I had the privilege of experiencing Rowan as a baby all over again today! Ok, not really, obviously. It was a rough start for him this morning, with lots of tears and lots of disappointment and LOTS of snuggles to bring him back to life.

At one point, he came to sit on my lap, and then told me he wanted to be a baby. He then started writhing around, hurting me left and right, until he was finally settled across me in my chair, just like a baby.

It was cozy, and he lay contentedly on me for quite a while.

It didn’t take long before Laela realized her brother was MIA and came searching for him. She loved how snuggled up he was, and stood beside us, stroking his face and his hair, commenting on how soft he is.

It was such a soft, sweet moment. One of the few when no one was upset or crying. I wanted to document it better, but the moment I turned the camera on just the kids…

They’re so funny 💗 They’re such a great pair. Our baby snuggle was effectively ruined once Laela left and Rowan wanted to be with her. But I am SO thankful for these special little moments I get with each kid each day. They’re small spans of time, but I am so grateful for them. I’ve started to do diaper changes with the door closed, so that it is just me and the little boys whose diaper I am changing. I also get the little boys to myself when Laela is at preschool I get to hang with just Laela during nap time. Dekker and I do homework every day up in my room, just he and I.

This baby snuggle today was something special.

Its not a secret that we’re bad at getting to church. On one hand, its a busy stage of life with the kids, and its SO much easier to just not go, but its also really hard to get back in the habit of things once you stop. And we WANT to be there! Brady and I have been feeling like its time to get back into the swing of it recently, and the kids have even been asking to go! I’ll take the blame, though, and say that I haven’t been ready to go there and face a crowd of people who all show us SO much love and concern, because I knew I’d just weep through it. However, the time had to come, and we were on the schedule to help lead worship this Sunday. So, today was the day.

I choked my way through our music practice pretty badly. It just felt so emotional to be back, and leading people, of all things, at such a weak time of my life. But I see a lot of value in being vulnerable, too, and I don’t think being in a position of leadership means you have to be strong 100% of the time. Or 50%. Of even ever. God called us here and works through us, wherever we’re at. Or at least thats what I prayed for.

The actual worship leading went well. I only choked up once or twice, and that was fine. People sang with us, and I was reassured many times that people were happy to see us back. There was lots of love and concern sent our way this morning, and that was amazing.

I’ll admit, though, I am completely spent after this morning. Beyond leading singing and being back at church for the first time in a long time, add to that a couple of temperamental kids, a baby who will not sit still but will also not be set down, a bunch of snot, and a full luggage set of emotional baggage. I. Am. Tired.

So as I lay snuggled up in bed, Brady is about to take Dekker to a birthday party, the two little boys are napping, and Laela is sitting at the table heading up her one-woman hunger strike. I’m chilly and dozey and feel like I can’t hack a whole lot else today, but I also feel good. It was good to be at church. The air there is clearer, and even though the kids were hands on enough that I didn’t catch any of the actual message of the service, the community felt refreshing.

I’m looking forward to what the rest of the day has to hold. That being a visit with my parents, pancakes for supper, happy playful kids, and more relaxing.

Have a lovely Sunday.

We’ve all acquired our “back to school” colds. No matter how hard we try to keep it contained to only one or two victims, its inevitable that everyone is going to get it. And we did. Solly included.

That poor dude has been suffering hard. He is just pouring snot, and his little voice is hoarse as all get out. He has finally given in to having his nose wiped, which is a relief, honestly. The wrestling match of trying to wipe his nose resulted in both he being covered in snot by the end of it. Thankfully, it seems he’s figured out that the cleanliness feels good. So he lets it happen. But he cries and cries and fusses pretty much constantly. Now, in general, he’s a pretty content guy. Even when he’s sick, he doesn’t want to be held constantly at all. But he must play within two feet of me at all times. If I move, he lays on the floor and weeps. Its just a tad restricting.

Yesterday, he was screaming from about 3:30 until 4:45. There was nothing anyone could do to comfort him, so I took him up to my room for a snuggle. But let me be clear. The screaming continued the entire time. No amount of hugging, cuddling, walking, singing, etc. could convince him to be still. When I knew it just wasn’t going to happen, I gave up trying to stop it and just stroked his back while he screamed.

That was an EXHAUSTING hour, and I took a solid break after everyone finished their supper.

This morning, Brady is off helping some friends replace their windows and I’m home with the littles. Solly is once again in the worst shape of everyone, but I feel like maaaybe his nose is running slightly less? So there’s hope. After a momentary breakdown, I scooped him up and he lay contentedly across my lap, and just gave me the sweetest little smiles, and seemed to recover so quickly. I had a chance to glance into his wide open trap and, sure enough, it looks like he’s working on eye teeth!! Nothing is through yet, but those spaces used to be flat and smooth, and they’re looking bumpy today. So pushing teeth plus his first cold in a while gives him every reason to be grouchy for the last few days. I get it, Solly. Its hard to be so uncomfortable day after day!

A loving friend dropped by at lunch time with a pizza for us!! She knew we were without a parent, and that sometimes meals can be the hardest parts of the day. How thoughtful is that?! So everyone sat down to a delicious lunch of pizza, and everyone ate well!! Solly was briefly distracted by the food, and thankfully, he LOVED the pizza!

Look at that happy little pizza face!!! 😍

Now, the little boys are down for naps, and the big kids are playing Lego and watching Magic School Bus. And I have my feet up. Because I’ve earned that this morning!

Happy weekend, everyone!

If you read yesterdays post, you know how thrilled I was to get so many of our results back! All of the blood work was back, and my ultrasound results were back. There were lots of little details I could’ve added to that post, but it wouldn’t made it FAR too long! Either way, I left the day and the post feeling like things were great and I was about as “cleared” as I could be.

Yesterday, after I posted the blog, (post post, lol) I spoke to my family doctor. I just have such a good relationship and history with her, I prefer to go over most things with her as well, and she has always left me room to do just that. I had left a message, and she called me back in the evening to go over everything and answer the few questions I had. I love talking medicine with her because she has a really good way of using layman’s terms without making me feel silly and uneducated, but she also gives me a lot of credit and knows that I know a decent amount of the big words too 😉 It just feels like a good balance, and we have great banter.

She went through my blood results very thoroughly, and helped me understand why some things on there are actually good when I thought they were bad to begin with. We agreed that my hcg isn’t back to normal yet, but its very low, leaving no concern about leftover tissues/placenta inside my body. It all felt like a win. Same story with my ultrasound results. The small changes were completely unremarkable. The ultrasound had also confirmed that there is nothing leftover in my body, coinciding with my blood work. Once we were through that, she kind of just summarized our chat. “We’ve gone over your blood work, that was all clear. That was your ultrasound, aaaaand here are the baby’s placenta results, but you’ve probably heard those already…”

😮

Indeed I had NOT heard those yet!!! When I spoke to my OB just days before, she didn’t have them in my file yet and told me they’d likely be months away. I had kind of come to terms with the fact that we might even already be pregnant again before they came back. And once again, I did NOT have to wait for those results, because they came WAY faster than anticipated!! Praise God!

I eagerly told Dr. Guselle that I hadn’t heard them yet, and she seemed surprised. She apologized that she wasn’t more prepared and gave them a quick read herself before reading them to me. She kept reminding me that she was not a specialist, so she might not know every word, but she’d try. That was all I wanted, I assured her.

So! Jamin’s placental results! Firstly, it tested negative for all the “itises,” lol! There was no obvious illness, infection, or problem. Until we got to the fine print. There was a very noncommittal note that stated there was the small possibility of a placental infarction.

First of all, apparently they’re just called “infarcs.” I swear, I thought my doctor was saying “in-fart” over and over again on the phone. But I’m an adult. So I only laughed later.

A placental infarction is basically a piece of the placental tissue that died, likely from no blood flow into that area. This hypothetical one was suspected to have been about 2cm x 2cm. How hypothetical can it be if it had a measurement? So it was a small spot. Sometimes, they cause no real issues and baby is born fine. Sometimes, they cause stillbirth. You can’t know until you’re there, or until its all over, I suppose.

I want to stress here that I KNOW this is all just hypothetical. BUT I’m weirdly relieved that something finally came up in all the many test results that shows what could have possibly caused Jamin’s passing. At the very least, it gives me totally justified reason to be on the aspirin regiment that I wanted to be put on! Dr. Guselle offered to write a letter to my OB on my behalf to discuss these results and hear her thoughts on this new information and possibly make a plan.

I say it far too often, but I am just SO thankful to have all of these people on my medical team. I have the BEST people in all of the important places, and I feel so cared for. I see that Dr. Guselle is being careful not to step on toes, and she is very confident in my OB, but I also know that my OB expects to transfer me back to Dr. Guselle whenever I feel comfortable, and she is more than fine with that as well. They both want whats best for me, physically and mentally, and for that I am SO thankful!

Like I said yesterday, this all feels a bit premature to share so publicly, haha! You guys know by now that I’m not especially private, and it feels like it would almost be unfair to start trying to be private now. So many of you have rolled through these hard things with us this year (What a year its been! Oy!) and it would be a shame if we couldn’t share the victories with you as well!

Thank you for your seemingly unending support, and for sharing in our life!

I don’t know about you guys, but isn’t the lesson you’re learning always a lesson in patience? Isn’t the game always a waiting game? “Good things are worth waiting for.” SO many things are based around waiting patiently, and while that’s life for everyone, I don’t know a single person who likes to wait. Nope nope nope. I am in that boat, for the record, of people who do not like waiting.

I spent yesterday waiting (yup) for my OB to call with results from my ultrasound the day before. Not because I thought something was bad or wrong, but because I knew she had my results and I wanted them too! I was feeling quite grouchy yesterday, and Brady was being SO patient with me. He sent me to bed and brought me treats. He even baked. He was SO understanding. I finally resurfaced, and came to join my family in the living room. I told Brady that, while I wasn’t feeling specifically upset about anything in particular, my thoughts kept going back to my scan and the fact that I still didn’t have results. Very literally, moments after I voiced these thoughts, my phone rang. And it was my OB!

She greeted me pleasantly and asked if I had 5-10 minutes to chat with her. My first thought was “Of course, I’ve been waiting all day for you to call!” and my second thought was “Thats a long time to say that everything looks normal…” But I went with choice A and went upstairs so I could concentrate on the call. She told me she had my ultrasound results to go over, and then she said she had my blood work results back!

GUYS!!!! My 4-6 week wait for blood work took EIGHT. DAYS. Thank you, Lord, for throwing me a bone and not making me wait any longer!!

I was completely floored when she said she had my blood work, and she laughed and said she was too. “It had to be shipped to Calgary, so I’m not sure how you swung this!” God. It was all God. Hands down.

I am both confused and thrilled to tell you guys that I tested completely clear of any blood clotting disorder!! The flip side of this leaves me with no answers as to why Jamin died, once again, but in the grand scheme of things, I would far rather have no disorder than to have one. So I’m praising God that there is nothing showing up that is problematic! I had already come to terms with the fact that we might never know why Jamin died, and to have that confirmed is a bit hard on my heart. But again, big picture. No disorder! Win! Praise God!

My ultrasound had a few notes. A few small changes were listed, but it seemed more like changes that were pretty unremarkable, and they couldn’t just not be noted. Some thickening in places, etc. Nothing too scary. My OB said she had run it by a seasoned specialist in her office and they had agreed that the results of the ultrasound were not in any way alarming, and shouldn’t be a reason to worry about getting pregnant.

Sooooo I guess I’m kind of in the clear? I still have a lot of emotions to sort out on the subject, with being happy about my test results but being annoyed about having no answers. No big decisions are being made today, and I know all of you lovely people would tell me not to rush or push myself in this. But I think many of you also know our hearts, and our desires. So we will wait and see where and when God leads us.

This all feels a bit premature to share, but I can’t resist sharing the miracle that happened, with my results coming in WEEKS ahead of schedule, and being CLEAR! God is so good 🙂 And God is here. Its unmistakable. Undeniable. Indescribable.

Thank you all for your love and concern and prayers! We are completely floored, once again.

As fall is clearly upon us, I’ve been saying how ready I am for a change of season and scenery. I need to feel that time is moving forward. Not that I’m wishing the days away. Trust me, I’m making a very conscious effort not to do just that. But time is rigid. Stock still. Unmoving. And that has to change.

I realized a day or two ago that in losing our Jamin, I lost a few other things. Smaller things. But important things, to me. I was due to have my baby in January, and I was anticipating seeking out some beautiful winter maternity photos. I had a very specific idea of what I would wear, and how snowy it might be, and how enamoured I would be with the baby tucked away in my big round belly. They would’ve been beautiful pictures, really documenting our excitement and love well. And now, thats gone too.

I’m so disappointed to see so many little dreams and ideas float away seemingly so easily. I know things will change, we will recover to a healthy point, and I like to think we’ll get our chance at those beautiful maternity photos again. But right now, it just all feels like a gross injustice.

Miscarriage photo shoot, anyone? Pretty sure that’s not a thing.

A few days after my appointment with my OB, she called me with some ideas. She said she was thinking a bit more about our appointment and wondered if I would be willing to go for a pelvic ultrasound to rule out possible polyps or any other internal problem like that. She said it was an unlikely answer, as polyps would probably keep me from conceiving at all, rather than ending a pregnancy. But she wanted to be thorough and cover all the bases. I am in full support of that, have no issue consenting to that kind of test, and honestly, it feels good to be doing something while I wait for the blood test results to come in. Its literally been a week since my blood was sent in for testing, and I’ve heard there are likely 3-5 more weeks to wait for results! Ack!! So obviously, I said I would be more than willing to go for the ultrasound.

Today was the day. While Dekker was at school, and the little boys were napping, my mom came over to watch Frozen (yet again) with Laela, and Brady and I went to the scan together. I feel like, after everything we’ve gone through this year, I will never be made to go to an appointment alone ever again. And honestly, I love that. I appreciate the safety of having someone with me <3 And I know it takes time out of someone elses schedule, in this case, my moms. But I know people are willing to help us out and show us love, and for that I am SO thankful!

My ultrasound wasn’t exciting. I kept glancing up to the screen, looking for that token baby-filled uterus you always see in pictures. Who knows what a pelvic ultrasound looks like?? Finally, I just stopped watching. It was boring. But it was so lovely to see our tech again! The three of us chatted the entire visit, topics ranging from Jamin (obviously) to winter sports to the kids getting sick, etc. It was much more relaxed than our previous ultrasounds, for obvious reasons. None of that “looking for life in there” stuff this time.

If I had to make a prediction, I am a tad suspicious that she found something notable in there. I can’t be sure, but will hopefully hear soon. She seemed to get extra focused from time to time, leaning closer to the screen. But to be fair, I don’t know what she’s supposed to be seeing in there, so I don’t actually know anything.

I can honestly say that I’m not worried. Either I’m in the clear, or I’m not and we’ll have something to work on in there. I know there could be worse answers, but I’m not even there in my head. I don’t feel fear about this today. I’m taking it as a positive experience where I got to touch base with my lovely sonographer once again. I’m not sure how much more I’ll see her. If the future holds more ultrasounds for me, many of them will likely be at my OBs office, so we’ll see. I hope, one day, I can bring in a new baby for her to snuggle, however briefly it may be.

I’ll let you guys know results as soon as I have them! Thanks for following us and caring about us <3

I cannot stress enough how important it is for women to go to physio after having babies. Even if everything seems to be working right, its just a really good idea. I can’t really force this one anyone, because to be fair, I only started going after I had Solly because I strained a muscle that refused to get better, and I’ve been going on and off.

My physiotherapist is wonderful. She specializes in womens health, and I would eagerly recommend her to anyone in search of a physiotherapist. Besides her amazing wealth of knowledge, she has an exquisite balance between sensitivity and sarcasm. Professional and personal. She is the whole package. I am consistently blown away by the fact that I seem to have the best people in all the right places. Not to sound too “Barney Stinson” ish, but I have a “guy” for just about everything. I don’t have a “guy” guy, but if you need one, I’ll be yours! (For those who haven’t watched “How I Met Your Mother,” please feel free to ignore this reference and move on, haha!)

I had seen my physio just a few days before we found out Jamin had died, and at the time, we had booked a follow up. Hers was a phone I called in tears, explaining my newfound situation, and asking if we should keep our appointment, postpone it, etc. I missed her call when she did call me back, but she expressed her sincere condolences and said I should feel free to take an extra week or two, and then we’d follow up when my body was further into the postpartum stage. And that was today.

She called me back into my appointment and right away asked if she could offer me a hug. I gladly accepted, and we spent the first chunk of my appointment talking about what we’d struggled through the last few weeks. She asked me about what tests, if any, I’d been through since then, and we discussed OBs and tests and the like. Being an expert in her field, she has really good connections with some of the OBs in the city, so we had a lot to talk about. When we got to the point of talking about our plans for the future, she was so warm and understanding of where my heart is, and we talked about strengthening all the right things inside my core and my pelvic floor in preparation for yet another pregnancy. She is such a positive person, in how she speaks and how she teaches. I could see it was an intentional thing to think optimistically and to plan for the best, which I really appreciated. She was totally understanding when I got teary from time to time, and just continued to encourage me and make things as simple as possible. I always leave appointments with her feeling like what has been asked of me it completely doable. My days are full and hectic, but she doesn’t ask too much of me at all. And never does she demand perfection. EVER.

We made a plan and I left feeling hopeful and encouraged. It always feels good to be doing as much as you can humanly possibly be doing for your body, so thats what I’m trying for! But I am now home, eating a grossly unhealthy lunch and watching Frozen with my daughter and husband. Jealous, anyone?

More than ever, I’m trying to live day by day. Looking too far ahead makes me crazy, and its not healthy for me. I know this. That being said, though, I love anticipating and looking forward to things. Having lost two babies this year, I’m obviously finding it hard not to be planning for and anticipating the birth of another child. Its possibly one of the biggest challenges I’ve ever experienced.

So I’ve decided to channel my planning energy into Christmas!! I wrote on Facebook earlier that I am more than aware that some of my friends have pretty strong feelings about getting into the Christmas spirit “too early.” Let’s just keep with the rule of thumb and be polite, even if we disagree on this one, ok? I am struggling SO HARD with not looking ahead, so I’ve given up trying not to, and have just changed the thing I’m anticipating. Makes sense, right? Right. I think so too 😉

For the last few years, we’ve done the four categories of Christmas gifts. Each kids gets something they want, something they need, something to wear, and something to read. We like to get them one shared thing as well, and then jammies, socks, and underwear as needed. Basically stuff that we’d normally buy them if it was necessary, but we make it be part of Christmas, haha! I love this system for a lot of reasons. We don’t end up with a TON of toys, for one thing. We can make part of the gift giving practical. And I really like that we can plan ahead and therefore be nice and organized, as well as being smarter financially.

This year is proving more difficult as I’ve been brainstorming lists for the kids. To be fair, I know I have time, but I love to be organized and ready in advance. If I’m all ready and shopped up early, I can spend more time doing activities with the kids, baking, etc. So the brainstorming began a couple of weeks ago already. We’ve made decisions already on everyone’s “something to read,” and we have a plan for their “something to wear” as well. We have a few of the “wear” items on hand already, and have ordered a few sets of jammies. So its starting to come together, slowly.

Each year, I find the “something to need” to be the biggest challenge. We are fortunate enough to be able to purchase what our children truly need as they come up. So I’ve had trouble discerning what actually constitutes a need. Last year, I gave up and just chose them practical gifts for their needs. Laela got a jewelry box for her tangled pile of necklaces. Dekker got a new pillow. Stuff like that. This year, we already have a few needs chosen, and strangely, the part of the list that is giving us the most trouble is the wants!!

I assume Dekker and Laela being in school will give them some ideas of what they want, though so far Laela insists she wants a stuffed toy for Christmas. Because apparently the four she sleeps with, along with her pillow and three blankets isn’t enough, haha! I don’t just want to buy toys, honestly. They have SO many. I’ve been super excited, though, to find some really cool things and really good ideas that are somewhat practical that I know our kids will love. But here’s my quandary. They’ll all be pretty useless in winter. They’ll be awesome in spring and in the warmer months, but not in winter.

What would you do? Would you get them these fun things for the warmer months, only to pack them away until the time comes? Or would you keep brainstorming for other things? I’m so tossed up. They’ll like these things WAY more than something plastic floating around the living room for a couple of months, but at least those they’d get to play with. Please share your thoughts with me!!

A certain group of monkeys woke up SO early this morning. “Hailey, you don’t know what early mornings are, your kids sleep until 9:00!” I know, I know, my kids are great sleepers. They’ve been waking earlier recently, for the record, but the last few days have been around 6:30 which, while not unheard of, is definitely on the early side of things for all of us. Including them. With this shift, plus adding in school and other activities, everyone’s attitudes have taken a bit of a hit, and the kids are grouchy in the mornings. The mornings used to be the best time of their day, but its been a struggle the last little while.

This morning was similar, in the way that it was getting scrappy. All three older kids were constantly nitpicking at each other, tattling over everything, crying very easily, etc. Its survivable, but draining behavior. Brady decided to take the kids on a bike ride, because sometimes a change of scenery is the best thing. The kids were thrilled, and everyone was eager to get dressed and get going. I was feeling fairly wiped out from the morning myself, but Brady was willing to take everyone on his own. Anticipating the break ahead gave me some good energy, and I helped everyone get ready to go. Except the entire time they were supposed to be getting ready, they were fighting!! Dekker would throw clothes at Laela, who would then scream bloody murder at him. Then Dekker would be perpetually sour at Laela, who would then lie about him throwing more clothes, even though I was there and saw that he hadn’t. It was a constant battle, with constant reminders, but it soon became clear that a reward just wasn’t up for grabs in this case.

I know. Trust me, I know. A bike ride would’ve ended some of the fighting and been a distraction. Thats not so much how we parent. We don’t love the redirection thing. No burn on anyone who does! Its just how we do things, and in this case, a bike ride would’ve been easier, but those kids needed a consequence. So we called the bike ride off, and everyone bawled. Brady and I realized right away just how unfair this all was to the little boys, so he took them out to the garage so Rowan could play on the trike and Solly could crawl around with the sand toys.

And thats how I went from getting a break and some silence to cleaning the house with the weepy, wounded children.

It wasn’t how I had hoped to spend my morning, but it was important. And really, it worked out. The kids understood why they lost their outing, and once they got over the initial disappointment, they buckled down and cleaned. But because I’m their parent, I cleaned too. We vacuumed the whole main floor, scrubbed down the chairs and high chairs, wiped all door handles and cabinet handles/drawer pulls. Laela wiped down the bathroom faucet and Dekker cleaned the coffee makers. The fridge, stove, and dishwasher fronts were all washed, and baseboards were dusted. I cleaned the microwave and stove tops, and helped them with their jobs. At that point, I figured we had burned through enough Lysol wipes for one day, and I called everyone in to my huddle. They both remembered what they had done, and owned their punishments. And then we all had a good hug and moved on.

I’m glad the morning is over, but its good that it happened. I’m 110% exhausted right now, which I know I don’t have much of a right to feel, but nevertheless, I am. Brady is going to continue some work into the garage and move some things around. Since we bought biked in spring, there has been no hope of parking our van in the garage, and I’d really like to have that available to us again before winter comes. So some rearranging would be handy, and Brady is willing.

Now just to get my butt up to continue in the productive day…