I don’t want to beat a dead horse here. Its not really a secret that my birthday was a weird, hard time for me last summer. I wasn’t exactly looking forward to it, but everyone kept telling me it was so great, and how so little changed, and aaaaall the positive perspectives. And they were right, that life kept on moving, and I was really just another day older, and another and another.
However, as a person naturally does from time to time, I reflected on the past decade of my life. And I struggled really hard after that.
WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS?!?!?!
I talked to a handful of people I love and trust about these feelings, and was reassured over and over that my years have been FULL. And in some ways, I’ve accomplished a lot in them! Clearly, I have five beautiful children! That alone is a full ten years, especially considering I’ve only been having kids for seven out of the ten years.
So I rabbit trailed from that thought, and felt like an IDIOT for feeling like I haven’t done anything with my life. Was I that ungrateful?! Was I that entitled?! I can’t be that awful!! How is that not enough for me??
For a few months after my birthday, I discovered I felt quite worthless. It wasn’t anyone’s fault except my own, but I felt SO unimportant. I pity partied a lot, and my loved ones never fell away from me, even though I was needy and hurting and super annoying. I have amazing people, as I so often say. There have been a few people in my recent past who have gone from my friends to strangers in a matter of minutes. Some were from misunderstandings. Some were from a general clash of personalities. Some, I couldn’t tell you why. They just disappeared. Thats caused me to question all kinds of things. How am I such an easy person to drop? Was I really that “nothing” to those people? But those people have made room for excellent people to come into my life and remind me what true friendship looks like. For that I am SO grateful.
I’ve been thirty for six months now, so some of the shock has worn off, and while I don’t feel like I’m in the thick of an identity crisis anymore, I can tell I definitely was in one, and I’m still coming back from it. Some of you have probably been reading this and thinking I’m all mixed up. I was, but I’m less mixed up now, I promise. I came up with a few conclusions.
Conclusion number one is that I am SO grateful for the children I have! I think the reason I struggle to see them as “accomplishments” is because they’re gifts! They’re my family! They’re what I’ve always wanted, so to have that feels like an enormous gift I’ve been given, not something I’ve in some way worked for or “earned.” People have told me lots that I deserved Waverly after all of our sorrows the year before. But no one “deserves” children, or anything else, really. Thats just my opinion, but I’m confident in it for me and my family.
Conclusion number two is that ambition can take on all different forms. Some people go to university for 10+ years and live their dream doing what they love! I’m living my dream, also doing what I love, but I didn’t go to school for it. Having children and raising them with a deeper, stronger love than I knew existed is an enormous responsibility, and I’d say it requires serious ambition. And its ambition I have! Ambition can wear sweat pants and a messy bun and still get a ton done! It can still love and guide its children in a super powerful way! It can still praise and worship Jesus and share with the world the good news! It just might look different than traditional ambition the way you think of it, or the way I’ve thought of it.
Conclusion number three is the most important one. You’re probably all thinking it. ITS NOT ABOUT WHAT YOU’VE DONE BUT ABOUT WHO YOU ARE. I think this is truly where my struggle was rooted sixish months ago. I didn’t stop loving myself, but I forgot why I did. I knew my titles – wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. I knew I was decently ok at some of those, and hopefully pretty great at a few. But I wanted to make sure I felt good with myself, body and soul. Like, the bones, haha! People can look at an old beater house and say “but the bones are good” and you know its structurally sound. I didn’t remember if my bones were good or not.
Guys. I think they are. They’re not perfect, obviously, but not even the newest of bones are without flaws and in need of occasional repair, am I right?
This brings me to my “resolution” for this year. You guys know I keep these suckers super vague every year, and this year is no different. In fact, I’d say its more vague than usual. My word of the year is “searching.” All those things that we all know we should do but don’t wanna do – I’m going to start doing those things. Super low pressure, though. None of this business of trying to do something every single day. Its just not feasible. The goal is to keep the “bones” strong. That means making better food choices, better financial choices, being active more often, going to church more often, getting involved in things that take extra work without making excuses. It won’t be everything, and it won’t be always, but this girl needs to remember what is actually important, and nurture those things. Please, friends, stand by me as I try. Its not going to perfect, but the longing is there. I’m in constant search mode.
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I wrote things from an emotional place, and I’m not going to re-read and nitpick over it for fear that I’ll mess it up further, or just chicken out from posting it altogether. So if I’ve worded anything wrong, please take it with a grain of salt and know my motives are pure and honest.