Here’s another round of my early thoughts on this pregnancy. I ask again for your understand at some of my “downer” thoughts. They were confusing, difficult days, and it was super hard to figure out my emotions. I don’t anticipate it’ll get a whole lot easier as time goes by, but I’m trying. I felt like these days were important to record, even though I’m posting them after the fact. I want to remember some of these things, even though they aren’t all easy.
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October 30
Remember those mini M&Ms that would come in those cylindrical containers? Brady found one me one floating around the pantry last night for a treat. I needed a snack because I’ve chewed my nails and fingers down so so far, and it was time to focus my attention on something else. Turns out the little container is even better than the candies, because it makes that cute little popping sound when you open it. Its a good toy to keep my hands busy. Now if only my fingertips weren’t on fire and the container didn’t actually hurt to play with…
I found out today my OB moved offices. I had no knowledge of this. Trying to get in touch with her at the new place was difficult. I was on hold forever to super loud hold music, and then the receptionist couldn’t seem to figure out what I wanted. To leave a message! That was all! She insisted I make an appointment, but then chastised me for making one because it was too early in my pregnancy. She wouldn’t listen to my history. When it finally all boiled down, she booked me with a different doctor. 😩 This does not leave me feeling confident.
October 31
I got my blood work done today. Getting a baseline level of hcg. I’ll go back in every three days for a little while to make sure my levels are rising as they’re supposed to. The nurse was awful to me. She made no eye contact and when I tried to speak to her, she just consistently wouldn’t respond. It was weird and off putting. I know I’m not some breakable, fragile, piece of glass, but she did not leave me feeling well cared for or comfortable. Not the best.
I cancelled my upcoming appointment with my OB. That whole debacle trying to get a hold of them and simply leave a message left a bad taste in my mouth :/
We’re going trick or treating tonight with the kids. Its hard to shake off the fact that we’d have a little baby Theo joining our crew of cuties. If things had gone differently, we’d be a group of seven instead of six.
I just booked an ultrasound for next week. Kill me now. I’ve never felt so sick about an ultrasound until this one. Because I know that my dates are off, because I know I didn’t ovulate on the 14th day of my cycle, but being that everything is based off of the first day of my last cycle, I’m “supposed” to see 6 weeks worth of baby in there, and I know there will only be 5, if any :/ And I know thats ok, but its going to be “concerning,” just because. Ugh.
November 1
Its officially no longer “miscarriage and infant loss awareness month.” I don’t know about anyone else but I don’t plan to be any less aware.
Brady had a dream last night that we miscarried this baby. Ugh. Gross.
My skin is such a loser. I am breaking out like there’s no tomorrow, and I have a big ole gross crusty red zit right in the centre of my forehead. In case anyone wants to be able to look at me and know my hormones are raging just based on that.
November 2
Second round of blood work done and done! The nurse was so much better this time. We talked loss and overcoming hard things. I made the mistake of giving her the same arm I used last time. Now it HURTS. I hate having my blood taken but really, take it every day, every hour, I don’t care anymore.
PLEASE DOUBLE!!
Come on, Dr Guselle! I’m itching for answers!!
She called!! My hcg did more than just double, but went from 202 – 575!! What a relief! We had a nice chat about how hcg grows and whether there will be a heartbeat at the early ultrasound I booked. We made a standing plan with that, and decided to give my body the weekend and recheck the hcg on Monday morning. Towards the end of our call, she said “Its going to be so fun to plan out your delivery date and all of those little details.” I made some comment along the long of “I hope so” and she said, once again, that I have done this well four times before, and that she is confident it will happen again! Maybe just lip service, but she’s not that kind of woman. It was a lovely encouragement. I’m so hoping this all goes through ❤️ Stick, baby! STICK!
Mmmmm. Going to bed feels SO much better with these results.
November 3
It definitely feels better to know my hcg numbers were good yesterday. I hope they stay good. I feel super irritable today. Maybe just because its been suggested that I’m irritable today. Folks, don’t say that to people.
I bought the baby a Christmas present. I know, its too early, and it still might die. But I just don’t want to live like that.
November 4
I went to the Christmas marketplace this morning. It made me want to buy little toques for the extra kid I should have.
November 5
I feel car sick and gaggy. I wonder if my baby is alive, or I’m just feeling sick along with the rest of my family.
November 6
Blood work again today. And once again, it more than doubled! We’re at 3375, and the minimum we were looking for was 2300! Decided to go forward with an early ultrasound in two days. But WOW how pregnancy looks different this time. My doctor and I decided, since its so early to have an ultrasound, I’ll go for blood work on Wednesday right before the ultrasound, so even if we don’t see a heartbeat, we’ll have hcg numbers. If they’re still going up at a good pace, we can be more confident that the baby is safe, and just still little. And if there’s a problem, we’ll have our numbers that way too. I don’t think I’ve ever covered my butt this much from myself. Does that make any sense? Protecting myself from myself?
November 7
Dr Guselle had Brady pick up a bundle of papers for me today. It was a blood form good for a years worth of hcg tests, and SIX ultrasound requisitions. She knows I’m going to be there a lot. I’m so glad she understands where I’m coming from.
November 8
I went for another round of blood work this morning, and then straight to an ultrasound. It was SO great to see my favourite tech, and she was so sweet to us, saying she was happy to see our names on the list for the day. While we didn’t see the heartbeat we had SO hoped for, the dates of what she saw lined up better with my suspicions about how far along I am. I know the first day of my last period, which everything is based off of, but I’m pretty confident I ovulated very late, meaning I wouldn’t be as far along as my dates would say. So I was prepared for the possibility. We agreed to leave the internal ultrasound for today, just because of all my losses this year, we’d rather not pose ANY risk to the little baby in there. Better luck next time! We’ll try again next week.
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Hopefully only one more instalment of backlogged thoughts and feelings on my pregnancy after a loss and a loss. Bear with me, friends.