With Brady being home so much this summer, we’ve both been itching to do projects around our house. However, the trade off with him being home so much means there isn’t much money to actually take on the projects. I blame the project planning on Brady’s regular routine of being busy with work, and with my natural ache to be nesting and preparing our home. Yet, we’re basically sitting ducks. We have our basement framing package from earlier in summer, and that is mostly done. As the seasons are changing, though, there is more conversation flying back and forth between he and I.

Beware, because what is to come will make very little to no sense. “Jumbled” doesn’t begin to describe it!

A big priority is getting the garage empty enough to park the bus inside for winter. At this point, we have room for the bus, but it’ll be pretty stinking close. We purchased the tub/shower combo for the basement a few months back, and it remains in the garage because we just never think to ask for help when a big strong man is over! So once that thing is gone, we’ll have a decent chunk more room in there. A small chunk, anyway.

We have a big beast chest freezer in the basement, and recently noticed that it was about to kick the bucket. So we ate as much out of it as possible before buying a smaller freezer off of a buy and sell page, and putting what was left in there in our garage. We’ve since defrosted the big freezer and it seems like it might work again. Might. We’d like that one to the be in the garage, so we moved the little one (along with a mini fridge) down to our furnace room, but we can’t move the big one into the garage, because it’ll take up too much space in there.

Before we can move the big freezer into the garage, we need to clean out more storage stuff from the garage. Except that most of our storage will go in our furnace room. So that ALL has to happen on the same day. Which isn’t ominous at all…

We could just move the big freezer into the middle of the basement, build some shelves to store things in the furnace room, and then once things are rearranged, move the freezer into the garage. Thats probably our best bet. And I think its our next logical move.

“Is everything in your garage expected to go in your basement??”

Heck no. SO much of it will be purged when we finally start moving it, I am certain. But a HUGE chunk of what’s in our garage is also outdoor stuff. Bikes, tools, outdoor toys, beach stuff, outdoor Christmas stuff, etc. That stuff all needs to go in either a shed, or we need to enclose underneath our deck, which I think we’ll eventually do. But we can’t do that this season at all. Therefore, we definitely need to build some storage options in our garage. Except that everything is already in our garage, and it’ll all have to be moved around in a pretty big way to get the job done, if its even possible.

So. We need to finish framing our basement, build shelved in our furnace room, remove our freezer, store a bunch of the garage in our furnace room, put the freezer in our garage, build shelves in the garage, store everything else on them, and then maybe some of the mundane, daily life projects can go forward. It seems like, with every project or every job, we can’t go them without doing something else. They all overlap and roll into each other, and while I’m trying not to think too far ahead and set unrealistic goals, its super difficult to organize my thoughts! I don’t want to make a list, either, because I know it’ll be a list that takes YEARS to finish. All of these projects feel so important, and like they need to come before pretty much everything else, but what about the daily stuff??

We have a HUGE mess in one corner of our counter. Its ALWAYS been there. Its everything we would put in a desk/office area. We know where that area will be. It’ll be in the basement, next to the bedrooms. But that place isn’t finished, obviously, and we don’t yet have a desk for it because the one I want is specific, and its not a priority to spend our money on. So it waits, and that towering pile of paper/notebooks/cards/etc stares at me every single day.

I want to reorganize the pantry and two cabinets that have no real rhyme or reason. We have a beautiful abundance of cabinets, and a couple of them are just messy with things we never use. Our pantry is a cross between holding food and holding small appliances. I want to decide what stays in the pantry, what moves to the cabinets, and what goes downstairs in a little storage area of bulk items. Except that the stinking furnace room isn’t done, so I can’t actually visualize what space I’ll have down there. And anything I set up temporarily in our basement will eventually have to move back out when we actually get to finish finishing it. So instead, spaces in my kitchen are either overfilled and disorganized, or unused and dusty.

Besides all of these reasonable projects in my mind (yes, I’m going as far as to call them “reasonable”) I have a sad mommy ache that desperately wants to make a baby room. Trust me, friends, when I say I know that one isn’t reasonable. Not only have I not at all pregnant, but we have four kids in two rooms at the moment, and even if I decided to put a baby room together for our hypothetical next baby, we need our basement done so we have an extra kids room. Its just not even something I should be putting any brain power into at the moment, but I can’t help it. I’m not saying I’m going to do anything about it, but I do think about it, and it makes me want to get things moving around here even faster.

I’m just so ready. But reality also tells us that when Brady is busier back at work (Its already picking up a bit, thank you, Lord!) he’ll be gone! So there will be far less time to get these projects done.Its all logical. It all makes sense. But for some reason, today, its driving me bananas. I promise, I’m not ungrateful. My mind is just going a mile a minute, and I needed to get some of this out.

I told you this post wouldn’t make a lot of sense, didn’t I? You were warned.

Brady got a call yesterday for some work for him today and tomorrow, so I was spontaneously left without morning help. Now, I’ll preface this post by saying I’m more than fine in the mornings. I can handle my kids, and they’re familiar with the routine. But in the recent past, Brady is often home in the mornings, and when he’s not, my mom sometimes comes for a bit. It has made it possible for me to leave the three at home when I take Dekker, and then often to leave the little boys at home when I take Laela to preschool on her days. I am SO thankful for the help I’ve received. I know that many aren’t as fortunate as we are in that way. I’m definitely not complaining!

This morning was the VERY FIRST MORNING where I had to take everyone along to both elementary school and preschool. I was expecting a pretty difficult time, but it actually worked out surprisingly smoothly!

Getting everyone dressed and out the door always takes longer than I expect, so we were all in the van on our way out probably about ten minutes later than usual. Dekker is a kid who likes to be at school nice and early so he can play outside with his friends, and we couldn’t swing that today, unfortunately, but he wasn’t put off at all. He’s such a good kid. We got to school and as usual, I asked him if he wanted to just run from the van or if he wanted me to go with him. He asked if I would go with him. He always does. And I always do. I know that if I told him he needed to go on his own, he’d be more than fine, and wouldn’t even be super sad about it, but I know he won’t always want to walk to school with me, holding hands, so I take him up on it! We walked to the boot room and had a big hug and kiss before he bolted off to play.

I got back to the van and checked the time. We had about a half hour until preschool started. Its such a strange time frame, because if I went home and unloaded everyone, took of their jackets and shoes, and let them play, they’d play for maaaybe ten minutes before I’d have to get them all dressed and ready again. Not worth it. There’s not enough time to drive to a neighbouring town for Tims. Its WAY too early to drop Laela off, so that’s not an option. And we don’t have a dvd player in our van, so watching a show is out of the question. Honestly, this morning was the first time I really wanted one of those systems!

We drove to get the mail, but that killed all of two minutes, and we drove home. Twenty five minutes left. We sat, idling in the driveway, and I decided to put on songs that the kids like. Well that really helped, and we had fun with that. All three kids were pretty content, which was awesome. I realized after just a few minutes that it was Laela’s day for show and tell at preschool, and I had forgotten! I told her right away and she knew immediately what she wanted to bring, so I ran inside to get it. If not for that time of waiting, I’d have forgotten completely! Win! Sort of, haha 🙂

After about fifteen minutes (five songs) we drove to pick up another little girl, and we drove to preschool. I always allot five minutes for picking her up and we arrive roughly five minutes early. And it turned out! I got everyone inside, out of jackets, into shoes, and that was it! I drove the little boys home and we spent the next couple of hours just the three of us!! I think they play the nicest together when its just the two of them, rather than when all four kids are around. Just a different vibe. Its nice.

So what I expected to be a pretty hands on morning was surprisingly smooth! Its far from a perfect system, and I truly don’t know how people coordinate that strange 45 minute interim. Scheduling is hard! Eventually, I think it’ll be easier next year, when Dekker is in full time and Laela is in kindergarten. They’ll be able to walk together at least some of the time, and I won’t always be driving to school in the morning. I’m just not sure at what age its good to let Dekker walk on his own, or how that all works, so for now, I juggle and whine once in a while about it 😉 But for the most part, I just put on my big girl panties, or pull on my sexy big girl thigh boots (because, fall) and drive the whole clan. I’m so fortunate such a relaxed, accepting group. They make it easy to have four kids.

💙💜💙💙

Because yesterday apparently wasn’t enough, I was fortunate enough to spend today out and about with my mom. She had a short list of things she was on the hunt for, including new glasses. I’m sure many of you can agree that its just nicer to have someone with you to bounce ideas off when it comes to stuff like that, so we went together!

Our morning was extra successful, and we accomplished a lot in just a couple of hours. I practiced a great amount of restraint and only purchased one thing – a Halloween costume for Solly. But that was it! I resisted everything else, and we headed to lunch right around noon.

Post-lunch, we hit another area of the city but had no luck in finding what we were searching for. But we rolled with it and began the tail end of our shopping day – groceries. We hit up Walmart for a handful of things, and then finished off at Costco. It is shocking how much quicker it is to shop with my mom than to shop with all of the kids!! I’m a bit of a strange one, I think, because I genuinely enjoy shopping with my kids, but I couldn’t have accomplished all we did today with four beautiful little goobers in tow. This was a wonderful breather, a positive time with my favorite mom, and a productive day! Brady’s schedule has filled with work for the next couple of days, and we were planning for an errand day, but now we don’t have to! What a win!

Thanks, mom, for the beautiful day out. I love you all the way.

I feel like my cup is being actively filled, and for that, I am SO thankful.

A while back, I mournfully posted about the loss of my baby, and how with losing my son, I lost a few other dreams. Small things, maybe, but things that are important. All of my planning and my efforts to positively anticipate my baby had died alongside him. One of the big ones was my secret excitement surrounding a maternity photo shoot I wanted to have done. I had such a clear picture in my mind of what I wanted, and I was so excited to have those pictures taken, and to be able to look back on them one day and remember exactly where I was right then, where life had taken me, where my heart was. It felt SO important. And then, the dream was gone, as was the baby.

Recently, someone I barely knew reached out to me to fulfill my wishes. We’ve only messaged a bit here and there, but today, we spend the vast majority of the daytime together. We wandered through a large area of Saskatoon, and she took pictures of me. It was so fun, and I flip flopped between feeling excited and celebrated and happy and silly and sorrowful and reminiscent and everything in between. I truly enjoyed the day with her. The pictures were a blast, but I really loved walking from place to place, getting to know each other. We’ve both had our share, to put it lightly, but in completely different ways and in completely different areas of life. It was great, though, to be able to share so honestly and openly, and we never ran out of things to talk about! We had lunch together (she took me out 💜) and then we headed home. From beginning to end, it felt like a date with a friend whom I’ve known for years, even though we had likely never spoken two words to each other before a week or two ago. I loved today, and I hope she feels the same way. What an amazing gift.

I’m so excited to see the pictures she puts together, and I’m excited to share them here, too.

Like I said earlier this weekend, its been a big year. I usually have an easy Thanksgiving, in the way of being thankful for the pregnancy I’m carrying, the new baby I have, or my husband whose birthday occasionally falls on Thanksgiving. This year, I am thankful for life experience. But I want to be ultra clear on this subject, because its hard for me to even convince myself of it.

I am NOT thankful that my babies died.

Not for a second.

Nothing about that is right, or good, or something to celebrate.

But…

Out of our pain and these terrible experiences, we have discovered a BEAUTIFUL community of friends and family all around us. Friends that we knew we had, but we didn’t know what we had, if you know what I mean. It is not a secret that we’ve struggled this year, and for the second half of last year, we were just trying to adjust to our new life here in town with our new baby. Our life has been a whirlwind, and as much as we’ve tried, we haven’t been able to “put in” as much as we had hoped to. Trust me, we know we’re a lot to take on a few different levels.

Yet, we’ve been surrounded by this amazing support system of friends who we could’ve never anticipated. We have it all.

Friends who can relate directly to us.

Friends who can’t relate but who listen, even though our struggles aren’t brand new.

Friends who still bring over treats.

Friends who acknowledge our efforts when we do try to participate in things.

Friends who say our babies names.

Friends who ask to see pictures of Jamin.

Friends who text while they’re out grocery shopping to ask if we need anything.

Friends who take our kids for a couple of hours so we can have some quiet rest.

Friends who aren’t afraid to ask questions.

Friends who let me cry, and friends who join me in my tears.

Friends who pray for and with us.

I never knew we had such a wealth of support, and I likely would never have known unless we went through these struggles this year. While I am not thankful for our losses and our hardships, I am over the moon thankful for the people they have pulled out of the woodwork and brought closer into our lives. I am trying to step out of our safe little box and participate more in life with others, but I am also thankful for the friends who receive me with love, while reminding me not to push myself too hard either.

I will be there soon, friends. I want to put into you! And while it may not seem like it, I am trying to be braver. I want to be a good friend. I don’t want to just leech off of you. Please know that I see your efforts, and I might not even be standing without them. Every time you step out of your box to reach out to me, I feel that much more ready to step out of mine.

For these things, and these people, I am thankful.

I was pretty on the fence about whether I could handle church this weekend or not, so I will admit to being the reason we did not attend this morning. This thanksgiving feels heavy.

Instead, we’ve embraced the day a different way. We’ve rolled with the grey weather and closed all the curtains, turned off all the lights, and snuggled in for a movie. We chose between titles while Rowan finished his breakfast. Dekker and Laela got settled in their spots.

I did NOT pose this picture!! 😍

Little Rascals is playing, and cuddle blankets are out. Popcorn for lunch!

It may not be church, but it is restful and special, and I am truly thankful to God for it! I hope you are all enjoying some special restful family time, however that looks in your family.

We spent this afternoon with my parents, and my brother and his family. This year, that also included my sister-in-law’s mom, whom I love. It was a lovely gathering of family and food and warmth. One thing that was different was that we didn’t all go around the table and share what we’ are thankful for. Honestly, I completely forgot about it until we got home. I’m not sure if we all just forgot, or if it was intentional. With our year being what it has been, its not always been super easy to pinpoint a solid “thing” that I’m thankful for. Nothing that isn’t cliche, anyway. So forgive me for being just that, but here are the things I am thankful for today.

I am thankful for Dekker. He is my old soul son who is quick to love and help and jump in if he can sense anything might need doing. He is sensitive in all the ways, and he is a HUGE blessing to me!

I am thankful for Laela. She adds light and soft things to our life, and a softness that we wouldn’t have without her. With a gentle touch and a skip in her step, she brings such a happy spirit to our group!

I am thankful for Rowan. He is such an innocent little shadow to our other kids. He loves to follow along in games, jokes, and jobs. His big lips produce amaaazing smooches, and he shares them with all of us every single day.

I am thankful for Solomon. Solly offers our family a contentedness that we haven’t known quite this way. He is quick to giggle and snort and rub drooly fingers on your face. Its all in love. He is such a dear.

And this. I am thankful for my husband, and our marriage. Things have not always been smooth, and we’ve hurdled some BIG obstacles. If I’m being honest, I never expected to be quite as happily married as I am. Brady pours every ounce of love and energy into his wife and kids, putting himself last constantly. He stands behind me in the big and little things, even if its something he doesn’t feel passionate about or understand. Solidarity. He is the BEST partner for me, and I like to think he feels the same way about me. He and I are a good team, and we have God as our team captain,  which is pretty much the ideal set up we could ask for.

For these things, I am thankful.

My plans for today changed yesterday evening, but it still turned out to be a great day. Though at first I wasn’t totally sold that it would be.

I was up for a few hours in the middle of the night, for no real reason at all. Usually, when I’m awake and trying to fall back to sleep, I avoid checking the time. Only when I get desperate and realize I need to change it up a bit do I sit up and pull out my phone to just let my brain relax a little. By the time I gave in and got my phone, it was 2:00am. I gave sleep another shot a full three hours later, and I can’t tell you when I fell asleep after that but it took a while. It was not my best night. Plus we had gone to bed quite late. So I wasn’t the most optimistic or coherent this morning.

I had made a hair appointment for 9:30 this morning, to get the side of my head reshaved only. I was dragging pretty bad at that point, but I always love those appointments! Brady made me coffee for the trip in, and I enjoyed the music on the drive. The appointment went off without a hitch, as usual, and my hair is now beautifully curled with a pretty flower detailed into the side shave.

From there I did a quick scan of the London Drugs and coveted all the new products I’ve been hearing about all summer but resisting purchasing. I resisted them once again, and headed home.

I was greeted by my family, all relaxed and hanging out together. We spent the rest of the morning resting up together, and then separately at nap time. I feel quite tired but happy with how the day has turned out.

Tomorrow is the day we’re celebrating Thanksgiving with my family, and I’m looking forward to it. I also wonder how I’ll feel with the mood of the day being gratefulness. I have a lot to be thankful for, but its definitely a different kind of season. Sometimes its really hard to see past your own front door, even when you know you are fortunate in so many ways. I’m having to work harder than usual to keep my heart positive these days, but lucky for me, I have family around who understands, cares, reaches out, and spends that time with us, even when we’re downers.

For that specifically, I am thankful. But we’ll talk more about thankfulness in the coming days.

Parent Teacher interviews started yesterday, and Dekker’s was at 4:00pm. I was a bit nervous for it, if I’m being honest, because upon picking Dekker up from school, he was SO tired. He draaaaagged his backpack up the stairs like a lazy teenager, and complained as he unpacked it. I was not feeling optimistic about bringing him in to a meeting with me. We only stuck around at home for about a half hour before heading back to school, and I snuck him a granola bar in the van. A desperate move to get some energy back into him!

And it worked! He was happy to have a treat, and it put some spring back in his step. He was intrigued by the weirdly dark, empty school. We sat in the hallway and waited for our turn while he finished his snack. In chatting with the principal as she walked by, I learned that the information I had received earlier had been wrong, and that the meeting was not 45 minutes long (thank goodness!) but rather 15, which is much more doable for a tired six year old.

Everything was running on time and we got in to meet with Dekker’s teacher right on time. And I am SO pleased to say that she had literally no concerns with him whatsoever. There is obviously always an area thats more challenging that can use improvement, but thats learning, right? She just gushed about how much he’s learning and improving, and really stressed how hard he is working. “He really tries hard!” she said over and over. She showed me his “scores” from the very beginning of the year and where they are now, and it was SO amazing to see just how much he’s learned in only one months time. She even credited some of his learning to the work that Brady and I are putting in, saying it evident that we’re willing and involved. That felt good. We also talked about Dekker’s reactions to things, and how he’s starting to be able to control his emotions a little bit quicker these days, too. Even just that day, he had taken a pretty decent fall on the playground, and had been pretty put off, but hadn’t made a big dramatic scene. Just dusted off and kept playing. For the record, he didn’t even mention it to me! I only heard about it at the meeting! So clearly, it didn’t set him back too far. Lastly, at the end of the meeting, his teacher looked at him so lovingly and told him that he was one of the nicest human beings she knew. Dekker got SO bashful and buried his head into my lap, giggling and saying “sanks.” It was adorable! She made a point to really tell me that Dekker was such a gentleman, and just so so sweet. That he was sensitive and caring and a great helper. She told me she was on team Dekker, and that she had zero concerns with him in any way.

It was a really great date <3

Dekker and I both left feeling great. He was so bashful, but so puffy and proud at the same time. And honestly, I was too! I was so thrilled with how well he’s doing and progressing! I have a nice open door thing going with his teacher, and I know for a fact that she would tell me if there was any extra help needed or any concerns to address. And I love that, right now, things are going smoothly.

We got home and ate a yummy supper, but from about 5:30 on, Dekker was positively itching for 7:00! Today was his very first time going to kids club, and he was SOOO stoked to go!! Every ten minutes or so, he’d ask if it was time. Finally, I got down to his level and assured him that I knew when he needed to be there, and I knew what time it was now, and I would get him there on time. Didn’t help, haha! He was so impatient, but in a really good way.

I got him there a few minutes early, and we were greeted by a good handful of leaders waiting to greet the kids. As they were finding him name on the list, he started taking his coat off and hanging it up. Someone reached their hand out to him, and off he went to join the kids!! He didn’t even look back. No hesitation. Not even for a second.

My heart just soared, you guys.

Last year, this would’ve never ever been the case. Change was SO hard last year, but I’m so glad he got that great push in school, because he is such a social butterfly now!! He was still revved up to go when I picked him up at the end, a full 1.5 hours after his usual bedtime. But he settled in beautifully at home and slept like a rock. It. Was. Awesome.

Yesterday as a whole just warmed my heart. I’m so happy to see my son stretch and grow in new situations! He is such a gem. You should all really hang out with him sometime. He’s a keeper.

I am not pregnant right now, but I hope I will be in not too distant future, and its pretty much impossible not to think about. I remember, when I was pregnant with Jamin, how different it was being pregnant after a loss. Believe it or not, I anticipate my next time around will be different still. What does pregnancy after a loss after a loss look like?? I don’t know for sure, but I have a lot of thoughts on the subject.

I wonder how I’ll tell people. And when I’ll tell people. We used to share towards the end of the first trimester and into the second. In losing Theo, we learned that we would share our baby’s story with the world no matter how long I carried them. With Jamin, we shared him much earlier. I believe I was around 7 weeks. I waited until we had seen a heartbeat and then we announced it to everyone. We loved sharing our news early in the game!! However, even that heartbeat was no guarantee for us, and we lost Jamin. Now what? Do we announce right off the hop? Do we wait for a heartbeat? Do we wait until we’re way further into our pregnancy?? I have no idea how that will look. This is new territory. No two losses are the same.

I wonder how I’ll even tell Brady. Will we celebrate in excitement, or will anxiety just build from day one? Will we cry, or laugh, or will we feel numb?

I wonder how we’ll tell the kids, and when. They are SO aware of our babies passing away, I don’t know if I want to put them through another one. Yet to deny them knowledge of a sibling seems cruel. They’ve learned so much through our losses, and they have grown in their beliefs in God. They have processed the losses of their brothers to the best of their ability, and in that way, I see no reason not to let them in on something as special as a pregnancy. But I fear for their hearts.

I wonder if I’ll buy baby things. I have a small handful of things we bought for Jamin still sitting on a dresser in our room. I haven’t had the nerve to move them yet, but seeing them every day hurts me. On one hand, I want to say that I won’t buy anything, to protect my heart. And on another hand, I want to set up a bassinet in my first trimester, to remember how amazing it is to bring a new baby home to sleep in my room. Because positivity is important.

I wonder if I’ll ever feel safe through my pregnancy, or will I be on pins and needles the entire time?

I wonder if I’ll be able to feel excited. Or if I’ll emotionally attach. I made an intentional effort to celebrate my pregnancy with Jamin after we lost Theo. I didn’t want to just suffer and stress, waiting for my baby to die. Yet he did die. Its hard not to become closed and hardened. But I want to feel safe.

I wonder if I will ever find the balance between being “safe” and being vulnerable. Can those two things be in the same place at the same time? Can one protect their heart without closing it completely? I don’t know whether to dive into another pregnancy head first with joy and thankfulness, or to be more reserved, and realistic, and careful. If I’m being truthful, my heart is leaning towards choice A, as much as I don’t want it to. Its so strange to think that joy and fear would go hand in hand in that scenario.

I don’t want fear to win. I want God to win. And God didn’t give me a spirit of fear.

But I admit it. I am already scared.