I am so appreciative of the warmth I received on yesterday’s post. Sometimes its really hard to be vulnerable on here, but I really have nothing to hide or to be ashamed of. So I thank you, friends, for not criticizing my choices and for being only supportive.
Unfortunately, last night was absolutely my worst sleep thus far. And by sleep, I do mean a complete and utter lack of sleep. I am not confident I slept a wink last night. We’ve all had choppy nights over time, that’s not surprising or new, but I definitely feel a little uneasy. I accidentally dozed off this afternoon and am pretty hopeful it won’t ruin the night ahead. I plan to take some gravol or NyQuil or something tonight to ensure I get some sleep so I can be a higher functioning human being tomorrow. I do trust a lot of this will work itself out as time goes on, but at this point, I lay awake for hours, worrying about absolutely everything. And that needs to change.
So. With that, I don’t have a lot to say today, haha! I’ll show you this dorky picture that gave me a laugh when I needed it, and we’ll try again tomorrow.
I hope you are feeling slightly more awake than I am, and that you find at least a little lightness with this dumb meme. Who knew fish with eyelashes and giant mouths could bring joy?
Hey, friends! It always feels a little awkward and vulnerable to talk about my meds publicly, but there really is no stigma here, so why not?
I can’t find the exact date of when I started incorporating Mertazipine into my medications, but I believe it was in October. At that point, I was on SO many different things, and Mertazipine was going to cover ALL the based and bring me down to ONE med only. We did a very slow fade, getting onto it and slowwwwwly weening off the others. And its done its job! With this ONE medication, I was able to nix the heartburn attacks, cut my panic attacks WAY down, manage anxiety, sleep, and eat!
This many months later, however, its not so good. It wasn’t a bad med, but its done its job, and its time to move along. Because some of the effects were causing more harm than help.
The BEST part of Mertazipine was that I slept every single night! NEVER have I slept so well and so consistently! Unfortunately, with that came the side effect of significant fatigue. We had tweaked the amounts and worked with the side effects, but the fatigue hung on absolutely all day. I felt SO limited. SO exhausted. I had never had less energy.
With Mertazipine, I also had an appetite for the first time ever! It was AWESOME, to be honest! I learned why people like food! I had just simply never really cared about food, but on this medication, I did! It was good to catch up on all the weight I lost while Brady was gone, but the number kept going up. This isn’t uncommon with this type of medication, as we all know, but it was a huge shift for me. Weight distribution is a funny thing, but at the height of my weight gain, I weighed what I did at full term pregnancy. And it happened FAST. I gained about 40 lbs in three months.
Same weight. Crazy, hey?
Another struggle was that, while Mertazipine was managing my anxiety, it wasn’t managing at well as I would have liked. Back in the day when I started Sertraline (for physical pain, of all things) I felt incredible. I felt light and patient and like life was so much easier. The best way I can describe it was that I felt like myself, enhanced. Hailey 2.0. I want to feel that way again.
One week ago, I spoke with my doctor on the phone. We discussed that our “last try” on a different Mertazipine dose had not made a difference. I talked about how I have been trying to give my body its room to rest and have everything it needed, but that I was growing suspicious that my body was SO tired, not from the activity of our life, but of the medication. It felt like a revelation, to be honest. Dr. Guselle and I talked bluntly and I reminisced about how GOOD I felt on Sertraline back before everything got SO extra challenging. Now that we’re a little ways from the really scary stuff, we decided to try it out again. Thankfully, both medications are SSRIs, so switching from one to another too hard. So, that day, instead of taking Mertazipine before bed, I switched it to Sertraline. A complete cold swap. One for the other. No weening, no fussing, nothing. I figured if there was ever a time to just go for it, that would be now, in spring, when I can be outside more, the kids can be outside more, the sun is out, and lake season is upon us!
What I can tell you is that the very next day, I woke up WELL. I hadn’t had a normal morning in months!! I am absolutely still tired in the morning, but who isn’t? I’m NORMAL tired. Being off of that medication has really opened my eyes to how sedated I was! I will say again, Mertazipine served an important purpose and I have ZERO regrets about going on it! But I feel WAY better in the day. I have WAY more energy. I feel closer to me! I’ve missed me! Hahaha!
Another thing I noticed immediately after switching meds was that my appetite was GONE. As in GONE gone. So I’m working on keeping aware of myself, eating at appropriate times in appropriate amounts. I’m not going to wait until my body screams for me to listen. I just have to pay attention in a new way. I can do that. But I will say that I lost five pounds this week just from eating the way I used to, where I am FULL after every meal. I’d say thats a testament to the fact that many meds just change how your body processes food. Its not ALL about how much we eat.
The biggest hit I’ve taken has been sleep, for sure. I’ve been using melatonin before bed, which has helped me get to bed, but it doesn’t help me stay asleep. Most of the last week I’ve found myself awake around 2:00am and have been awake for at least an hour each night. Usually more. But I’m just transitioning meds newly now, and I expect there to be some effects that are less favourable. Also, realistically, I’ve always had a hard time falling back to sleep after I wake up. I had good tools before Brady’s surgery, and I had a good method for probably the first time in my entire life. So I know it can be done again, and I’m working towards that. And hey, all the lake air and activity won’t hurt either 🙂 I’m hopeful!
Thats the latest on me and meds! I appreciate how I have always felt support and care from you, friends, on this subject. I really have no reason to hide, but its vulnerable stuff, and I am very grateful to be able to share openly.
If anyone has any great techniques that help them fall back to sleep in the night, lay ’em on me!
We’re home. Its late. It was an incredible day spent at the lake, in the sun, around a fire, sipping coffee with friends. I truly couldn’t have asked for more. We let down and enjoyed ourselves, but we also got some work done, some things organized, and the camper swept and cleaned completely of mouse poison. Success!
I’m late to post because the day was SO full of beauty and friends, and the drive home was quiet and tired. But the most contented tired. I have almost no pictures of today because we just soaked in the moments. You’ll just have to trust me that they were sweet and filled with memories. Already! Its just the first weekend!
Ok, friends. Bedtime. My bed is going to smell like campfire and I’m not even made at it!
It’s already been a full weekend here! It’s been so so good! Very much like home 💜
Priority one upon getting here was making sure the camper had wintered well. It had! What a relief! 😅The golf cart, however, was not working. Brady had babysat the batteries all winter so it would work quickly and easily. But it wouldn’t go. So yesterday we drove back to PA for some parts, and upon installing them, it still didn’t run! We charged it all night and this morning, it STILL wouldn’t run!!
I built a fire and Brady googled some trouble shooting. It wasn’t long before all the usual suspects from the campground showed up. It was SO good to see everyone! They gave us some tips on the golf cart and teased us about being on tv earlier this year 😂 It was so good to be among our lake friends!
Luckily, they had good insight and said EVERYTHING corroded so badly this winter. So a quick clean of all the connectors and the golf cart was up and running!! Thank the Lord!! We were a touch stranded without it!
We took a celebratory drive around the camp and down to the water. And by “water” I do mean ICE! Hahaha! Yikes! Will NOT be swimming in there anytime soon!!
We’ve returned to our site and continue to work at it. We have a lot of jobs we CAN do but only so much extra energy to put into them; so we’re choosing wisely!
And sometimes less wisely 🤮
Tonight holds good food and rest! We are so grateful for the contentment that our camp spot holds 💜
Last month, Brady completed his final round of chemotherapy. Twelve months. Every four weeks, without fail, Brady did chemo. It’s been four weeks since he started that cycle. This would be the day he’d start taking pills if he were still doing chemo.
Instead of taking chemo this weekend, we’re at the lake.
It’s overcast and rainy and it sounds and smells incredible!
So far, the bump out worked, and place is up to size, and the water is on. Brady’s getting the water heater going, and I’ve unloaded most of the van. The fridge is on and the space heater is pumping. Our golf cart batteries need a little help but PA isn’t too far off. We have a plan in place. It is SO good to be home 💜💜💜
Yesterday evening was tough, so we opted to go for an evening walk. Usually it helps, but I’ll be honest and say I was not feeling confident at all. I was very apprehensive. When we got outside, it was colder and windier than anticipated.
Everyone grabbed a hoodie or a spring jacket and we were on our way!
The walk was ok. At least for the first half. Wavy got upset about something on the way home, and we still had at least ten minutes of walking ahead of us. She cried the entire way home. Nothing would solve it. When we finally got everyone in the door, she agreed that it was time for bed. As I tucked her in, I reassured her that she wasn’t in any trouble, but that it was clear she needed to sleep. She responded with “Ya, I’m tired.”
Goodness she is SO gorgeous! 😍
Evening walks are not always flawless by any means, and sometimes they just can’t happen. But when they do, its SUCH a win and everyone sleeps so much better! Worth the effort, for sure!
There is just so much going on over here. I feel like my posts have been boring, but its for a reason. We’re all just breathing, and we’re doing a lot of waiting and seeing. Change is absolutely always upon us, almost exclusively, and we’re doing all we can to handle it gracefully and in faith. We are completely different people than we were a year ago.
As we go forward in such a different way than we ever pictured, I have caught myself mixing up comfort with contentment. I think those things are pretty different, and I’m starting to learn that comfort is a very real gift, but it is not a right. Contentment, however, is a choice.
Pain is uncomfortable.
Sickness is uncomfortable.
Uncertainty is uncomfortable.
Anxiety is uncomfortable.
Making unpopular choices is uncomfortable.
Taking risks is uncomfortable.
Faith in God is even uncomfortable sometimes.
Yet…
We are held by the strongest, safest hands, and we continue to seek God’s face and follow where He leads us, even if it’s – say it with me – uncomfortable.
And with that – with God – we find contentment and peace.
I had two appointments scheduled for today. I had a leg wax booked, with my counselling booked directly after. I had the thought that Brady and Wavy could come in with me and run a couple of little errands while I was in, since counselling takes an hour. I realized a couple of days ago, however, that counselling only started at 3, which means I definitely couldn’t take them with me, because the kids need someone home when they get out of school. As I was putting two and two together, I realized that meant I had to go alone, which makes parking a lot more fussy and stressful, and I wasn’t looking forward to it.
But as things would turn out, my counsellor got in touch yesterday and told me she was feeling under the weather, and we’d need to reschedule. Which worked out just perfect because not only would I not have to figure out hospital parking in a vehicle that doesn’t fit in the lot (we’re too tall for the parkade) but it also meant my one appointment would be done by 2:30!
Because of that change, Brady had arranged with a loving friend of ours to pick up some really nice quality pallets around 1:00. So it all worked out that we went in together, picked up pallets, some quick McDicks, and then I went to my wax.
I have been getting my legs and arms waxed for years. A confident 15 years on my legs. Maybe ten years for my arms. Regardless, it goes SO quick now! I was in and out in 20 minutes. It was almost too short, haha! I miss my waxing girl!
All in all, we got back to town with enough time to hit the post office before there was any risk of the kids beating us home. But of course, the parcel I’ve been waiting for was there, and it was right over the 3:00 break! Cmon, Hailey. Timing!
It was a successful day 💜 I really do love my counselling appointments. They’re pretty life giving, honestly. Validating. But the way my schedule opened up today was just perfect. Pallet pickup was going to be tomorrow, and now that we did it today, tomorrow is a HOME day. A REST day! I’m so excited to be home and crochet, listen to music, and plan the weekend ahead a little bit. It definitely doesn’t hurt to get organized!
I am very happy with how today turned out. Thank you Lord for the rain and fresh tingly legs.
I know Mother’s Day was and is complicated for many. I saw someone on Insta post “Have a gentle Mother’s Day” and I thought that was really sweet and concise. I am not naive to the complicated aspects of that day. But, because I am fortunate enough to be a mother to my children, I did want to share a brief post about them all. A rundown, if you will. Is anyone also picturing Jim Halpert saying “What the hell is a rundown?” I wish I could find an appropriate gif. Anyway.
Behold – the children who made me a mother.
Dekker Thomas. The oldest.
Ten years of him so far.
Laela Hazel. The oldest girl.
We’ve had this one for eight years so far.
Rowan Toby. The middlest.
He’s one of the oldest in his class. Seven years with this one.
Solomon Brady. Our littlest guy. My husbands namesake.
This month, we’ll have had the pleasure of six years with him.
Shortly after Solomon was born, we started losing babies.
Theo.
He joined our family about five years ago.
Jamin.
He was born the following summer, so that was almost five years ago, too. A confident four and a half years, I suppose.
Waverly Violet. Our youngest here at home.
We have had almost four years with this little peach.
Very shortly after Wavy was born, I began losing many pregnancies.
Little Buddy. Our possible twins.
We never got to know for certain, obviously, but I like to believe my body tried to have twins. This was about two and a half years ago.
August.
We never got to the point of ultrasound for this baby, unfortunately. I found out right over my birthday that I was expecting, and was bleeding within the week. But I was very grateful to have the supportive doctor I had be closely in touch, limping me though my grief and back to physical health.
I am overwhelmed with gratefulness for the children I have had the pleasure to bring home. I have deep grief for those I’ve carried who never made it home. I still carry confusion and frustration in my heart for all the lightly positive pregnancy tests that were immediately followed by cycles. My desire to mother more children hasn’t gone. God knows my heart, and it is absolutely open wide for whatever comes next. Whether I have the opportunity to mother children again, whether biological or not, permanently or temporarily, or if I am never responsible for any other child ever again, I will pour into people for the rest of my life one way or another 💜
I know Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are complicated for some. For many. I am not offended if you pass this post on by. I understand and respect that there is pain. But I deeply appreciate the beautiful mom that I was given, and emulate much of my parenting from.
I am incredibly fortunate to have her example in my life, and the friendship we share. I know not everyone has such a smooth, loving thing with their mom, or even with a friend. We have a strong relationship that only gets better as time goes by. I am incredibly grateful for my mom.
I am also incredibly grateful for my honorary mom across the street, Rae. While she isn’t around at this very moment, I hope she knows she is loved and appreciated by our family. There is a strong bond there that I trust will always be there. I am honoured to be part of her family.
Its harder to get a picture of Rae! She’s always behind the camera when she’s with the kids!
The day has been spent listening to music, visiting, eating yummy food, and receiving some gifts and notes from the kids. I really couldn’t ask for more.
I’m grateful for my mom. I’m grateful for the beautiful maternal influence around me. I’m grateful for the children who made me a mom.
