Its been a weird couple of weeks. I LOVE summer so so much. Yet I’ve been kind of loving the cooler weather, and secretly anticipating fall. I don’t hate fall, but I’ve always been on team “DON’T WISH SUMMER AWAY!!!” I couldn’t quite put together why I was so ready for fall all of a sudden, but I think I know now. My body remembers.
Two years ago today, Jamin was born.
Him passing away brought a HUGE wave of grief into my heart. I had learned about grief earlier in the year with Theo passing. That was a SHOCK to the system. I had never lost a pregnancy that way before. Jamin’s passing was so different, in the way that I actually went to the hospital and delivered him, held him, spent time with him. Seeing him with my own two eyes made it more real. It felt more like a real death, if that makes any sense.
Jamin dying made me ready to see summer go. I needed a new season. We had enjoyed our summer already. We had gone on our lake trip. And now my child has passed away, effectively ruining the end of the season. I was finished. I was READY for fall. Good riddance, summer.
Last summer, I remember feeling the same way, but kind of not talking about it. Because again, I don’t want the warm weather to go! I’m cold SO easily, and I hate being cold. Sometimes I get physically sick just because I’m cold! Cold is NOT my thing. Yet, for some reason, I was ready to see the warmth go and to keep on trucking.
And now, here I am, mid August, SO ready for cooler times. It seems so crazy, knowing me the way I do. But I feel like today, I’ve pieced together why I’m feeling this way.
Its because grief is a strange, difficult, deep emotion that truly changes a person. Losing Jamin didn’t make me hate summer, but I think it gave me a new appreciation for fall, or even just the changing of the seasons.
Funny how losing my boys continues to bring beauty and learning to our lives. I struggled hard after my losses, wanting to know the “why” so badly. Countless times, I said that I knew I’d likely never get to know why they passed, but that I hoped so much that God would use them for something beautiful. And while there’s no big movement coming out of our losses, I do feel like they’ve shaken up my life in a big way. And maybe God can use me differently than He previously could have before I had lost them.
Grief is grief. No one’s grief is exactly the same, but it doesn’t have to be. Once you’ve experienced a new depth of grief, you know what I’m talking about. I hurt for people who grieve, because its such a deep emotion that has NO rhyme or reason. It just shows up on any random day and breaks you down. And at least for me, its a very lonely emotion. Because try as they might, no one gets it. And when people don’t even try to understand – that sticks. I remember, maybe a month after Jamin passed, someone said to me “We’re all kind of surprised you’re still so sad.” I hold no grudges, but I will never forget that.
I still cry for my boys. I will never stop missing them, and wondering about them. We were given a beautiful gift in our Waverly, and I am SO grateful for her. But she replaced no one. She is amazing all on her own. Theo would’ve been amazing, too. So would Jamin.
Happy birth day, Jamin 💙 Thank you for giving me a newfound appreciation for fall. What a great gift. 🍂