Parent Teacher interviews started yesterday, and Dekker’s was at 4:00pm. I was a bit nervous for it, if I’m being honest, because upon picking Dekker up from school, he was SO tired. He draaaaagged his backpack up the stairs like a lazy teenager, and complained as he unpacked it. I was not feeling optimistic about bringing him in to a meeting with me. We only stuck around at home for about a half hour before heading back to school, and I snuck him a granola bar in the van. A desperate move to get some energy back into him!

And it worked! He was happy to have a treat, and it put some spring back in his step. He was intrigued by the weirdly dark, empty school. We sat in the hallway and waited for our turn while he finished his snack. In chatting with the principal as she walked by, I learned that the information I had received earlier had been wrong, and that the meeting was not 45 minutes long (thank goodness!) but rather 15, which is much more doable for a tired six year old.

Everything was running on time and we got in to meet with Dekker’s teacher right on time. And I am SO pleased to say that she had literally no concerns with him whatsoever. There is obviously always an area thats more challenging that can use improvement, but thats learning, right? She just gushed about how much he’s learning and improving, and really stressed how hard he is working. “He really tries hard!” she said over and over. She showed me his “scores” from the very beginning of the year and where they are now, and it was SO amazing to see just how much he’s learned in only one months time. She even credited some of his learning to the work that Brady and I are putting in, saying it evident that we’re willing and involved. That felt good. We also talked about Dekker’s reactions to things, and how he’s starting to be able to control his emotions a little bit quicker these days, too. Even just that day, he had taken a pretty decent fall on the playground, and had been pretty put off, but hadn’t made a big dramatic scene. Just dusted off and kept playing. For the record, he didn’t even mention it to me! I only heard about it at the meeting! So clearly, it didn’t set him back too far. Lastly, at the end of the meeting, his teacher looked at him so lovingly and told him that he was one of the nicest human beings she knew. Dekker got SO bashful and buried his head into my lap, giggling and saying “sanks.” It was adorable! She made a point to really tell me that Dekker was such a gentleman, and just so so sweet. That he was sensitive and caring and a great helper. She told me she was on team Dekker, and that she had zero concerns with him in any way.

It was a really great date <3

Dekker and I both left feeling great. He was so bashful, but so puffy and proud at the same time. And honestly, I was too! I was so thrilled with how well he’s doing and progressing! I have a nice open door thing going with his teacher, and I know for a fact that she would tell me if there was any extra help needed or any concerns to address. And I love that, right now, things are going smoothly.

We got home and ate a yummy supper, but from about 5:30 on, Dekker was positively itching for 7:00! Today was his very first time going to kids club, and he was SOOO stoked to go!! Every ten minutes or so, he’d ask if it was time. Finally, I got down to his level and assured him that I knew when he needed to be there, and I knew what time it was now, and I would get him there on time. Didn’t help, haha! He was so impatient, but in a really good way.

I got him there a few minutes early, and we were greeted by a good handful of leaders waiting to greet the kids. As they were finding him name on the list, he started taking his coat off and hanging it up. Someone reached their hand out to him, and off he went to join the kids!! He didn’t even look back. No hesitation. Not even for a second.

My heart just soared, you guys.

Last year, this would’ve never ever been the case. Change was SO hard last year, but I’m so glad he got that great push in school, because he is such a social butterfly now!! He was still revved up to go when I picked him up at the end, a full 1.5 hours after his usual bedtime. But he settled in beautifully at home and slept like a rock. It. Was. Awesome.

Yesterday as a whole just warmed my heart. I’m so happy to see my son stretch and grow in new situations! He is such a gem. You should all really hang out with him sometime. He’s a keeper.

I am not pregnant right now, but I hope I will be in not too distant future, and its pretty much impossible not to think about. I remember, when I was pregnant with Jamin, how different it was being pregnant after a loss. Believe it or not, I anticipate my next time around will be different still. What does pregnancy after a loss after a loss look like?? I don’t know for sure, but I have a lot of thoughts on the subject.

I wonder how I’ll tell people. And when I’ll tell people. We used to share towards the end of the first trimester and into the second. In losing Theo, we learned that we would share our baby’s story with the world no matter how long I carried them. With Jamin, we shared him much earlier. I believe I was around 7 weeks. I waited until we had seen a heartbeat and then we announced it to everyone. We loved sharing our news early in the game!! However, even that heartbeat was no guarantee for us, and we lost Jamin. Now what? Do we announce right off the hop? Do we wait for a heartbeat? Do we wait until we’re way further into our pregnancy?? I have no idea how that will look. This is new territory. No two losses are the same.

I wonder how I’ll even tell Brady. Will we celebrate in excitement, or will anxiety just build from day one? Will we cry, or laugh, or will we feel numb?

I wonder how we’ll tell the kids, and when. They are SO aware of our babies passing away, I don’t know if I want to put them through another one. Yet to deny them knowledge of a sibling seems cruel. They’ve learned so much through our losses, and they have grown in their beliefs in God. They have processed the losses of their brothers to the best of their ability, and in that way, I see no reason not to let them in on something as special as a pregnancy. But I fear for their hearts.

I wonder if I’ll buy baby things. I have a small handful of things we bought for Jamin still sitting on a dresser in our room. I haven’t had the nerve to move them yet, but seeing them every day hurts me. On one hand, I want to say that I won’t buy anything, to protect my heart. And on another hand, I want to set up a bassinet in my first trimester, to remember how amazing it is to bring a new baby home to sleep in my room. Because positivity is important.

I wonder if I’ll ever feel safe through my pregnancy, or will I be on pins and needles the entire time?

I wonder if I’ll be able to feel excited. Or if I’ll emotionally attach. I made an intentional effort to celebrate my pregnancy with Jamin after we lost Theo. I didn’t want to just suffer and stress, waiting for my baby to die. Yet he did die. Its hard not to become closed and hardened. But I want to feel safe.

I wonder if I will ever find the balance between being “safe” and being vulnerable. Can those two things be in the same place at the same time? Can one protect their heart without closing it completely? I don’t know whether to dive into another pregnancy head first with joy and thankfulness, or to be more reserved, and realistic, and careful. If I’m being truthful, my heart is leaning towards choice A, as much as I don’t want it to. Its so strange to think that joy and fear would go hand in hand in that scenario.

I don’t want fear to win. I want God to win. And God didn’t give me a spirit of fear.

But I admit it. I am already scared.

It’s felt like a very full day already today! Thank goodness Brady is home today!

I took Dekker to school this morning in the frigid windy weather. Luckily, he was happy to break out and wear his new toque to school, so there was no issue there. He was warm and skipping and ready to go. I love that he loves school. His teacher actually showed me some notes she had made about Dekker in the beginning of the year, and her current notes a month into the school year. He is improving SO quickly! She is super happy with how well he’s learning, and so am I.

After I dropped Dekker off, I dropped something off at the post office and headed home. I threw back half of a cup of coffee before loading Laela into the van and heading to preschool. It was my day to help in the class, so I stuck around for the morning. Times moves quickly there, so it wasn’t long before it was time to head back home.

I only lasted at home for twenty minutes or so before I headed to the city for an appointment. In that short window, I managed to eat a small serving of leftover mac and cheese. And then I was off once again.

We grocery shopped as a family the other day, but the poor overtired Solomon we brought was over our shopping trip before it even begun, so we did not hit every place we had hoped to. So I did Costco over lunch. Lo and behold, I ran into my mom there! We did the tail end of our shops together, checked out together, and walked to our vehicles together too. Convenient how we parked in the same row 🙂 It was such a nice visit to break up all the busyness. I love you, mom!!

My last place to hit was my waxing appointment. I haven’t seen my waxing girl in a long time, partially because the last time I went, I waited too long to book and had to see someone else, and partially because I wait WAY too long between waxes, haha! So I hadn’t spoken to her personally since before we lost Jamin. Needless to say, we had a lot to catch up on. It was a really nice visit. Honestly, it felt good to talk about him out loud again. She didn’t get cringy over the details, and I didn’t have to be too careful to say the “wrong” things. It was nice to feel normal. And believe it or not, it was also nice to get my legs and arms waxed, and my brows refreshed. What is it about fresh eyebrows?? Tell me its not just me!

I made it home with about a half hour left of the afternoon before I have to get Dekker, and I’m filling it with blogging. Maybe, when Dekker comes home, we’ll go do homework up in my room, and then I’ll just stay there and sleep. Haha! My day may not sound busy to you but its a lot more running around than I usually prefer, and I am still reeling for this cold. I’m definitely not sleeping as well as I’d like to be. But thats ok. Its only for a time.

I hope you all find some time to sit today <3

It would appear October is a loaded month. I’ve already seen a number of causes come up on Facebook for the month, and for interests sake, I looked it up. Wikipedia had a LONG list of month long observances, and a couple of the ones I had in mind weren’t even on their list. All I’m saying is there are lots. You observe whats important to you and those you love, and I’ll observe whats important to me and those I love. They can be different, and we can still show each other the utmost love and respect.

I’ve never really fit in to something like this until now. Completely against my will, I have been placed on the side of that “1 in 4” statistic that no one wants to be on. I have lost a baby. I’ve lost two babies. This year. I have learned a lot in these times, and I feel like who I am as a person has shifted a lot, too. Brady and I were just talking about it today. We’ve had full, exciting years of life together, but this is some big life experience that I just hadn’t anticipated. I was happy to be ignorant of the pain that losing a child causes, while still trying to be a compassionate, loving friend. Now that I am SO in the know on the subject, I wish everyone else could be ignorant and no one else would have to know this pain. So far, 2017 has aged me. A lot.

Today feels heavy. Miscarriage and infant loss is all around us. I know many of you feel it too.

Whether you share your story with others or you don’t.

Whether you lost your baby early or late.

Whether your loss happened on its own, or was induced, or was done surgically.

Whether you lost your first or your fifteenth baby.

The details matter, but they don’t matter. Your story matters, but your loss and your grief is yours. No one gets to discount it.

You who are losing pregnancies, or can’t conceive. You who desire a family but are waiting for a spouse. My friends, I see you, too. Once again, I know our grief is different, but my heart hurts for yours.

All grief looks different, but we all know it to some capacity, whether through our own life, or through the life of someone we know. We call it an emotional roller coaster, but that sounds too “fun.” An emotional flood, perhaps. An emotional sink hole. An emotional solar flare? Let’s go with an emotional ass-kicking. That feels pretty accurate.

I feel so jumbled up. I wish I had scheduled out the month so I had certain days to blog about specific sides of miscarriage and infant loss, but as you’re all quite familiar, I am so very disorganized these days. Is there anything you want to know? Any questions you have? You can comment, or message me privately and ask, and I’d happy answer them in a different post! Nothing is off limits! What about sharing your own stories of your babies in heaven? Guest post, anyone?! I’m not kidding. I’d LOVE some input on how I can really bring some important topics to light.

Did you guys know October is considered “pregnancy and infant loss awareness month?” I think there are a number of different causes that hold October’s attention, but obviously, this one sits quite closely to me.

I had a post planned for today, but then my day shifted and instead of sitting at home and trying to properly write out my post about losing my babies and how its changed me, I put on real clothes, threw an entire box of Kleenex into my purse (no joke) and I went Christmas shopping with Jerilee. I know, I know, there are some opinions there. Eat me. I can Christmas shop whenever I want.

It was such an uplifting time away, drinking Starbucks and mall walking with my bestie. It was light and fun and chatty and normal.

I assure you all that while I don’t talk about my struggle each and every day on here, it is still very much at the front of my my mind. My little babies that I lost this year haven’t been forgotten. Theo should’ve been present for Laela’s birthday yesterday. If he couldn’t, I should’ve at least been solidly pregnant with Jamin. But nope. We don’t get either of those boys. And it sucks.

But on a day when I was given the opportunity to get out and focus on some light positive things, I am not going to post about my grief. I choose to focus on the good today, and there was a lot of it.

I am feeling a bit better today, thank goodness, and I very much enjoyed being out with a friend and planning for Christmas. I hope you’ve all found some joy today.

The amazing Laela Hazel entered the world with a bang four years ago today!! She was incredible enough to move me from being so scared to ever have another child to excitedly planning for the next one within only a couple of weeks. She has brought so much richness to our lives, and I can’t even fathom our life without her. She really just gets better and better over the years!

She’s changed so much, yet not at all 😉

I take full responsibility for her low key birthday. In all of our sickness and transition, it kept being put on the back burner. I hope she doesn’t resent me for it later in life.

We had a yummy waffle brunch and then headed to the playground for the remainder of the morning. It was a pretty cute time.

Since then, we’ve come home and had a short lunch before putting the little boys down for a nap. Everyone is already so wiped out, so while the littles nap, the big ones are watching Frozen (Laela’s choice, obviously) and “playing Lego.” By that, I mean that Dekker is sitting beside the Lego but hasn’t moved to play with it yet.

The rest of the day consists of easy supper that Laela loves, and going out for ice cream. Since we didn’t get our butts in gear and I’m so sick, we’re going to have a little second party at my parents in the coming weeks, where Laela will get a cake. She’s not too disappointed. Ice cream is always a win. Plus, its going to feel amazing on my throat, haha! Not to be too selfish or anything, but just a little bit selfish…

While Laela’s big day isn’t too splashy, I hope she knows how loved she is, and what a blessing she is our lives!!

I sure love you, Laela girly!! I am truly grateful for you every single day! 💜

You know you’re gagging too much when your coughing fits start to smell like vomit.

Brady took our van in for a small recall this morning and by the time he got home, I had resorted to standing over the sink for fear that my coughing found finally result in vomit. So. Much. Heaving.

Beyond that, I’m exceptionally light headed thanks to the constant hacking and gasping and inability to breathe through my nose.

I know I’m whining, but its seriously not my day. I’m so grateful that Brady can be home so I can lay in bed and talk as little as possible. I did a ton of that yesterday too, yet I don’t see much improvement. Hopefully one more day does the trick.

It has to, really. Laela’s birthday is tomorrow.

One day we will be better prepared and set up for things like birthdays.

Its one of those special days where I crunched up a handful of crackers before I realized my soup was already gone. Somewhat disappointing. I have caught our family’s cold and lost my voice. My throat is so swollen and angry, to the point where I move my head and it gets all tight in my neck. And then, of course, I hack. I’m probably gagging more than I’m even coughing, to be honest. Its gross, and it hurts.

Taking Dekker to school and Laela to preschool helped, though. The cool air outside relaxed the crazy tightness of my throat and I could actually quietly speak to other people as I ran into them rather than being the weird nodding mom who didn’t talk to anyone.

But now that I’m home, my throat is going bananas, and its best to stay as quiet as possible. So, I had some soup for lunch and am watching Ratatouille with Laela. Hopefully my throat will hurt less and I’ll be able to muster up a bit more voice to last me through school pick up.

I have grown up knowing that God will never give me more than I can handle. Its a truth that I believe, and while its grown into a fairly cliche phrase, I think that’s because its true! People say it all the time because its true.

The last year or so of my life, its been said to me a lot. A LOT. By others, and by myself. God sees everything, and he will never give me more than I can handle. But I am learning that I’ve developed a bad association to it. While I don’t question the truth of the statement, I feel like it always comes up when I feel like I’m being dragged through the mud. Through the long road of illness last fall, I was MAXED. Or so I thought. Many of you know the timeline, I know, but I’ve got to lay it out. MONTHS of sickness went by, and I remember saying out loud, for the first time ever in my memory, that I was absolutely as close to the end of my rope as I had ever been. There was nowhere else to go. I was completely, literally finished. And then we lost Theo.

“Hailey, God knows what you can handle. You’ll get through this.”

And its true, so I desperately held on to that belief, and kept rolling. And God got me through it. It wasn’t pretty, but it happened, and we survived.

A few months after our miscarriage, we conceived again and I proceeded to roll through the sickest months of my pregnant years. Never before had I been so nauseous for so long. It was so difficult. But I was thankful for my pregnancy, and the symptoms reminding to me that my pregnancy was going forward. The days were still long, though.

“Hailey, God knows what you can handle. You’ll get through this.”

And I did.

And then we lost Jamin.

“Hailey, God knows what you can handle. You’ll get through this.”

And its true. I told myself over and over again. There was comfort there. I definitely understand why people who don’t believe in God think Christians sound crazy. I get it! We take comfort in something we cannot see or tangibly prove. We seem simply gullible, or maybe weak. But I believe strongly that God is truth, and I’m ok with people thinking I’m a little nutty. What’s so wrong in finding comfort, anyway?

While I don’t feel that my faith in God has suffered greatly through my losses, I can tell I have a bit of a bad taste in my mouth about this whole “God knows how much we can handle” business. Or I did, anyway. I’ve made jokes about it, that He and I clearly disagree on some of those amounts, but that He has the final say, and things like that. But in the recent weeks, I’ve had a small shift that I believe has begun some change in my heart. I’ve seen God’s mercy in a new way. I can see how this statement covers more surface than I thought it did.

Yes, when I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus, or would like to be, the truth is that He does know how much I can handle. But the flip side is that He also knows what I can’t handle. God is not a cruel God. He is merciful and compassionate. When things get really really hard, I sometimes forget that.

When I get all of my results more than a month before they were scheduled to arrive, God knows I couldn’t have handled waiting.

When I bleed for a full month and only get nine days off before I start bleeding again, God knows I need some schedule back in my life, because He and I both know that waiting in limbo is SO much worse for me.

When Brady hits a lull at work and money gets tight, He knows that the timing was bang on, and that I’d need Brady home for those weeks.

And when my baby is born at 16.5 weeks gestation, He KNOWS I needed to get that far into my pregnancy to find that joy and anticipation and excitement again after being SO nervous for the whole first trimester.

I’m going to do everything in my power to see things this way. Glass half full is always a better way to view life, and I’m disappointed that my first instinct is to think the glass is half empty. This doesn’t mean I can’t feel sad or angry or discouraged or however else I want to feel, but it brings into perspective that God sees all sides of the story. What we can handle, and what we can’t. He has the strongest radar for that than anyone else I know, and I have some pretty rockin’ people in my life.

I have a lot of thoughts on this, and I hope at least some of them came across somewhat clearly. If not, just know that my heart is continuing to heal. Seek and you will find, right? Well I’m seeking.

I got the kids up this morning like every other morning. I gave Dekker and Laela big hugs and they headed right out to set the table for breakfast. I hung back to change Rowan’s diaper. He and I were doddling a little bit, getting in some good face time and tickles when Laela showed up beside us.

Now, first, I have to say. Laela is SO gentle and sensitive these days. If a kid cries, she runs over and plays with them, even if it doesn’t work and they keep crying. She is the bringer of water bottles and kleenexes, and she will tell me if anyone needs anything that she herself can’t provide. Her latest switch has been her sensitivity towards me. She picks up on everything, and she will reach out and touch my hand or my face or my hair, and tell me she really loves me. Things like that. She is truly the best little girl I know.

So this morning, as I’m changing Rowan, she came up and put her hand on my shoulder. She whispered “Its all ready at the table.” She was whispering for Solly’s sake, as he was still sleeping. I thanked her for her work, and for staying so quiet. I moved most of my attention back to Ro waiting patiently on the floor, but she stayed put, so I wrapped an arm around her and snuggled my head into her. She hugged me back, and out of nowhere she asked “Are you still sad about the baby?” She caught me off guard, but I was very honest and told her that yes, I was still very sad about the baby. That I missed him a lot. She stroked my cheek at that point and nodded understandingly. She reassured me that she was sad too, and that it was “so essiting” that he was with baby Jesus.

In that moment, she looked so wise, and knew so much. I love the faith of children. Its amazing, and something I seek after for myself. A stronger, unwavering trust in God.

Suddenly, she furrowed her brow and told me her Elsa dolly had a baby that died, too.

This all on its own brought me close to tears, because that is NOT what playtime should be about. How has it become so normal in our house that she is actually pretending that her dollies are losing babies?! This might sound small, but it shook me up quite a bit. I asked her how Elsa was doing, and if she was sad. Laela perked up and told me that Anna had Elsa’s baby, so they weren’t as sad. I told her I didn’t understand, and she said “I don’t either.”

And just like that, my mature little threenager was back to being little, and confused by big, difficult, adult things. And really, thats best for now. We settled on the fact that having babies and babies dying is pretty sad and complicated, and we moved on with our day. But its stuck with me all morning and into the afternoon.

I’m not sure what to make of this, but it felt important to share. I’m already praying for my beautiful daughter and daughters in law, that they never have to experience this same pain I’ve experienced.