The Daily Hailey

Saturday:

Step 1: Display a sense of authority by turning on a brand new Netflix movie at 10am, called “Dog On Trouble” and commanding the children to enjoy it.

Step 2: Deliver highly nutritious snacks to the minors so they can taste your toughness. 

Step 3: Spend HOURS cooking and baking lunch from scratch so they know you’re capable of anything. 

Step 4: Work the oldest girl to the bone during naptime. Cinderella isn’t a myth. 

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Step 5: After naptime is over, teach the children tough lessons about basketball through a dry documentary called “Space Jam.”

Step 6: Leave them out in a dangerous storm.

Step 7: Cook a healthy meal so they don’t enjoy life too much. They must learn that disappointment is a major part of growing up.

Step 8: Science Saturday never ended. Time to learn about why pollination is an essential part of life on earth. I like to use “Bee Movie” to explain these necessary values. 

Step 9: Crush their spirits by making them clean up the toys they played with in between visual lectures. 

Step 10: Toss them in a room with the lights off for hours. 

Step 11: Keep the oldest girl up to organize papers until she is too tired to “even.” 

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Sunday: 

Step 1: Send the children downstairs shortly after breakfast. It’s cold down there. 

Step 2: Visit with their grandma until lunch time while conducting an extreme plan to feed them food that was grown outside, followed by more food that makes them healthy. 

Step 3: In the afternoon, drag the children outside to a place full of water and rocks and caution signs. Feed them horrifying snacks.

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Step 5: On the way back, welcome the oldest boy back home from a weekend away by requiring him to bathe before supper.

Step 6: While the grandmother cooks perogies and sausage for dinner, command obedience while aggressively playing the Hamilton soundtrack. 

Step 7: Abandon the children after supper to go have a fire with someone else, leaving them with someone who loves them dearly. That oughta teach them.