If you’re a daily reader of this blog, you know I’ve been apprehensive these days. A lot of my thoughts centre around our little lost babies. So many things point to our miscarriages right now, its kind of astounding. Today is another one of those days.
Today marks one year since we found out our Theo had passed away. One year since I experienced true deep grief for the first time. I have been around death in my life before, of course. Just never my own flesh and blood. Not someone who was going to be a member of MY FAMILY. Not my own child. It was new, and raw, and while I have amaaazing support in my husband, parents, and friends, it was a very lonely place.
Last year on this day, I went in for my routine 12 week ultrasound. I was a few days early, 11.5 weeks ish. We left our appointment confused and hurt when our tech told us nothing, and simply told us our doctor would be expecting us. It was obvious the worst was upon us, but she wouldn’t say. Of all days, our child care had a tight timeline, and we couldn’t just stay in the city longer than anticipated, so I called my doctors office and asked if there would be time for me to run home for my kids before coming to meet my doctor. “What appointment” they asked. “Dr. Guselle isn’t in today. What are you needing?” I was SO frustrated! I burst at her “I’m pretty sure I’ve lost my baby but no one will tell me, and I NEED to speak to my doctor!” She scrambled a bit and apologized to me. It wasn’t her fault. She said I could maybe see another doctor, which I declined, and said I was going home. She understood and said she’d have someone call me.
Going home was awful. Telling my mom the baby was gone. Ugh. It was horrid.
I took a couple of phone calls that day, from a resident and from my doctor, who wasn’t in office but someone obviously got a hold of her for me. She gave me ALL the room I needed, but her professional opinion also when I asked for it. We made an appointment to meet two days later.
I cried a lot in those days, and even at our appointment, I cried. I was so tired. So spent. We agreed to wait another couple of days and if nothing had happened on its own, I’d take some medication and motivate my miscarriage to begin. I hate that it reached that point, but it did. There are a lot of horror stories around Cytotec, but it was gentle on me, and for that, I praise the Lord! It was as physically painless as it could be.
I won’t go into further detail, but this day, one year ago, is where it all started. It was an incredibly difficult kick off to 2017; a year that offered some moments of hope, but continually kicked me in the stomach. But it shouldn’t have been easy to blow past. My child passed away. My child who was going to be born right around my birthday! I was so excited for that. For him. For our little Schnookums. What a life changing day.
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I woke up in dread for the day. My back was already sore, and I was sad. Brady can vouch. I didn’t even want to get out of bed. Brady got up with the kids and I lay in bed, sulking and dozing in and out. Until Brady texted me that Dekker’s first wiggly tooth was more than ready to come out, and of all CRAZY things, Dekker asked Brady to pull it out! If you guys know Dekker, you know this is HUGE. But!!, they did it!! No tears, no blood, no nothing! Thanks be to God that his tiny little bottom tooth was so very ready to come out, Brady did no more than grip it before it popped out. It didn’t even take a pull. And Dekker was SO proud!
(To be clear, this is not his usual bite. He’s just showing off the space 😉 )
His excitement lifted my spirits, at least for a moment 🙂 He was so thrilled, and I was so relieved he wasn’t upset by his tooth coming out. What an exciting milestone to hit on an otherwise bleak day.
Now to figure out how to handle the whole “tooth fairy” thing. It seems she pays some families a lot more than I thought she would! 😬 I worry our tooth fairy will be more stingy than average. She has a lot of people to pay out over here! Whats the going rate for teeth these days?