Jerilee came over for a bit today for a goal planning chat. It was SUCH a nice thing to do together! I’m feeling goalish (goulash?) since entering a new decade of life, and she is feeling goalish as her year of work closed off and a new one begun. So its a natural time for all the reflection.
She texted me when she was on her way over and offered to grab me a coffee. Tims or Starbucks? Wherever she was heading already. Starbucks it is! I ordered a vanilla latte, please and thank you.
“Thats a boring drink” she goes.
And she’s totally right! I love the weirder, fancier, sweeter, more complicated drinks. Starbucks is fun for me! I don’t too often order a plain old vanilla latte. That drink always stirs up memories for me.
Its been almost one year since we lost our little Jamin. Being in the hospital had never been as difficult as it was over those two days. Waiting to deliver a baby that I knew I wasn’t going to get to bring home sucked. It was quite a time. Not many people knew we were there, and those who did wanted to badly to help somehow. They didn’t know what to do and neither did we. It was just a bad situation all around. One particular person sent a Starbucks gift card to my phone, saying she knew it wasn’t the “right” thing, but that was all she could think of to do in that moment. It actually was quite perfect. Our baby was born early the next morning, and I was allowed to eat and drink again. After a while, Brady offered to go use that card and get me a coffee. In the moment, as you can imagine, my brain was mush. I couldn’t think of what was on the menu, much less what I liked from there. I stammered out something about a vanilla latte and Brady trucked off to fulfil my request. Pretty sure he was feeling helpless and just needed to do something.
My coffee was obviously far from my priority, but I remember being pleasantly surprised at how yummy it was. It was weirdly cleansing and fresh and just exactly bang on. It was probably the only thing I consumed that day, and while a big cup of coffee doesn’t healthily sustain a person, it worked. It didn’t make me feel sick(er than I already did) or sit like a rock in my stomach. It was just the perfect boring choice.
I was tired today. We all were.
I was cold. Short tempered. No nonsense. Not the best Hailey I’m capable of being. Tell me I’m not the only one who doesn’t rock every single day! And I couldn’t think of any other drink option off the top of my head! So, a vanilla latte it was. And it was yummy! And this somewhat insignificant memory came back to me. And I’m kind of ok with it.
I miss Jamin so much. Its all still so fresh in my memory. Literally down to the coffee I drank that day. I hope that memory never fades. I have no idea how long it’ll be before he and I are reunited. It will be an amazing day!