I haven’t had a summer baby in a while, and Theo was going to be born at the very end of July or the very beginning of August, so smack dab in the middle of the hottest months! I was SO excited to have a baby at that time, and had realized I wasn’t especially well stocked for summer maternity wear. Over boxing day and in the fairly recent past, I found some exceptional deals, and had put together a pretty nice wardrobe of cute shorty shorts, tank tops, tshirts, and a dress or two.

I’ve been lovingly reminded since this loss began that my clothes will not expire, and I will get a chance to put them to use.

I cleaned up my en suite yesterday, since my makeup area was a total mess, and I found a few items of maternity wear that I hadn’t pulled out yet. I had that sinky heart feeling, and had a quick moment of feeling stupid for having bought these clothes already. Because everybody knows you shouldn’t buy baby stuff in the first trimester. I’ve always thought that was a little bit silly to take too seriously, and this was the first time I really hated that I had bought things in advance.

I only hated it for a second, though, I promise. I KNOW this isn’t the end of the line for us. I am CONFIDENT in that. I will get my chance to wear these clothes over a pregnant body again.

So today, just as a very small (but significant) statement to myself, I made a point to wear maternity clothes. Not that I don’t often enough anyway. Let’s be real. I own far more maternity wear than regular clothing. But I pulled out a beautiful shirt that I specifically bought for this pregnancy. For summer. I paired it with some great maternity jeans I ordered myself over Christmas, and thats the wardrobe. Seems very insignificant, probably, because I would very likely wear these clothes in the coming months anyway, pregnant or not. But it just seemed necessary for me to pull out some of the things I was sad about and rock them anyway.

When I got Laela up this morning, her first comment to me was that she liked my shirt. “I luff it, mommy! Its boosital! (beautiful)” Was she saying that because she’d never seen it before? Probably. But it was nice.

Then we went to get Rowan together, and as soon as we could tell he was indeed awake, she shrieked at him, “Wowan! See mommy’s new shirt?” Rowan stared at my shirts and proclaimed a big “WOW!” Lip service? Yes, most likely. But again, it was nice.

I’m sorry if this post seems silly, or it doesn’t make sense, or I sound self centred. To me, its a very small success story. Just a small part of all of the things making me feel like all is not lost. Something very significant was lost, but not actually lost lost. The world sure lost someone wonderful, but he isn’t lost. I know exactly where he is.

Something crazy is happening. Everyone is napping. 😮 #nappening

Dekker is at school, Laela bawled through lunch and asked for a nap, Rowan always naps now, and so does Solly. Sooooo my house is quiet.

Not all the way quiet. I have my third load of laundry going, and my second load of dishes as well. So there is a bit of a hum, but a very nice, quiet, productive hum. It makes me feel good. Like I’ve been able to get off of the couch and done a few things. I haven’t pushed it either. I’m giving myself lots of room here, because I know thats what I should do. And I feel ok 🙂 Ok enough to do some dishes and laundry, anyway!

Now that my body has calmed down a bit since yesterday, I can focus a bit better on the rest of my life, and my poor kids have just been going through the mill once again! Laela has an awful cold. She’s non-stop coughing, wiping her nose, and can’t open her eyes fully. Rowan, on the other hand, is still quite chipper and seems to be in far better emotional shape, with just a runny nose on his rap sheet. Dekker went to school this morning with a cold, but being that he was in a happy mood this morning, and is capable of wiping his own nose and coughing into his elbow, I figured he would be fine. And Solly! Solly hasn’t fevered since yesterday, thank goodness. His biggest thing right now is teething. He’s skipped his top middle teeth and has popped the one beside where they will be, being that right second (lateral) incisor. Of course, from what I can see, the next one about the surface is his left central incisor on the top. So he’s going to have some funny gaps for a while, which I’m very much looking forward to. 😃

On top of the kids being sick, Brady is also feeling it, and pretty significantly. His work ethic is far too powerful for him to take a sick day, so he’s toughing his days out, but he spends his time at home headachy, with a kleenex shoved up one nostril. I’m not sick, which I couldn’t be more thankful for! I feel like its on the horizon, though, so if you’re still praying for us, please do pray for our general health! This would be a round of sickness I would dearly love to skip out on!

With everyone sleeping, and a few tasks accomplished, I’m going to end this blog by getting some snacks and watching a bit of YouTube. And if I can, I’d like to ask you all a question. I wrote a post back after my first prenatal in Theo’s pregnancy. It was such a positive experience for me, and I wrote it that day so it would be fresh and I could really convey my excitement for the time ahead. Now that the pregnancy isn’t going forward, I’m sad at the thought of just deleting it. I’m thinking I’d like to post it anyway. Objections? Interest? I’d love feedback 🙂

Have a great afternoon!

You guys, I didn’t mean to underestimate you, but I NEVER expected the outpouring of love we received on yesterday’s post!! I honestly wasn’t sure how it would be received. I didn’t know if people would be put off that I had shared something personal that could be seen as taboo. I was a bit worried, but I also wanted to record this time for me, and for my family. It will go in our blog books, and be a very significant post that we’ll read years from now and reminisce about who Theo would have been. Thank you, all, for your support, your compassion, and your lack of judgement.

I learned something really important yesterday, and I wanted to share it with you.

I learned that SO MANY PEOPLE have lost babies! SO MANY!!! In the amazing amount of comments, texts, and private messages I received, there was a shocking amount of stories in there, where many of you recounted your previous losses and sorrows. My heart ached with every story, because I’ve been there. I am there. Guys, SO MANY PEOPLE have been there!! No one’s story is the same, and no one’s pain is the same, but the common goal was. In no way am I saying that everyone should be public about their personal struggles, I promise I’m not saying that! But talking about my family’s loss in a public forum was very therapeutic for me. It makes it all feel a bit more normal, and like we can now talk about Theo more easily in our daily life. And best of all, I feel far more normal knowing that I’m not the only one out there who last lost a baby. I knew this, obviously, but to hear it from others made a difference for me.

Conveniently, today is Bell’s “Let’s Talk” day. Now, to be fair, I don’t use Bell, but I understand that it claims to put a small amount of money towards mental health initiatives for every single text sent, call places, tweet posted, etc. I know this isn’t necessarily what they were thinking, but I am FULLY on board with the idea. WE NEED TO BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT HARD THINGS! Not always publicly at all, but we know I’m not the most private person 😉 But people need to be able to talk to someone. Please, talk about your loss with someone. Me, even! You can talk to me! Or don’t, lol, thats ok too! I don’t want to sound corny or cliche, but there is just is really no need to suffer in silence, or feel shame, or anything like that. YOU do what YOU need to do to grieve. In the case of losing babies, make sure your spouse/partner is doing what they need to do to mourn their loss as well. I can say that Brady is just as sad and grief stricken as I am, because it was very much his baby as well.

Whatever. I’m not trying to start some big thing, and I fear that I’m going to say something wrong and get ripped apart on it, so I’m going to stop. I just encourage you to step back and look at your stuff. In this case, in my case, its the loss of our boy. I want to step back and make sure I’m dealing on it. Not just forgetting him, and not just waiting for they physical signs of loss to be over, but really addressing what happened. For me, a big part of that was writing it out. For you, maybe its going for a walk and praying. Maybe its coming over for coffee and chatting with me about it, or going to someone else for coffee and talking about it. Maybe its writing it in a journal. Maybe its planting a flower specifically for that baby in spring. Maybe its having another big cry about it with your family. Whatever you do, don’t bury it. It’ll hurt so much worse later. At least thats what I think.

I’m just babbling now, half pep talking myself, to be honest. Its been a strange day for me, feeling so relieved after writing yesterday’s post, but physically feeling our loss more than I have yet. I feel positive and hopeful, but my body aches and pains are worse than usual. Its a weird day, and I’m sure there are a lot more to come. There is still a lot to process.

I hope today finds you well. And to the huge amount of people who got in touch one way or another yesterday, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reaching out to us!! Every one of you made an impact by showing us love and compassion and even just interest in our life! Thank you thank you thank you for all of your amazing support!!

I apologize for the past week. It has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. And I thought being so sick for so long was where I would max out. Turn out, this girl can take quite a bit more.

Christmas was a hard time, but we secretly had a bright spot. I posted this picture to Instagram, saying I felt like a human finally, and it was good to feel put together for the first time in a long time.

Many of you were SO generous and complimentary and encouraging, and it made me feel great. I also felt great because it was one of my first times being out of baggy shirts and sweats, and I was elated to see this:

Baby five was visible. I was surprised and excited and apprehensive that people would notice! It was still so early, much earlier than I have ever showed before! It made his presence feel so much more real.

I was about eight weeks along at that point.

As dates would tell us, that is right around the time that he died.

We went on the next few weeks, combatting things after thing, sickness after headache, and making jokes about how it was kind of convenient just how sick we were, because it was making the weeks leading up to our ultrasound go by so quickly. I had first trimester jitters, like most people do, but I could easily write them off. I had no sickness, but I didn’t with Dekker either, so I couldn’t complain. Can you imagine if I were folded over a toilet, barfing, on top of everything else we were battling?? I was SO thankful for the lack of symptoms. My single hangup was that I couldn’t feel a bump. Around ten weeks, I can usually feel a good grapefruit sized bump where my uterus is. And this time, I couldn’t. But as everyone will tell you, most women don’t find their uterus until 14 -ish weeks. So I told myself “every pregnancy is different” and went ahead with my day, determined not to read too far into things.

And then, at 11 weeks, we had a very quiet ultrasound. No one spoke, but our tech didn’t have to. Our little baby had no heartbeat, and was noticeably undersized. She went and made some calls, but my doctor wasn’t in the office that day. Would I see another doctor? No, I would not. We went home. Brady and I pulled over halfway home and wept together. It was unbelievable. We never thought this would be us.

I spent the evening taking calls from a resident, and also from my doctor, encouraging me that we did nothing wrong, and it wasn’t our fault. The differences were immense between the calls. The resident spoke quickly and professionally, though she was polite and understanding. But she spoke of our “ball of tissue” and our “abortion.” I know those are the appropriate terms in our case, but I found them to be quite devastating. My doctor, on the other hand, talked about our baby, and how sad it was to experience a miscarriage. This tricky thing was that our baby stopped growing right around eight weeks, and I was now eleven weeks into the pregnancy. Our baby’s little body had been waiting in there for three whole weeks. I had options, and  I had some time to decide, which was nice. We made an appointment to see Dr. Guselle two days later, on Wednesday.

It was good to go. I cried, and she answered lots and lots of questions. There are so few people who can leave me feeling at ease the way she can. While I was terribly discouraged leaving her office, I was also strangely encouraged about what the future holds, and what we are in fact capable of. I also felt fairly prepared for the days to come.

Friday, we went for another ultrasound. I wanted to be 100% certain that our baby was no longer growing, so I would never have to wonder down the road. Indeed, he was even measuring one day smaller, as a person would expect. I cried. Our tech asked me if I wanted a picture. I cried some more and said I did.

Here he was.

Just a little baby, but undeniably there, and undeniably perfect.

Now knowing with confidence that baby had died, I spent the weekend trying to “lose” the baby. It was horrendous on my heart. Psychologically, I couldn’t fathom taking measures to end a pregnancy that we wanted so badly. But I had this insane peace that I never expected to have. I know there was a group of you who had inquired with us, and were praying hard for our family in this time, and it made an enormous difference. I came to terms with the fact that I truly believe that my baby boy was already up with Jesus, and SO many other little babies. All I had left of his was his body. Which is SUCH a precious part of him, don’t get me wrong, but its the worldly part. His soul is already being very well cared for up in heaven. God loves his even more than I do, which seems impossible, but I believe it to be true.

Physically, the worst is over now. My heart still breaks, and I’ve cried more through writing this out than I thought I would, if I’m being honest. I adore that little boy SO MUCH, and I’m so sad that he can’t be here with his siblings and his parents who have been anticipating him. But as I’ve felt from God since the day we found out he had passed away, it is better that he is with God in heaven than with us on earth.

I have been so excited about writing a post announcing our pregnancy, and I feel like this is sort of taking the place of that. I’m very very sad its gone this way, but I have a very real desire to share his short little life with those who I know would be excited to hear about him and to have met him. Its not an attention grab. Its a celebration of our little boy who we will one day meet in Heaven!!

So I thank you all, once again, for everything you have put into us over this last week specifically. The flowers, meals, coffees, treats, gifts, and the many apologies offered, time spent, tears shed, and comforting words/stories/scriptures shared. I speak for Brady and I both when I say I’m not sure how we would have done this week without all of you. We are still grieving the life of who we believed to be our fourth little boy, and we will likely be sad for a long time, but we are peaceful about the situation at hand, and hopeful for the future. Please continue to pray, and feel free to bring this up to us. Its ok to ask questions. We want to talk about him.

We sure miss you and love you, little man Theo. We can’t wait to meet you someday 💙

As our day wound up yesterday, we realized just how bad of a day Laela had been having. She had eaten nothing. Literally, not a bite of anything. But as everyone and their mother tells you, its more important that she drinks. She had done a tiny bit of that, but she had thrown up each time. I’m confident she took in absolutely nothing yesterday. No medicine, food, or drink. When it was time to put her to bed, I went to lift her up, and she started heaving. Brady made it over with the bucket, and she barfed over my shoulder, over and over. It was awful. TMI alert! It was dark dark brown and she had to work HARD for it, since she really had nothing in her little system to throw up.

I don’t usually panic and think “hospital,” but in this case, I did. Her barf smelled horrific, and it just kept happening. She was so weak. Instead of rushing to the hospital, though, I texted one of my amazing nurse friends and asked for advice. You’d think I was a first timer, because she had some really good advice that I hadn’t thought of yet! Of course, everything we needed, we didn’t have, and the drugstore closes fairly early on Sundays, as it should, so I sent Brady off to a nearby town to get the medication and supplies we needed. I put the boys to bed, and Laela and I sat up and snuggled while watching some Netflix together. She kept asking to go to bed, which I LOVED, but I told her why we needed her to stay awake, and she complied.

She cooperated well when with her medication, and went to bed. We put a monitor in her room and explained to her that she could call to us anytime and we’d come be with her. However, she didn’t call on us. She was totally silent almost all night. I heard her cough a little bit at one point when Solly was up, but I watched on the monitor and she didn’t even move, so I didn’t go in. Just hoped she hadn’t thrown up. But I didn’t want to risk waking her up and rustling everything around, turning on lights just to see that she had coughed. So I left her be.

And it was the right move! When I went to her room, she was sitting up in bed. I asked her how she was, to which she replied “healthy!” There was no vomit anywhere, and she was complaining that she had run out of water in her bottle. I asked her if she wanted breakfast, and she said she did!

From there, I only have positives to share 🙂 She ate a very small bowl of milk and Cheerios, as well as an apple sauce cup for breakfast. Unfortunately she didn’t go for the pedialyte at all, but now that she can stomach some food, water works! I kind of love that she doesn’t like juice 😉 After she ate, instead of plunking down on the couch and snuggling in for a sick day, she went to the toys and sat on the floor to play. It was pretty slow, toned down play, but she was singing along to toys and offering things to the boys.

The boys!! They’re in really good shape today 🙂 Dekker has a runny nose but seems to be in great spirits. Rowan is happy go lucky. And Solly is ADORABLE, while teething pretty solidly. So no one is 100%, but they boys are doing very well!

Laela asked for crackers for lunch, and a fruit bar. She was very sad when I told her she would need a nap today, but she cried for a very short period of time, and then accepted it. She knows what she needs, I think. So she kept down two meals (small ones, but still), bathrooms functions are up and running once again, and she’s having a sleep! Its a good day!

I feel optimistic. This week is still big and yucky and difficult for our family. Part of it aren’t getting any easier, and it won’t really change. But Laela being so much better today helps my apprehension go down.

WE CAN DO HARD THINGS, THROUGH HIM WHO GIVES US STRENGTH!!

The kids being sick has momentarily overshadowed the rest of our life struggles. Momentarily. In the shape they’re in, we didn’t feel it would be appropriate at all to pass them off today, so we didn’t. Rather, we’ve had a quiet, sick day, filled with tv shows and water bottles and dim lighting.

Laela woke up in a puddle of vomit, shivering. We cleaned her up and threw her entire bed worth of bedding into the laundry. She declined breakfast and lay in the living room, but after a while, said she was hungry. She sat at the table, and hadn’t even taken a bite before she barfed all over her lap and hands. Brady grabbed a bowl and I sat beside her while she heaved and heaved and barfed some more. Another jammie change and back to the living room.

Dekker is feeling somewhat better today, which is great! He’s somewhat upbeat and energetic. Still no appetite, and he has a runny nose and a cough, but he hasn’t fevered yet today, so I’m calling it progress.

Rowan is still feverish and tired, but he hasn’t barfed yet, so again, I’m going to say he’s doing ok.

And Solly is winning. The worst he’s going through right now is teething. As Brady says, he’s practically chewing his own arms off, so we’re trying to help with him that, but his best and most effective teething aid is always sleep. Beyond teething, he’s happy and smiling. Trying SO HARD to crawl, which is a bit mind boggling for us, since none of our older kids have ever tried to be mobile so early! He’s nuts, but he’s happy, so we’ll take it.

Brady and I are ok. We’ve got some stuff, and we’re feeling quite downtrodden and discouraged. Still very much loving the backup and offers to help. I’m not sure what we’d do without you guys!! You all know who you are 😉 Thanks for listening and caring.

Two down for naps, and one to go! Then the quiet will get even quieter, and hopefully healing will come.

Brady and I experienced something for the first time today, and it was SO STRANGE! We spent the majority of the day home, together, without the kids.😯 That never happens. But it was a nice day for it to happen, and for Brady and I to be able to just be together for the day.

I was very discouraged upon waking up. The three older kids are all sick. 😞 It is SUCH a bummer. They’re all fevered, tired, and no one is hungry. I just can’t even believe this is all back so soon. But I thank my gracious parents for being willing to take them in for the day, regardless of their level of health.

We’ve had a nice, relaxed, unproductive day. Hopefully tomorrow will be slightly more productive, but will definitely still be an at home cozy day.

Once again, supper is making its way from someone else’s home to ours, which is a complete blessing. Our loved ones are just showering us with concert and support, and we continue to be humbled by it all.

Brady just headed out to go retrieve the kids from my parents house, so we can spend the evening with them. It feels a tad eerie being home all alone. This NEVER happens. Sure, sometimes I’m home and its this quiet, but only if the kids are still asleep. I literally don’t ever remember being in this house when its been empty.

Through all of these struggles and difficult times, I can honestly say I am thrilled with our choice to move to our town, with our friends and family close by, and into this house. Its all just bang on. We couldn’t feel more at home here.

Thank you to everyone who has been playing a role in our lives in the recent past. You are not forgotten. You are greatly appreciated. I know I’ve said it a lot, but it’ll never be said enough.

My mom and Willa came by this morning so I could duck away kid-free for a couple of hours, which was once again very helpful and appreciated. When I returned home, the kids were up and fed, dishes were done, and moods were happy. It was refreshing.

I will add that Dekker is sick, once again :/ I’m pretty disappointed with that. He’s in good shape but his bowels are angry and he’s pretty warm to the touch. But his spirits are up, which I can be very thankful for. There is definitely some good stirred in there with the bad.

Willa stayed for only a short while after I came back home, (you could’ve stayed all day 😉) but my mom stayed into the afternoon. It was so nice to have her around, to visit with, and to play with the kids, and to just be in my house. I’ve appreciated every single sacrifice that has been made on our behalf. These times will not be forgotten.

My mom had to duck out to prepare for her evening plans, but Brady was lucky to have a shorter work day, and is on his way home. He’ll run an errand or two on his way home, but then we are home together for the weekend! It should be a pretty big weekend, so please continue to hold us up in prayer.

When Dekker began fevering again on Tuesday night, I just wept. I was SO frustrated. I can’t imagine yet another round of sickness entering our household at a time like this. But I was so relieved when Dekker woke up this morning, feeling upbeat and cool to the touch. He said he was feeling great, and ready for school. Woot!!

In our current big picture, this is a pretty small concern, but I am SO THANKFUL to have him back in good health, at the very least for today,

On top of Dekker being able to go to school today, my Jerilee came over for the morning. She just flew home VERY early this morning, slept a few hours, and made her way to my house, bearing coffee and pastry, before heading to work for the afternoon. I cannot say enough just how cared for and loved I feel these days. Our fridge is overflowing with amazing leftovers that will likely last us a good few days, and at this rate, I’ll never have to bake again. Ever.

I kept such a specific list after Solly was born, and through all of our moves last year, of all of the people I NEEDED to remember to thank specifically. I feel like I should be keeping a new list now, with people going out of their way constantly to help us. This morning, Jerilee gave up her small chance to sleep in to be with me, and tomorrow, people are waking up early and cancelling plans and making sacrifices for me again. I don’t want to be a proud person, and I HAPPILY accept all of the love and help that we are being showered in, but I assure you all, I don’t always hope to be in such need. But it would appear this is just the season for us. A really, really hard season. Or chapter. And stage of life. Whatever you want to call it. I’m going to stop holding my breath, LIVING for a reprieve. It will come when the time is right. Thank you to everyone who consistently loves on us. Thank you for not moving on and getting bored. Thank you for following what God is asking of you, and loving your neighbours. We are truly humbled and grateful.

I am so happy Brady had today off. It conveniently happened in his work schedule, and it was much needed. My mom and Willa offered to watch our kids for a couple of hours over lunch so we could head out and do a couple of things together, kid-free. It was nice to be able to hold hands when we walked. Simple things that change once you have kids 😉 I love holding their hands, but I really love holding hands with my husband.

We came back home and spent some time at my parents house, visiting with mom and Willa and making some plans for the rest of the week. It was nice and quiet, and good to be among friends and family. We headed home a while later because Rowan was more than ready for a nap.

Once we were home and the little boys were down, I was informed by a loving friend that, once again, supper is being taken care of for us tonight. I’m consistently humbled by the love that our friends and family bestow on us. I feel like our family is just constantly in crisis mode, and that can get BORING, for us and those around us, I have no doubt. But we have an epic support system that never falters. God is so very good.

On top of everything, Dekker started to fever last night. I could just cry. We’ve had a solid week and a half of no sickness, and its already back. I’m so overwhelmed with our life right now. Please pray that Dekker’s fever does its job and fights off whatever is on the horizon for him FAST. Fast enough that we never even see it.