Rowan turns two today. He has cried a lot of tears today already, and I am right there with him. I find myself very focused, and in survival mode, when we’re all this sick for this long. Today, however, on SUCH a special day as my sons birthday, I’m having my big sad tearful breakdown.
My AMAZING Rowan Toby is two. He was sick on his first birthday, and now he is on his second. I found him playfully chatting away in his crib this morning, once again, covered head to toe and pillow to sheet in barf. He was so patient with me as I carefully undressed him, not wanting to get any of the more recent, wetter stuff in his hair. What was already in his hair was crusted over. He also had a very nasty, sick diaper on. It was all contained, thank goodness, but seriously, its like the outside of it was grey. He seemed to feel way better once he was in a fresh diaper and clean jammies. For the time being, I just threw his hair into a ponytail. That way, he could come out and be with us, and have a bath later in the morning.
He ate some breakfast, but didn’t watch much, and I didn’t push. His morning of play started well enough, and he enjoyed some birthday greetings and songs, but he started to break down before long. And Rowan breaks down pretty loudly, if you haven’t witnessed it before. He cried and screamed, and could not be pacified for probably about 40 ish minutes. He needed his bed. But here’s the thing. His bedding was in the laundry. Sure, I have lots of different sheets and pillowcases I could swap out, BUT his pillow and stuffed toy were in the washer. My only extra pillows are really puffy, too puffy for a toddler neck. And his stuffed toy (his foxy) is a new development since we took his comfort chewing blanket away (More on that in another post soon, by the way) and I couldn’t bear to try to put him to bed without it already. I knew he would freak, honestly. So I held off putting him to bed, but I bawled right along with him.
I’m having to face that fact that my “strong mom” facade is wearing thin, and I am just flat out discouraged. I can’t believe that Rowan’s birthday is overshadowed with illness again, and that our entire school “break” has been spent with at least one child barfing and or pooping all over themselves every day. Everyone in our house has a dreadful case of cabin fever, but there is no possible way we can actually take them anywhere, because of their additional dreadful case of whatever the heck we have here! I want to do something special with Rowan, but we can’t go anywhere or eat anything beyond plain noodles and toast. What’s celebratory about that??
I was relieved when I checked the laundry and Rowan’s pillow and foxy were dry (enough) for him to use them in bed. Rowan had been up for only about two hours, and when I carried his pillow and foxy up the stairs and he saw me, he got way louder, WAY sadder, and raced me to his room. He stood beside his crib as I threw a new sheet on it and a new case on his pillow. When that was done, I looked down at him. He had a train in each hand, which he held up and said “Here y’go!” I took them and set them on his dresser. He held his arms up and cried “Up pleeeeease!” I scooped him up and he practically dove into his crib. He shuddered and shrucked as I covered him up and tucked him in. I asked if he was ok, and he said yes. “Happy birthday, Rowan. I love you.” He was already in another world.
While I’m very sad that Rowan is so sick on his birthday again, I am warmed by the memory of his birth, and the thrill it was to bring him home and add him to our family. Rowan’s birth brought some serious healing to my fearful mama heart. He instantly became the perfect third kid, who slept beautifully long stretches, wanted for very little, and loved his siblings. Two years later, he is still wonderful. He is bright and comprehensive, and loves to learn from his siblings. He loves to help, and do whatever everyone else is doing, whether it be unpacking the dishwasher, counting, singing, riding bikes, reading stories, doing laundry, etc. He finds the part of it that he can do, and gets right in there! He is fabulous for snuggling. He loves to give kisses with those big squishy lips. Sometimes, he’ll catch your eye across a room, bellow “HUG!,” raise his arms up, and just run at you for one. Its truly the best. Rowan loves to pray to Jesus at bedtime, and sometimes even asks to pray at meals. He is a wonderful boy, and he continues to develop and change and grow, even through all of this sickness. God has not forgotten Rowan, and he will no forget Rowan. And we have NOT forgotten Rowan!
I love you desperately, my Rowan Toby. I’m sorry you’re feeling so sick today, but I hope we can really celebrate soon!!