Before you even go there, I want to clarify that I’m not going there. This post is not about sex. Not even at all. I want to focus on a completely separate part of trying to conceive. So don’t be afraid to read on.
I want to share a bit of backstory first.
When we decided to try for a baby the very first time, it was all so new and exciting! Being totally ignorant to the process, I bought tons of pregnancy tests and tested as soon as the test said I could maaaybe get a positive result. Six days before my expected period. So I tested for six days and got my period. Even though that was the first month we had ever intentionally tried to conceive, I was very sad that it didn’t work. Its a bit of a mind game, honestly. I told myself “We did the right things at the right time. What could we possibly have done differently?” We were SO fortunate to conceive on the very next cycle, and suffered zero heartache in the process. What did we know.
We decided only a few months after Dekker was born that we wanted to try again. I don’t think too many of you know that. We tried for Laela for over a year. Now I KNOW that people try longer, and I don’t claim to understand that exact feeling, but it was an enormous whirlwind of emotions. From frustration to devastation to confusion to screaming to total and utter indifference. By the end of it, I was completely numb to the process. All the anticipation was gone. All the romance was gone. It was a pretty awful year, if I’m being honest. After about eight months of trying, I quit testing. I couldn’t put myself through the emotional wringer anymore. And then we conceived our little Laela! And life kept moving.
A lot changed in that year we spent trying to conceive Laela. A lot. I changed a lot as a person, and that was probably the point in my life where my anxiety kicked off. It was a very very difficult year. My heart aches for you, my dear friends, who have been trying to conceive for years. I can only imagine how much your life has changed. For that, I am SO sorry. I don’t even know what to say, really.
With our experience trying to conceive Laela, I lost my excitement in the process. While I very much desired more kids, and was happy to be trying to conceive, there was very little positivity or anticipation. I was quite pessimistic. Though I was merely trying to be realistic, and to be prepared, I was just waiting to be shot down. It wasn’t a fun way to live. We conceived Rowan, and Solly, and Theo.
As you know, we lost Theo in my first trimester. We then waited a couple of cycles for my body and our hearts to do some healing, and felt ready to try and conceive again once the cycles has passed. But as you can assume, I was a downer. I was negative and not very hopeful. Even more so this time, having just lost a baby. What if some freak thing had happened, and I couldn’t conceive again? What if we had another year of struggle? What about all of the time we lost?!
With all of this in mind, I did something a bit crazy. Crazy for me, anyway. I decided to risk the emotional rollercoaster, and open myself back up to the innocence of a first time TTC-er. I bought a ton of tests and tested early in the month. I let myself think every little feeling was a symptom, and to work myself up about maaaybe being pregnant. And then, when I’d get my period, I would get hit hard. Because I had anticipated and gotten excited and treated myself like I was already pregnant. I let myself get attached to the idea each month, and in all honesty, it hurt so badly on the months where it didn’t happen for us.
BUT! It did happen. And when it did, I felt more excited than I had when I had conceived the last time. I cried, and squealed, and took pictures of my test as it got darker and darker and darker. I took more tests to back it up. I did all of the things I did when I was new and naive and completely unaware of the heartache of how hard it can be to try to conceive. It felt amazing.
I hate to always have to have a disclaimer, but as always, I am NOT suggesting everyone do what I did. I very much understand the need to protect your own heart and try to forget about things and let life keep moving. But I had done enough of that. This change was GOOD for me! I’m SO glad I opened myself back up to the risk of being hurt, because the excitement I felt from taking that risk was completely worth the hard fall I took on the months that we didn’t conceive.
This all being said, I found a couple of fun resources along the way that are completely new to me, and I thought they would be fun to share for those of you who are trying to conceive!
The first one is an app called Pregnancy Test Checker. Now I’m not sure why or how, but I got this app so recently and it was free, but now it costs :/ But its a cheapie. Anyway, it is SO good for those of us who take pictures of pregnancy tests and want to invert the colors, lighten or darker, etc. I don’t know how to mess around with my iPhoto settings to make it happen, but this app does it with the click of a button, so to speak. I loved it!! If you’re actively TTC or are taking regular pregnancy tests, I’d recommend it!
The second resource I found that makes testing fun is a website called Countdown to Pregnancy. I know, there are SO MANY websites that you can sign up, and I don’t really like making different accounts all over the place. However, this site has a pregnancy test gallery where people post pictures of their tests, and other members can weigh in with their opinions of the result. When I found that, I was just thrilled. Not because their opinions had any science behind them, but because I wasn’t the only person wishing to have other people’s guesses without telling everyone that they’re trying to conceive! It was a really fun resource for me.
I feel like this is a strange post, but I’ve been feeling like its important for me to write. I wanted to put some excitement and joy back into trying to conceive, and at least for me, it worked. I hope I made sense. I hope I didn’t say anything wrong. I hope you check out the app and site, if they’re at all relevant to you.
And I hope you have a lovely, albeit windy Wednesday afternoon.