I feel like I’m in a strange stage of life. I’m SO thrilled with my life; being a wife and a mother. I can’t wait to keep growing my family and continuing on that journey, however it looks. I deeply desire more kids, which isn’t a secret. I do feel fulfilled. Don’t get me wrong. But I am in search mode. Roaming. I’m not entirely sure what for.
I have a lot of ideas in my head, and I don’t expect to be able to make a clear post about them, especially when I don’t know how to organize them myself, so I’m not even going to try. But I am desiring something else. Something about reaching out, and having my own ministry of sorts. I want to reach out to people, or at least to have people KNOW that they can come to me. I WANT to talk to you guys, and hear from me. Which leads me to this post.
About two months ago, I shared with you guys about our miscarriage. That very day, and in the days and weeks that followed, an amazing amount of people came forward both publicly and privately, and shared that they too had suffered a loss, or lots of losses, or were struggling through infertility, or loneliness, or grief. I want you all to know that I haven’t forgotten you and the stories you shared. I actually look back to that post, and read the comments over. I read back over the private messages I received. And I wonder about you guys.
I wonder if speaking about these things made you feel better or stirred up old pain, making it worse. My biggest ache is for those of you who lost the last baby you had conceived. I wonder how you are. Have you conceived again? Are you grieving so hard that you can’t even think about that? Have you not been able to conceive since your loss? How is your heart? Are you dealing on these things, or closing up?
I know that no one’s pain in the same, and I don’t claim to understand how each of you felt in your time of loss and grief. While we were greatly supported through our miscarriage, we had a small amount of people subtly suggest that our loss wasn’t as sad because we already have kids. I don’t think those people meant anything rude by that, and we didn’t take offence. I understand that our pain is different than other people’s pain. But it was still very real, and continues to be. We miss our Theo so so much.
Losing a baby is HARD, whether it happens the day you find out, or a month later, or at the very very end. Different levels of pain, but they’re all real. Trying to conceive is HARD, whether its one month with negative tests, or several years. (You may think we can’t speak to this, but we actually can.) To ache and long for a baby, and to treat your body like its pregnant, and to watch so closely for symptoms that they appear, only to be unsuccessful over and over again. Its exhausting, and painful. Its HARD.
I’m not sure what I’m trying to say. I don’t want to be nosey, but for those of you who reached out to me, I’d be thrilled if you would again 🙂 I want you to you I’d love to chat with you, and that you have a safe place here. All of you mamas (in heart or in body) are so heavy on my heart these days. I hope you’re ok. Whether you are or aren’t, I hope we can talk soon. 💜