Some reminiscing this morning got me thinking about the vibe I was feeling last Christmas. I remember how was such a hard season for me. I was so grateful to be pregnant, and at the same time SO scared that it would all end in shambles again, for the third time in a row. I looked back on the blog and last year, on December 27th, was my very first prenatal appointment for Waverly. Dr. Guselle wasn’t originally booked in between Christmas and New Years, but had figured she should come into the office at least once, so she booked me on her one day in there, so we could listen to the heartbeat together, and I could have some semblance of reassurance during the holidays.
A friend asked me the other day how I survived a Christmas in grief. I told her that I just survived. I let myself be sad, and scared, and kind of simply went through the motions. It hadn’t really felt like Christmas. In reading back, I see my efforts to stay positive and hopeful, and I was reminding myself not to look too far ahead, and to be thankful for each day that I carried that precious baby in my womb. I was trying to be SO brave, but it was all a facade. I was freaked.
As you likely know if you’ve been here for any length of time, that beautiful baby carried through and has been home with us now for almost SIX MONTHS!!!
The feelings from last Christmas – the fears I carried – are still present in me to a degree. I’m imperfect, thats for sure, and its hard to let go of all the fear and pain. Christmas is stereotypically this light hearted, happy time for people, but I wonder what the percentage of the world would be of people who actually struggle way harder during this season. Grief is thicker at Christmas, I can speak for that, as can some of my closest friends.
Whether they’re folded over in pain and suffering, or joyfully celebrating and free of worries, don’t forget about your people, and your people’s people.
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Jamin and Theo, WOW how I miss you these days. I haven’t forgotten you, and wish I could know how either of you would’ve added to our family dynamic. Your siblings have been mentioning you here and there, too. You have stockings on our tree this year 🙂 Its fun here, but I know its better there. Enjoy your party!! We’ll catch you boys later.