Your support has all meant so much to me. These last few days have been heavier than usual, and you have made me feel like its alright to feel that way. I am slowly coping with and understanding more about our loss, and how the rest of our life will look. How we will keep moving, and we will still have joy. LOTS of joy. But we will never not miss our little man, Theo. Never. And thats not a failure on my part, to not “get over it.” It would be a shame if I just got over it and forgot him. He is mine. But more than that, he is Gods. So he is where he belongs, even though it feels so unfair to my selfish heart. This is not how having babies was supposed to be.
With these days being quite so emotionally charged for me, I am wiped right out. I dare not complain, because I am NOT SICK! Woot! But I am sleeping very hard, and having a bit of a harder time dragging myself up in the mornings. Nothing huge, but just far more tired than usual. I admit, upon waking up this morning, I was not optimistic for the day. Not necessarily pessimistic either, but a bit like I just wanted to survive and call it a night. And I was greeted by four amaaazing little humans with positive attitudes who wanted for very little. Dekker stood out to me this morning, and I wanted to really recognize him for it.
I don’t want Dekker to ever feel like he needs to take care of me. Because I am his mom, and I will take care of him. He doesn’t need that big adult responsibility. But he is very tender hearted, and works hard to help and care for me as much as he can. This morning, between his sensitivity and humor, he cared for me.
The kids were around the table, eating cereal, and Laela asked for a little more. I poured her some, and kissed the top of her head. As I walked away from the table, I heard Dekker whisper something and giggle. I asked what he had said, and he popped on his chair and announced “KISS TIME!” and reached out his arms to me. I went over and gave him a big smooch. Then Rowan started calling “Kiss! Kiss! Meeeee!” And thus began a round of the new game called “Kiss Time” that I hope we all play on a regular basis, where I do laps around the table and kiss everyone over and over again. It was awesome.
Once Kiss Time had quieted down for the moment, I decided to make myself a latte to help with the fatigue. As I was making it, the kids were mesmerized. They are every single day when I make a latte. It never gets old, apparently. Dekker commented “I’ve never tried a latte before.” I confirmed that he had never tasted my latte. I said he could have a little taste if he wanted to, this time, but it was more of an adult drink. He eyed me suspiciously, and said quietly “I’m not really a fan of lattes…” I laughed way harder than I should have. It was just his expression, and his way of speaking. Shifty eyes and everything. Ack! I died. It was hilarious.
I did some dishes while the kids finished up breakfast, and put a song on that Brady and I are learning for church in a week or two. Its a really fun song, and Laela was happy to hear it a few times. After about the third time through, I heard clapping. Dekker was clapping along, and guys, he was bang on with the timing! I was super impressed. He was really focused, but as soon as I joined him, he was all smiles and relaxed into the music and the clapping. It was just a really sweet moment with him. It felt like a special connection for a minute there.
The last little tidbit I’ll share is from after Dekker finished breakfast. He and Laela love to help with any little jobs I can find for them (I know, it won’t last forever) and dishes is a favorite. So when I unpack the dishwasher, I lay out the stuff for the bottles, and anything like kids dishes, ziploc containers, big serving utensils, etc. Stuff they can reach that either won’t break, or that I won’t care about if it does. Dekker headed over to the island to do his part, and all on his own, he assembled half of the bottles, and put away exactly half of each stack of bowls/cups/plates I had left out. I told him he had done SUCH a great job with the jobs, and that it was SO generous of him to leave some for Laela (because at this age, for them, it was a sacrifice. I’m not kidding.) and he just cried. “Now I don’t have any more jobs to help with!!!” It was so adorable. I hugged him while he cried. His sensitive little heart hurts so easily, but so does mine. He comes by it honestly. Sorry not sorry, Dekker.
This morning has boosted my spirits for today. Am I still tired? Yes. Am I still sad? Definitely. But I’m so thankful for this nice bright spot to start my day with. Thank you, Lord!!