I really cannot say more lovely things about today. I am completely beside myself with exhaustion, as it Brady. But the day was completely beautiful.

We made it to church. Two of the babies who never stay well in nursery stayed without crying, and I could be in the service with Brady and the other kids. As the service wrapped up, people gathered around our bench, laid hands on us, and prayed for us all. Brady and I cried the entire time, as did many others. When the prayer was done, people lingered and held us, talked to us, listened to us, and offered much willingness to help, support and put into our family. Such warm acknowledgement and love between many shared tears.

As tends to happen, we were among the last to leave, but it was nice to connect with as many people as possible.

We stopped by a friends house for some backup med supplies after church, and got in a short, really lovely visit before heading home.

My mom came over, and we all ate sandwiches on fresh baked buns from a loving neighbour for lunch.

Braden came over for the afternoon, and got our stair lift working! This is a HUGE win, because Brady will now be able to go back downstairs for movie nights, tuck ins, and whatever else needs doing in the basement of his own house. It makes such a difference for his independence and normalcy. He also stuck around and brainstormed about some really important projects with us. What a gift to have someone willing and available to put some real time and effort into our home, and getting some things fixed up where we need them to function better. We are SO grateful!

My mom brought food for supper, so we enjoyed a crazy delicious meal of sausage, potatoes, corn, and gravy. SO good!!

After supper, Brady got to take Laela and Solly to the church, where they played their first ever piece in the festival! A duet, to be more specific. They made some mistakes, shed some tears, rallied, finished well, and came home feeling SO proud of themselves. They had so many encouragers who built them up 💜 And an amazing teacher, also.

Everyone came home and tucked into bed. My mom had washed up the dishes, and took some frozen bananas home to bake some muffins for us.

And as the day winds down, Brady and I will eat some Doritos and chocolates before drifting off to sleep.

As I said. Its been a beautiful day. So many beautiful people praying. So many promises of continued committed prayer. So many offers to help, and to contribute to our family in a wide variety of ways. People wanting to intentionally connect. Genuine offers of love and support. I know I’m repeating myself, but it has been an absolute flood of emotion and concern and love and determination, and I can hardly wrap my head around it.

What a beautiful day. A huge day. Leading into a huge week. But already, I have babysitting locked down for three different stints. One appointment confirmed. One foster visit. Brady’s first trip back to the cancer centre tomorrow. And who knows what else is to come. Hopefully we will walk out with a radiation schedule tomorrow, but all we can do is pray.

As can you 💜 Please do so, if you think of us. The need is real.

Yet, there is peace. We trust You, Lord. No matter what, You are good.

Its come up a handful of times recently that Brady’s mobility has changed. Not uncommon with spinal cord injuries. There are just SO many nerves, it’s easy to tweak things and have something big change. So when Bradys legs started to weaken a little bit more and he started having a bit more spasticity, we started looking into it. 

Some of the doctors were very angry that Brady had taken magnesium, and even angrier that he had seen a chiropractor. But once they got over their initial disgust for our choices, they said its possible his spinal column had been injured, but that we needed an MRI to know for sure. Because when you’ve had grade 4 glioblastomas, specialists tend to lean pretty far towards the worst case scenario. Which we can all understand. 

A referral was put in for an urgent MRI. We didn’t get a call for a week, so Brady called MRI booking, and they informed him, since he had two referrals in the queue currently – one routine and one urgent – they just lumped them together and booked him for May. 

Which was not acceptable. After hounding and fussing for quite some time by both Brady and his medical team, the soonest he could get an MRI scheduled was March 16th, which at the time was about a week and a half away. 

However, as we awaited the 16th, Brady mobility really started to give out. His legs spasmed constantly, knocking him over. He started falling. He stopped being able to pee when he felt he needed to. His legs and back were becoming weaker very quickly. Every morning, he would wake up to something else. So we decided to hit the ER last Saturday, March 8th, and see if he could get an MRI. The waiting was getting out of hand. 

The place was packed, which was pretty discouraging. Brady went up to register, and we sat for a minute before they called us to a back little room to answer a few more questions. Brady mentioned how there is a possibility of tumour regrowth, just to get them to really take him seriously. 

And they did. 

And thank goodness. 

Brady was sent in for an MRI very quickly. It was a long MRI. Two hours ish. Top to bottom. Brain to butt. The entire central nervous system. 

We hardly waited after his scan before we heard from neuro. Bradys surgeon, Dr. Fourney, was on call for consult, but he had decided to come in to see us personally. 

I’m sure you can see where this is going. 

So.

Brady’s spinal tumour is back. In full force. Bigger. And more aggressive. It has actually come back as two separate tumours, situated along his spinal cord, just above and just below where the original tumour was. Each tumour is about the size of the first, meaning this is double the damage. It is growing quickly. And it is growing up. It is currently juuuuust below the cervical spine, which is basically the base of his neck up to his skull. 

Here is what we have learned about Bradys cancer. 

It is mean. As we take it out, it grows angrier and will come back faster and more aggressive. It has showed its cycle, and Bradys neurosurgeon believes it will continue to do the same thing.

Here is where it sucks. 

The ideal solution would be to remove it. However, Dr. Fourney believes that in the six ish weeks it would take to heal post-op, before starting any cancer treatment, the tumour would grow back yet again, bigger, and worse. The higher the tumour grows, the worse the situation gets. In this case, surgery would do more harm than help. 

So. We’re not going to take it out. 

*deep breath*

I know. Hear me out. 

After speaking at length with Brady’s radiation oncologist, this is the plan in place that everyone feels best about. 

Brady is going to have radiation right above the top of his highest tumour. So likely right at the base of his cervical spine. The exact mapping of which vertebrae will be hit directly will happen first thing next week. But they will hit that point of his spinal cord very aggressively, effectively stopping the tumour from going any higher and doing any more damage. With Brady’s first run with cancer a few years ago, he was given the maximum dose of radiation he was allowed to have on his spine before causing damage. And now he needs more. As in NEEDS more. So, with this treatment plan, Brady will lose all use of his legs. He will go from having an incomplete injury to a complete injury. From being a walking paraplegic to being completely wheelchair bound. 

As devastating as this sounds, he is already there. Brady used to have feeling in his right leg, and it is now to about 5% or less. He used to have strength in his left leg, and now it is completely limp. He used to have a couple of functioning ab muscles, but now, if he bends forward in his chair, he needs to push/pull his body back up. Much has changed. Much. So permanent paralysis being the downfall of this treatment feels manageable, since Brady has already been thrust into that boat, whether he likes it or not. 

Once the tumour is stopped in its tracks, they will revisit the possibility of doing more radiation on the tumours themselves, but right now the priority is to stop them from expanding further up. 

We are in it now. We are working hard to get in contact with all the right people. Brady is reconnecting with the rehab facility at City Hospital. Hoping to get some help from the medical social worker in applying for some funding. Also looking into some programs Brady is connected to, and investigating our insurance, both private and through work. We have purchased grab bars that need to be installed throughout the home. We need to make changes to his wheelchair and to our ramp. We have borrowed some medical supplies and Brady is testing them out to see what works and what doesn’t. We are looking into how in the world he is going to get into the bus, and brainstorming how we will ever make the lake life work for us. 

The more I type, I can feel my anxiety bubbling up inside of me. Its hard to lay it all out this way. It’s hard to be apart from Brady right now, even for short spans of time. But if you know Brady, you know he will keep on keeping on 💜 Which is a beautiful quality of his. 

We are managing. Grieving. Accepting. Continuing. Lots has changed, and there is more to come. No matter the challenge, however, God remains the same. There is no way would be coping without Him. God is good. All the time. 

Welp. Brady can’t do the stairs anymore. Nope nope nope. Not at all. So our budding Friday evening movie routine was at risk of being over with. Rather than pointing the finger at Brady and saying we can’t have movie nights anymore, we pivoted, and bought a cheap TV off of Amazon. It is currently set up in our living room, making movie night possible.

Brady came home from work and figured out the last details to get the tv paired to our Roku account, and I finished off a big batch of bacon and eggs, scooped it into solo cups, and we all crammed into the living room. Which is tricky, because there are a a lot of us, and our living room isn’t huge, especially considering we all needed to face the same direction to see the show. First world problems, I know.

Kids commandeered couches. Some choice the floor. Two babies in high chairs. One in dads wheelchair. Brady got into our lighter recliner, and I dragged it over between my chair and our bookshelf. Lol! We just PACKED in. But it was cozy and nice. We watched an episode of American Ninja Warrior, ate our breakfast for supper, and finished off with oreo rice krispie treats that were gifted to us yesterday.

It was delicious, and cozy, and a solid way to make movie nights work while we wait to get a lift system worked out for the basement. But that is for another day. Today I am just grateful for what we have and who we have. Praise God for bringing us together 💜

We go pink! 💞

My hair has been in rough shape for a while now as I’ve awaited my next appointment with Carlinna. As the approached, I actually got cold feet and thought about cancelling. Not because I am scared to get my hair coloured (surely you know by now I am not scared of that) but things are very swirly these days and I don’t have a lot of headspace to do recreational things. But my loved ones around me insisted I hold the appointment, and they all put in so that I could. Thank you 💜 SO many moving parts went into today, and I am relieved and grateful.

I even got to wrap up the day by grabbing a couple of burgers and running an errand with Brady 💜 We are SO fortunate.

I’m not angry, I’m actually having a little giggle.

Computers are funny. Algorithms are funny. Technology is not without its faults, and sometimes, the simplest little errors crack me up the most.

Like this one. I can’t explain why it made me laugh. Perhaps I am just simply VERY tired. But regardless, I enjoyed a dumb laugh, so maybe you will, too.

To be clear, the rolling pins are bed rails, the greeting cards apparently are milk warmers.

I had to laugh 🤣 Ridiculous.

I had the pleasure of accompanying Dekker to an appointment today. I won’t go into details out of respect for him, but I will say that I actually super enjoyed being out with him. We did some hard things together today, and we came out of it happy and silly. Don’t you think he looks positively darling in my glasses?? 🤣😎

He is a fabulous guy to have along for any ride 💜

Todays honourable mentions go to:

Cher for baking 11 dozen muffins for us while pumping out a stack of laundry

My mom for staying with the babies in the van for SO long, reading and feeding.

Carrie for bringing lunch, bathing a baby, changing diapers, and helping me get out the door in the afterboob. Oh! Afterboob! Yup. I’m going with it. Nice.

I could not do these days without help, and I am SO fortunate to have all the care and love from the people around me. It is not lost on me how blessed my family is.

Thank you, Lord, for absolutely always providing, even in unconventional ways. We trust You.

Today felt like a day where we were truly blessed by those around us.

Blessed by Cher, who came and cleaned the house for a few hours, did laundry, and rocked the baby to sleep.

Blessed by Braden, who came over to try to help us get some accessibility stuff going in our house.

Blessed by mom, who ran errands in the city for me, picking up medical and baking supplies, which are both regular parts of our life and of equal importance.

We have so terribly much to be grateful for.

Thank you, Lord. You are good.

Laela and I struggle sometimes. There is a lot of pushback, and at times, we have distance. Which no mom wants with their daughter, specifically this mom! Thankfully, this particular daughter also doesn’t care for the distance, and while its chosen for a time, there is obvious, acknowledged relief when there is closeness again.

After a stretch of rough days, Laela and I regained our closeness, and in many ways, all is right in the world.

In many other ways, nothing is right with the world.

As I tucked Laela in tonight, she told me “Everything feels better and safer when we’re close.” And I agree.

Laela, if you ever read this, I love you dearly 💜 Thank you for our walk tonight. I love being close to you.

Its the times over here. Times are a little extra tricky right now. Mobility is down, and its more of a struggle every day for Brady to move around.

Someone gave us a stair lift a couple of years ago, and we’ve stored it ever since. We were told the last time they tried to turn it on, it didn’t work. Possibly just a simple wiring issue. So we were still very grateful to have it for free! I dragged that beast out of the garage and into our house this morning, and we’re getting into it now, trying to sort out whether or not its going to run. Please say a prayer it does.

Or, if you are the praying type, and we come to mind, please don’t hesitate to pray for us in general. For Brady. There is some figuring to do, and the long limbo wait time is a really hard hill to climb, especially when your legs work less and less each day.

On this somewhat downer note, I give you this giggle for the day.

Who knew chihuahuas look like muffins?!

It really goes such a long way to have a doctor like we have. I brought in our latest Peanut for an appointment first thing this morning, and was greeted by a resident who told me that our doctor had just told her all about us and spoke very highly of us. What is so extra bizarre is that this is not the first time a doctor has said that to us 💜 Our doctor will vouch for us, day in and day out, and we know it for certain. We feel SO fortunate to have her on our team!

The resident we saw today was also very lovely. She gave our baby a good well check, and inquired about any concerns I have. As mentioned a week or so ago, my main concerns lie in babys feeding, and that has started to improve drastically since earlier this week when we began thickening the formula. Thats been a whole learning curve as well!! We used thickeners with the Morsel, but that was at a later age than we’re looking at here, so its all entirely different. Anyway.

Baby appeared to be well and doing everything right. Our doctor ducked in to join the appointment, and the resident left shortly thereafter to get into her next appointment. Dr. Guselle and I finished off what we were talking about regarding the Peanut, and then we spoke a bit about my other kids, and also Brady and all the messy stuff that he’s going through right now. We commiserated on the frustration surrounding scheduling things and advocating when you’re not being heard. As we spoke, I watched the wheels turn, and sure enough, by the end of our appointment, she had some new ideas of how to help us. I truly don’t know what we will ever do when she retires. Man is she ever invested.

It was a lovely appointment, as it pretty much always is. But then, I packed up the Peanut (Ha! Packing Peanut) and we drove home. Cher was at the house with the other babies, cleaning for me 💜 I got home and immediately put on sweatpants. Weekend mode has begun!

Tomorrow has many moving parts, but not too many to manage. All the moving parts can be managed with sweats and coffee, with the Wicked soundtrack playing in the background.

Here’s to the weekend!