In a lot of ways, my pregnancy disappeared so quickly, but in others, my body can’t seem to figure out that I am no longer pregnant. You’d think if anyone knew that information, my body should really be at the top of the list. It was the one who was housing my son, and delivered my son, and is now completely without a baby in its womb.
What it is not empty of, however, is pregnancy hormones. I haven’t done any blood work or anything yet, but I know for a fact that I still have hcg in my body. It goes down fairly slowly, in my experience. As in, I would definitely still get a positive response if I took a pregnancy test. So because of these things, my body is still quite determined that its pregnant. And that is terribly frustrating.
Yesterday evening, a delicious supper once again walked through our door right at 5:00, and we enjoyed pulled pork on a bun, probably the best coleslaw I’ve ever had, and even a side dish of macaroni for the kids who might not be completely sold on the pulled pork. A very thoughtful meal. We ate together as a family, and everyone ate lots of everything. I realized halfway through the meal, though, that I had been sitting cross legged. This is not uncommon for me at all. Its just how I prefer to sit. But MY GOODNESS, my legs were in SO much pain! It took less than a second to realize that it was hurting where it always hurts in the way of pregnancy pelvic pain. Basically right between my legs and my pubic bone. So so sore. As soon as I made the connection, I put my legs down straight and changed my posture, but it was too late. I just couldn’t shake that awful sore feeling, that my legs weren’t quite attached where they should be. Because my emotions are wrecked these days, I couldn’t just blow past it and be a little sore. I mentioned to Brady how I was feeling, and while we were talking about it, Dekker got up from his seat at the table. He’s been getting up from the table mid-meal a lot recently, and we’re having to remind him to sit tight until the meal is done, but he came over to my chair and held out his hand. I asked what he needed, and he just put his sneaky face on and wouldn’t tell me. I pressed a little, because at this point, I had no idea if he was wanting something, like another bun or a high five or something else. There was just no way to know. He finally pointed up to our room.
Brady told me to take him up on his offer, so I took Dekker’s hand and he led me up to my room. Once we were inside, he snuck ahead of me and pulled back my blankets. I climbed in and he tucked me in, no word of a lie. He stood beside me and rubbed my hand for a millisecond before giving me a kiss and bolting back downstairs. In that millisecond, I asked him how he got so good at taking care of people. Mid-run from our room, he said “I’m just copying what you do for me!”
So I bawled. Because he’s amazing. I make sure to tell him often enough that he doesn’t have to take care of me. That I’m his mommy and its my job to take care of him, and I’m happy to do it! That he doesn’t have to grow up too fast. But its just in his nature, and I think that’s amazing.
Dekker’s softness was the high point of the evening, as my body went into spasm in the last hour or so that I was awake, and I could barely move my legs. It was so so painful. When will my body realize that I sadly have no more need to carry hcg, and my tendons can start to tighten back up? There are so many reminders floating around our house, and I do want to remember, but feeling physical pain is really the worst way to remember what we’ve so recently been through. I want to remember Jamin because Rowan is SO in love with the teddy that they gave us at the hospital. I want to remember Jamin because all three big kids pray for their little papoose every day. I want to remember Jamin because of our ultrasound pictures on the fridge and our baby pictures on my phone. I want to remember Jamin because my heart loves our little children so so much. But seriously, excruciating pain of the pelvis can take a hike anytime. Also, if my boobs would stop leaking, that would be great, too. Thats been one of the hardest things to ignore. My body should know by now.
It wasn’t my best night, but I slept. I was folding laundry in my room while the kids were eating breakfast, and I overheard Laela and Dekker talking about God. “I love God!” Laela said with conviction. From there, they started singing. Now, I don’t know the song they were singing, whether its a real song or they were just making something up, but Laela finished it off with “Jesus is with meeee…I think.” I’m going to have to try and boost her confidence in that statement, but I love that they are clearly thinking a lot about Jesus these days. Maybe thats the beautiful thing that is going to come from our losses. Our kids will draw closer to God, and dig deeper into what salvation means. I’m definitely praying for that. Feel free to join me.