Thank you, friends, for your care and love for our family. We covet your prayers and your help over the coming weeks and months, as we are already feeling quite in need of both. Its been a tricky few weeks already, yet I feel the occasional rush comfort and peace and strong belief that God is in full control. Do I believe we’ll see this out until next summer? Thats iffy, but I want to believe it. I’m working on that. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, quickly go read yesterdays post.)
One of the more difficult things about keeping a pregnancy a secret is that I can’t really talk through how I feel on here. Of course, I have my husband and the small handful of people who know in advance, but something about writing stuff out really helps me clear my head. Remember when I kept these things under my hat for a full trimester??? How did I ever do that?! This time around, I took the time, and I made notes each day (I think) so I could post them after the fact, and you could all know my thoughts in the very beginning, even before we see a heartbeat and have no idea whats to come. I wrote notes through countless amounts of blood work, appointments, symptoms, and everything I was feeling.
With today already being a bit discombobulated, and myself being a bit grouchy and over today a bit too early, I thought it would be fitting to share my first entry from that chunk of ramblings. My thoughts on finding out we’re pregnant.
Please give me some grace as you read.
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October 29
I’ve known I am pregnant for three days. Three. One two three. It seems like a short time, but in those days, I’ve had a LOT of time to think about the position I find myself in. That ever so incredible knocked up position.
My heart is tied up in such a variety of feelings, and I’m not sure its worth the amount of effort it would take to try and sort them out. I’m going to attempt it, but be ready for quite a messy post.
If I’m going to state the obvious, I’m going to throw it into the early chunk of this post. I am pretty freaked out. I am elated!! Thrilled! Delighted! Relieved! Disbelieving! Amazed! Completely beside myself! And in amongst all of that, I’m folded over, limp, just waiting for my baby to die. Ugh. I don’t mean to be morbid, but its almost impossible not to lay that out on the table here. I don’t want fear to win. If you’ve followed me for any amount of time this year, you know I REFUSE to let fear win! But yikes, it would be easy to just let it. I’m hoping that, by addressing my fear openly, honestly, and head on, God will give me that strength that I need to get my head on straight and trust Him with the life of this little baby. Because that baby isn’t mine. None of my babies are “mine.” They are somewhat mine, but ultimately, they are God’s babies! 🎶 He’s got the tiny little baby in his hands 🎶 right? I know this as truth, and I’m clinging pretty desperately to it. But my gosh. It is SO hard not to dwell on the negatives.
Every cramp has me thinking I’m about to miscarry. Every time I’m cold, I pin it to a possible fever, hypothetically leading to an infection. Every bathroom break has me checking for blood. I am aware. Of. Everything. And I’m only three days in. 🙈 This is NOT how I want to feel for the next nine months.
Three days only. My body remembers being pregnant recently. Before I even got a positive test, I was a tiny bit suspicious. I started peeing way more than usual. I was very weepy. My face broke out BAD. I was getting those insane hormone-induced nightmares I’m always graced with when I get pregnant. Soon, though, I quashed those ideas when a symptom or two of an impending period came about. But it never came, and rather, I got those two pink lines on a pee stick, and those silly little signals made sense.
My body knew. I don’t blame it for knowing. It was there so recently, and then so recently before that time, too. I both love and hate that it remembers so well. I sure hope it remembers how to be full term pregnant this time. What am I going to do if we lose a third? All in the same year! Though I guess technically Theo died right over Christmas in 2016, and we just didn’t find out until 2017. That doesn’t really make it better, though…
I’m so so grateful to once again be carrying a baby. I love this child so greatly, which is just so scary. I pondered on a post a while back whether a person could protect their heart without closing it. I still don’t know the answer. My heart is so stinking wide open, and I want it to be open!, but its feet feel shaky and uncertain. (Yes, my heart has feet.) Are my head and heart competing? Will they ever agree on this subject? Will it always be this difficult to convince myself of the truth, or will the two eventually line up and the struggle to trust God with my family not be such a struggle? I honestly don’t know the answer. Don’t worry, I don’t expect you guys to have the answers either.
I’ve been wondering what things will look like this time around. I put a long list of wonderings and questions in this post, and to tell you truth, I have none of the answers. I guess this its time to start figuring some of them out, though I’m hoping much of it will just come naturally. When to tell the kids. When to announce it. How soon I’ll emotionally attach to this baby, and to what extent. If I’ll buy baby things. If I’ll allow myself to plan at all. If I’ll do a blog series following the pregnancy again. I loved doing the last one…
I have no idea how this pregnancy will look. I wish I could just see into the future, and know that my baby will be ok. I think thats what many of us would choose, if given the opportunity. But then who would have faith? No one, thats who! If we always knew what was coming, no one would ever need faith. In the same way, no one can know BIG joy if they’ve never known BIG sorrow.
I’ve sat so long trying to piece this post together in a way that makes sense that my nose is cold. Thats how long I’ve been sitting unmoving, pouring over my laptop. Its time to stop. It felt good to decompress this way, even though I can’t post about it yet. Hopefully soon. So many people have come alongside our family, and built us an immense support system, and I’m just itching to tell them this wonderful news!
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Thats it for today, friends. Once again, a BIG thank you to everyone who reached out and congratulated us, or offered prayers, or both! I used to feel more important the more likes and comments I got, but I strangely prefer this, where just the people that really want to know get to know <3 Our family appreciates you all so much!! Thanks for being part of this with us.