Last year, at this time, we were in SUCH a different boat.
Last year, I had just experienced losing my baby at 16.5 weeks.
Last year, I had just met my OB for the first time. I had gotten an amazing amount of blood work done, and was waiting for results.
Last year, I was having ultrasounds to make sure every sign of Jamin was out of my body. I was struggling pretty hard with that, “wanting” him out of me, when I so desperately wanted him to still be growing away in my womb.
Specifically, last year, on this day, I was having my official “let’s figure this out” ultrasound. My tech looked for polyps, cysts, whatever else in there. She checked my uterus, my ovaries, my cervix, all the good business in there.
I remember being somehow relieved that my ultrasound wasn’t one of those “looking for any signs of life” ultrasounds. This one felt like an easy one. A boring one.
I remember hoping that she’d find something. Hoping that my blood work would reveal some issue that we could focus on. Some answer.
I remember that she focused on one place for a while, and I was SO sure she had found something, but that was later discounted by both my doctor and my OB.
I remember being so discouraged that my body appeared healthy.
What a backwards time!!! My gosh! Grief does crazy things!!
I’ve been feeling pretty scattered these days. A bit lost in my own head. I’m trying to give myself grace, because looking back over the last year and a half has been so new and so overwhelming. I feel together most days, but some days I’m still reeling and uncertain. Turning 30 this summer didn’t help, and while I know so many of you have told me that 30 is the new 20, I’m just not feeling that way. Maybe it’ll come after some of this self reflecting either wears off or sorts itself out. I’m just not sure what to do with myself these days! Which goals to work towards first. What to prioritize and what to let slide. How to be a better friend when I feel like a jerk, and how to reach out to people in spite of that.
I’m not making any sense. But remembering where I was one year ago helps me feel a bit more “normal” in my lostness. I have so much to be thankful for, but maybe that doesn’t have to cancel out the hardships and struggles. Hmmm… always mulling…