The Daily Hailey

Yesterday was an odd day. Memories floated around in my mind all day, though I didn’t talk about them too much. I waffled constantly between feeling a great heaviness, and feeling peace. I’ve come to terms with the fact that things will never look or feel quite “right,” because regardless of how hard I try or how long I wrack my brain over the details, people are just not supposed to lose babies. No matter where Jamin’s ashes are, or how his few little things are displayed, it won’t matter, because he’s not here with us. And thats just life. I can have some peace about his life in heaven, but the little details here will never feel fully ironed out. And maybe thats ok.

After yesterday’s post, I figured I should address another “frequently asked question,” if I can flatter myself enough to suggest that people actually want to know, haha! Do we want more kids? That is the question.

Short answer?

Yes.

We absolutely hope very much for more kids. Its a funny thing to explain. My views have changed SO MUCH since losing our boys last year, but I don’t know how to express it all smoothly. Bear with me for the long answer.

Simply put, we want all of the babies that are supposed to be ours, however that looks. Our hearts and arms are wide open. Are we just going to keep pumping out kids until we can’t anymore? Nope. Not doing that. Our decision on whether or not to have another baby has always been discussed and prayed over. We haven’t just thrown caution to the wind. I regularly ask for God to reveal to me a clear point where we are to be done having babies. I just don’t feel that push yet. Have we used birth control? Sure have. Do we think birth control is wrong now? Absolutely NOT. Are we planning to use it anytime soon? Beats me. No big plans one way or the other. We just so very strongly hope for more children. The answer is YES.

Laela has already begun colouring pictures for “the next baby. And it will be a boy.” So to answer that question, yes, the kids are VERY much hoping for more siblings as well.

I want to put this out there, too. This is the first time I’ve talked about future children where I’ve been worried about judgement, which feels silly, because we have had nothing but support from SO MANY of you! Yet, with all the lead up to Wavy’s birth, I fear people will think she’s being overshadowed, or that we’re taking her for granted if we conceive anytime in the near-ish future. This is simply not the case. Let me try and reassure you this way.

When we conceived Waverly, I was unsure how it would look to mourn the loss of Jamin while celebrating another baby. It was an interesting thing to navigate, and it wasn’t perfect, but it worked. In the possible scenario of another pregnancy, I would be loving my children, including Waverly, while anticipating another baby. That should be easier, right? Am I making sense? I hope so.

I respect that not everyone will agree with our lifestyle, or that some people think we’re “crazy.” Thats totally fine 🙂 I ask that you keep those opinions to yourself. Trust me, I’ve thought of all the same “what ifs” that you have. Probably more. We’re working hard to follow where we feel led, whether its a popular choice or not. We are confident in our decision to grow our family further, and LOVE our houseful of children!