It’s felt like a very full day already today! Thank goodness Brady is home today!

I took Dekker to school this morning in the frigid windy weather. Luckily, he was happy to break out and wear his new toque to school, so there was no issue there. He was warm and skipping and ready to go. I love that he loves school. His teacher actually showed me some notes she had made about Dekker in the beginning of the year, and her current notes a month into the school year. He is improving SO quickly! She is super happy with how well he’s learning, and so am I.

After I dropped Dekker off, I dropped something off at the post office and headed home. I threw back half of a cup of coffee before loading Laela into the van and heading to preschool. It was my day to help in the class, so I stuck around for the morning. Times moves quickly there, so it wasn’t long before it was time to head back home.

I only lasted at home for twenty minutes or so before I headed to the city for an appointment. In that short window, I managed to eat a small serving of leftover mac and cheese. And then I was off once again.

We grocery shopped as a family the other day, but the poor overtired Solomon we brought was over our shopping trip before it even begun, so we did not hit every place we had hoped to. So I did Costco over lunch. Lo and behold, I ran into my mom there! We did the tail end of our shops together, checked out together, and walked to our vehicles together too. Convenient how we parked in the same row 🙂 It was such a nice visit to break up all the busyness. I love you, mom!!

My last place to hit was my waxing appointment. I haven’t seen my waxing girl in a long time, partially because the last time I went, I waited too long to book and had to see someone else, and partially because I wait WAY too long between waxes, haha! So I hadn’t spoken to her personally since before we lost Jamin. Needless to say, we had a lot to catch up on. It was a really nice visit. Honestly, it felt good to talk about him out loud again. She didn’t get cringy over the details, and I didn’t have to be too careful to say the “wrong” things. It was nice to feel normal. And believe it or not, it was also nice to get my legs and arms waxed, and my brows refreshed. What is it about fresh eyebrows?? Tell me its not just me!

I made it home with about a half hour left of the afternoon before I have to get Dekker, and I’m filling it with blogging. Maybe, when Dekker comes home, we’ll go do homework up in my room, and then I’ll just stay there and sleep. Haha! My day may not sound busy to you but its a lot more running around than I usually prefer, and I am still reeling for this cold. I’m definitely not sleeping as well as I’d like to be. But thats ok. Its only for a time.

I hope you all find some time to sit today <3

It would appear October is a loaded month. I’ve already seen a number of causes come up on Facebook for the month, and for interests sake, I looked it up. Wikipedia had a LONG list of month long observances, and a couple of the ones I had in mind weren’t even on their list. All I’m saying is there are lots. You observe whats important to you and those you love, and I’ll observe whats important to me and those I love. They can be different, and we can still show each other the utmost love and respect.

I’ve never really fit in to something like this until now. Completely against my will, I have been placed on the side of that “1 in 4” statistic that no one wants to be on. I have lost a baby. I’ve lost two babies. This year. I have learned a lot in these times, and I feel like who I am as a person has shifted a lot, too. Brady and I were just talking about it today. We’ve had full, exciting years of life together, but this is some big life experience that I just hadn’t anticipated. I was happy to be ignorant of the pain that losing a child causes, while still trying to be a compassionate, loving friend. Now that I am SO in the know on the subject, I wish everyone else could be ignorant and no one else would have to know this pain. So far, 2017 has aged me. A lot.

Today feels heavy. Miscarriage and infant loss is all around us. I know many of you feel it too.

Whether you share your story with others or you don’t.

Whether you lost your baby early or late.

Whether your loss happened on its own, or was induced, or was done surgically.

Whether you lost your first or your fifteenth baby.

The details matter, but they don’t matter. Your story matters, but your loss and your grief is yours. No one gets to discount it.

You who are losing pregnancies, or can’t conceive. You who desire a family but are waiting for a spouse. My friends, I see you, too. Once again, I know our grief is different, but my heart hurts for yours.

All grief looks different, but we all know it to some capacity, whether through our own life, or through the life of someone we know. We call it an emotional roller coaster, but that sounds too “fun.” An emotional flood, perhaps. An emotional sink hole. An emotional solar flare? Let’s go with an emotional ass-kicking. That feels pretty accurate.

I feel so jumbled up. I wish I had scheduled out the month so I had certain days to blog about specific sides of miscarriage and infant loss, but as you’re all quite familiar, I am so very disorganized these days. Is there anything you want to know? Any questions you have? You can comment, or message me privately and ask, and I’d happy answer them in a different post! Nothing is off limits! What about sharing your own stories of your babies in heaven? Guest post, anyone?! I’m not kidding. I’d LOVE some input on how I can really bring some important topics to light.

Did you guys know October is considered “pregnancy and infant loss awareness month?” I think there are a number of different causes that hold October’s attention, but obviously, this one sits quite closely to me.

I had a post planned for today, but then my day shifted and instead of sitting at home and trying to properly write out my post about losing my babies and how its changed me, I put on real clothes, threw an entire box of Kleenex into my purse (no joke) and I went Christmas shopping with Jerilee. I know, I know, there are some opinions there. Eat me. I can Christmas shop whenever I want.

It was such an uplifting time away, drinking Starbucks and mall walking with my bestie. It was light and fun and chatty and normal.

I assure you all that while I don’t talk about my struggle each and every day on here, it is still very much at the front of my my mind. My little babies that I lost this year haven’t been forgotten. Theo should’ve been present for Laela’s birthday yesterday. If he couldn’t, I should’ve at least been solidly pregnant with Jamin. But nope. We don’t get either of those boys. And it sucks.

But on a day when I was given the opportunity to get out and focus on some light positive things, I am not going to post about my grief. I choose to focus on the good today, and there was a lot of it.

I am feeling a bit better today, thank goodness, and I very much enjoyed being out with a friend and planning for Christmas. I hope you’ve all found some joy today.

The amazing Laela Hazel entered the world with a bang four years ago today!! She was incredible enough to move me from being so scared to ever have another child to excitedly planning for the next one within only a couple of weeks. She has brought so much richness to our lives, and I can’t even fathom our life without her. She really just gets better and better over the years!

She’s changed so much, yet not at all 😉

I take full responsibility for her low key birthday. In all of our sickness and transition, it kept being put on the back burner. I hope she doesn’t resent me for it later in life.

We had a yummy waffle brunch and then headed to the playground for the remainder of the morning. It was a pretty cute time.

Since then, we’ve come home and had a short lunch before putting the little boys down for a nap. Everyone is already so wiped out, so while the littles nap, the big ones are watching Frozen (Laela’s choice, obviously) and “playing Lego.” By that, I mean that Dekker is sitting beside the Lego but hasn’t moved to play with it yet.

The rest of the day consists of easy supper that Laela loves, and going out for ice cream. Since we didn’t get our butts in gear and I’m so sick, we’re going to have a little second party at my parents in the coming weeks, where Laela will get a cake. She’s not too disappointed. Ice cream is always a win. Plus, its going to feel amazing on my throat, haha! Not to be too selfish or anything, but just a little bit selfish…

While Laela’s big day isn’t too splashy, I hope she knows how loved she is, and what a blessing she is our lives!!

I sure love you, Laela girly!! I am truly grateful for you every single day! 💜

You know you’re gagging too much when your coughing fits start to smell like vomit.

Brady took our van in for a small recall this morning and by the time he got home, I had resorted to standing over the sink for fear that my coughing found finally result in vomit. So. Much. Heaving.

Beyond that, I’m exceptionally light headed thanks to the constant hacking and gasping and inability to breathe through my nose.

I know I’m whining, but its seriously not my day. I’m so grateful that Brady can be home so I can lay in bed and talk as little as possible. I did a ton of that yesterday too, yet I don’t see much improvement. Hopefully one more day does the trick.

It has to, really. Laela’s birthday is tomorrow.

One day we will be better prepared and set up for things like birthdays.

Its one of those special days where I crunched up a handful of crackers before I realized my soup was already gone. Somewhat disappointing. I have caught our family’s cold and lost my voice. My throat is so swollen and angry, to the point where I move my head and it gets all tight in my neck. And then, of course, I hack. I’m probably gagging more than I’m even coughing, to be honest. Its gross, and it hurts.

Taking Dekker to school and Laela to preschool helped, though. The cool air outside relaxed the crazy tightness of my throat and I could actually quietly speak to other people as I ran into them rather than being the weird nodding mom who didn’t talk to anyone.

But now that I’m home, my throat is going bananas, and its best to stay as quiet as possible. So, I had some soup for lunch and am watching Ratatouille with Laela. Hopefully my throat will hurt less and I’ll be able to muster up a bit more voice to last me through school pick up.

I have grown up knowing that God will never give me more than I can handle. Its a truth that I believe, and while its grown into a fairly cliche phrase, I think that’s because its true! People say it all the time because its true.

The last year or so of my life, its been said to me a lot. A LOT. By others, and by myself. God sees everything, and he will never give me more than I can handle. But I am learning that I’ve developed a bad association to it. While I don’t question the truth of the statement, I feel like it always comes up when I feel like I’m being dragged through the mud. Through the long road of illness last fall, I was MAXED. Or so I thought. Many of you know the timeline, I know, but I’ve got to lay it out. MONTHS of sickness went by, and I remember saying out loud, for the first time ever in my memory, that I was absolutely as close to the end of my rope as I had ever been. There was nowhere else to go. I was completely, literally finished. And then we lost Theo.

“Hailey, God knows what you can handle. You’ll get through this.”

And its true, so I desperately held on to that belief, and kept rolling. And God got me through it. It wasn’t pretty, but it happened, and we survived.

A few months after our miscarriage, we conceived again and I proceeded to roll through the sickest months of my pregnant years. Never before had I been so nauseous for so long. It was so difficult. But I was thankful for my pregnancy, and the symptoms reminding to me that my pregnancy was going forward. The days were still long, though.

“Hailey, God knows what you can handle. You’ll get through this.”

And I did.

And then we lost Jamin.

“Hailey, God knows what you can handle. You’ll get through this.”

And its true. I told myself over and over again. There was comfort there. I definitely understand why people who don’t believe in God think Christians sound crazy. I get it! We take comfort in something we cannot see or tangibly prove. We seem simply gullible, or maybe weak. But I believe strongly that God is truth, and I’m ok with people thinking I’m a little nutty. What’s so wrong in finding comfort, anyway?

While I don’t feel that my faith in God has suffered greatly through my losses, I can tell I have a bit of a bad taste in my mouth about this whole “God knows how much we can handle” business. Or I did, anyway. I’ve made jokes about it, that He and I clearly disagree on some of those amounts, but that He has the final say, and things like that. But in the recent weeks, I’ve had a small shift that I believe has begun some change in my heart. I’ve seen God’s mercy in a new way. I can see how this statement covers more surface than I thought it did.

Yes, when I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus, or would like to be, the truth is that He does know how much I can handle. But the flip side is that He also knows what I can’t handle. God is not a cruel God. He is merciful and compassionate. When things get really really hard, I sometimes forget that.

When I get all of my results more than a month before they were scheduled to arrive, God knows I couldn’t have handled waiting.

When I bleed for a full month and only get nine days off before I start bleeding again, God knows I need some schedule back in my life, because He and I both know that waiting in limbo is SO much worse for me.

When Brady hits a lull at work and money gets tight, He knows that the timing was bang on, and that I’d need Brady home for those weeks.

And when my baby is born at 16.5 weeks gestation, He KNOWS I needed to get that far into my pregnancy to find that joy and anticipation and excitement again after being SO nervous for the whole first trimester.

I’m going to do everything in my power to see things this way. Glass half full is always a better way to view life, and I’m disappointed that my first instinct is to think the glass is half empty. This doesn’t mean I can’t feel sad or angry or discouraged or however else I want to feel, but it brings into perspective that God sees all sides of the story. What we can handle, and what we can’t. He has the strongest radar for that than anyone else I know, and I have some pretty rockin’ people in my life.

I have a lot of thoughts on this, and I hope at least some of them came across somewhat clearly. If not, just know that my heart is continuing to heal. Seek and you will find, right? Well I’m seeking.

I got the kids up this morning like every other morning. I gave Dekker and Laela big hugs and they headed right out to set the table for breakfast. I hung back to change Rowan’s diaper. He and I were doddling a little bit, getting in some good face time and tickles when Laela showed up beside us.

Now, first, I have to say. Laela is SO gentle and sensitive these days. If a kid cries, she runs over and plays with them, even if it doesn’t work and they keep crying. She is the bringer of water bottles and kleenexes, and she will tell me if anyone needs anything that she herself can’t provide. Her latest switch has been her sensitivity towards me. She picks up on everything, and she will reach out and touch my hand or my face or my hair, and tell me she really loves me. Things like that. She is truly the best little girl I know.

So this morning, as I’m changing Rowan, she came up and put her hand on my shoulder. She whispered “Its all ready at the table.” She was whispering for Solly’s sake, as he was still sleeping. I thanked her for her work, and for staying so quiet. I moved most of my attention back to Ro waiting patiently on the floor, but she stayed put, so I wrapped an arm around her and snuggled my head into her. She hugged me back, and out of nowhere she asked “Are you still sad about the baby?” She caught me off guard, but I was very honest and told her that yes, I was still very sad about the baby. That I missed him a lot. She stroked my cheek at that point and nodded understandingly. She reassured me that she was sad too, and that it was “so essiting” that he was with baby Jesus.

In that moment, she looked so wise, and knew so much. I love the faith of children. Its amazing, and something I seek after for myself. A stronger, unwavering trust in God.

Suddenly, she furrowed her brow and told me her Elsa dolly had a baby that died, too.

This all on its own brought me close to tears, because that is NOT what playtime should be about. How has it become so normal in our house that she is actually pretending that her dollies are losing babies?! This might sound small, but it shook me up quite a bit. I asked her how Elsa was doing, and if she was sad. Laela perked up and told me that Anna had Elsa’s baby, so they weren’t as sad. I told her I didn’t understand, and she said “I don’t either.”

And just like that, my mature little threenager was back to being little, and confused by big, difficult, adult things. And really, thats best for now. We settled on the fact that having babies and babies dying is pretty sad and complicated, and we moved on with our day. But its stuck with me all morning and into the afternoon.

I’m not sure what to make of this, but it felt important to share. I’m already praying for my beautiful daughter and daughters in law, that they never have to experience this same pain I’ve experienced.

I had the privilege of experiencing Rowan as a baby all over again today! Ok, not really, obviously. It was a rough start for him this morning, with lots of tears and lots of disappointment and LOTS of snuggles to bring him back to life.

At one point, he came to sit on my lap, and then told me he wanted to be a baby. He then started writhing around, hurting me left and right, until he was finally settled across me in my chair, just like a baby.

It was cozy, and he lay contentedly on me for quite a while.

It didn’t take long before Laela realized her brother was MIA and came searching for him. She loved how snuggled up he was, and stood beside us, stroking his face and his hair, commenting on how soft he is.

It was such a soft, sweet moment. One of the few when no one was upset or crying. I wanted to document it better, but the moment I turned the camera on just the kids…

They’re so funny 💗 They’re such a great pair. Our baby snuggle was effectively ruined once Laela left and Rowan wanted to be with her. But I am SO thankful for these special little moments I get with each kid each day. They’re small spans of time, but I am so grateful for them. I’ve started to do diaper changes with the door closed, so that it is just me and the little boys whose diaper I am changing. I also get the little boys to myself when Laela is at preschool I get to hang with just Laela during nap time. Dekker and I do homework every day up in my room, just he and I.

This baby snuggle today was something special.

Its not a secret that we’re bad at getting to church. On one hand, its a busy stage of life with the kids, and its SO much easier to just not go, but its also really hard to get back in the habit of things once you stop. And we WANT to be there! Brady and I have been feeling like its time to get back into the swing of it recently, and the kids have even been asking to go! I’ll take the blame, though, and say that I haven’t been ready to go there and face a crowd of people who all show us SO much love and concern, because I knew I’d just weep through it. However, the time had to come, and we were on the schedule to help lead worship this Sunday. So, today was the day.

I choked my way through our music practice pretty badly. It just felt so emotional to be back, and leading people, of all things, at such a weak time of my life. But I see a lot of value in being vulnerable, too, and I don’t think being in a position of leadership means you have to be strong 100% of the time. Or 50%. Of even ever. God called us here and works through us, wherever we’re at. Or at least thats what I prayed for.

The actual worship leading went well. I only choked up once or twice, and that was fine. People sang with us, and I was reassured many times that people were happy to see us back. There was lots of love and concern sent our way this morning, and that was amazing.

I’ll admit, though, I am completely spent after this morning. Beyond leading singing and being back at church for the first time in a long time, add to that a couple of temperamental kids, a baby who will not sit still but will also not be set down, a bunch of snot, and a full luggage set of emotional baggage. I. Am. Tired.

So as I lay snuggled up in bed, Brady is about to take Dekker to a birthday party, the two little boys are napping, and Laela is sitting at the table heading up her one-woman hunger strike. I’m chilly and dozey and feel like I can’t hack a whole lot else today, but I also feel good. It was good to be at church. The air there is clearer, and even though the kids were hands on enough that I didn’t catch any of the actual message of the service, the community felt refreshing.

I’m looking forward to what the rest of the day has to hold. That being a visit with my parents, pancakes for supper, happy playful kids, and more relaxing.

Have a lovely Sunday.