In a lot of ways, my pregnancy disappeared so quickly, but in others, my body can’t seem to figure out that I am no longer pregnant. You’d think if anyone knew that information, my body should really be at the top of the list. It was the one who was housing my son, and delivered my son, and is now completely without a baby in its womb.

What it is not empty of, however, is pregnancy hormones. I haven’t done any blood work or anything yet, but I know for a fact that I still have hcg in my body. It goes down fairly slowly, in my experience. As in, I would definitely still get a positive response if I took a pregnancy test. So because of these things, my body is still quite determined that its pregnant. And that is terribly frustrating.

Yesterday evening, a delicious supper once again walked through our door right at 5:00, and we enjoyed pulled pork on a bun, probably the best coleslaw I’ve ever had, and even a side dish of macaroni for the kids who might not be completely sold on the pulled pork. A very thoughtful meal. We ate together as a family, and everyone ate lots of everything. I realized halfway through the meal, though, that I had been sitting cross legged. This is not uncommon for me at all. Its just how I prefer to sit. But MY GOODNESS, my legs were in SO much pain! It took less than a second to realize that it was hurting where it always hurts in the way of pregnancy pelvic pain. Basically right between my legs and my pubic bone. So so sore. As soon as I made the connection, I put my legs down straight and changed my posture, but it was too late. I just couldn’t shake that awful sore feeling, that my legs weren’t quite attached where they should be. Because my emotions are wrecked these days, I couldn’t just blow past it and be a little sore. I mentioned to Brady how I was feeling, and while we were talking about it, Dekker got up from his seat at the table. He’s been getting up from the table mid-meal a lot recently, and we’re having to remind him to sit tight until the meal is done, but he came over to my chair and held out his hand. I asked what he needed, and he just put his sneaky face on and wouldn’t tell me. I pressed a little, because at this point, I had no idea if he was wanting something, like another bun or a high five or something else. There was just no way to know. He finally pointed up to our room.

Brady told me to take him up on his offer, so I took Dekker’s hand and he led me up to my room. Once we were inside, he snuck ahead of me and pulled back my blankets. I climbed in and he tucked me in, no word of a lie. He stood beside me and rubbed my hand for a millisecond before giving me a kiss and bolting back downstairs. In that millisecond, I asked him how he got so good at taking care of people. Mid-run from our room, he said “I’m just copying what you do for me!”

So I bawled. Because he’s amazing. I make sure to tell him often enough that he doesn’t have to take care of me. That I’m his mommy and its my job to take care of him, and I’m happy to do it! That he doesn’t have to grow up too fast. But its just in his nature, and I think that’s amazing.

Dekker’s softness was the high point of the evening, as my body went into spasm in the last hour or so that I was awake, and I could barely move my legs. It was so so painful. When will my body realize that I sadly have no more need to carry hcg, and my tendons can start to tighten back up? There are so many reminders floating around our house, and I do want to remember, but feeling physical pain is really the worst way to remember what we’ve so recently been through. I want to remember Jamin because Rowan is SO in love with the teddy that they gave us at the hospital. I want to remember Jamin because all three big kids pray for their little papoose every day. I want to remember Jamin because of our ultrasound pictures on the fridge and our baby pictures on my phone. I want to remember Jamin because my heart loves our little children so so much. But seriously, excruciating pain of the pelvis can take a hike anytime. Also, if my boobs would stop leaking, that would be great, too. Thats been one of the hardest things to ignore. My body should know by now.

It wasn’t my best night, but I slept. I was folding laundry in my room while the kids were eating breakfast, and I overheard Laela and Dekker talking about God. “I love God!” Laela said with conviction. From there, they started singing. Now, I don’t know the song they were singing, whether its a real song or they were just making something up, but Laela finished it off with “Jesus is with meeee…I think.” I’m going to have to try and boost her confidence in that statement, but I love that they are clearly thinking a lot about Jesus these days. Maybe thats the beautiful thing that is going to come from our losses. Our kids will draw closer to God, and dig deeper into what salvation means. I’m definitely praying for that. Feel free to join me.

I was feeling a bit stronger this morning, and I talked to Brady about making a short trip into the city. I figured the shaved side of my head could use a retouch, plus we could buy the couple of things we don’t yet have for Dekker’s upcoming year of school. Just a small, pressure-free trip. I psyched myself up to call the salon about a short hair appointment, and it turned out, my girl isn’t in today. No problem, I’ll just get in touch with her another day. But I hung up the call and cried. I am so easily drained and disappointed these days. So as you can probably guess, we didn’t end up going in.

Instead of going out, I tried to take a rest in my room, but that changed for the better, actually. Brady recently got an idea in his head of how we could move our room around. Right now, some change feels good, so I supported the idea. While I lay on the bed, Brady moved around the brackets on our curtain rod and replaced our curtains with prettier ones I bought off of Facebook. He then dragged our headboard and bed around (while I lay on it) and moved it to a different wall, vacuuming underneath everything as he went. The whole time this was going on, the kids played around our feet, hid in the closet, teased Solly with blankets, and scattered the floor with toys. Rowan brought me the stuffed toys that usually sit on my dresser in honour of the little boys we lost, and I could lay contentedly on the bed, snuggling the soft little stuffies while watching my beautiful children run and play and giggle. It was pretty lovely, honestly. A nice moment in a weirdly unreasonably exhausting morning.

Since then, Brady has vacuumed the whole house, and done a bunch of dishes. We have received hot suppers every night this week, and we have our last official planned supper arriving tonight. What an amazing gift, right? We are SO fortunate in SO many ways.

Brady is taking the big kids outside for a little bit, and the little boys are napping. I’m tucked into my bed now, doing a bit of research, and trying to organize my life. Its all so up in the air, and I feel so foggy and uncertain. These breaks are part of what’s keeping me alive right now. And currently, my break is in my nicely rearranged room 🙂 A small victory of sorts.

Yesterday was such a heavy day. It was a strange realization, actually. I felt so so sad about so many things yesterday, and as a result, I was dozing off by 9:30pm. Its amazing how much your emotions affect your physical health! Big day.

I slept like a rock. Brady and I watched a bit of tv before we surfaced and got the kids up. We’re trying for a “normal” day today, so we’re at my parents. Brady is working on the deck and I’m hanging out with my mom and the kids. Let’s be real. My mom is pretty much entertaining the kids while I’m resting and being lazy. But its not an ordinary day. For a lot of obvious reasons, the days aren’t ordinary right now, but we had a really exciting positive today!

Solly tried walking for the first time ever this morning! He’s great at standing and flapping and celebrating and being suuuper cute, but today, he stood next to me, and took three super confident steps before sitting back down. And then he just looked up at me and smiled with that little scrunchy nose, so proud of himself. I celebrated like crazy, and tried to recreate his new trick for a video, but I’m sure you can guess how that went.

Even so, it was SUCH a bright spot in my morning. Way to go, Solly! Thanks for doing something awesome and making it easy to find a positive thing to write about and focus on this morning. You are easily one of the best babies. Top six, easy. <3

So, confession time. We did not take Dekker to the dentist before kindergarten like we were supposed to. Everyone is supposed to take their kid in before they start school, and we did not. Dekker was in such a state of fear still at that age, and after thinking a lot about it, we thought rather than do a “gentle” first appointment and coming back a few months later for the real thing, we would just give him time to age and gain confidence. We know him pretty well, and this was just better, even though its not the popular recommended choice.

With the new school year creeping up, I kept thinking “Yikes! We have to take this kid to the dentist!” I was in a great groove of planning and organizing the last few weeks of summer when everything fell apart last week. Its been one week. At this exact time last week, we were with our doctor for the second time that day, talking about the steps we needed to take next after finding out our baby had died. Again. Its been a completely devastating week, obviously, and anything beyond getting out of bed to pee takes serious effort. Even that does sometimes. I was starting to feel pretty hopeless about Dekker heading to school, and all the things we need to do before that happens. And then Brady offered to make the call and book him a dentist appointment. The thought of going into a new situation with him where he might be scared makes me feel so nervous, because I’m just not strong right now, and I don’t know what I’d do if he panicked. Lucky for us, Brady is home for the next few days at least, and he was happy to take Dekker. So the appointment was booked for Thursday afternoon – today.

I had a VERY difficult morning, if we’re being honest. I never know how much to talk about on here, on this subject, but I’ll say that more reminders keep popping up of our beautiful Jamin, and I’m struggling with feeling angry with my body. But I’m trying to roll with the punches and be as graceful with this whole thing as possible. Its not especially graceful at all, but I’m keeping my expectations pretty low.

When I did finally drag myself downstairs, I asked Dekker how he was feeling about the dentist. I suggested, “Are you excited?” He said “No, because actually I’m frightened.” Frightened!! We had a good chat about it and I tried to encourage him to ask lots of questions if he’s nervous, and to ask for breaks if he needs them. I told him that things might feel funny or taste funny, but that the people who he met would likely tell him everything they were going to do before they did anything. He seemed ok, even though he insisted that he was scared.

The three other kids napped today, so I did the same and hung out in bed, resting my body and mind. I was SO happy to hear about Dekker’s appointment when they got out!

Ready?

Dekker loves the dentist.

He was nervous at first, of the cleaning, but they suggested he just lay on Brady. So they stacked the boys up on the chair and got started. He didn’t cry or fuss or fight. He giggled his way through the little buzzing brush, the water hose, and the suction hose. When his cleaning was done, Brady slipped off the chair and Dekker was more than comfortable in the chair on his own. From there, he had x-rays, that he cooperated with perfectly, and then he met the dentist to have his teeth checked and counted and whatever else. Apparently, he has the exact right number of teeth as expected, plus three of his 6 year old molars are surfacing. They mentioned that his teeth are pretty tight together, so he should be flossing (seriously, has anyone NOT been told they should floss??) and BEST of all, he has NO cavities!! That felt like a huge win, and a relief. Not that kids who get cavities aren’t cared for, I’m definitely not putting ANYONE down, but neither Brady or I had ever had a cavity before adulthood, and I’m hoping our kids have a similar experience. I wondered if I’d kick myself for not taking him last year if he needed a lot of extra dental work. But nope! Dekker’s teeth are straight, they fit his mouth, they’re coming in at the right time, and so far, they’re healthy. I’m so so thankful!

Thats his fake posed smile, lol! His actual bite is pretty ideal. Just a bit of an overbite.

The boys are on their way home now, and the nappers are starting to wake up. Its been a nice quiet afternoon alone, but I’m so happy my littles all slept well, and that my oldest actually enjoyed the dentist and had a good experience.

Its been a successful day on these home fronts. As for me, its been a struggle. We are one week out from having our baby son, and I’m in a strange place of looking for urns online and crying until my nose is peeling, and being too tired to cry anymore and trying to be productive around the house. We are being so well cared for, though, for which I couldn’t be more grateful. I have yet to have to prepare food, and I know for a fact that supper is coming for the next few days at least. We’ve been gifted with many treats, coffees, flowers, meals, etc.

We KNOW that people are thinking of us, praying for us, and sorrowing with us, and while I’m sad to bring people to sorrow, it is an interesting level of wonderful to know that people care about us and were anticipating our new son as much as we were. Thank you, once again, for all your love <3

I slept through the night last night, and woke up around 7:00. The kids were still asleep, so Brady and I turned to some Netflix. The big kids slept in longer than usual, and Solly kept sleeping even when we got them up for breakfast. I’ve been reading that people are finding the recent eclipse of have affected their family’s sleep similar to a full moon, so thats what I assumed was keeping the kids so sleepy.

While the big kids were eating and Solly was sleeping, I was momentarily hit with the gumption to make one of the phone calls I’ve been avoiding, where I have to relay the story of our recent loss to someone. In my brief moment of courage, I went upstairs and made the call. I left a weepy, horrendous message on my physiotherapists phone, asking if we need to keep our upcoming appointment now that I’m not pregnant anymore. Just saying it all out loud again to someone who doesn’t know broke me down, and I sat upstairs and cried on my bed for longer than I care to admit. I finally resurfaced, and cuddled into our recliner in the living room, to at least make the effort to be with my family.

I’m sad to say that I’m experiencing the tiniest bit of paranoia these days. I think its justified, but I don’t care for it. This morning, my nerves for Solly grew and grew as he slept and slept. I checked the monitor and he was still completely quiet. I tried to leave him, and let him sleep. But I couldn’t shake the swirling fears in my head and heart. What if he died too, and I didn’t know? After a little while, Brady went to listen at Solly’s door, and heard him half crying/fussing, and went in to check on him. He was laying on his face, still mostly asleep, but fussing. I couldn’t stay in my chair to wait for them, and I made my way to Solly’s room to make sure all was well.

Turns out, Solly was fevering, and was feeling suuuper crappy. You know those low grade, unexciting fevers that leave you feeling like you can barely lift your head? Well, he and I both feel that way, just in different capacities. Brady tried to feed him a bit of breakfast but he wasn’t having it. I offered to snuggle him on the recliner, and that is where we stayed for a good two hours.

He lay unmoving on me the entire time. The last time he did that was when he was so much littler and fresher. It felt good to hold my baby like a baby and embrace the quiet, needed snuggle. I’m probably not making very much sense, but it was familiar and safe and comforting, even though he was sick and hot and twitchy with every single sound. He skipped lunch and went right to bed, no problem.

My phone call earlier took a lot out of me, and then those cuddles with my son put a little bit back into me. Only a little, though. If we’re being honest, I’m tucked away in bed right now, completely wiped, and sad, and griefy, and finished.

Hopefully I’ll gain a bit of motivation back soon and be able to be together with my family again. I just don’t know how hard to push myself right now.

I always figured I’d follow this series at least one post into postpartum. I never expected it to be this soon, but here we are, four days postpartum, and I’m feeling the need to get it over with. Time to wrap up the series I truly loved putting together every week. It helped me remember to celebrate every moment of my pregnancy, and to be thankful each and every day I was able to carry my baby. Again, I never thought it would end so soon. But I figure most of the questions are still relevant, and some of them are things that I imagine some people do want to know but are maybe afraid to ask. So I hope this is ok for all of you. I don’t want people to tip toe around me. You can ask anything. I want to talk about it. Its just time to close the series up.

Deep breaths. And go.

Size/Comparison: Well I can tell you definitively that my baby was the size of the palm of my hand. He fit in there just perfectly. I will only compare him to a tiny little baby, because that is exactly what he looked like. He had a full face and a full torso, with skinny little legs and arms. Not too skinny to get footprints off of his little feet, though.

How am I feeling mentally: This is really the big question. Though I should’ve went with “emotionally” over “mentally” when I started this whole thing. Anyway, how am I feeling. I’m grieving, very very hard. The waters are deep. I don’t know how to convey my level of mourning so you’re just going to have to trust me on that. I feel fear, also. I’m scared to think maybe we can never do this again. I’m scared to think of trying to do this again. I’m scared of pain. I’m scared of being numb. That is the last thing I want. On a few levels, I feel pretty level headed. But mostly I feel foggy, and like opening my eyes is a chore. I’m not being dramatic. I’ve never felt this way before. I hope to never feel this way again.

How am I feeling physically: Do you guys want to know this stuff? Feel free to skip around if you don’t. Physically, I feel almost normal. Its a relief, and also awful. I have had almost no physical pain. Maybe a couple brief cramps each day. Doesn’t even touch a basic menstrual cramp. Literally no pain. I’m hardly bleeding anymore. I have no baby bump left. Its all over. Its all gone. Part of me is truly upset that so quickly, my pregnancy just disappeared. But the other part of me is going through so much emotional pain that I will not intentionally wish more pain on myself. If that makes any sense. Beyond that, I’m sleeping decently, maybe 5-7 hours per night. And my temperature is super unstable. I go back and forth between sweating and freezing all day long. I wonder if I’m still in some level of shock.

Appointments: Well, I’ve had a lot of doctor/hospital/ultrasound time that I want to share here, and I’d like to do it soon, but its a lot of stories and needs it own post. But it will be shared eventually, because I want to remember how beautifully and sensitively we were taken care of. Its important. Instead of that, I’ll tell you about a phone call I had with my doctor yesterday. I didn’t know when I’d hear from her or see her next, since my follow up will all be done through an OB, but I happened to glance down at my phone during Dekker’s birthday party last night and saw my Dr. Guselle was calling. It was a 20 minute phone call, and it was actually really wonderful. You all know how much I love my doctor. A chunk of her phone call was to tell me that everything they had gotten back from my blood work so far looked normal, which is good and bad. I so badly want an answer but I also don’t want there to be a problem. You get it. But the bulk of the phone call was just seeing how I am. She inquired about everything. My physical and mental health were at the top of her list. My sleep. Brady’s health. How the kids were handling it. She let me gush about how beautiful my baby was, and seemed fascinated by the fact that we were given the chance to hold him, name him, care for him, and get some closure that way. When I told her we got footprints, she was SO surprised, and I told her I’d show her the picture next time I saw her 🙂 It was nice. She let me talk through a lot of things, and was patient when I broke and cried and had to take a breather. We talked about what the next few weeks will look like, where we’ll go from here, etc. I have an appointment booked in a few weeks with my new OB, and will have yet another whole blood workup a few weeks after that. Dr. Guselle was happy that I’ve already booked that appointment and made sure I’m comfortable and in the know about what the next steps are. She even made sure to tell me that, if I came out of an OB appointment feeling a little fuzzy on the details, that I should feel free to call her and she’ll go through all of the reports with me, so I don’t have to ever feel in the dark. I love her.

Baby Buys/Wish List: Ha. No. Nothing. I’m still waiting on one baby purchase that is on its way in the mail. I’m so sad I won’t get to use it. Maybe next time. As for a wish list, I wish for a lot of things. None of which I can have, but I sure want a lot of things.

How are the kids feeling: The kids. They are SO in tune with everything thats going on. And they are so peaceful and accepting. Sure, part of it might be because they are young and don’t understand the gravity of losing a sibling, or the timeline in which he was lost. More so, I like to believe that they know more about Heaven than I do, and that in that, they have found some peace and understanding. My kids definitely have a stronger faith than I do, which is amazing, and I’m so happy to see that. With this, the kids still actively pray for their little papoose, and I have no plans to stop them.

The BEST thing about being pregnant this week: Oh boy. I almost want to skip this one, but I do actually have an answer. The best thing about being pregnant in the last week was getting to deliver my baby myself, and to hold him and meet him. He wasn’t a figment of my imagination. He wasn’t hidden away in a blood clot. I don’t mean to be gross or rude, but seriously, he was born like a baby is born. My water broke, and his body rushed out. He was a whole little dude, and I am SO fortunate and grateful to have met him. While his birth was also a big low, it was also miraculous, and I’m happy I was given the opportunity to meet him. There was a touch more closure this way.

Anything else: I’m pretty much tapped out. I guess if I can be so bold, I’d like to say not to worry about us. We are coping. We are not letting ourselves slip into anything too deep or dark. We are grieving deeply, but we will be honest. If we are approaching a dangerously low place, we will reach out. So do not worry. Pray, or drop us a text. Check in. Ask about our baby! We are SO in love with him. Don’t be afraid of us if we cry, or when we cry. Its ok.

Pictures: Here are his little footprints 👣

Yes, thats white out. I’m sad to say his name was spelled wrong on his little memory card, but I wasn’t about to nitpick and lose those precious footprints. A simple typo. No issue with me.

I feel like this is such a sad, crappy way to wrap up my series 🙁 I really really loved doing a blog series. On one hand, I loved being so open so early in my pregnancy. It made me feel like I could just be honest and raw and I could have more information on record, as well. I loved being able to talk about it so early in the game. It brought healing. Now, however, the wound is bashed open once again, even worse than before, and I have no idea what comes next. Another pregnancy? Or is this it for us? Do I share early, or wait until we have movement and reassurance? But when are you ever in the safe zone? Something can always happen, and I can’t live like that, waiting for the worst. I named this series “Expecting the Best” for a reason. Thank goodness I don’t have to decide any of this anytime soon.

Lastly, I want to thank everyone who followed my series, and who have followed our family and our life so closely and so lovingly. I cannot imagine going through something like this in private, with no one reaching out and sorrowing with us. If you said to me that you cried, I believe you. If you said to me that you’ll pray, I’m trusting that you did, at least once. This has been an unbelievable time, and really, we’re only just a few days into it. Please don’t forget about us. And don’t forget about our baby. Heaven is brighter with him in it, but the world is sure missing out.

I wanted to try and post before the day got too real. I’m going to do everything I can to put on a happy dace today, because while I know I don’t have to fake how I’m feeling, or make excuses for my grief, it is my beautiful Dekker Thomas’s sixth birthday!

Sigh. My son. Isn’t he amazing? I feel like I find myself bragging him up most days. He has grown this year in such a beautiful way.

Being five was big for Dekker. He started school, and gained the confidence there that I’ve been eagerly anticipating for so long. He is a leader, which I always knew was in there, but its been so exciting watching that part of him come forward as he made friends and learned new things.

At the age of five, Dekker also accepted Jesus into his life. Jesus is very much part of our life, but he has only further understood the concept of salvation and what it means to follow Jesus. I am SO thankful he wants to follow the Lord in his life. It has gone far beyond praying “the prayer” and has moved into his regular daily life. I’m sad that so much talk of Heaven has likely been one of his biggest learning resources, but beautiful things can come from awful experiences, and this is one of those things.

Five was great, wasn’t it, Dekker? I hope six is even better! Hopefully the very best one yet! I love watching you grow and change and learn, and I pray for you every single day. Thank you for your constant reminders of your love for me, and your encouragement for the future. I hope I make you feel even more loved and encouraged!!

I love you, Dekker. Thank you for being exactly who you are!! 💙

I just want to hide out. I want to quit blogging, among other things. But I fear that, if I take a break, I’ll never be back. So bear with me through this time of sorrowing out in public, putting all the ugly out there.

Thank you all for your beautiful support and love on yesterday’s post. The amount of comments, texts, private messages, etc. was overwhelming. While it doesn’t take very much to overwhelm us these days, it was so loving. We know that we could call on any one of you at any moment and you could come running. We are so fortunate to have such an army of supportive friends. Thank you, all, for reaching out and loving on us.

There is so much I want to write and record. I want to tell you about all of the amazing people who cared for us as we learned about and processed and struggled through the death of our baby boy. I want to share details, both beautiful and brutal details. I want to share more pictures of my son who so few people ever got to meet in person. There is a lot that I want to do. Some I won’t ever do, and some I will when my head is clearer. Not today. Today, we continue to hide.

Tomorrow is Dekker’s birthday. He will be six! I can hardly believe he is aging. When in the world did I get a six year old?? I hate that his birthday that he has SO anticipated is being overshadowed. Luckily, we have a very quiet, low key plan for tomorrow evening that he will be very happy with, and that our hearts can handle. Because this boy is a gem that needs to be celebrated.

Yesterday, Dekker offered to pray for lunch. We all held hands, and instead of actually praying for lunch, his prayer went like this.

“Dear Jesus, thank you for baby Jamin. Please be with mommy, and help her have another baby. Amen.”

Later that day, as I was walking out of the room he was in, I heard him say to me that he was sorry the baby died. I told him I was sorry, too. We agreed that we both wished he could be home here with us. But then he said to me “But God is even better than here. Even better than our house!”

Isn’t he amazing??

I hate going through this. I hate it. And I don’t say “hate” unless I truly hate something. And I do. With all of that, though, I am so amazed at my kids, who are clearly thinking and processing and have this beautiful innocence and faith that I pray to share with them. A child-like faith. That’s what I want.

Please be patient with me, and with our family, as we navigate these deep deep waters. The metaphor is so real, as I am a terrible swimmer in both literal and metaphoric aspects. Grief is so heavy.

I don’t even know how to begin today’s post. I can’t even think. I’m sure you’ve noticed that my amazing brother, Simon, took my blog over for a couple of days. I couldn’t be more grateful for that. By default, you may have noticed that I sort of dropped off the map.

I can hardly bear to even write it. Our little papoose went to be with the Lord. He’s already been there for a while, but once again, I had no indication whatsoever. When we couldn’t find his heartbeat in my routine 16 week appointment on Thursday, I managed to get an ultrasound that afternoon, and sure enough, his beautiful little body was tucked away in my womb, ever so safely. No movement, no heartbeat, no life. He had been gone for two weeks, measuring him to be around 14 weeks and 3 days. We all wept, hard. Even our poor ultrasound tech. She has seen us through two losses now, and wanted a positive scan just as badly as we did. By “we,” I mean my mom and I. Of all days, Brady was holed up at home, vomiting and the like, and there was just no way for us to be together. I am SO thankful I had my mom at my side. I don’t know how I would’ve made it through the day alone.

It didn’t end there. I had to go back to my doctor, who said I was too far along to safely deliver at home, and asked if I would consent to a D&C. I agreed, and she went off to make the call. I just wanted it done.

My mom and I headed right to the hospital from there, and waited to meet an OB. When we did, we were told the baby was too big to pass safely in a D&C. So I was admitted and induced. Slowly, in the middle of the night. My mom stayed with me the whole time.

I don’t know how gory to get, so I’ll be safe.

I delivered my baby at 6:38am, on August 18th. The baby that everyone thought was a girl turned out to be a BOY! What an amazing surprise! He weighed 60 grams and was 13.5 cms long. Just a little guy. I wish Brady had been there but I was SO grateful to have my mom. If it couldn’t be Brady, it was perfect that it was my mom. I called Brady once the panic had died down, and he right away called Jerilee, who came running to watch the kids so Brady could come be with us.

It was a long, long day. SO many tears were shed. SO many ugly decisions were made that no one should ever have to make. But SO much love was shared. We spent hours with our tiny little son, holding him, kissing him, praying for him, grieving him. It went from brutal to peaceful and back again so many times. We were given all the time we needed. We were NEVER rushed. After a while, we could tell it was time for him to go. His little body just wasn’t ready for life on earth.

We made our choices, said our goodbyes, and gave our baby away to our nurse. And then we wept until we couldn’t anymore.

We named our baby Jamin. It means “at the right hand of favour,” which is exactly where we believe he is, and what a beautiful place that is. Not only is he with his brother up there, but He is with Jesus. He is perfect. And he never had to be imperfect, which is amazing. Amazing for him, but so so hard for us.

Give us peace, Lord. Please.

Due to the the amount of fun I had last night, Hailey has graciously agreed to extend my visit by
a day. She’ll be back soon, I assure you.

As you are well aware from the graphic that headlines the blog, Hailey and Brady have 4
gorgeous children. And they’re really beautiful kids; inside and out. You know the way they look
in that photo? They pretty much always look that way! Hailey and Brady run a tight ship; their
home is an organized, happy place where the kids are content and safe and secure in the love
of their parents and siblings.

If you are ever in Costco and see a family with four children walking sedately down the aisles,
well-dressed and clean, talking quietly and shopping efficiently, that’s Hailey’s family (The family
in the next aisle, composed of two pyjama-clad boys engaged in a running dance/fight, and a
chocolate chip cookie-covered little girl in a shopping cart yelling “GET DOWN! GET DOWN!”…
that’s my family).

It’s possible Hailey gets her parenting skills from our mom, who also ran a tight ship that we
were happy to be a part of. Christmas comes to mind, partly because it was a time of
organization and tradition in our childhood home, and partly because in our house, we start
checking the Christmas countdown app on December 26.

When we were growing up, we did all our Christmas shopping for each other in one fell swoop,
in one mall, on one day. This was before Walmart reared its head in Saskatoon – the age of
Zellers, when it still smelled a little like cigarettes inside the store. In early December, Mom and
Dad would choose a Saturday and we would head in, usually to Lawson Heights Mall in
Saskatoon. We would split up into groups, each kid carrying $20: enough for a $5 present for
each family member. By the time mid afternoon rolled around we were usually finished, and the
challenge of the $5 limit made for some interesting finds. As we became teenagers, we pushed
for higher cash limits; I think it was $10 per gift by the time I moved out. We also moved on to a
bigger mall; The Centre at Circle and 8th. I assure you, it is as mystical and romantic as it
sounds. There was a New York Fries at the Centre, so to our annual tradition was added the
ritual of sharing fries in the busy food court. With age also came the typical teenaged feelings of
embarrassment over the tiny things our parents did. I remember one year – it must not have
been going very well, because we were grumpy and tired, and not even the New York Fries had
helped. We were all squished on one bench at the edge of the food court, right next to an
extremely busy causeway, a see-and-be-seen spot, Saskatoon-style, to be sure. Traffic was
heavy, and we had settled on the bench, perhaps to regroup, perhaps to arrange new shopping
groups, perhaps to try to figure out what the heck to get Dad, when, out of nowhere, our
diminutive mother sprang to her feet, brandished her camera, and backed into the flow of
humanity to take a portrait of her family. Why she had her camera I’ll never know. Why she had
suddenly usurped Dad’s role as the embarrassing parent is an even deeper mystery. But I can
see the photo in my mind – it’s in an album somewhere; I wish I had it to post here. Dad is
grinning obediently, and us kids are either gaping in mortified, open-mouthed horror, or
clutching our embarrassed heads in our hands. Despite this tragedy, Christmas still took place that year, and I’m sure mom still got her yearly quota of candles and candle holders from me.
And thankfully, the photo opp in the mall was not made into a Christmas tradition.

When I watch Hailey and Brady’s family as they build traditions and lead their brood through the
excitement of life together, and read along with you about their adventures in growing up, it
warms my heart to see how our childhood, good parts and bad, has helped mold Hailey into the
loving, intentional mother she is today. Hailey and Brady take traditions seriously. They find
ways to make little things special, planning outings, meals, trips, in a unique, creative fashion
that is perfect for them, and so fun to observe. They pack and plan, and then strike out in their
road yacht in search of high adventure. It doesn’t always go as planned, but there is always a
silver lining, at the very least, and a story to share right here that encourages the rest of us to
take risks, start traditions, and treasure our loved ones with everything we’ve got.