Today is the day. August 7th, 2017. My due date for my baby that left our family far too early. With my history being what it is, I would have for sure had him by now. He’d have been home for a handful of days at least. But instead, he’s in Heaven. Which is better, I know, but feels much sadder for my still ultra-broken mama heart. Yikes, how I have longed for that little one.

I went for a walk this morning to pick up some breakfast for my crew. Its quite cool out, and very grey. Apparently it rained last night, so the ground was very wet, and the wind was crisp. I took a longer route to the bakery and let myself sink into my grief a little. Not in an unhealthy way, I don’t think. I let myself feel really really sad. I didn’t have to explain myself to anyone, and I didn’t have to excuse my feelings. I didn’t have to say that I know I have amazing kids, and that I’m thrilled to be pregnant once again, and that I know that my baby boy is safe and perfect and I’ll see him one day. I could just be sad because I WANT HIM, and I’m sad that he’s gone.

I’ve said a couple of times on here recently that I have started to see him separately from this pregnancy, and I haven’t known how to really expand on that. It gets complicated in my heart, because I desire him so badly, but I also very much desire this baby in my womb right now, and I know that I can’t have them both. But both people would be amaaazing people. I’m so glad the decision wasn’t mine.

Because of my miscarriage, this whole pregnancy has felt worlds apart different, in both good and bad ways. Sometimes, my anxiety is just so dang high as I wait to miscarry again. And then other days, I’m more excited than I’ve ever been to be pregnant, because I feel as though I’ve been pregnant forever and am just so so ready to meet our baby, finally. Yes, I know its a different baby than I was originally anticipating, but the ache to hold a little person in my arms and welcome them into our loving home is very real. While I have spent time being angry at my body for not successfully keeping my baby alive and safe, I am also incredibly thankful for all that is has done for me, and all of the little babies it has successfully housed for me.

God has taken care of me and my family. Period. That is what this boils down to for me. I don’t know how I could get through these kinds of things without a faith in God. Where else can a person fall?

Theo, I miss you so dearly. I would so love to have you here with us, but I know you are cared for and loved exactly where you are. You have taught me a new kind of love, and changed my whole view on family. I knew you for such a short time but WOW are you an important part of my life. I am so so thankful you came along when you did. I hope to tell you these things one day, but in the meantime, I hope you already know them. ❤️

Lord, please help bring some color into my otherwise grey day.

Haha! I have to laugh. Before I even talk about today, I’ve just been informed that this is the third post that I’ve named “our first day” so apparently its not actually the first. Lol! What can you do? Naming the blog is probably the hardest part of posting for me. Weird problem to have.

Our first day was awesome 🙂 The kids were super happy upon waking up, and I took off to the bakery once they were up and at ’em to pick up some treats for breakfast. Once we had enough sticky buns and danishes on hand, everyone sat down to a yummy feed. I love breakfast at Waskesiu. LOVE it. Once the food was done, we dressed everyone in swim stuff and made our way to the lake. Finally!! I’ve been waiting so long for it!

And it was well worth the wait. It wasn’t blazing hot but the sun was out, it was still and clear, and beautiful beach weather. I convinced all of the kids to come down to the water with me, and got everyone in at least to their knees 😉 Its decently far north here, so the water is colder than average. I walked Solly in with me, until he was about up to his knees. He just giggled and shivered and clung to me so tightly. Which I obviously loved, so I kept him out there for a super long time.

The kids dug in the sand a ton, and everyone ate snacks and played well. We had a couple of other families sitting near us, and they were so sweet to our kids, as they continually walked just right between their blankets to get to and from the water. They talked to us excitedly about wanting to grow their family from three kids to four, and we could easily converse and relate and encourage them a little. It was a fun experience for me. I even wore a bikini, which I haven’t done in a long time. I didn’t think it would take nerve for me, but it kind of did. Once I finally got over myself, I realized how little my belly wrinkles matter to anyone else, and I enjoyed my time in the sun.

It was becoming evident that Solly was needed some meds and a change of scenery, so we packed it in and headed back to our place for a nap. The two little boys went down without issue, and the rest of us watched some quiet tv in a nice dark living room. I even napped. It was glorious. When everyone got up, we decided to head out for an earlier supper, with the hopes of ice cream and a walk later in the evening.

Unfortunately, Laela bucked supper HARD, and Brady had to actually leave the restaurant with her. I finished up with the boys, and even ran into a man I knew from my dad’s work, and his wife. We had a really nice chat before parting ways. Laela and Brady were still going to be a while, so I took the boys to the playground. However, once again, that did not last long for poor Solly. He was SO sad, and wouldn’t even be pacified by me holding him and walking him, which my weird weak dizzy self couldn’t even do too much of. So right as Laela and Brady finally showed up, we packed up and headed back to our place for the evening. No ice cream, sadly. Maybe tomorrow.

While Brady put the kids down, I walked over the local candy store for fudge (we still needed a treat, haha!) and had a LOVELY visit with a friend from back in the day of high school and camp and such. It was so nice to chat and catch up on the last few years. I love reconnecting with people from years ago, and while I actually love that aspect of Facebook and texting and technology and all that, in person is always better. Was wonderful to see you 😘

Now, I’m back and the kids are in bed. The fudge is resetting in the fridge after I held it for waaay too long while I chatted. Brady is patiently waiting for me to finish blogging (sorry Brady) so we can relax, eat fudge, and watch a show together. We’ve been saving a couple of seasons of Parks and Recreation for this trip, since the wifi is patchy, and its just such a funny show 🙂

Tomorrow might be a heavy one for me :/ I’m hoping to actually post earlier in the day, just to get it done with, but we shall see. I hope you all sleep really well, and that you’re enjoying your long weekend as much as we are. ❤️

It felt like a long day getting here but we have arriiiiived!! We are SO happy to be here, and now that we’re all settled in for the night (I know, we’re party animals) I can tell you about the trek.

First, being suckers for punishment, we left WAY too much packing for this morning, so despite our deep hatred for packing like maniacs the day we leave for a trip, that was exactly what we found ourselves doing. The kids ate breakfast and then happily lent a hand anywhere we asked them to. My ridiculous lists paid off, and it seems like we remembered at least all of the important things. Right around noon, the part owner/site supervisor of our home building company came by and did another quick walk through with us. He and some other trades will be through our house while we’re gone to fix a few warranty “issues.” I put it in quotations because none of it was really unexpected. Mostly, we have a lot of screw pops from the house settling, as all new houses do, and a couple of other small fixes. No biggie. We walked through the house with him while the kids waited surprisingly patiently in the pile of furniture pushed into the centre of our living room. It was cute, and the kids loved being perched on the chairs on top of the couches. It was treacherous but they were happy. Finally, around 12:30, we hauled out.

We had planned to eat at home, but it was all just chaotic and we were ready to get on the road, so we stopped for some fast food and coffee before getting on the highway. The kids were happy with their food, and so were Brady and I. It was really good to finally be moving in the right direction. North!

Solly melted down about 1-1.5 hours into the trip. He finally cracked those bottom two molars, making the current total of half-out teeth FOUR! I repeat, he has four molars that are partially out. For those of you who have had the pleasure to be part of the life of a child pushing molars, you know how hard that is. Molars have so many edges, and have to break through the surface of the gums in multiple places. It is, quite literally, a pain. Poor Solly could not get it together. Thankfully, we had planned for a stop in Prince Albert anyway, to buy all the fresh stuff and some dairy products as well. We weren’t exactly stocking up on perishables at home right before leaving. Solly was thankful to get a break from the van, though he preferred to be held over riding in the cart. My blood pressure blows these days, and I’m so easily dizzy, leaving Brady to carry him the whole time. It worked out, though, and we got everything we needed. Even met a couple of nice people who really oo-ed and aw-ed over our kids, which always feels good. I don’t blame them.

After our grocery shop, Solly seemed to have settled (we gave him more meds before we had headed in, so they likely had kicked in by the end) and we got back on the road. From there, it was only one hour to Waskesiu, and there was NOT ONE “are we there yet” from the back seat. Not. One! It was awesome.

We arrived in a total downpour right around 4:30, and the lovely lady who we’ve usually been in contact with came and let us in. The kids were so stoked, and ran back and forth through the place for a solid ten minutes while Brady hauled in our stuff. We were pleasantly surprised to see that this place has been improved and upgraded!!! We loved it before, and we had never had any issues, but it is just that much better 🙂 In the living room, there used to be a futon that didn’t fold up, and usually an armchair as well. It wasn’t perfect, but there was lots of room to stretch out. Now, there is still a futon laid out and dressed up to be used as a bed, and now there is also a leather (ish) couch and two matching (ish) chairs! And a coffee table. And a newer tv, with cable!! It is so so nice! We also have a full kitchen, a full bathroom, and two bedrooms. There is a fan in each bedroom and one in the living room, too. We managed to go from room to room and find six chairs, so there is room for all of us. Seriously guys, if you remember how amped I was about that amazing hotel we found in Calgary, this isn’t too far down the list from there. Its not every day we find a place that houses our crew quite so comfortably, and this is just such a win. It always feels like a gift when its even better than the great place you remembered it to be 🙂

The kids were feeling super wiped from the travel day and the excitement of getting here that they weren’t even very hungry. So they ate a little and headed to bed. Brady and I, on the other hand, ordered take out from the local asian restaurant, and Brady is just to go pick it up now. I’m SO hungry!!!

We are SO happy to have finally made it out here to the lake. Its one of my favorite places, and holds a very special place in my heart. Tomorrow, the real fun begins!! Pray for good weather!!

Today is zero hour. We go to the lake TOMORROW MORNING, and I’m thanking the Lord that Brady is already home from work! He put in 40 hours over the last 3.5 days and positively killed his work so he could get home and help me get us all set up! I love that man.

Timing is also impeccable because I am unusually dizzy this morning and feeling fairly out of it. So having some help is such a relief.

While most things in the way of packing are organized and at least somewhat done, there is a bit of a “to do” list going as well. Thankfully, none of it is ominous, but Brady is tired and I am tired and motivation left so long ago, haha! Stuff has to get done, though, so we push on, with the lake being our end goal!

Whats left to do is actually pack up everything I’ve been compiling for the last few days, to bathe everyone, clear off our phones, charge absolutely everything, call ahead with a couple of questions, organize food and cash, figure out where and how Rowan is going to sleep once we get there, load up the van, clean at least some of the house up in preparation for the people coming to work on it while we’re gone, aaaaand a bunch of other things that are written down about ten steps away from me that I’m not willing to get up for. So like I said, nothing especially ominous, but there’s enough on my mind that I’m positive I’ll forget something, and my mind is wildly unreliable these days. Yikes yikes yikes.

I’m so glad tomorrow is the day, though! No more planning and preparing, just getting there finally. Woohoo! It feels like we’ve been waiting forever.

Our family has been bustling this week more than usual. Its been a big week, but leading up to a great trip makes it totally worth it!

Brady has been working 12 hour days the last two days. It’ll be a shorter work day today, but he has physio after work, so he’ll get home around the same time anyway. I don’t love these super long days, and I know I’ve been spoiled by Brady having a flexible schedule, making it easier for him to be home earlier than the average working person. Still, we miss him around here. But physio cannot be missed if its at all possible. He won’t be able to go in for it while we’re gone at the lake, obviously, but they’re actually making progress on his injury and we aren’t going to stop! I’m feeling hopeful, and I think he is too.

Solly has been teething SO HARD these days, and is SO busy with that, haha! It means his mood can go a number of different ways. Sometimes he’s just plain sad and overtired, crying and crying and crying. Sometimes he is only happy if he’s eating, like yesterday, when he’d wake up from night or nap and want food instantly. And I do mean instantly. Check out his blanket lines! He had JUST woken up.

The other kids have been beautifully busy with being in baby mode!! The prime toys right now are two little dollies that Laela has, plus two little bottles I’ve received in the mail as samples over the last while. They are fully preparing to help with their new sibling, and its really a sweet thing to witness. While they fight over the dolls constantly, I love seeing them take their dolly off to wherever, and hold it properly (sometimes), and feed it, burp it, and then “put it to bed.” Its wonderful.

I’ve been busy with getting ready for the lake! I’ve been making lists, trying to complete jobs around the house, organize a handful of things including a bunch of things that will be going on in our house while we’re away. Yikes, there is just SO much swirling around in my head!! Yesterday and today, I raided the kids closets and grabbed every piece of clothing that we’ll need to bring for the lake, and its all up in my closet, waiting to be packed. If I thought my closet was full before, I had no idea what was to come! Haha! Kids need SO MANY CLOTHES for a lake trip, our closet is just bursting! Its great, though. I feel at least somewhat prepared.

Tonight I’ll duck out for a second attempt to get my legs waxed, and any last minute shopping I need to do, though I’m not sure there will even be any! Maybe just a quick in and out trip, but at least my legs will be ready for the lake. And my arms. And my eyebrows. Haha!

So this week has felt really busy, but I think it will all pay off in the end, and we will be as prepared for the lake as anyone really could be. I’m so so looking forward to our time away, to breathe in the fresh air, splash around in the water, blow bubbles, and eat ice cream every day. Being at the lake isn’t just about the actual lake 😉 Lake life, baby!! Two more days!

(As an aside, if you wander past our house and see people in it, they’re probably supposed to be there. Lol!)

You know those things that you work so hard for and sometimes it just feels like you’re the only one listening? Or that you’re just going in circles? Thats sometimes how I feel in my parenting, and I’m sure there are lots of people who can relate to this. I have to remind myself that my kids are kids and they actually do need to be reminded about certain things 500 times before they’ll actually absorb that that particular rule isn’t dependant on anything, and that it is always a rule. But before they actually absorb that, it is a constant run around to drill these things into their heads. It takes a lot of work. Parenting is simply not for the faint of heart. Is there anything that specifically is for the faint of heart? Might be nice to sign up for something like that on the side…

Today, I had not one win, but TWO!!! One win is enough to help me breathe a little easier, and its a good reminder that I’m not just talking for no reason, but that things are absorbing and they actually are listening. They went like this.

Dekker was getting after Rowan about bringing him a toy that he didn’t want. Something like that, anyway. Something super minimal. After two reminders from me to speak politely to Rowan, Dekker was not listening, and was just giving Ro heck. I finally went over to them and I asked Dekker to go take a breather in his room. Not a time out, but a break. A break that he could dictate when he was ready to come out and be friendly again. Just a moment to regroup. Sometimes, they go smoothly, and sometimes he wails out his woes for quite some time. It depends on the day. Today, he came out almost too quickly. As in I almost sent him back in, just to make sure he was for sure ready. But he surfaced beside me in the kitchen and told me he was ready to come out and be with us again. I asked if he was sure, and he said he was. I gave him a hug and said I was glad he was back, and was about to get back to making salad dressings when he piped up, and said “You were right, too.” I asked what I was right about, and he said “I think I really was mean to Rowan. I’ll go ‘pologize.” And he did! They had a hug and Rowan apologized back (because he is more Canadian than the other kids) and playing commenced. I thought that was pretty awesome!!

Laela was bucking the system at lunch. Its not unlike her. She is just not much of an eater unless she is SUPER interested in the food. Otherwise, she could take it or leave it, but most often, she’d leave it. That was lunch. I asked her at one point to take another bite of her food, and she glared at me and basically smacked her food against her mouth, faking a bite. Right away, I reminded her to check her attitude and remember to be respectful. No answer. I asked her again to take a real bite, which was met with “I just caaaaan’t.” I basically told her that if she wasn’t going to eat any lunch, she’d have to take a nap. And again with the smacking of the food against her mouth. So I hauled her into her bed for a taste of naptime. She wailed and wailed. I gave her a few minutes to calm down and stop crying, and then I stuck my head in and asked if she would rather sleep or eat lunch. Lunch, she chose. When she plopped down at her spot, she was smiling happily and told me she was really hungry. She ate without issue or complaint. When she was done, she thanked me and asked to leave the table. As she carried her dishes to the sink, she told me “I was sooo hungry! I’m sorry I fighted with you!” I forgave her, obviously, and our day has continued to roll on.

The last little comments my kids made to me in these scenarios helped me see that they’re actually understanding. I don’t desire to just control my kids, but I want them to learn right from wrong. And I think its working!! They offered up more information than I had asked for, and it confirmed that they knew what they had done. An apology that I don’t have to ask for is the best kind, and a lesson recognized that I don’t have to push down their throats is so much more satisfying.

This part of today just feels like a win. I promise I’m not trying to toot my own horn here, but Dekker and Laela should be allowed to!! They’re exceptional. I mean they ALL are, but this one is specifically about these two. GREAT JOB, DEKKER AND LAELA!

We had a bit of a nutty evening yesterday. We hauled everyone into the city for a bit of a later errand run, and accomplished almost nothing off of our list. My one appointment fell through, but we blew past it and decided it was ok, and we’d go do our grocery shop instead. But for the first time in years, we got to the grocery store, and decided to just skip it and go home because Solly was screeeaaaming and would absolutely not be pacified by anything. Literally, not a thing. Food, drinks, meds, snuggles, taking him out of his car seat, nothing. He wailed and wailed and would not be comforted. So our trip to the city was mostly a bust, with the small uppers being that we ducked in on Jerilee’s place to say hi, and that I got to pick up one of the makeup items I decided to purchase with my birthday money! Woot!

I’ll admit that I was pretty wiped out after that wildly unsuccessful trip into the city, and fell asleep very tired and discouraged. We REALLY had needed a productive evening and it was a total bust.

I woke up quite tired, as I have been lately, but the kids were in happy moods and got their breakfast together easily. I didn’t realize right away, but halfway through breakfast I realized the floor was covered in cereal. SUCH a mess. As in much worse of a cereal/breakfast mess than usual. I asked if they had been throwing cereal or how they had made such a big mess, and while neither Dekker or Laela would tell me what happened, they both insisted they would clean it up. And really, if they’re going to clean it up, why worry, right?

Once breakfast was over, Dekker ran for the vacuum and eagerly waited while I got Solly out of his spot and dumped out both high chairs. Its amazing how much those things hold! Wow! Tell me it isn’t just us, lol! I moved the high chairs away from the table and asked Laela if she would move the other chairs. I know Dekker is the master of the vacuum, but I’ve been trying to find a job that is specifically for Laela while Dekker is vacuuming, and I thought she could move the chairs. As expected, Dekker dove into that job as well and moved a bunch as well. Then he began vacuuming and Laela ran off to play with Rowan. I caught her on her way out, though, and reminded her that the bulk of the mess was actually quite obviously from her, and she needed to do her part in cleaning up. Right away, she agreed and asked what she should do.

That was how she ended up wiping down all of the dining chairs and high chairs with lysol wipes!

She loved the job, and worked on chairs the entire time Dekker vacuumed, which was a pretty long job. Sure, neither result was perfect, but I don’t expect perfection from myself, and by default, and definitely don’t require it from my kids. They’re kids, for crying out loud! Lol! But they did GREAT, and while they have such beautiful giving hearts and a desire to help, I want to nurture and encourage that the best way I can. So I think this may be something of a new normal.

Now to just think of a regular daily-ish job for Rowan. Hmmm. I’ve read lots of ideas for young kids but so few of them are regular, daily jobs. Anyone have any ideas? Please throw them out there!!

Regardless of whether or not Ro has something to do, I loved the teamwork and the happy attitudes this morning. I swear, they were happier to work and do a job for me than they usually are to play with their toys. It was lovely!

Thank you SO much for all you do, kids!!! You made it a great morning!

Yesterday, I realized that 14 weeks was coming up here, but it still feels like I’m in my first trimester, haha! I feel a bit trapped in the bad cycle of sleepless nights, fitful rest, drowsy medication, and nausea. They all affect each other and I don’t really have any control in the matter. As we close in on our lake trip (we leave on Saturday) I am really really hoping for some renewal in my body, and that soon, the nauseous part of my pregnancy will be gone. With that, the drowsy meds can go, and then I can have more energy during the day, as well as hopefully some more restful sleeps that aren’t altered my medication. I have high hopes for some relief at the lake. Just wish me luck as I prepare for the lake. We have SUCH a crazy week ahead, with so many unpredictable things and so many preparations to make. Yikes yikes yikes.

Size/Comparison: Apparently, the baby is the size of a beet! That’s pretty decent! I recognize that the sizes of beets can vary but frankly, the other comparison I found was that the baby is roughly the size of a house mouse. Sooooo I’m going with beets. Because gross. Though I also dislike beets. But not as much as I dislike mice.

How am I feeling mentally: I feel some relief in regards to the baby. I see my tummy continue to grow and I’ve watched my body shift and change. I used to have tighter stomach muscles, sure, and I’d show later. But I’m thankful to see the progress and the changes. I’m so happy that I can’t finally feel that good uterus bump when I’m laying down first thing in the morning. It has helped my sanity greatly. Other than that, I was able to encourage another mother today, just a little bit, over Facebook. I don’t know her personally, but she recently lost a baby into her second trimester, and is just aching to be pregnant again. While our situations are obviously different, I know that feeling of so desperately wanting to be pregnant again. Its almost taboo to say it, for fear that those around you will think you’re trying to replace the baby you lost, or that you’re just blowing past it. But I KNOW that ache so so well. The ache for your lost baby doesn’t go away when you get pregnant again. It changes, though, and it feels separate somehow. At least to me, it does. I will always ache for my baby Theo. But I also am anticipating my little papoose with the utmost excitement and attention. I am more ready for this baby than I think I’ve ever been. So my heart still hurts, that hasn’t stopped, but my confidence continues to grow, and I have peace. On a completely different note about mental health, I think my hormones are starting to level out. Woot! Its about time! I’ve been hard to live with for a while now, hahaha! Seriously though…

How am I feeling physically: TIRED. My nausea is under control but it isn’t gone yet. And my boobs still hurt. What gives, Hailey’s body?? I am starting to slowly feel a bit more like myself, so I’m thankful for the small bit of progress. Definitely can’t be picky! Like I said, I just need more sleep. Better sleep. Then I think healing will really come!

Appointments: Nope. I’ll have an appointment a week after we come back from the lake. But I did have a phone chat with my doctor the other day. I had asked her a question in my appointment and she had wanted to run it by a group of doctors in a meeting. It was about eating fish, haha! Of all the little “rules” that us pregnant ladies are supposed to follow, I know the fish one is actually somewhat legit. My love for a good tuna melt has grown over the last couple of years and I wanted to ask her just how serious the limits were. Sadly, while its not like some hard fast rule, its recommended to eat even LESS fish than it used to be!! Seriously, at MOST two tuna melts a month. Its such a bummer 🙁 I love fish. SUCH a bummed. Sooooo if anyone goes fishing and wants to share/sell off some of their catch, please let me be the first to know! Because I’m definitely allowed to have more of that, and less of the humungous fish like tuna. Help a hungry prego out!

Buys/Wish List: I bought our unborn baby an amber necklace, hahaha! Its WAY too early in the game to buy it, I know, but one that I’ve always had my eye on but has never been in stock when I’m looking was finally available!! Also, I always end up having to buy one thats slightly longer than I’d like, and this one I could actually get in a shorter, more baby-ish size. Sooo I snagged it. Also, if you remember from last week, I bought maternity shorts to last me through summer. I’m happy to report they’re SO comfy and fit great and I’m super happy with them 🙂 Wins for me!

How are the kids feeling: They’re good 🙂 They’ve been playing with Laela’s dollies a lot these days, wrapping them and taking turns caring for them. I’m really excited to see what bringing another baby home will look like for them. I think they’ll be super helpers, and very involved. Hopefully in a good way, haha!

The BEST thing about being pregnant this week: Honestly, it seems dumb, but my favorite part of this week was feeling my real bump and knowing my baby’s house is growing. That brought so much relief, as I’ve been anticipating it. I know it seems like a weird thing to want and to wait for, but its always been a constant for me, and I’ve been anxious for it to make its appearance. I hope it keeps growing!

Anything else: Just a heads up, next weeks series post is going to be bumped by a day. I don’t mean to keep changing it up on you guys. It’ll just be different next week, but I have something very important to post about on August 7th. Sorry for the change.

Pictures: The bumpity bump…

Its definitely visible to me, and I know it changes throughout the day, depending on when I’ve eaten or not eaten or peed or not peed. Actually, its crazy how much bigger I am when I have to pee!! Anyone else experience that? Its nuts!

Thats it, thats all, guys! Wish me luck in the week to come! I think its going to be a bit insane, but hopefully that means it’ll go quickly. Whatever gets me to the lake faster, I’m on board for!! But first, a bit of running around today, delivering a couple of things, and getting my legs waxed. Let’s see if I can get through that appointment without fainting. Sigh.

Office reference, anyone? Please don’t let me be the only one!

It is my birthday. Aging feels so strange. I have all year to prepare for the official switch over to another year, but my late twenties have been interesting. As in, they’ve felt peculiar. I’m not suggesting life is any more interesting for me than anyone else, but I think like a lot of people, I’m hesitant to age, and to see my twenties go. I can’t decide whether I feel old or young, accomplished or stalled, or whether those things even matter or not. Lots of feelings. Lots of self reflection.

I don’t plan to go super deep in today’s post. I can’t even figure out how I’m feeling, so trying to write it out would be completely fruitless. I’m not unhappy. I feel like I should put that out there. I’ve loved my years, and I love where I find myself as I’m officially through twenty-nine years of life. I’ve felt that I’ve gone through a good heart shift in the last year or so, and while I am FAR from perfect (like far far) I feel like I’m a better person than I was a year ago. So even a little bit of progress counts as progress, right?

My day began early, with breakfast in bed, and some quiet Netflix before the kids woke up. I took my time doing my makeup and listening to music while the kids ate breakfast, and then I went down and spent the morning with my family. We ventured to my parents for lunch, as did my brother and his family, and we all feasted on yummy pizza and chips and berries and all kinds of delicious things. We had a BIG homemade birthday cake, with coffee, and chatted the afternoon away. It was lovely to all be together, and also fun, and also also delicious. Thank you, all, for coming and spending time with me. And thanks for the presents!!! Woot woot! Right up my alley!

We all headed home around 4:00, and our crew is suuuper low key, coming down from all the company and energy 🙂 Clifford is on tv and I’m online shopping with some of my birthday money. Woot! Its been a super lovely day and I’m very much anticipating a quiet evening among my favorite people!

🤴👸👱👧👦👶

I know I’m not allowed to be especially upset with my body. Trust me, I know, and I agree. My body has done some amazing things, and I am incredibly grateful for it. Its strong, and capable, and hasn’t failed me too terribly often. But, flesh does fail. I’m human, and my body is imperfect. But I’ll admit to you guys that I put a decent amount of expectation on it, and I get incredibly discouraged when it fails.

I haven’t been private about the fact that I’m not sleeping well. I’ve never had this kind of struggle with sleep in pregnancy. Yes, pregnancy fatigue is a thing, I’ve been there. I am there. But these days, I fall asleep without issue, but my night goes one of two ways. One way is that I wake up shortly after falling asleep and spend most of the night half awake, wildly disoriented, and when I get up for the day, I’m completely out of it. The other way is that I actually sleep fairly deeply but I dream constantly. The dreams range from unsettling and nerve wracking to completely scary and shocking.

So last night, I finally had a good deep sleep, but it felt like I dreamt all night of my children being abducted. It. Was. Awful. A very very hard night to get up from. But I did, and I got everyone up for the day, because YAY! They were all in their beds. Win!

My mom is the most loving human to walk the earth, and offered to bring lunch over and eat with us. We ate a good meal, and I got the little boys down for their nap. Then, I left mom with the kids and I ran off to the city to get the side of my head re-shaved. It was a GOOD drive there, with GOOD music and GOOD fresh air.

I made it to my appointment, and my hair girl began. Probably 20 minutes in, I started to get whoozy. I blew past it, though, knowing I was sitting down and fine where I was. I just closed my eyes and rested. But it wasn’t getting better. I was wiping sweat off my face and seeing spots.

She walked me out and took a picture of my hair (because its beautiful, as always!!) and then helped me get to the bench, where I blacked out.

Ugh.

I got my bearings and everything was fine, but I decided to skip the couple of errands I needed to run and just go straight home. I was super discouraged.

I HATE when that kind of thing happens. Its not the first time something like this has happened at a weird, inopportune time. I often black out in waxing appointments when I’m further into a pregnancy when I’m laying down and the baby crushes my organs. I blacked out multiples times in a Dollarama in the same visit. That was a fun one. I blacked out while getting my nails painted once. And all the time at home, though I’m quicker to just sit down and get my dizziness under control before I actually fall. It just drives me completely up the wall!! I ate a good, hearty lunch. I drank water. I did everything right. My blood pressure isn’t even that low this time around, when it has been in past pregnancies. What gives?!?!

So, rant over. I’m just feeling bummed. It was such a nice outing, and break, and breather, and I feel so frustrated that my body struggled so hard to keep me off the floor. Dang it, Hailey’s body! Keep it together!!

Maybe I’m just getting old. It is my birthday tomorrow…..