My first day back home with my beautiful kidlets hasn’t been as I anticipated or hoped it would be. I was awake around 4:30 until 7:30-ish when I dozed back off for another hour or so. I knew my body needed that extra chunk of sleep, but as often happens, it was filled with dreams. I wouldn’t call them bad dreams, or even especially unsettling, but I woke up grieving hard for the young life I lost in January. Like, hard. I had a cry on my own before going and getting my kids up for the day.
I have missed my little munchkins, and I love them desperately. I have struggled with them today, though. It appears they have turned their ears off to their mama since she left on Friday, and my sad, heavy heart is just not handling it well. I’m not losing it or anything, I promise, but I am feeling so sad. Just plain sad. Its hard to keep rolling when you’re sad.
I should be entering my third trimester of pregnancy right about now. But I’m not. I don’t get that baby. I won’t even have a baby this year. This is all just particularly hard to swallow today.
But. There is always a “but.” This one is important! I promise, I haven’t ever forgotten it, either. I am still that little boy’s mom. Along with being his mom, I am also a mom to the four little loves I have here at home. They are mine. Even above that, they all belong to God, which is even better than belonging to me. I am vastly imperfect, and I’m particularly lower on the perfection scale today, for lots of reasons, but God is perfect and we are ALL His. And in that, there is freedom.
I’m so thankful for all I have and everyone I have. For my husband who listened to me sob all of my hormones out on the phone. For my kids, who are so soft and sweet to each other 99% of the time, and who try so so hard. For my mom, who is heading over to be with me and provide some hugs and a soft place to fall. For my God, who is caring for Theo, and who understands my imperfections and grief without thinking I’m a crazy person. I have a pretty incredible bunch on my support team, and I know there are more members who I’m not mentioning this time around.
I have everything I need.