Today is the day. August 7th, 2017. My due date for my baby that left our family far too early. With my history being what it is, I would have for sure had him by now. He’d have been home for a handful of days at least. But instead, he’s in Heaven. Which is better, I know, but feels much sadder for my still ultra-broken mama heart. Yikes, how I have longed for that little one.
I went for a walk this morning to pick up some breakfast for my crew. Its quite cool out, and very grey. Apparently it rained last night, so the ground was very wet, and the wind was crisp. I took a longer route to the bakery and let myself sink into my grief a little. Not in an unhealthy way, I don’t think. I let myself feel really really sad. I didn’t have to explain myself to anyone, and I didn’t have to excuse my feelings. I didn’t have to say that I know I have amazing kids, and that I’m thrilled to be pregnant once again, and that I know that my baby boy is safe and perfect and I’ll see him one day. I could just be sad because I WANT HIM, and I’m sad that he’s gone.
I’ve said a couple of times on here recently that I have started to see him separately from this pregnancy, and I haven’t known how to really expand on that. It gets complicated in my heart, because I desire him so badly, but I also very much desire this baby in my womb right now, and I know that I can’t have them both. But both people would be amaaazing people. I’m so glad the decision wasn’t mine.
Because of my miscarriage, this whole pregnancy has felt worlds apart different, in both good and bad ways. Sometimes, my anxiety is just so dang high as I wait to miscarry again. And then other days, I’m more excited than I’ve ever been to be pregnant, because I feel as though I’ve been pregnant forever and am just so so ready to meet our baby, finally. Yes, I know its a different baby than I was originally anticipating, but the ache to hold a little person in my arms and welcome them into our loving home is very real. While I have spent time being angry at my body for not successfully keeping my baby alive and safe, I am also incredibly thankful for all that is has done for me, and all of the little babies it has successfully housed for me.
God has taken care of me and my family. Period. That is what this boils down to for me. I don’t know how I could get through these kinds of things without a faith in God. Where else can a person fall?
Theo, I miss you so dearly. I would so love to have you here with us, but I know you are cared for and loved exactly where you are. You have taught me a new kind of love, and changed my whole view on family. I knew you for such a short time but WOW are you an important part of my life. I am so so thankful you came along when you did. I hope to tell you these things one day, but in the meantime, I hope you already know them. ❤️
Lord, please help bring some color into my otherwise grey day.
So sad with you today, Hailey! He was and is very special and loved by a wonderful family! What a glorious day that will be!!!👼💓
He’s really given me a new view on Heaven, honestly. I have a different kind of anticipation now 🙂
You have prettt much captured what I was feeling when I got pregnant with my Theo. we got pregnant very quickly after we miscarried so their due dates were about a month apart. That was hard.
I am continuing to pray for you in your grief and in your excitement 🙂 May God grant your spirit peace.
Thank you for understanding, Deanne. There is just nothing easy about it, and its hard not to picture what life could’ve been, or would’ve been. No one should have to experience losing a baby, no matter how early or how late.
Thank you for praying for me and my family. I can feel it. Peace has been coming, and I’m holding on tightly! What else do we have?