Ok guys, I’m going to do my very best with todays post. Though I’ll tell you right off the bat there are no belly pictures. That would involve standing, which is not on the books for me today. Complete and utter TMI, I was unbelievably sick last night, puking and pooping and up constantly. I literally slept maybe a half hour. I admit that I did venture out for a physio appointment this morning because rebooking would have left me waiting so long, but I’ve been in bed ever since, minus a bath. I can hardly stand, and I’m dizzy and disoriented. So basically, this might not be the very best series post yet. If it going downhill fast, I’ll ask Brady to type it out for me, but hopefully it won’t come to that. Let’s just begin.

Size/Comparison: This weeks size comparison is pretty vague, I’m not sure what to tell you. The particular chart I like to follow compares the baby to an action figure. That’s a pretty wide range of sizes, so I found another one that suggested the size of a bell pepper. I don’t know man, but the kid is getting big in there!

How am I feeling mentally: In all honesty, I’ve had a very anxious week. Or maybe even just an anxious last few days. The lake was amazing, and healing, and I felt a definite improvement in lots of things. I felt like my mind and heart took a deep breath as Theo’s due date came and went, which was strangely peaceful and relieving, but I’m so nervous about my body aching and seemingly giving up on me so early in the game. I’m nervous to be useless and unmoving. There is so much to worry about, but I’m very much looking forward to my appointment with Dr. Guselle this week. She values mental health so strongly, and I know I’ll be able to talk to her and she’ll provide me with literally any and all resources that I might need. Its not been the best week for my mental health, and if you’ve read the posts over the last couple of days, you probably picked up on that. I’m trying, though. Trying so hard. I want so badly to be positive.

How am I feeling physically: Haha! Today, I feel like absolute garbage. Its been interesting. But over this last week of pregnancy as a whole, I feel like my physical health is improving in some ways. I feel like my nausea is maybe on the way out, and while my pelvis is starting to slip out of place and hurt me when I walk, its still early in the game, and I’m hopeful that my physiotherapist will be able to help me manage at least some of the pain I’m having.

Appointments: I had physio this morning, though I probably shouldn’t have gone. She picked up on my sickness right away and let me lie down through my appointment, though. Guys, I have to say, my physiotherapist is the absolute best. She is SO understanding, and SO positive, and SOOO knowledgable. She validated my anxieties and fears about my body, and took her time in giving me a few tips to start out with. She worked on my body a little bit and said she can already tell that I’m walking defensively, in preparation for my body to hurt, BUT she doesn’t speak in an accusing way. I don’t know how she does it, but she says things like “I know exactly why you’re walking like that, and you’re clearly not even doing it intentionally” and I never am made to feel like I’ve done the wrong thing. She wrapped up our appointment today by saying that if only one thing gets through to me today (because I was SO out of it) she wanted me to be reassured that the pain I had in my last pregnancy isn’t just the inevitable. We CAN manage it, and we WILL manage it. There is hope. I really really needed to hear that today. She reminded me that perfect is not something she is asking for, and that I should just try my best. It felt great, and hopeful. I’m glad I went.

Baby Buys/Wish List: I bought two pairs of denim capris for fall, since Thyme was having a beautiful sale! They fit SO nicely, and I haven’t been able to find capris for a couple of years now. But seriously, they have a soft belly panel, and I paid about $13 each. I’m trying not to shop too much at all this summer, but seriously, this couldn’t be passed up. I’ll wear them all through fall.

How are the kids feeling: At the lake, I braved up and wore two piece bathing suits, and Rowan would ever so gently put his finger in my belly button and say he could see the baby in there. Which was pretty great, and hilarious, and made me feel like it was worth it to have my soft wrinkly tummy out in the sun, even if I was self conscience. Also, I posted on Facebook and Instagram the other day, but in case you somehow missed it, I’ll just share the picture again.

Ro found the one stuffed toy that belonged to Theo, poached it off my dresser, and whispered “I love you, Theo” to it over and over again. I don’t claim to know how much kids know about Heaven, or what insight they have that we as adults don’t, but that both broke and warmed my heart. Even though it really hurts, I’m so glad the kids talk about their baby brother so normally, even though they never got to meet him. They mention him every time we talk about Jesus and Heaven, and how a BIG pro of going to Heaven will be meeting Theo. I love that. Our kids are awesome. Forgive the tangent, please. Ro is going to be a wonderful big brother to our little papoose.

The BEST thing about being pregnant this week: I don’t know. I feel SO gnarly right now, its hard to think of positives. But I think whats exciting about being pregnant this week is the realization that time is actually passing, and our pregnancy is moving forward. Guys, I’m 16 weeks!! Fully into my second trimester, not too far from finding out the gender of our baby. I’m starting to feel better with my nausea (minus last night, obviously) and I feel like soon we’ll be in the stage of things where I can feel a bit more normal and well. While I’ve been having some worry and anxiety this week, I do feel hope, and I think thats a really important thing this week.

Anything else: In the last few days, my baby has been LOVING candy. Like far too much. Thankfully, since we have kids, it seems we are so often given candy, and while our kids can definitely have some candy, they NEVER eat all of it. So we usually have candy stashed away in our pantry, and this week, it was just perfect 🙂 Nerds and Skittles were huge winners! Yum yum yum.

Pictures: Nope. Not today. I can’t stand up, and I don’t look nice. Maybe I’ll try and get one tomorrow but nope, not today.

Sorry its been such a strange post. Had I written this yesterday, it might have been totally different. I don’t feel miserable in my pregnancy, just in my general weakness and soreness today, thats all. We had so many fun plans for today and they all got foiled. We didn’t get to make pickles with my mom, Brady didn’t get to work on their deck, the kids didn’t get to hang out with Grandma and Grandpa, etc. Hopefully I’m in better shape tomorrow! A night of sleep should help. Wish me luck!

This may be a frightfully large photo post. Or I may decide halfway through to break it into two posts. I’m not sure yet. But there are just SO many pictures I want to share. I was picky, and took out LOTS that I would have loved to add, and we’re still over 60!! Maybe I’ll purge as I post. I make no promises. But hey, you came for pictures, so here they are!

First, this is how our packing turned out!

I am SO thankful for our big van, and all the cargo area it offers! Also, I am very thankful for where we stayed, and that we had room to spread out and pack in tubs. Win!

Our first night in, we fed the kids easy food, and Brady and I ordered asian take out after they went to bed. It was actually pretty delicious. Though seriously, who named that restaurant? Do they really think “Asian Station” rhymes??

FYI, it doesn’t rhyme. But the food made up for it. Can’t complain about that!

The next day, we hit the beach in the morning! Our kids built sandcastles for a little while, but the the real game became filling holes with water. Brady and I would dig, and the kids would run back and forth to the waters edge with pails, and bring back water to pour into the holes. Rowan would scoop sand back into the lake (yup) and Solly either hung out on the blanket and played with shovels, or he would venture out once in a while.

Naptime at the lake was SO wonderful! We turned off all the lights, snuggled the big kids up in the living room, and they watched some tv and zoned out. They were SO wiped from all the action and fresh air, Laela ended up napping a couple of the afternoons away, so we made sure they at least got LOTS of rest in!

We also went out for supper that day! The kids ate well, with the exception of Laela, who fought SO hard, for whatever reason, and ended up leaving the restaurant with Brady. Luckily he had finished eating already, but I hung back with the boys and helped them finish up.

Clearly, Solly is excellent at drinking water from a cup.

Check it out! I got a bonus chicken nugget in the shape of a dinosaur with my fish and chips! Lol!

Ro and I as we waited for Dekker to use the bathroom before leaving the restaurant. Solly is hanging out in the stroller, just not visible in this picture. Still, it was fun, me and the boys.

We went to the playground afterwards but it was short lived. Laela and Brady came juuust as Solly was feeling very finished. But they got in a little bit of play before it was time to head to bed. Luckily, they didn’t fight bedtime.

The next day felt heavy, being Theo’s due date. The weather was also grey, and therefore, not a beach day. But we hit the playground…

and walked around town, and even took in some ice cream in the evening. It was relaxed and delicious and special time as a family. I wish Theo could have joined us, but it felt like an important day.

Believe it or not, Solly isn’t a big ice cream at this point. I think its just too cold for him, but he vastly preferred to just chew a spoon, or do pull ups on the table. I’m not even kidding. I have a video. He’s hilarious 🙂

We ended it with a walk, to shake off some of the sugar. It was really lovely.

After this pictures, kind of run together. There were lots of times I didn’t pull my camera out, and I think thats a really good thing 🙂 So I can’t tell you for sure which days each of these events happened, but enjoy the cute compilation of my beautiful children playing on the beach or the playground or wherever else they ended up!

So here’s another beach day 🙂 This particular time, pretty much every picture is of the kids going in the opposite direction of me, haha! They were just SO busy! So, lots of butts, basically.

Can you appreciate how hard it is to get a picture of everyone at once?! Its SO hard!! Especially when Rowan is stationed somewhere else, away from the blanket…

Solly got adventurous 🙂 It was cute.

He also got very very dirty. It wasn’t all his fault. We buried his feet and legs many times. He liked it.

Brady dug an enormous rock out from the sand, and was VERY short when he stood in it. It was DEEP!!!

And it was also wide enough to fit three funny-faced kids inside of it!

This is the best I could get for my efforts to take a picture of my family during lunch. Mealtime is just never the right time for a photo. Rowan told me once I gave up and put my phone away “I didn’t smile for dat.” Its true. He didn’t.

In this moment, both Laela and Rowan were screaming, lol! They did not appreciated having their feet dipped in against their will. And Dekker was giggling like a mad man, having reached the point of no return in the water. You guys know what I mean. Lol!

I made SO MANY compilations of the kids, so these were my favorites 🙂 Just to avoid posting more pictures than necessary.

Solly ate a TON of sand! But he was so happy to be at the beach 🙂 Couldn’t keep him in the shade no matter how much we tried.

Our last beach day. The continual hauling of water never stopped, and the kids were thrilled. It was beautiful. Solly even boldly crawled all the way to the water and we had to convince him to sit and splash rather than just diving in full force.

I’m already missing the lake. You know that feeling when you’ve been away, and you’ve really enjoyed your time, but you’re ready to head home? I wasn’t quite there when we left. I could’ve happily lasted another day or two. But we will next summer 🙂 We’ve ALREADY booked our spot for a week long vacation, and I feel like I’ll be counting down until then. Less than a year away, lol! We’ll have five kids by then! WOW! I cannot wait 🙂

I hope this wasn’t too too many pictures for you all, but they are so important for me to save, as well. Hopefully it just made you feel like you were there, smelling the air, eating the ice cream, and chasing the small people around. It was a wonderful, refreshing time! I’m so thankful we had the chance to go!

This is kind of a strange thing to post about but just the fact that it NEEDS its own post should tell you that I mean it!!

Everyone needs to go to Costco to buy gladiolus. Everyone. I don’t mean to be a weirdo about it, but its important.

I ran to Costco this morning before we were meeting my parents and brother’s family for lunch, to do a quick shop. Costco flowers are always lovely, but they got a new flower supplier a while back and its really stepped up the flower game there! I’m often tempted to go buy “just for fun” flowers, and I let it happen, occasionally. Dekker is always itching to buy me flowers 🙂 which I love.

Today, with my groceries, I had plans to buy my mom and sister in law flowers, since their birthdays were both yesterday. And I came across glads. HUGE bundles of glads! On the corners of the flower display. Now, the mennonite in me had to figure out whether they fell into the $12 category or the $22 category, so I asked the woman working to fill the flower stand, and she assured me that were the lesser expense. I couldn’t believe it! There were over 20 stems in each bundle, easily. I couldn’t resist, and I bought myself a bundle as well. Only a small handful of Costco employees laughed at the ridiculous amount of flowers in my cart. I can handle it. Usually they laugh at the amount of milk we buy, so this felt a bit better, haha!

I dropped off the flowers to their respective homes before heading home to set my own up. They were massive, and I wasn’t sure we’d even have the right vase for them. Turns out, we didn’t, actually! But thankfully, we had two nice sturdy vases that I could split the bundle up between, which worked great. I set up the flowers, we shoed the kids, and headed out for lunch.

I took a picture of the flowers before we left, and another picture when we got back home. What a treat to see how much they had already opened!!

Before…

and after!!

I always am a little nervous when I buy flowers, and they’re all squished and a little beat up, and then they just DRINK their water and spread out and flourish. I do not have a green thumb, but I do love flowers 🙂 I hope very much to have a beautiful flower bed in my front yard one day, with glads and peonies growing well and plentifully, so I can pick bundles and share them with my friends. Buuut that’ll be another couple of years, haha! First grass, and a bunch of other things. Maybe flowers can come at the same time as the grass. Its not like they’ll be an additional large expense, alongside sod, a fence, a driveway, etc. I can dream 🙂

Anyway, maybe no one will care about this or listen to me, but I mean it. Get yourself some flowers from Costco. These two vases full of flowers set me back $12. That’s it. Highly highly recommend getting some bright colors brought into your homes!

Believe it or not, after our amazing trip to the lake, I had a cry on the drive home. I’m sure part of it was just coming off of our trip, and my body and mind kind of letting down. But part of it was based around a fear I didn’t realize I had quite to this extent. I knew I was nervous, but as I put details together, I realized just how nervous.

Remember last year? Do you guys remember just how sick we were for just how long? It was months. Four months, I believe, with no break. Day after day after day of someone vomiting in the middle of the night, to fevers, to rashes, to more barfing, to pouring noses and dry coughs, to dehydration, and aaaaall the way back again. It was exhausting, to say the very least. It was unlike anything I had experienced before. Towards the end of those months, but still in them, I lost our baby. Another hit. The biggest hit. It felt like a beating that just wouldn’t end.

I had a pretty low time coming out of my miscarriage. Its not surprising. I own that low time. There was zero way around it. I mourned hard. Losing him completely pulled the rug out from under me. I haven’t ever gone into full details, but for the sake of this post, I will to a degree. From finding out my baby was lost to his actual delivery was a full week. I had to make the ugly choice to take medication to start “labour” and encourage him to come out of my body. I bled for weeks. It was an unbelievable time where I often went back and forth, wishing I had just asked for the dreaded d&c, to get the whole thing over and done with. But instead, I saw the physical effects of losing him for so so long. Then I waited out two cycles, which felt like torture, when I so desperately wanted to try for another baby. My cycles were abnormally long and painful and awful, and even my loving supportive husband would probably admit that I struggled very hard in those months. When the cycles has finally passed, we could try again. And it took a little while. Not as long as it takes many couples, I know, but it felt like an eternity. They were difficult months.

Now, here we are, pregnant and happy. The kids haven’t had an abundance of sicknesses for a little while, which is a relief. And we are fairly confident that the pregnancy is healthy and moving forward. That being said, I’ve been nauseous with my pregnancy for the last 2+ months, and juuust as I’m thinking the sickness might be lifting, I’m losing stability in my pelvis.

I’m not writing this to complain, for the record. I don’t want to whine. But I’m trying to just give you perspective of where I am and how I’m feeling.

I remember the pain of my past pregnancies. Solly’s was the worst. They’ve only hurt worse each time. With the beginnings of the pain returning so early on, I’m so so nervous. I have been a mess for so long. I don’t know how to convey it more literally. I’ve been a wreck on so many levels for so long, and now here we are, and it appears I won’t get even a small break between these struggles. I’ve never had morning sickness like this, and I’m so relieved to see it potentially wrapping up, but I’m so discouraged that my body is already starting to pop and hurt and complicate my daily life.

As I said, I had a cry about this all as we drove home, and my loving husband encouraged me that he believes I am giving 100% of what I am capable of, and that he’s thankful for that. He understands that pregnancy is a sacrifice. I HATE saying its a sacrifice because I know how many people struggle to have babies and can’t, and how many women would give just about anything to make that sacrifice. I don’t mean “sacrifice” as a bad thing. I am NOT ungrateful. I am THRILLED to be given the opportunity to have children, and I do NOT take it for granted. But it is a big job, and my body does pay. And its starting to wear on me in other ways, it seems. I’m so scared of whats to come. I don’t want to be useless to my family, but for those who haven’t experienced this pain, its nothing to sniff at. Its unreal. And those of you who know, then you know exactly what I’m talking about. How can one be useful when their legs cant hold up their body? When moving only makes the pain worse? When they can’t lift anything at all? I’m scared to be useless.

I felt a bit better having talked to Brady about this all yesterday, but it came to mind first this this morning. I called my physiotherapist’s office this morning to get an appointment, in an effort to keep my body in some kind of shape as long as humanly possible, and God worked a miracle! My amazing physiotherapist who is SO knowledgable in pregnancy, postpartum, and womens health, who regularly books weeks in advance, had a free spot on Monday morning!!! I jumped for it, and I already feel some drops of hope falling on me. Its early enough in the game that I can possibly hold off the worst of my pain for at least a little while longer. At the very very least.

In my last pregnancy, I didn’t use physio, and with all of our moving and renting, I wasn’t able to have those regular soaks that kept my body alive in the past. I have access to more helpful resources this time around, and I’m hoping and actively praying that I won’t have to fall apart this time. Feel free to join me in prayer on this. My nerves are shot, and I’m scared, and in pain. I don’t want this to be what ends my baby-having years.

While we LOVED being at the lake, it feels great to be home 🙂 GREAT.

As you likely can all relate to, at least to some degree, coming home always comes with a decent chunk of work. Unpacking takes a lot of time, and brings with it a lot of laundry. Usually, after a trip, I dump everything from all of the suitcases straight into the laundry, because its just easier. This time, though, I set up a new system. It made it WAY easier to pack, to use and store our clothes while we were away, to repack, and now to unpack! My method is suuuper not a method at all, but I recommend it to all! At least everyone with space to pack…

You might already know. We pack in tubs when we go places. I fold and stack everything in the big tubs, and can easily fit all the kids clothes into one big bin. Then Brady and I put our clothes into another, alone with some of the kids bedding or whatever soft extras we need to bring. Its a good system. This time, instead of meticulously folding everything, I stacked pants, shorts, underwear, etc. on the bottoms of the tubs and threw hanging clothes on top, all hangers attached. Upon arrival, I just hung everything up. The kids folded stuff went into drawers, and Brady and I just kept our folded stuff in the tub since we slept in a living room area, not a bedroom. We brought a hamper (though a garbage bag would’ve been fine) and as we wore/messed up clothes, we put all the laundry into the hamper. By the end of our stay, we had a tub filled with clean, unworn clothes that weren’t wrinkled and ruined, and a hamper of laundry. Boom. Done. Easy!! No extra laundry, and the clothes that survived don’t look like they’ve been folded up in a suitcase for a week. Seriously, this is a huge time saver, leaving and returning. Do it up.

Beyond the regular setup and unpack of getting home, our house was being worked on while we were away, so we had pushed all kinds of furniture into the centre of the rooms. Basically, we had to reassemble our house right when we got home. But it was actually ok 🙂 The kids were agreeable and happy, and Brady just hauled in the cooler so that didn’t go bad, and he took on the task of putting our living room and kids rooms back together. It didn’t take too long before things were under control. Our room isn’t put back together yet, but that can easily happen once the kids are in bed. It won’t take long.

Like I said, it feels so nice to be home. I love our home, and nothing will ever compare to it. But I will say that the dream of one day having a cabin by the lake is very much upon us. One day, perhaps…

Be ready for photos sometime soon! Sorry its not today, but it will be in the next couple of days.

Tomorrow, we finish up the unpacking and likely go grocery shopping. Because we have NOTHING fresh in this house! Hahaha! Yikes!

We haven’t had as much actual beach time as we had originally hoped for, but luckily our kids have been thoroughly content to play in the big playground, and haven’t missed the water too much. However, this morning, as I walked to the bakery for breakfast, I could tell it was just the right weather for it. Brady agreed, and as soon as we were done eating, we got the kids into their swim stuff and piled into the bus.

Just you guys wait until I get home! The wifi here is really rough, so I can barely load one picture, much less five days worth, but I’ll make up for it once we’re home 🙂

It was bright and clear and sunny and gorgeous when we arrived at the beach. It was around 10:30 and very few people had made their way to the water yet. We got a primo spot and set up our blankets and umbrella. This time around, we picked a spot right in front of the water, so the kids could easily run to the waters edge without one of us having to follow right behind them. We were like seven steps from the water. It was perfect. Dekker and Laela did laps back and forth with pails full of water, and dumped them into holes Brady and I would dig. Doesn’t sound like much, but it was quite a riot for the kids, haha! Rowan took to standing riiight on the edge of the water and dumping shovels of sand back into the water, hahaha! Again, doesn’t really sound all that great but Ro loved it. Solly stayed mostly on the blanket, but braved up once or twice to go check out large abandoned sandcastles from the day before. Every time we tried to move him into the shade of the umbrella, he snuck out into the sun. Our kids are sooooo white but likely not after today! We loaded them up with sunscreen, so hopefully it did its job! I haven’t found any burns since, but its only been a few hours.

Brady took it upon himself to make his second attempt at digging a small tunnel in the sand, but it was foiled when he came upon an enormous rock and we decided to dig it out instead. It took a long time, and wiped Brady right out, but it finally worked! It became a popular spot to sit, and the hole was quickly filled in with buckets of water run back and forth from the lake.

We had a nice break for lunch right around noon, where we feasted on crispy minis, bananas, granola bars, etc. The kids have LOVED all the snacky foods, and really, so have I. We ate lots, drank lots of water, and Solly FINALLY figured out how to drink from a water bottle!! Its been a small scale nightmare getting fluids into this kid recently because, as a 14 month old, he is pretty over being bottle fed, but he has zero patience for drinking from a cup, and for whatever reason, he was just not figuring out any kind of sippy cup! Not the traditional kind, not a straw, nothing. But today, it FINALLY happened, and he is SO pleased with his discovery. His parents are also THRILLED because we are, too, ready for bottles to be done. He hates them, we hate forcing them, and we all feel sad when the kid isn’t pooping. So this wins. Period. Highlight of the day.

Shortly after the kids’ beach lunch, we packed it in and headed back to our place so the little boys could nap. Laela, however, disintegrated while getting out of her swimsuit, and there was no getting her back. She had hit a wall. It was clear she also needed a rest. So 3/4 went down for naps and Dekker snuggled up on a chair and watched a bit of tv, as did Brady and I. It was a lovely afternoon.

The kids all slept a LONG time, and I am very much looking forward to pizza for supper! With the nice long naps, I’m hoping we can do another evening walk with ice cream for everyone. We did that a couple of nights ago and it was such a win. I have so many great pictures from it, and I’m sure we’ll get some more today, too 🙂

Seriously. Today has been a wonderful day. And pizza and ice cream can only add to it. 🍕🍨 It is the perfect way to wrap up our last full day here at the lake. Laela says she likes it here better than she likes our “regular” house. I get what she means, because I LOVE being at the lake, too. But I miss my bathtub, so I guess leaving won’t be a COMPLETE bummer 😜

Thanks for being patient with me skipping my series post yesterday. It was important for me. When I was making my plan before I left for the lake, I knew it was more important to bump this post than to bump Theo’s due date post. We can talk about my pregnancy updates anytime. One day won’t make a big difference. But Theo only had one due date. So again, thanks for being patient. And thanks for the love on that post. I know many of you read it and contacted me one way or another. I really really appreciate the support and understanding. I hope its not too forward or insensitive (its SO easy to offend these days) but so many of you have experienced losses recently, and I often say prayers for you guys, every time you come to mind, that you would be given another baby to carry in your womb when the time is right. Or those of you who have ached to conceive and haven’t been able to. I pray that it happens. I know the pain, and I know the relief, and I know the joy. I pray that you can all find God’s peace in your unique situations, because no matter what way you do family, they’re all loaded with emotion. Even if you and I aren’t close, and even if you read this and I never ever know, you are always welcome to come to me to chat with, relate to, and pray with.

Its been a loaded week, obviously. But onto the latest about little papoose!

Size/Comparison: The baby is the size of an avocado, or so I hear! I keep having these moments of “how am I showing this much already?” but then I consider that the baby is, in fact, growing, which causes me in turn to grow. And I’m thrilled about that!! I can definitely feel my little uterus bump each and every day, and I feel like I’m starting to actually look pregnant. Not like “Wow, that lady over there is pregnant” but people who know me would likely notice. Woot!

How am I feeling mentally: You guys know this week has been big for me. My due date for Theo was yesterday, and it was an interesting week leading up to it, as I would’ve had him likely on either July 31 or August 1. There was a lot of emotion this week, and I’ve had some days of mourning, but I am feeling more confident as the weeks wear on regarding my current pregnancy. I know the feeling of having that rug pulled out from under you, and I doubt I’ll ever forget that moment of finding out my baby had died, so I can’t not think about it ever, but its not lingering at the top of my mind each and every day. I have some peace, and I’m holding tightly to it.

How am I feeling physically: Ugh. Sad news about physical feelings. While I feel like my nausea might be coming to a close-ish (not willing to risk it here at the lake, but I’m going to try to get off my meds once we’re home) I’m starting to have that dreaded right leg pain 🙁 If you’ve followed my blog through a pregnancy before, you know that my right leg and the right side of my butt give me a lot of grief, and leave me in amazing amounts of pain for a good chunk of my pregnancy. I used to think it was a sciatica thing but I’ve learned over the years that its actually 110% my pelvis loosening up on me too early in the game. This is a “normal” pregnancy symptom for me at this point, but I dread it so much. My pregnancy with Solly was the most painful one, easily. I was at the point of debating whether or not to grocery shop while driving one of those scooters. I was crawling to places in the house. I also asked for a temporary handicapped parking pass because I just couldn’t walk without immense pain. So its a gross understatement to say that I’m nervous. But I have a wonderful physiotherapist that I’ll be calling very quickly upon arriving home, and I’m hopeful that she’ll be able to treat me and teach me how to care for myself.

Appointments: I’ll see my doctor next week! I’m very interested to talk to her about this pelvic/leg/butt pain and see if we can actually put a name to it. In the little bits of research I’ve done, I think this is undeniably SPD (Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction, not sensory processing disorder) but we’ve never really given it a title before and I think it would help me feel a bit more sane. I also really need to talk to her about sleep, because the quality of mine suuuuucks, and I think I’ll function so much better if I can just get some actual rest. Maybe she has tips for me, because I have never had this problem to this level before.

Buys/Wish List: I ordered a harmony ball necklace!! Jerilee gave it to me for my birthday, so I’m just anxiously awaiting its arrival 🙂 Woot woot!

How are the kids feeling: Maybe you saw (or maybe you didn’t see) my post earlier last week about the kids being in full baby mode. I gave them some bottles to play with and they’re regularly feeding their babies and stuffed toys and such. Its still cute. Doesn’t get old for me. Probably won’t ever.

The BEST thing about being pregnant this week: I’ve really really enjoyed being pregnant at the lake, watching my children play on the playground and in the sand, and just picturing what our next summer will look like with a fifth child here in my arms. Baby would be roughly six months old in the mid-summer, so likely more of a bump on a log type of beach dweller, which his/her siblings build sandcastles, blow bubbles, and draw in the sand with feathers all around our blanket 🙂 I love the picture, and I can’t wait for it to be a reality.

Anything else: Hahaha! This is pretty random, but thinking ahead, lol! Rowan is long done cutting his two year molars, which is handy because Solly is a total disaster pushing his molars right now. With the space between Solly and the little papoose, its possible they won’t teethe too terribly much at the same time! I hope not, anyway, haha! The first few teeth are never a big deal for our babies, since they’re the incisors, and the amber necklaces have worked so well for our babies in the past. Hopefully Solly will be done his two year molars before little papoose starts any extreme teething!! There it is! A small pro! I’ve been so sad about the wider age gap between the two youngest, and its nice to find a thin silver lining. Unrelated, but another “anything else,” I ate eggs today for the first time in several weeks. Probably more like two months. And I didn’t vomit! So I’m hopeful about that whole sickness thing.

Pictures: Just the bumpily bump, as always. That sucker is getting round! I’ve given up sucking it in. Let ‘er go.

I’ve really been enjoying lake life. The vibe is good here. While its not as relaxing as it would be without kids (vacations never are, haha!) it just feels like special family time away from our usual. A good change of scenery is good for the soul. I feel a bit fresher, and I think the others do too.

Its possible I’m gaining a ton of weight out here. Not baby weight. Unless you count danishes as babies…..

Today is the day. August 7th, 2017. My due date for my baby that left our family far too early. With my history being what it is, I would have for sure had him by now. He’d have been home for a handful of days at least. But instead, he’s in Heaven. Which is better, I know, but feels much sadder for my still ultra-broken mama heart. Yikes, how I have longed for that little one.

I went for a walk this morning to pick up some breakfast for my crew. Its quite cool out, and very grey. Apparently it rained last night, so the ground was very wet, and the wind was crisp. I took a longer route to the bakery and let myself sink into my grief a little. Not in an unhealthy way, I don’t think. I let myself feel really really sad. I didn’t have to explain myself to anyone, and I didn’t have to excuse my feelings. I didn’t have to say that I know I have amazing kids, and that I’m thrilled to be pregnant once again, and that I know that my baby boy is safe and perfect and I’ll see him one day. I could just be sad because I WANT HIM, and I’m sad that he’s gone.

I’ve said a couple of times on here recently that I have started to see him separately from this pregnancy, and I haven’t known how to really expand on that. It gets complicated in my heart, because I desire him so badly, but I also very much desire this baby in my womb right now, and I know that I can’t have them both. But both people would be amaaazing people. I’m so glad the decision wasn’t mine.

Because of my miscarriage, this whole pregnancy has felt worlds apart different, in both good and bad ways. Sometimes, my anxiety is just so dang high as I wait to miscarry again. And then other days, I’m more excited than I’ve ever been to be pregnant, because I feel as though I’ve been pregnant forever and am just so so ready to meet our baby, finally. Yes, I know its a different baby than I was originally anticipating, but the ache to hold a little person in my arms and welcome them into our loving home is very real. While I have spent time being angry at my body for not successfully keeping my baby alive and safe, I am also incredibly thankful for all that is has done for me, and all of the little babies it has successfully housed for me.

God has taken care of me and my family. Period. That is what this boils down to for me. I don’t know how I could get through these kinds of things without a faith in God. Where else can a person fall?

Theo, I miss you so dearly. I would so love to have you here with us, but I know you are cared for and loved exactly where you are. You have taught me a new kind of love, and changed my whole view on family. I knew you for such a short time but WOW are you an important part of my life. I am so so thankful you came along when you did. I hope to tell you these things one day, but in the meantime, I hope you already know them. ❤️

Lord, please help bring some color into my otherwise grey day.

Haha! I have to laugh. Before I even talk about today, I’ve just been informed that this is the third post that I’ve named “our first day” so apparently its not actually the first. Lol! What can you do? Naming the blog is probably the hardest part of posting for me. Weird problem to have.

Our first day was awesome 🙂 The kids were super happy upon waking up, and I took off to the bakery once they were up and at ’em to pick up some treats for breakfast. Once we had enough sticky buns and danishes on hand, everyone sat down to a yummy feed. I love breakfast at Waskesiu. LOVE it. Once the food was done, we dressed everyone in swim stuff and made our way to the lake. Finally!! I’ve been waiting so long for it!

And it was well worth the wait. It wasn’t blazing hot but the sun was out, it was still and clear, and beautiful beach weather. I convinced all of the kids to come down to the water with me, and got everyone in at least to their knees 😉 Its decently far north here, so the water is colder than average. I walked Solly in with me, until he was about up to his knees. He just giggled and shivered and clung to me so tightly. Which I obviously loved, so I kept him out there for a super long time.

The kids dug in the sand a ton, and everyone ate snacks and played well. We had a couple of other families sitting near us, and they were so sweet to our kids, as they continually walked just right between their blankets to get to and from the water. They talked to us excitedly about wanting to grow their family from three kids to four, and we could easily converse and relate and encourage them a little. It was a fun experience for me. I even wore a bikini, which I haven’t done in a long time. I didn’t think it would take nerve for me, but it kind of did. Once I finally got over myself, I realized how little my belly wrinkles matter to anyone else, and I enjoyed my time in the sun.

It was becoming evident that Solly was needed some meds and a change of scenery, so we packed it in and headed back to our place for a nap. The two little boys went down without issue, and the rest of us watched some quiet tv in a nice dark living room. I even napped. It was glorious. When everyone got up, we decided to head out for an earlier supper, with the hopes of ice cream and a walk later in the evening.

Unfortunately, Laela bucked supper HARD, and Brady had to actually leave the restaurant with her. I finished up with the boys, and even ran into a man I knew from my dad’s work, and his wife. We had a really nice chat before parting ways. Laela and Brady were still going to be a while, so I took the boys to the playground. However, once again, that did not last long for poor Solly. He was SO sad, and wouldn’t even be pacified by me holding him and walking him, which my weird weak dizzy self couldn’t even do too much of. So right as Laela and Brady finally showed up, we packed up and headed back to our place for the evening. No ice cream, sadly. Maybe tomorrow.

While Brady put the kids down, I walked over the local candy store for fudge (we still needed a treat, haha!) and had a LOVELY visit with a friend from back in the day of high school and camp and such. It was so nice to chat and catch up on the last few years. I love reconnecting with people from years ago, and while I actually love that aspect of Facebook and texting and technology and all that, in person is always better. Was wonderful to see you 😘

Now, I’m back and the kids are in bed. The fudge is resetting in the fridge after I held it for waaay too long while I chatted. Brady is patiently waiting for me to finish blogging (sorry Brady) so we can relax, eat fudge, and watch a show together. We’ve been saving a couple of seasons of Parks and Recreation for this trip, since the wifi is patchy, and its just such a funny show 🙂

Tomorrow might be a heavy one for me :/ I’m hoping to actually post earlier in the day, just to get it done with, but we shall see. I hope you all sleep really well, and that you’re enjoying your long weekend as much as we are. ❤️

It felt like a long day getting here but we have arriiiiived!! We are SO happy to be here, and now that we’re all settled in for the night (I know, we’re party animals) I can tell you about the trek.

First, being suckers for punishment, we left WAY too much packing for this morning, so despite our deep hatred for packing like maniacs the day we leave for a trip, that was exactly what we found ourselves doing. The kids ate breakfast and then happily lent a hand anywhere we asked them to. My ridiculous lists paid off, and it seems like we remembered at least all of the important things. Right around noon, the part owner/site supervisor of our home building company came by and did another quick walk through with us. He and some other trades will be through our house while we’re gone to fix a few warranty “issues.” I put it in quotations because none of it was really unexpected. Mostly, we have a lot of screw pops from the house settling, as all new houses do, and a couple of other small fixes. No biggie. We walked through the house with him while the kids waited surprisingly patiently in the pile of furniture pushed into the centre of our living room. It was cute, and the kids loved being perched on the chairs on top of the couches. It was treacherous but they were happy. Finally, around 12:30, we hauled out.

We had planned to eat at home, but it was all just chaotic and we were ready to get on the road, so we stopped for some fast food and coffee before getting on the highway. The kids were happy with their food, and so were Brady and I. It was really good to finally be moving in the right direction. North!

Solly melted down about 1-1.5 hours into the trip. He finally cracked those bottom two molars, making the current total of half-out teeth FOUR! I repeat, he has four molars that are partially out. For those of you who have had the pleasure to be part of the life of a child pushing molars, you know how hard that is. Molars have so many edges, and have to break through the surface of the gums in multiple places. It is, quite literally, a pain. Poor Solly could not get it together. Thankfully, we had planned for a stop in Prince Albert anyway, to buy all the fresh stuff and some dairy products as well. We weren’t exactly stocking up on perishables at home right before leaving. Solly was thankful to get a break from the van, though he preferred to be held over riding in the cart. My blood pressure blows these days, and I’m so easily dizzy, leaving Brady to carry him the whole time. It worked out, though, and we got everything we needed. Even met a couple of nice people who really oo-ed and aw-ed over our kids, which always feels good. I don’t blame them.

After our grocery shop, Solly seemed to have settled (we gave him more meds before we had headed in, so they likely had kicked in by the end) and we got back on the road. From there, it was only one hour to Waskesiu, and there was NOT ONE “are we there yet” from the back seat. Not. One! It was awesome.

We arrived in a total downpour right around 4:30, and the lovely lady who we’ve usually been in contact with came and let us in. The kids were so stoked, and ran back and forth through the place for a solid ten minutes while Brady hauled in our stuff. We were pleasantly surprised to see that this place has been improved and upgraded!!! We loved it before, and we had never had any issues, but it is just that much better 🙂 In the living room, there used to be a futon that didn’t fold up, and usually an armchair as well. It wasn’t perfect, but there was lots of room to stretch out. Now, there is still a futon laid out and dressed up to be used as a bed, and now there is also a leather (ish) couch and two matching (ish) chairs! And a coffee table. And a newer tv, with cable!! It is so so nice! We also have a full kitchen, a full bathroom, and two bedrooms. There is a fan in each bedroom and one in the living room, too. We managed to go from room to room and find six chairs, so there is room for all of us. Seriously guys, if you remember how amped I was about that amazing hotel we found in Calgary, this isn’t too far down the list from there. Its not every day we find a place that houses our crew quite so comfortably, and this is just such a win. It always feels like a gift when its even better than the great place you remembered it to be 🙂

The kids were feeling super wiped from the travel day and the excitement of getting here that they weren’t even very hungry. So they ate a little and headed to bed. Brady and I, on the other hand, ordered take out from the local asian restaurant, and Brady is just to go pick it up now. I’m SO hungry!!!

We are SO happy to have finally made it out here to the lake. Its one of my favorite places, and holds a very special place in my heart. Tomorrow, the real fun begins!! Pray for good weather!!