You may or may not know, but I’ve spent the last few months trying to sort out my medications. In late September, I started a new antidepressant in hopes that it would basically solve all of my problems. Haha! That sounds like an exaggeration, but it kind of isn’t, actually.
What I was on originally – sertraline – was not doing enough for me. I was still having regular anxiety attacks. I had horrible heartburn, and I couldn’t stomach more than a couple of bites of food at a meal. I was throwing up in the nights. I wasn’t sleeping. I. Was not. Well. Period.
Thus began the process of weening off Sertraline and starting something new. Mirtazapine, for those who want to know. It is a far lesser known antidepressant, categorized as an atypical treatment for depression complicated by anxiety and/or insomnia. It is most commonly prescribed to old, frail people who barely eat who are deeply depressed. Well, this year has aged me greatly so that all lines up! Hahaha!
Mirtazapine is also an anomaly in the way of doseage. The lower your dose, the drowsier you are. Backwards, right? So going up in your dosage means you are less drowsy. Its a little bonkers, I know.
I have settled into this new medication beautifully. I’ve been able to start getting fully off of Sertraline. I don’t take nausea medication at all anymore, which is HUGE. I haven’t had heartburn in weeks. I’ve gained about ten pounds, which I am actually incredibly grateful for! I sleep! The one issue I’m having is that I am beyond incoherent in the mornings. Sometimes I sleep through the entire time with the kids and leave Brady hanging on his own. I thought my body would familiarize and eventually do better in the mornings, but it hasn’t. So just a couple of days ago, I spoke to Dr. Guselle about this.
And she loved and approved my plan!
I was taking half of the lowest dose of mertazapine available. I asked to move up to the full pill, which is still a very low dose. Remember, moving UP in the dose will make me LESS tired. We agreed that messing with two medications at once wasn’t smart, so we decided I would pause any changes with Sertraline until I was settled into my new dose of mertazapine. (I’m sorry, I know this is a lot to keep organized in the brain, trust me 🙃) Dr. Guselle did tell me, however, that I should notice a change in my drowsiness very quickly. For sure by a week, she said. I was thrilled that it wasn’t another 4-6 week timeline I was looking at. We had a really encouraging phone call, and I feel incredibly hopeful that I could be off of sertraline by the end of the year, and my heartburn meds early in January. To clarify, I could go off of those anytime, but I’m being SO gentle on my body, and going off of things slowly and carefully, so I don’t suffer any more than I absolutely have to. I hope that makes sense.
I take my mertazapine before bed. I took my first full pill dose the evening of my phone call with Dr. Guselle. No change, which made complete sense. I was still a zombie in the morning.
I took my second full dose last night. This morning, I woke up tired, and then got up.
Right.
Up.
Guys, I wasn’t a zombie this morning!!!!
I could’ve cried. This is a gigantic change. And please believe me when I say this is not something that just changed because my attitude did. This is not something I can blow past. I would lay in bed and sleep through everything, but if I did wake up, I would know I needed to get up, but physically be unable to move, and as a result of that, I would be more anxious. It was awful.
I am SO relieved.
Thank you, Lord, for preparing my heart for these things, and these changes. For opening me up to my needs for outside help, and for directing my doctor to think of uncommon options. This feels like a choice I couldn’t have made without faith in You!