Today, my emotions seemed to think it was a good day for crying. You know how its so easy to worry about things that are 1. completely out of your control, and 2. are waaay off in the distant future? I have spent chunks of my life wishing time away, or dreading the future, and since having my kids, I make a very conscious effort NOT to think those ways. Because its a huge waste of time and just puts me in a bad spot, in turn putting my family in a bad spot. But today, my brain went crazy and I went somewhere that I’m dreading.
Don’t laugh ok?
Next February, the 11th, to be exact, is the one year anniversary of Dekker’s eye surgery. In a sick twist of fate, that is also the day we will find out if Laela needs glasses. I know that we’ve done glasses before, and I know that its certainly not a death sentence, and I KNOW that little kids in glasses are sooo cute! But I don’t want that to happen 🙁 I know Laela’s eye are still developing, and they still have lots of time to do so before that appointment, but I know that at her first appointment, they weren’t where they should have been, and if they’re not where they should be in February, she will have to wear glasses. Not only that, but that day will be a big memory of Dekker’s surgery. Yes, it was a very successful surgery, and I’m completely happy we went through with it. But if I can be honest, in my mind and heart, the fear and anxiety that went on inside of me the day of Dekker’s surgery is on the same level as that of Laela’s delivery. They were both incredibly difficult and uncertain and flat out SCARY days for me. It breaks my heart to say it, but I HATED both of those days. I still wrestle with them.
I know I sound crazy. Maybe I am. But I found myself really dwelling on that bloody date today. I tried to bring myself out of it, and focus on positives instead. I’m pregnant! I couldn’t be happier about that!! I adore my kids, and the world definitely needs more of them 🙂 And then of course, that threw me into fits of tears over how blessed I feel to be able to deliver and care for these children, and how undeserving we are to have them. Its really true. Through thick and thin, they are the very best kids. (Its ok, parents. We are all allowed to feel that way about our kids 🙂 )
So, as if it needs saying, today was incredibly emotionally charged. I was so happy to have a sane presence in the house when Brady got home. I felt bad texting him as he drove home, saying I was feeling emotional and needed company. It certainly isn’t the first time I’ve sent a text like that. Luckily, that usually means I’m grumpy, but today, it just meant I needed someone else at home to make things feel a bit more normal. Challenge accepted! He normalized our house right up, and even put the kids to bed while I made a quick trip to my parents to pick something up for tomorrow.
And guess what. I didn’t even cry in my car!!!!! I’m not sure that qualifies as making today successful, but it counts for a little something anyway. I hope you all felt less crazy than I did today!
We all do it. Today I had a big cry too. So tired and now I am basically confined to my basement except for one trip upstairs per day – doctor’s orders. Trying to get comfortable with broken foot and fussy uncomfortable, third trimester baby – and barely being able to go to the bathroom by myself ?! But, I too found the silver lining – I barely have any pain and have not had to take pain killers since the break happened. We are all truly blessed, even when our bodies and minds are having a hard time getting there. But what about our husbands, eh? We have awesome husbands!! We can rely on them when we feel we have, or maybe truly don’t, have anything else to give. We are truly blessed.
Aw, I’m sorry you had a weepy day too. I’m pretty confident you have a better reason than I do! But you’re so right that our husbands are incredible! I’m not sure how id do some of these life things alone.