, they figured we were not their customers after all, but then I pulled his wheelchair around the van, and Brady sat down in it. Brady felt pretty good about it that, for at least a minute, he looked like an “upright.” Lol!

I’ve been trying to sort a few things out over here, but I’ve come to terms with where I’m at and feel I can share it with you.

My mental health has been suffering a bit recently. Though lots of things are SO much better since Brady’s gotten home, no one is “all better” by any means. I started to see a decline in my mental state a few weeks ago. I’ve been trying to manage it and work my life around things properly in order to stay afloat. But this last week, I made the phone call to my doctor to tell her I was no longer afloat.

Steps back are always hard to take.

I’ve currently bumped my sleep aid so I can start sleeping again while we wait for my antidepressant to catch up over the next month or so. I’m back on nausea medication as well. I’m revisiting what used to work, and started buying those meal replacement drinks again, and eating a couple bites of something small in the morning with it.

Its discouraging. I thought we were past this point, but we are not.

With this, my doctor is encouraging me to seek counselling, which I wholeheartedly agree with and expected. I’ve known this would be necessary for me at some point, but I couldn’t even fathom committing to really anything, or following through with something like that. But its clear my body and brain keep disagreeing, and I might need someone’s professional input to help them get sorted out.

As I had this phone call with Dr. Guselle, I sat on our deck at our beautiful camp spot, and cried, and told her I felt crazy. She was SO soft with me, and reassured me that it is actually kind of amazing that I lasted as long as I have without saying I felt that way. She told me these feelings are SO expected, and SO normal, and that I am in fact NOT crazy. She told me I won’t always feel this way. She reminded me that I was kind of hanging by a thread even before all of this change happened with Brady. My subconscious is holding onto things, and there is just too much. She described to me how I am surviving on a LOT of adrenaline, and then when I try to let down, my adrenaline turns on me, hence the anxiety attacks and panic attacks when I’m trying to be at rest.

I felt understood and validated. I prayerfully took her advice.

Since I started sleeping again, my heartburn has already lifted a little, which is a HUGE relief to me. I am FAR from “fixed” but I can already feel some lift, and some hope. I imagine there is more good to come. But I covet your continued prayers. I know this story centres around Brady and I am a very small part of it, but for those who follow our family, I would very much appreciate your prayers for my health, as well.

It is a long, long road.

We haven’t had a mask-free outing in a LONG time, and today was that beautiful day!! 😍

We. Went. EVERYWHERE.

First I got my legs and warms waxed, and then since we were already that far into Saskatoon, we went all the way to stonebridge for a few more errands!

Value Village got us some sweat shorts, a really good quality pan, and a pair of shoes I can actually wear socks in. My little slip ons are not meant for socks.

Home Depot set us up with a sledge hammer for the lake. I’ll tell you about that more another day.

Walmart had everything. Some tin pans for on the barbecue. Boost drinks. Cereal. Crackers. A whisk for the lake. Pads. Biodegradable shampoo. Soup. Yarn. Always yarn.

Subway for lunch, thanks to gift cards that our compassionate life insurance lady gave us in a care package.

From there, we hit the other Value Village, but didn’t find what we needed. We did, however, find another pair of shoes for Brady.

To M&M Meats for treats for Cher’s upcoming birthday! Again, thanks to gift cards we’ve been given. I told Cher what we chose, and out of the five items, she says she’ll for sure eat at LEAST five of them! 🖐️

Off to Bourbon Barbershop to get Brady’s beard oil replenished. The hospital living made his skin SO dry that he had a ton of flaking out from under his beard. I think we’ve caught up to it now, but he uses this great oil to keep everything flake free and smelling great!

Lastly, we went to URO-Med to FINALLY pick up his own FES machine. FES stands for functional electrical stimulation. Its a machine that basically works out the muscles that he cannot make move on his own. He’s used one during and since rehab, but has had a mess of a time getting one for himself that works! Today, it finally all lined up, and he has it! Thank you, Lord!! To boot, we also got to chat with a couple people who worked at URO-Med and made some good contacts. What a resource!

We grabbed iced coffee and went home.

And now, we are finished, hahaha! Oof! It was a GREAT, EXHAUSTING day that we were SO grateful to to spend together!

But tomorrow – tomorrow we rest.

🥱