The Daily Hailey

This morning, over breakfast, Dekker started talking about what we should name this baby. His favorite topic when it comes to baby talk. It never goes too far, though. Since he doesn’t know a ton of different names, he doesn’t have a lot of suggestions to offer.

Except today, he threw one out there. “How about Beaver,” he said. “Isn’t that a beautiful name?”

I had a good laugh to myself (and also to a number of people who I texted it to) but eventually, I told him that I simply loved that he was clearly thinking about names a lot, and that I was happy he was making suggestions. Keep them coming, bud, because we are most definitely not naming the baby “Beaver.”

It reminded me of the last time we tried to name a baby. It was in the three-ish weeks after we told the kids about Theo, but before we knew he wasn’t coming to stay. I was sitting in the living room, reading through literally every single name in a baby book, throwing out anything I even remotely liked, hadn’t heard before, or thought was worth a laugh. Brady was in the kitchen, pulling out some chicken for supper. The kids were running around us, playing in the living room and coloring in the dining room. It was a relaxed afternoon. The conversation went on for quite a while, until finally Dekker politely interrupted it to ask why Brady and I were naming the chicken. We had a HUGE laugh, and explained to him that we were trying to come up with a name for the baby in my tummy. That seemed to make a lot more sense to him, and he went back to coloring. But seriously 😂 How confusing must that have been for him?

We settled on Theo’s name after we lost him. I struggled hard with knowing what to call him, since we had no top contender boys name at all yet, and nothing had naturally come to mind. We finally settled on Theo. “God’s gift.” He really was. I wish Theo could have stayed with us and joined our family in a more tangible way. But I am thankful that he was with us as long as he was. I learned a lot from suffering through our miscarriage, and the loss we suffered. I learned that grief and peace can be in the same place together. I also learned more about how I want my family to look and grow. Many of my perspectives have changed, and for that, I’m so thankful I had the chance to carry Theo when I did, even though he didn’t end up being able to stay. Better to have loved and lost, right?

It has been good to think about him today. I don’t anticipate I’ll ever just feel ok about losing him, but healing continues. To God be the glory, always!