National Rainbow Baby Day: Waverly

Today is National Rainbow Baby Day. A day to celebrate the beautiful blessed children that come after the loss of other children. In our case, the loss of two.

I was pregnant three times in 2017. I knew nothing of loss when I lost a baby in January. Theo. What a shock to the system. I didn’t know how I would ever stand up again, much less continue living my regular daily life. Then, losing another in August, Jamin, was completely overwhelming. I was flummoxed. Bewildered. How could I, after SO easily conceiving and delivering four children, completely lose my ability to carry a child to term? Me, who had been told over and over I was made to do this! I carried a load of guilt on my back, wondering what I had done that changed everything so drastically.

We conceived again in October 2017, and I walked on eggshells for the next nine months, truly expecting my baby to die. Our little Bambina, we called her. I was SO sure she wasn’t going to come home after all. I didn’t even feel pessimistic. I felt like I was being realistic and honest. I made the conscious effort to document my pregnancy, to try and enjoy it, and to show myself some real love and grace in that time. I was allowed to be scared, but I had learned that worry added nothing positive to anything. I believe the bible, and in Matthew 6:27, it asks “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” No, we cannot. And we cannot add an hour to anyone else’s life by worrying, either.

Our Bambina did come home, in fact. Waverly Violet was born on July 2nd after a beautiful day spent with Brady, one of our closest friends who photographed the grand event, and our two doctors who we LOVED, and if I can be so bold, who loved us. They stayed five hours after their shifts in order to be the ones there with us. Our birth experience was calm and exciting and jubilant! I love all of our children desperately, and all of their deliveries stand out for different reasons. Waverly’s delivery was victorious! She was FINALLY here, safe and sound. She just lay on me, her arm around my side, like she had been waiting to hold me as long as I had been waiting to hold her.

Its tricky. I would NEVER wish baby/pregnancy loss on anyone. It was a pain unlike any other. A grief unlike any other. I wish no one ever had to experience what I did. I would never ever have chosen for 2017 to go as it did. I have no doubt both Theo and Jamin would have been amazing additions to our family. But. I couldn’t be happier with the baby we did add to our family.

Waverly Violet. Wavy.

Waverly means “quaking aspens.”

Aspens represent facing challenges, and surviving. Overcoming fears and doubts. I had no idea the meaning behind aspens until long after we had named our baby girl. God knew, but I didn’t.

I don’t know why we had to lose our babies. We never found out why they passed away. Not knowing is hard. But, it couldn’t be more clear that this baby – Waverly – was meant to be here at home with us.

I love all of my children the same. But I did anticipate Waverly’s birth in a different way. Some of my innocence was stolen when we lost our babies. Things that were supposed to reassure me along the way were no longer reassuring. Because anything can change at any moment. I survived that pregnancy on faith, because I had nothing else to hold onto that actually mattered!

Looking at Waverly reminds me that God is listening. He hasn’t forgotten us. He knows what we need when.

He knew we needed her.

We needed her peaceful nature, and her calm energy. We needed her cheesy smiles and arm waving dance moves. We needed her mischief and her goofiness. We needed her long hair and her blue eyes. We needed her snuggles and wet fingers. She has added so many beautiful little details to our family. So much love, and so many lessons.

And I’m SO grateful. I cannot imagine my life not knowing her.