The Daily Hailey

I would be twenty weeks pregnant today.

I was going to take a picture in the mirror to show the profile of my empty baby belly, but I just don’t want to.

I feel sad today. And heavy.

I’m trying to just keep rolling, though. Please trust me when I say again that I am not looking to milk the loss of our baby to get attention. I’m just trying to be open and honest about how I feel. And today, I feel sad.

Yesterday and today, we began sorting through the kids clothing. We removed everything that no longer fit, and at least for the younger boys, we dug into tubs to find hand-me-downs for them in the next size up. I’m a bit funny in the way that I love getting all of the new stuff out of storage and getting it all washed up and ready to use, but I tend to drag my feet on putting away the old stuff. Its not even based on nostalgia. I just don’t care for that part of it. Maybe it just feels more like work and less like I’m opening a present. Brady and I tag teamed it this time around, which I really appreciated, because every single kid has sized up, and it was a huge job. Now, the fun part begins of filling all of the “holes” in their wardrobes for the warmer weather. In case you hadn’t put details together, we have one child born in each season. So while there is some carry over from kid to kid, its not exact. Rowan is well stocked with long sleeved shirts in his size, but he doesn’t have much for tshirts. Things like that. He was born in February, and Dekker was born in August. So their seasons just don’t line up. Which I’m ok with, because I do appreciate a good reason to shop without any guilt.

We’re pulling out tshirts and shorts and swimwear, and we’re digging though bins for runners, sandals, and rubber boots. We’re making sure each kid has a good hat, and a spring jacket. Rain gear, too. So much to think about at this stage of the game when everyone is growing. I could buy a rain jacket and wear it for years, but not these kids. All of this digging and sorting has been fun, and has really excited me for the seasons to come. I’m really looking forward to our lake trip we have booked in summer, and I’m sure we’ll end up on the road more than once, on the hunt for family time, sand, sunshine, and ice cream.

And then my heart hurts, because I just ache for my fifth little baby to be along for the ride. I want the little baby legs to hang out of the carrier, with the little sun hat poking out, as we walk down the beach, or through our little lake town, with Brady pushing the double stroller with Solly and Rowan inside, and Dekker and Laela walking just up ahead of us. Its a really nice picture. And it still will be. This I know. But UGH!!! I want my Theo to be there with us, and he will not be. He will be in a far better place, but my selfish heart just hurts to hold him. I want to be daydreaming about the tiny little summer clothes I’d dress him in. About how he’d sleep on me at the beach. About how well he’d fit in with us. But I can’t. I mean, I can, but it hurts pretty badly today.

I am grateful for my life, and I am thankful for every day. It is a good day. It is a productive day. I have everything I need. But I am sad. I want my baby.