It has not been a smooth morning around here, and sadly, its pretty much all my fault. Its hard to own that kind of thing, but I am definitely FAR from perfect, so may as well admit it.

After such an exciting day yesterday, I had higher hoped for today. But of course, waking the kids from dead sleeps in the morning is always hard. They weren’t in the best shape, and I’m not in great shape on a good day, so we’re quite the family right now. Seriously, if its been a while since you’ve been around us, you’d notice the difference. We are all a bit ragged and grouchy. Christmas break can’t come soon enough. I am SO anticipating not setting my alarm, and on the days that the kids sleep past 8:00, actually being able to let them!!

The kids played fairly well this morning, with little issue. Our trouble came the moment anything was asked of them. And I mean anything. Our usually routine is the kids tidying toys up while I put lunch together. It happens that way every single day, but today, it was the end of the world. Despite all of the warnings (10 minutes, 5 minutes, 3 minutes, 1 more minute!) they seemed to be caught off guard by the time actually coming. Tidying came with weeping and fighting and the dragging of feet and gnashing of teeth. My. Goodness. I was not the example to follow this morning, as I sadly lost my cool and exploded at my children. As a clear headed individual would expect, that solved nothing, and it still took a million years for the toys to be returned to their places and the kids butts to be at the table.

Putting the boys down for naps amidst my quiet, embarrassed apologies is one of the worst things. I HATE doing that, but it would’ve been a great injustice had I not apologized for my behaviour. Solly snuggled into me, no problem, and seemed to feel like the air was clear. Rowan hugged me so tightly, told me he forgave me, and that he loved me. When I joined Laela back in the dining room, I apologized to her as well, and she gave me her token forgiveness face, when she tilts her head to one side, blinks her eyes more than seems natural, and nods. I told her I was sorry for yelling and being so harsh with her, and she forgave me and assured me that she loved me. Praise the Lord for my loving children, who are quick to forgive their ridiculously emotional/hormonal/rude/impulsive mother.

The air is clear, but I am now tired. More than my usual level of tired. Exhausted from how things played out today. Time to put my feet up and watch a movie with the girly. And drink some pop. Because I can’t stomach coffee right now, and we all know how badly I need a boost!

It turned out to be a great day for me and my little Bambino. I feel like the late post should show that, but I guess it could also indicate a bad day. Lucky for me, in this case, it was because of good things.

My mom was over this morning, which was SUCH a treat!! I feel like its been so so long. I usually see her a couple times a week, just for quick visits mostly, where she hangs around so I can take Dekker to school without having to take everyone along. But she caught a pretty vicious cold a while back and has been contagious and hacky and miserable for quite some time. But this morning, she was with us, and it was so welcomed! She stayed while Laela was at preschool, and while we visited, Solly fell asleep on me.

It hasn’t happened in so long, where he’s been so wiped out like this that he actually falls asleep with me, but I LOVED it. Sadly, it was pretty close to the time I needed to go get Laela, so he just got a shorty nap in 🙁 But he ate some lunch and had no problem going down again. Thank goodness! With that, Rowan napped like normal, and Laela came home from preschool in a pretty weepy/sleepy place, so they ALL napped! I love when that happens.

I crawled up into my own bed for a little while, and ate a snack with my medication. Guys, this mix from Costco. I can’t say enough good things about it. I’m going to eat the whole bag. I already told Brady. He doesn’t get any.

Its not overly mustardy at all, I promise. And the honey is SO sweet! You should really try it.

Around 12:30, my friend, Cher, popped over to help me out with something. You might remember from my Facebook post a while back, she did a beautiful project with me back in October. Just a few days ago, I was whining on here about kind of hating how my stomach looked, how it looked different than it did when I was pregnant with both Theo and Jamin. That I wasn’t showing the same way and I just felt poochy and belly-y. She offered to come and help me take some pictures, which I jumped all over! I won’t share (Cher! Get it?) any today, but maybe when I finally *gulp* crack out the series I’m putting off. We visited for a while first, and ate some pretzel mix. She’s fun to talk to, because we both have a lot to our lives, a lot to reminisce about, and we relate on a lot of things. I think I can safely say we enjoy each other’s company 😉 We had a really fun little session, and there was even talk of another project we may put together. Fun stuff ahead, guys!

Work called, so Cher was off, and not too long after that, Brady came home. He made it home nice and early, and helped me get the three nappers dressed and in the van to go get Dekker. I got him from class and we kind of hustled out to the van, because it was 3:15 and I had an ultrasound at 4:00!

As always happens, we made it with time to spare, and the place was empty. We took everyones boots and jackets off and they all made a beeline for the couches, magazines, etc. The receptionist was happy to see us and checked me in really quickly and informally. She encouraged us to pull out all the toys and books in the waiting room, but just in the nick of time, our lovely tech came to retrieve us. Right away, she interacted with Dekker, because she rarely sees him, with him usually being in school during my scans. He was friendly with her and she tousled his hair as we all went into the room together.

We got all set up and I lay down for my scan. I had to pee urgently, lol! I think it showed when I lifted my shirt and looked to be about six months along. I am NOT six months along. She put the wand on my abdomen, and then surprised me by quickly showing me a heartbeat before sending me off to the bathroom. “Just pee a little,” she said. I stared at her. “Just if you can, leave some in there. Pee a lot, its ok,” she changed her answer to. Magically, I succeeded at this, and peed “a lot” but left some in there. Lol! This is so much more information than you guys want to know… Aaaaanyway, I came back to the room to see our tech giving Solly high fives and playing with the kids. It was so lovely. I was far more comfortable, and we continued with the scan.

Guys, it was such a great ultrasound. I’m only 9 weeks 3 days along, but there was SO much to see! We saw tiny little arm buds, and we saw two little legs! We saw a nose!!! For the first time, we saw the cord, and we could watch the blood flowing through it. It was just amazing. Best of all, baby was wiggling! Noticeably wiggling!!! I cried, haha! Surprise! It has just been so exciting to see these tiny little stages, one after the other, and have that reassurance that at least, for now, the baby is doing EXACTLY what it should be!! For the specifics, baby is finally about an inch long 🙂 2.6 cms. And the heart rate keeps going up, and was at 176 bpm today! Everything. Was. Awesome.

She printed some pictures off for us again, and the receptionist gave us a big handful of Lindt chocolates on our way out. They are just SO good to us there ❤️ We have the best people!

We had a simple grilled cheese supper upon arriving home, and closed the day off with some fun music videos on YouTube that the kids like the dance to. Not Solly today, though. He was still so wiped out, he just sat with me and chewed his feet like an animal.

All the kids are in bed now, and I am BEAT. Its been an amazing day, but I’m wiped out, and the bubble bath is calling my name… I have the grab some of that pretzel mix first, though! Seriously, guys, it doesn’t disappoint. If you buy it and hate it, you can always drop it off over here…

I have a small handful of Christmas commitments on the books through the month, and today knocked one of them off! My friend, Carrie, and I were recruited to sing some songs, as well as lead a few songs, to a group of women from town. There is a ladies event that runs once a week at our church, and this was their annual Christmas brunch. Door prizes, music, and amazing food were the order of the morning.

We were fairly well practiced and for the most part, the music went off without much issue. I’ll admit I choked on one song, and by “choked,” I mean I choked up hard, and my crying made Carrie cry. Lol! Thats what happens when you ask two pregnant women to lead emotional things!! It was fine 😉 They’re a warm, loving bunch, and there was NO judgement.

I think the real winner of the morning was that hashbrown casserole, though. Myyyyy goodness. The quiche, fruit, cheese, pastry, etc. was also amazing, but I could’ve eaten my body weight in those hashbrowns. Ridiculous.

A close second to the hasbrowns were the AMAZING crew of willing childcare providers who played with ALL of the kids, while the rest of us sat and visited and smelled candles and yes, ate hashbrowns. Laela and Rowan had zero issue going to play downstairs. Solly had a little cry, but bounced back nice and quickly, and apparently was pretty independent from then on. My kids, though… 😍 Love them.

Carrie and I were both given these beautiful floral arrangements as gifts for singing, which was a lovely gesture! The kids love it so much, and I just put it out. We should really decorate more. They love when we do. But the arrangement is white carnations, with lots of greenery, Christmas ball ornaments, and pinecones. Its SO wintery and festive and I love it.

Now for a lazy afternoon, watching some Magic School Bus with Laela, and hopefully finding some food soon. I’m not going to lie. All I want are hashbrowns…

Its been a lovely, full day. I feel like its really no use to actually schedule my days out, because they change constantly. So far, however, today has turned out well 🙂

I helped out at preschool this morning. Laela is SO lively at home but pretty stone faced at preschool. Today on the drive, she informed me that she was going to sing along to the songs, and maybe do some actions. Like, I’m not kidding that she never does that kind of thing. She intentionally holds it back, which is fine, I guess. But I know what a livewire she is and I wished she’d just let loose sometimes! This morning, she made good on her promise, and waved her hands and giggled/sang through the songs. Finally!! It was great to see her free herself up a bit.

The morning went by quickly, and we headed home. Brady’s schedule had changed yesterday, so he was home today, and he got lunch together and set the kids up to eat. Not too long after the little boys had gone down, a friend invited Laela and I over for a playdate/cheesecake date. Obviously, we accepted, and drove on over for treats and a visit. It was SO good to just relax together with friends. Meanwhile, Brady happily stayed home and worked on a quote for a job he’s pricing out for a friend.

We stayed at our friends house until it was time to get Dekker from school, so I brought Laela along with me. She was pretty excited to be at the school, and to scope it out for when its her turn to go there. When Dekker exited his classroom, Laela right away opened her arms wide for a hug <3 It completely melted my heart!! Can they do that kind of thing forever?? Probably not, haha! But I can dream. It was a super sweet greeting.

We headed home from school and Brady started homework with the kids. By “homework” I mean Dekker’s actual homework and Laela’s workbook that she insists on doing every day! She LOVES practicing her letters! That girl is such a keener.

This evening, Brady is going to join some guys from the church for an evening of wings and hottubbing, and I think I’ll wrap some Christmas presents! They’ve all been sitting in my closet in a big pile for a while now, and now a stack of “wrapping worthy” boxes have accumulated beside the bed. Its time to get some of this clutter dealt with! Though there could be worse clutter than Christmas clutter!!!

I had every intention to start my blog series today. I was actually pretty excited about it, too! I have a name picked, and a few topics sort of laid out. But because of a few dumb (yes, I know they’re dumb) hangups, I’m not ready to start :/ Ugh. I AM ready, but I’m not. Its so frustrating to be in my head.

Hangup number one is that I can’t figure out how to take a belly picture. I remember how surprised I was that I was showing at 8 weeks with Theo, and then relieved to show so early again with Jamin. It made things feel a bit more real. Real talk here. I haven’t lost any of my baby weight I gained in my pregnancy with Jamin. If nothing else, I’ve probably gained a little. I’m NOT saying my body is bad, or ugly, or whatever else. But its different. I’m thicker than I was, about 15 lbs up from where I started my pregnancy with Jamin. So I don’t have a bump yet. Except the general bump that is my stomach. It wouldn’t really make sense to take a picture. I can’t really figure out how I feel about all of that, so because I’m hung up on taking a side shot of my new, thicker frame, and I don’t want to post my first series post with no picture, it waits.

Hangup number two is more relevant to me, and more honest with you. I’m just scared :/ Plain old scared. The last few weeks, I’ve been having ultrasounds on Mondays. This week, I booked my ultrasound for Thursday. Because I haven’t seen that baby’s heart today, I’m nervous to post. I know none of it would be my fault, but what if I started the series, and found out just days later that the baby was gone?? I hated closing off my last series so early, and I know that can happen at any time, so I can’t totally protect myself from that, but I’m seeing that its going to take more balls to actually start this one. Sigh.

So I’m feeling a tad discouraged, but Brady’s work schedule just shifted and he’s coming home early today and is home tomorrow! Surprise!!! I’m so glad <3 This week was shaping up to feel a litle daunting, so this helps a little.

Sorry for dropping the ball on this series. Maybe next week.

If any of you have ever been on a sleep aid, you’ve probably noticed that it changes your sleep cycles a little bit. The medication that pregnant women can take during pregnancy is actually sold over the counter in the states under a different name, and its marketed as a sleep aid. And WOW, does it deliver. While it takes the edge off of my nausea (which I am super grateful for) it leaves me feeling pretty out to lunch most days. Last week was the most fatigued I’ve felt so far in this pregnancy, and really, in any pregnancy that I can remember. I’ve been dozing off in the days and falling asleep in the evenings VERY early. When it is finally bedtime, I fall asleep easily, but my sleep is restless and choppy. Waking up is HARD, and I hit the snooze button at least twice every morning, something that I didn’t ever do before this week. And when I do drag myself out of bed, I throw on the clothes closest to me, stumble my way downstairs and take – you guessed it! My sleeping pill. Because if I don’t, I’d be sick as a dog. Or sicker. I don’t know. I don’t have a dog…

So, now that you know how my day-to-day looks, I’ll talk about this morning. I was up at least four times last night, thought it could’ve been more. I definitely remember four times. In between that, there were many time I remember thinking “How long have I been awake?” So I don’t know if those are long stretches of time, or just multiple wakings, or maybe I’m just sleeping light. I remember this in my last pregnancy, too. I slept the nights up, exhausted, and disoriented. Its pretty challenging, and coffee isn’t sitting especially well these days. At least not until I’ve been up for a few hours. So this morning, I woke up after my restless night and we decided to go to church this morning. I couldn’t bear to drag my butt out of bed until I absolutely had to, so there was no shower for me. My stringy, disgusting, neglected hair was thoroughly doused in dry shampoo and braided to the side to help me appear human. I put on makeup, but realized as I was leaving that I had forgotten both concealer and lipstick. This girl needed concealer today, and if you know me, you know I love lipstick. If you do nothing else, do lips, and you look put together. And I did not.

We made our way to church, 5/6 washed and dressed in clean clothes, and then there was me. I’m sure everyone noticed just how zombie I looked. A little ways into church, I was able to stomach some coffee, and I ate a crushed bag of Ritz bits out of the bottom of the diaper bag. Because, desperation. I’ll be the first to admit that I was NOT set up for church today.

But we all lived, and church was good. Its always lovely to be back in our loving church community, learning of the needs of people, some that I can even help with. Its good to hug our friends that we only seem to see on Sundays. Its good to participate in some decision making as church members. It was good to listen to our pastors teachings, and sing along to the worship music prepared. Its always fulfilling to go to church.

Let’s be honest. I feel pretty out to lunch today, and am in worse shape than I would be had we not gone to church. But its always good to remember that we don’t have to be at the top of our game to go and receive church as its offered, to put into the church, and to fellowship with the people we love. God promises to give us rest, and you’d better believe I feel weary, and eager to accept that rest.

This morning, while setting up some music with a friend, a song brought a thought forward to me, and I feel the need to hash it out a little.

Its almost Christmas. Looking back to where I was last Christmas has been a hard thing for me over the last couple of weeks. Last Christmas, we told the kids we were pregnant with our little schnookums, Theo. I was 8 weeks when we told them. Little did we know, we stopped growing just days later, and lived in my womb for another 3-ish weeks before we found out he was gone. But we were eight weeks pregnant at Christmas. This year, we’ll hopefully be 12 weeks pregnant. Hopefully. While I know there has been more to this year than our sorrow alone, its easy to look at this year and think that, in 52 weeks, we only moved 4 weeks further ahead. And thats IF we keep moving ahead. Its felt like a year of back pedalling. Two weeks forward, 18 weeks back, 17 weeks forward, 10 weeks back, 8 weeks forward… We need more forward weeks.

Trust me, friends. I know there is more to life than having babies. I was so ignorant and unknowing about things like infertility or infant loss until I began having children and learned of how many people just ache for them, but haven’t been able to have them, for one reason or another. There are also many people who live amazing, fulfilling lives and who don’t want children. I’m not saying having babies is the end all and be all. Not everyone HAS to have children. I cannot stress this enough. I do NOT think my life is more important than yours! Hear me in this! But guys, my heart is there. My heart just hurts for a big family, and sometimes I forget just how good I have it. I do see it, I promise.

We have moved forward this year. More than just four weeks. Its hard to see past what we lost and pinpoint what we’ve gained. I won’t lie. I have a hard time nailing done what we’ve accomplished, but I know those details are there. Dekker and Laela accepted Jesus into their hearts this year, and I know that our experience losing Theo played a large role in that. It also eased their precious hearts when we lost Jamin a few months after that. The talk of salvation and Jesus and Heaven has been exciting for everyone around here, and if that’s all we “gained” this year, I’d say thats a pretty good takeaway.

There are still a few more weeks to make December great, and to “gain ground” in our lives. I know that opportunity never goes away, but its easy to remember where you were at the same time last year. How far have you guys come? <3

So I napped twice yesterday. Conveniently, Brady was home so it was possible. He hauled all of the kids to school to pick Dekker up so I could have some peace and quiet, and WOW did I use it! It was so good to sleep in the day, but even with two naps, I was nodding off before 9:30. I swear, I don’t think I have ever been this tired in a pregnancy before! Oy!

Today has been much of the same, save for the fact that Brady is not at home. I was falling asleep at the breakfast table, but managed to wait until around 10:00 before I truly couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. I had the three kids in my care, so rather than going and laying down in bed, I snuggled into my recliner and dozed for a bit. I could still hear a lot of what was going on, and I was definitely still in control, but I was also sleeping on and off. I heard lots of racing around the island, lots of stories read to each other, Rowan made a few phone calls (on pretend phones) to “Dr ‘Selle,” where he exclaimed over and over again that she was buying me a pizza. And multiple times, I heard “Oh! Sshh! Mommy’s ‘teepin’! I have something for her,” and someone would gently stack yet another stuffed animal or blanket on top of me. It wasn’t the most restful sleep I’ve ever had but I really liked it. Was a VERY cute nap.

I have since woken up from my nap (obviously) and played with, fed, and watered my children. Two fo them are napping, and the girly and I are watching some Magic School Bus. I won’t lie. I expect I’ll nap again, here in my chair, while she watches some tv and relaxes herself. Should be an ultra-relaxing afternoon. At least thats what I’m counting on!! Hopefully Dekker is on board with it when he gets home.

And, for the evening, Jerilee is coming over for some trashy tv, and a new Instapot Soup. Nothing says relaxing like soup and low maintenance friendships.

I’ve been feeling more beat than usual these past few days. Not unheard of at this stage of the game, obviously, but there’s been a noticeable shift. After bringing Laela to preschool this morning, I went to sit on the recliner in the living room and ended up dozing off. I would occasionally wake up to warm air on my face, and I’d open my eyes, only to be greeted by Solomon’s face directly in front of mine, staring at me, nose breathing onto my face. As soon as I’d open my eyes, he’s squeal or laugh or both. I never lasted long before closing my eyes again, but it became a very slow motion game of peekaboo. It was a hilarious (and consistent) wakeup call for quite a while.

I don’t know how long I slept that way, but eventually my alarm went off to notify me it was time to pick Laela up from preschool. Don’t judge me for setting an alarm, lol! I do it every preschool day, kids club evening, and anything outside of regular school hours. Because, these days, like most everything down, if its not written down or recorded somehow, it doesn’t exist. If I didn’t set an alarm, I’d probably forget to pick them up. No joke. Mom of the year award does not go to me in this case, lol!

I was a yawning mess at preschool pickup, but a few of the moms there know I’m pregnant, so there was no judgement. We all had a brief chat about just how tired/sick we were during which pregnancy, and boiled it down to the fact that building a human is just hard hard work.

Brady checked the pregnancy apps we follow today, in hopes of finding out why I was quite so wiped. Maybe its a bigger week than normal? But it doesn’t really seem to be. Baby is around the size of a square 2×2 Lego brick. Growing hair follicles, eyelids are fusing shut, etc. Nothing too crazy seems to be happening. Though the app did say the baby was moving around like crazy, and at our ultrasound earlier this week, there was no movement yet at all. Maybe thats just started and is exhausting my body?? I don’t know, but whatever is going on, I am wiped out. I’m writing this from my bed, where I will likely fall asleep again in the next half hour or so. Don’t let me forget to take my medication before I nap, though! I forgot it yesterday until mid-afternoon, and WOW did I regret it!

I’m SO thankful that everyone has already lost their marbles, meaning that they will ALL nap. Everyone, including me.

This morning, Facebook offered me my “on this day” memories while I was still in bed. I went to look through them, and ended up reading the short little blog entry I posted last year. Dekker had missed a day of school due to illness, and I talked about taking him to school the next day. He had cooperated with me, come to school no problem, but when I knelt down to hug him, he had locked eyes with me and said very quietly that he wanted to stay home. He had looked like he was going to cry. I had hugged him and pep talked him a little bit, and he understood that he had to stay. Luckily, that day had smoothed out well, because a couple of other kids were waiting to play with him, and he was included instantly. But it was really eye opening to read that post and remember where we were, and how far we’ve come.

Our mornings around here are pretty standard. Breakfast, bathroom, teeth, clothes, hair, done. If there’s time after that, he plays a bit, but usually its pretty quick after he’s done getting ready that he starts bundling up to leave. He used to cry when I’d tell him to put his toys away and to get his jacket on. Not anymore. He just dumps them in their spot and heads to the entrance to get ready. On days when I have help in the mornings, its just he and I. He gets bundled up and gets his backpack on. In spring, he had started having preferences about what I should wear. He liked to pick prettier shoes for me 🙂 I loved that.

As we head out to the garage, the kids all yell loud “BYEs” and “I LOVE YOUs” at each other, with some “God bless you’s” thrown in once in a while. Its cute. He buckles himself in the van and shouts “Ready!” from his spot, and we go.

We park as close to the school as we can get, and walk to the school, hand in hand. I walk him as far as his boot room and send him in on his own to put his backpack away. I used to go in with him, but the boot room is chaotic, and he’s more than capable. I wait for him outside. It only takes a few seconds before he barrels out the door and rushes at me, bellowing something at me about catching him. And he’s never kidding. He jumps up into the air and I catch him in a corny, movie-esque type scene. Since all of the sickness, I’ve been kissing his cheek, though he always tries for a mouth kiss first. We say big “I love yous” and I tell him to have a great day. He says he will, and then races for the playground without looking back. Once in a blue moon, he has turned and run back to me, saying he forgot to hug me 😉 I’m ok with that. I hope he ALWAYS hugs me in that tight headlock kind of way, and wants to kiss me goodbye. I hope it stays forever.

How far we’ve come in the last year. He likes school, and it appears that school likes him, too. I really couldn’t be prouder.