I’ve been trying to sort a few things out over here, but I’ve come to terms with where I’m at and feel I can share it with you.
My mental health has been suffering a bit recently. Though lots of things are SO much better since Brady’s gotten home, no one is “all better” by any means. I started to see a decline in my mental state a few weeks ago. I’ve been trying to manage it and work my life around things properly in order to stay afloat. But this last week, I made the phone call to my doctor to tell her I was no longer afloat.
Steps back are always hard to take.
I’ve currently bumped my sleep aid so I can start sleeping again while we wait for my antidepressant to catch up over the next month or so. I’m back on nausea medication as well. I’m revisiting what used to work, and started buying those meal replacement drinks again, and eating a couple bites of something small in the morning with it.
Its discouraging. I thought we were past this point, but we are not.
With this, my doctor is encouraging me to seek counselling, which I wholeheartedly agree with and expected. I’ve known this would be necessary for me at some point, but I couldn’t even fathom committing to really anything, or following through with something like that. But its clear my body and brain keep disagreeing, and I might need someone’s professional input to help them get sorted out.
As I had this phone call with Dr. Guselle, I sat on our deck at our beautiful camp spot, and cried, and told her I felt crazy. She was SO soft with me, and reassured me that it is actually kind of amazing that I lasted as long as I have without saying I felt that way. She told me these feelings are SO expected, and SO normal, and that I am in fact NOT crazy. She told me I won’t always feel this way. She reminded me that I was kind of hanging by a thread even before all of this change happened with Brady. My subconscious is holding onto things, and there is just too much. She described to me how I am surviving on a LOT of adrenaline, and then when I try to let down, my adrenaline turns on me, hence the anxiety attacks and panic attacks when I’m trying to be at rest.
I felt understood and validated. I prayerfully took her advice.
Since I started sleeping again, my heartburn has already lifted a little, which is a HUGE relief to me. I am FAR from “fixed” but I can already feel some lift, and some hope. I imagine there is more good to come. But I covet your continued prayers. I know this story centres around Brady and I am a very small part of it, but for those who follow our family, I would very much appreciate your prayers for my health, as well.
It is a long, long road.