The Daily Hailey

I haven’t been secretive about the fact that I take an antidepressant. It started for pain a couple of years ago and I’ve gone up on it since Brady’s ordeal began. On top of that, I’ve been managing my heartburn, just barely, with two pantaloc, a zantac, and zofran every morning to keep me from barfing/gagging on my reflux. Its a lot of pills. Plus I take something to help me sleep.

Too. Many. Pills.
You don’t have to tell me. I already know. I hate it, too.

My doctor and I had bumped my antidepressant in hopes that my overall mental health and wellbeing would improve, and in turn, eradicate my heartburn and other side effects from my anxiety.

The short version – it did not.
I still don’t sleep.
I still have mad heartburn.
I’m losing weight again.

So I went to see Dr. Guselle yesterday, and she was SO warm. Encouraging. Validating. Understanding. We talked about aaaaall the fun things I have to worry about, and she was incredibly gracious in saying that I had every reason to have these concerns, and that the reactions my body was having are out of my control. We discussed my anxiety attacks and how they look, what I do to combat them, etc. She was happy with all the routes I was taking, and the way I care for myself in the midst of them.

We did talk about food, and how I’m having a real problem eating. How I’m trying to eat and its just not happening. Even food that I truly enjoy just sits in front of me. Always having been a small person, I’ve always had to defend my actions and my size, and she stopped me in my tracks, saying she completely believed I am not looking to be small for status, and that she can see how much I wish it to be different.

She went on to suggest something new. She said she wondered why she didn’t think of it before, but its probably because its a medication that is most often saved for the little old ladies on a diet of tea and toast. It is an antidepressant that is marketed to really help with sleep, and gut health (both of which I really need) but its “adverse” side effect is some weight gain. We both believe that some weight gain will only make my body happier, therefore helping my digestive system work better, relieving some of my heartburn and acid reflux. Plus sleep. Plus less anxiety. It would be a WHOLE win!

One pill could treat all the stuff, and eliminate the other pills. It would be SUCH a relief!

So now we wait, and try not to be insanely anxious while I change meds and mess up my hormones a little in the process. Please say a prayer. I’m ready for betterment.