Well, we are days away from the ominous 16.5 week hurdle, and as far as I can tell at this point, all is well on the inside. Its going to be a pretty big leap for me to eventually separate from the regular ultrasounds and appointments and the reassurance they bring, but no one is rushing me on that. We are waiting until there is good, confident fetal movement before we’ll back off of too many things. For now, we just continue to take things as they come. I keep dreaming I’m feeling the baby move, but I know I’m not. This anterior placenta is making sure of that! Stinking thing. I think feeling the baby move is still a few weeks away, though maybe prayer can encourage it?? We’ll find out soon, I suppose! While I wait for that, I should say how grateful I am for such loving friends and family who covered us in love and prayers yesterday, and the days leading up to yesterday. It was a huge day, and while I don’t feel out of the woods yet, I’m hoping we can move onward and upward from here!

Size/Comparison: This weeks comparison cracked me up a little. The Ovia app claims the baby is about the size of a dill pickle, but last week compared baby to an avocado. So I guess the baby is the size of a big ole pickle – one that is larger than an avocado. I’ll have more accurate measurements soon 🙂

Appointments: I saw Dr. Guselle last week for another heartbeat check, which went smoothly as usual. The baby was ALL over the place, wanting to be anywhere but under that doppler! Dr. Guselle finally ducked across the room and grabbed my phone, saying “You have to get a video of this for Brady.” I love her. It was super entertaining and reassuring. Hearing that heartbeat never gets old. I also had an appointment just this afternoon with my chiropractor, and WOW! We will discuss that more in a minute here, but he is integral to my body staying together these days.

How am I feeling emotionally: I will feel better soon 🙂 Thats all I can say. I am RIGHT in the thick of it this week, waiting to pass the awful milestone at which we lost the last baby. Without being too dark, this baby has already lived longer than the last one, as Jamin had passed long before we discovered this was the case, so thats something. I hope I can breathe a little easier next week, though. I’m just not quite there yet.

How am I feeling physically: Ok guys, let’s talk about this. A couple of things need to be talked about here. One thing that isn’t really pregnancy related at all is that I still have that ridiculous plugged ear!! It has some fluid in it that will just have to clear over time, but my doctor advised me to try and loosen up the wax in my other ear, since it was almost completely blocked. You might remember this all from a different post. Anyway, I’m doing my part in the loosening of the disgusting wax, but now that its loosening, it settles into a fully plugged ear position!! I woke up multiple times last night, hearing my heart beat in my head, with two fully blocked ears. It felt insane and I HATED it. Finally, I had to stick a finger in there and help the situation, which likely doesn’t help the big picture situation at all. But hopefully Dr. Guselle will blast this sucker clear for me at our next appointment next week. If I live that long. My other CRAZY physical thing going on is an unrelenting lower back pain. I’ve never had this kind of pain in pregnancy. I’ve had my crazy pelvic pain, we’ve talked about that lots before, but that pain resets every single night after a bath and a sleep. This lower back pain, however, does not. It makes everything painful. Sitting, standing, walking, lying down, lifting a kid, getting in and out of a vehicle, bending, everything! I got in to see my chiropractor today and I am thrilled to say it was possibly my most productive chiro appointment ever! He explained so thoroughly what was where and warned me well before he’d crack something. He helped me move around more than usual, knowing how much pain I was in. He asked if he could check my pubic bone, which he’s done before in the past, VERY professionally and safely, and said it was out. He was casual about it at first, and set me up to have it put back in place. Guys, that is SO painful. After four attempts, it still wasn’t all the way back in place, and he had to use this little hammering tool thing to get in where it needed to go. It was SO painful. But he’s explained this pubic bone thing to me before about how the pubic bone is actually two bones, and when they sit crooked at all, it basically ruins everything. He said more than just being a bit misaligned this time (which is all it takes) one side was actually raised up and sitting at an angle! I didn’t even know they could do that. Live and learn. So now things are back, and I can tell they are, because other parts of me hurt pretty badly, yet the very front of my pelvis is strangely pain-free. I hope it calms down in a day or two because I can’t exactly just sit and do nothing… Rant over! Oy!

Wish Lists/Purchases: I ordered a couple of bathing suits a week or two ago for my freshly postpartum self, but neither of them fit :/ Merp. Off they go back to the store, and I’ll reorder them in new sizes and see what works. I’m still hopeful! Just annoyed. Otherwise, I bought a new comfy lululemon bra off of a girl here in town. None of my current bras fit nicely, but now this one does. Win! (Yes, I realize thats a lot of info. Its just a bra. You’re fine.)

Pictures: I admit, I don’t have any. Every time I think to take a picture, I’m not wearing pants. Sorry, guys!

How are the kids feeling: As usual, Bambino is on the kids minds. Discussions about where the car seat will go in the van have come up. Laela has speculated on how many kids she’d like. The kids are aware that I’ve been missing Jamin quite a bit these days, and they are being very sensitive, loving little humans, as usual. I really hit the jackpot with my family.

Get to know the baby: I think I say it each week but our baby hates the doppler. Or they’re just showing off every time we pull it out. I’ll take either. I know babys kicks can grow to be uncomfortable and disruptive, but I don’t imagine they’ll get old anytime soon. I cannot WAIT to be able to interact with this baby! Yet, as the app has been telling us, baby can now distinguish light through my belly, and can hear our voices! I love knowing that. So, for future people who want to talk to the baby through my belly, feel free! I want this kid to know just how loved they are as early on as possible!

The BEST part of being pregnant: Hopefully this doesn’t come out wrong, but I’d say the best part of being pregnant this last week was having a little baby in my tummy when passing Jamin’s due date. I do NOT want people to think Bambino overshadows Jamin or Theo, but there is some comfort in crossing such a tricky bridge when I know I have someone along for the ride. Not everyone is as fortunate as me to conceive so soon after such a difficult loss, and not everyone wants to! Absolutely, as always, to each their own! But it has helped settle my heart a little. I think its helped me not feel as hopeless. So, for that, I am thankful.

Favorite Thing: Guys!!! You know Pillsbury makes croissants, right? Ok, so those are delicious, and have always been a bit of a guilty pleasure breakfast over here. But I recently discovered Pillsbury also makes turnovers!!! You can’t find them just anywhere (read: NOT at Superstore!) but Walmart tends to have them near the croissants in the cooler, for 2/$5. If you’re from around here, the Walmart in Blairmore has a whole section for them, and they have all three kinds – apple, raspberry, and strawberry. I don’t love apple for this kind of thing, but both of the other are exquisite. SO good!

Yes, they even come with icing. I HIGHLY recommend everyone eat these, preferably in bed, before your kids wake up. Set an alarm on Saturday. I’m not even kidding. Its important.

Seriously, its been a huge week. And this week we’re in feels big, too. But I’m praying for peace very very soon, and I believe it will come. If you feel like praying for the same for us, we’d sure take it! I want to grieve as hard as my heart needs to, and then I want to keep moving and celebrating and expecting the best! Thank you for being such loyal followers of our life and caring about our family. It has been completely amazing having the amount of support that we do. You guys are incredible.

Today is the day. Today was going to be delivery day. The day we would get to hold our little baby boy, our fifth family member. Our rainbow baby. Everything was supposed to be right in the world today. But in the same breath, thats clearly not how today was supposed to go, because it didn’t. Instead, today is an entirely normal day. I’m 16 weeks pregnant instead of 39 weeks pregnant, and its with a different baby. An equally amazing baby, I’m sure, but still. This is not how I dreamed today would go.

This would’ve been our first experience trying to get a kid to school on a delivery day. We would’ve gotten up at our normal time for a school day – 7:15 – and immediately turned our phones on sound. We would’ve gotten the kids up for breakfast and rushed the morning routine a little. Jerilee would be awake and on standby. If today went anything like the last two times, we would’ve received our call between 8:00 and 8:30. We would’ve received our orders to come either in the morning or the afternoon. Brady would’ve probably taken Dekker to school while I loaded the last minute stuff into the hospital bag. Toothbrushes and paste, deodorant, laptop and chargers, etc. Everything else should’ve been packed by now. The car seat should be in the van. Though in this recreation, we would probably leave the van here with Jerilee and trade her out for her car, which would hold the car seat. Just in case she needed to take the kids somewhere while we were away.

Regardless of morning or afternoon, we’d let Jerilee know and she’s either head on over, or come maybe around lunch. And then we’d kiss our kids and would head off! We’d grab food and coffee on the way to the hospital so I could eat one last time before it all began, and we’d eat and talk about what was to come. We’d be super excited, and laugh at being old pros, I bet. We’d confirm baby names with each other, which would be totally unnecessary, because we would know by then. We’d make it to the hospital, park in the tiny fetal assessment lot, and go sit up in registration on the fourth floor among the strangely quiet couples. We are always the weird ones in the waiting area. We talk and make jokes and hold hands, and everyone else is so stoic and quiet. I find it funny 🙂 It would finally be our turn, and we’d be led to the room where we’d settle in for my induction. We’d chat with our nurse and do a quick recap of my history and why things are done the way they are for us. She’d give me a hospital gown to wear. Brady would take a corny belly picture of me in it. The monitors would go on, and I would ask that they keep the volume on a little, because I just never tire of hearing that heartbeat. Especially this time, after my loss of Theo. This was going to be our calm after the storm. Our reminder that I was still capable of having a baby. Our confidence booster. Our CELEBRATION.

Labour can’t be speculated, but it would’ve been worth the end result. I would be induced. It would quite possibly be a short and fairly uneventful labour, if its anything like the last two. And we’d finally have our baby just a few hours later. Another little boy to add to our beautiful brood of children.

I’m honestly now sure if we would’ve named the baby Jamin had he carried full term or not. We weren’t ready to have him when we did. Names weren’t chosen at 16.5 weeks. They shouldn’t have needed to be. We shouldn’t have had him at 16.5 weeks. We should’ve had him today, at 39 weeks. He should’ve been big and healthy and fuzzy and soft.

We would’ve spent the night at the hospital, and lamented a little bit that so many of the nurses that we are friends with are ALL on maternity leave themselves! But likely there would still be some familiar faces who I hope would poke their noses in and come say hi. I wouldn’t sleep that first night, thanks to the adrenaline, but it would be fine. I would be happy. And we’d go home the very next day, barring any unforeseen issues. This would all feel normal, and right.

Instead of this beautiful plan, we’ll do our day differently. Dekker has an eye appointment that Brady is taking him to. Laela and Rowan are playing toys on the island. Solly is crying at the couch under which he threw and effectively lost the toy he was playing with. I’m sipping coffee and trying not to move from the comfortable position I found. Its a normal day. Not a delivery day at all.

This is the big one, friends. This is a HARD day already. I felt strong enough to handle it until I stood up and got out of bed. Please, cover our family in prayer today, if you think of us. Pray for peace, and strength, and a new burst of hope when today’s heaviness has lifted a little. And PLEASE pray for Bambino ❤️

We had gone back and forth of the last couple of days whether or not we should go to church on Sunday with Dekker having thrown up at school on Thursday. It sounds dramatic to hole up for so long, I know, but the flu is SO violent this year! However, Dekker is not sick, hasn’t been sick since, and we just knew we were clear to go. I had forgotten that it was a baptism Sunday, and I was so glad we made it on such an exciting week 🙂

While church was really wonderful this morning, it was also LONG, and the kids were pretty over it by the end of it all. We rushed home pretty quickly after to feed the kids lunch and try to sneak in a nap before it was too late. But rushing wasn’t gentle on my aching body.

If you’ve never been to our church, we have hard, wooded benches. I’ve never had much of an issue with them, because they make for great acoustics sound-wise, and when it comes to the time in the service that we inevitably pull out pencils and paper for the kids to draw on, they can sit on the floor and use the bench as a table top. Its a good set up. The only time I’m ever less than thrilled with the benches is towards the end of my pregnancies when my body hurts. Well today those suckers did me in. Shifting positions at any point was pretty challenging, and my back was just screaming by the end of it. So while Brady got the kids fed, I went upstairs for a lay down and took some Tylenol.

The meds didn’t even touch me, and I was soon off to a baby shower. It wasn’t too far, so I figured I’d walk and see if that helped at all. I knew it would hurt in the moment, but I thought maybe it would somehow stretch out the angry muscles or benefit me somehow. You’re always supposed to keep moving, right? So, I tried. I walked to the shower with a friend, and enjoyed myself far too much, and stayed way too long, as usual. I am always among the last to leave. ALWAYS. My bad. But goodness, my back was maybe in worse shape after than it was before. I was determined to walk, but as I got to the street to finally head home, someone offered me a ride and I gave up and took it. So. Much. Pain.

I truly enjoyed the morning at church, and I loved the afternoon spent with so many amazing people, celebrating a new baby. It was ALL worth it! But MAN I hurt now, yikes!! Haha! So I will likely spend the rest of the evening in bed, except for a soak in the tub I’m hoping comes soon! There could definitely be worse fates 🙂 I have a cozy bed, happy children, a husband playing guitar for them downstairs, and a little baby in my womb that I know isn’t feeling any of the pain I am. I can absolutely handle this.

Tomorrow will be a different story, but I’m trying not to go there yet. Lucky for me, Brady will be home most of the day, and I’m sure I’ll have all the support I could ask for from him <3 Tomorrow will come soon enough. Today, despite my aching lower back, has been incredibly lovely. What a great day to finish the weekend off with!

Yesterday was just amazing, and I’m SO eager to share about it! It was all unexpected and honouring and humbling and thoughtful and just so full of love.

I found out about halfway through the afternoon that someone was bringing my family supper. I was completely caught off guard, but gladly accepted. Hard days are upon our family, and while I’m not exactly shy about it, it was incredibly touching to see people take action and show our family love in this way. Not too long after that, another friend got in touch with me and invited me over for a visit after our kids had all gone to bed. I happily accepted the invite 🙂 It feels so important to have friends and loved ones with us in these tricky times. I was so thankful to have an invite out, to get me out of the house and out of my own head, but into a place that still felt safe and comfy.

Right around supper time, a meal compiled by four women from our church arrived at our house in the form of a big pail of soup, homemade bread, a BIG box of desserts and baking, and a card. We were completely overwhelmed, and thrilled. Our usually soupspicious (see what I did there?) kids ate it easily, as did Brady and I. It was a loaded corn chowder, and it was completely delicious. Supper was amazing in every way.

After the kids had gone down, Brady and I had a quick soak and watched some tv. I texted my friend shortly before 8:00 and said she could just let me know when she was ready for me. Not too long after that, there was a knock on our door. Often, when she and I get together, we’ll kind of swap houses, so I figured her husband had just showed up to hang out with Brady here, and I’d take that as my cue to head her way. Except it wasn’t her husband. It was her! I grabbed my jacket and headed out with her, but her car was there, and we live like half a block away from each other, so I knew something was up.

🤔

Sure enough, I was right. She drove us to another friends house, and unloaded an armful of stuff from her car. In we went.

Guys, I’m not going to be able to do this evening justice, but it was SO incredible. A handful of my friends from church had gathered with the plan of a girls movie night in. They set up the island with all the treats and munchies I’ve been loving these days (Doritos with sour cream, skittles, swedish berries, cookies, baking, etc) and we had Shirley Temples (the majority of the group was either pregnant or freshly nursing a newbie.) There was a gift bag to one side, and some wrapped flowered next to it. I cried like a loser into my drink as we stood all together in the kitchen. I was completely overwhelmed by the love and care that these women were offering me, just because they knew how hard I’ve been struggling. I was gifted two blue roses (in honour of my little boys,) a big pretty succulent, an oil infuser necklace (that I’m SO excited to put together and have hope for some anxiety busting!) and the little Willow Tree Angels I’ve been pining after. All of this was topped off with a card from a shocking number of women from church who participated in the evenings plan. I have never felt so strongly that so many people have my back. It was incredibly overwhelming and humbling and, honestly, just so so needed. We loaded up our plates with treats and snuggled into the living room for a movie. It was SO perfect.

There is something to be said for people like these. These women knew that they weren’t just coming for some comfy squishy movie night. They knew how sad I was, and that there might be some heaviness, and no one was afraid of it. I didn’t have to feel funny crying in front of them, or talking about my miscarriages, and they didn’t have to feel funny loving on their new babies in front of me. It was a lot of trust from every angle, and I couldn’t be more thankful that they all came and took those little risks and showered me with such love. UNBELIEVABLE!

We had such a lovely time of chatting and just being together, but it had to end eventually, so I made it home right around midnight. I felt uplifted, and like my cup had been filled. My sorrow isn’t gone, and there are still big days approaching, but I feel so much more prepared. I know people are thinking of us and praying for us, so that is HUGE. I was reminded just how much support I have, and that I could call in the troops, if need be, and they would come. Also, somehow, being with these friends last night seemed to release my emotions a little bit, and I almost felt safer, or permitted, to just cry and be sad. I know I can cry whenever I need to, and I can feel however I feel, but I didn’t have to be strong last night. I didn’t have to try and keep on trucking. I could just cry, and feel all the things I feel, while surrounded by loving friends who wanted to be there in support of our family. I don’t know how else to explain all of this. It was completely mind blowing. Life changing, even. Earth shaking. Bottom line: This is the kind of friend that people need. A friend who shows up without being asked, and loves you no matter how much “work” it is. BE THIS KIND OF FRIEND.

Today has felt emotional for me, coming off of ALL the love of yesterday, being surrounded by my beautiful children all morning, missing my husband while he’s working, and knowing that there are big days ahead. If things had gone differently, I would be days away from delivering our sweet little Jamin. But, instead, we are where we are, and thats ok too. Its not what I would have chosen, but it is what I have to deal with, and I accept that. Its not an easy thing to accept, but it would be much much harder to absorb if I didn’t have the faith in Jesus that I have, the support of a loving, involved husband, and the abounding love offered to me by my friends, family, and my church family.

To all of you beautiful people who were involved in this, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. I can’t even begin to explain all of my feelings (clearly) but please know how you’ve touched me. I feel stronger because of you.

I briefly mentioned in yesterday’s post that Dekker was home sick from school. I received a call from his teacher while I was waiting for my doctors appointment. Luckily I was waiting and not in it already! She told me that a different child at school had thrown up, and in a chain reaction, a couple of nearby kids started throwing up. What a scene! Gross gross gross! She asked that someone come get Dekker, and I told her I was actually unable to come, but I’d call Brady and we’d sort it out. We did, and Brady went to retrieve Dekker right away. He tucked him into a couch and a restful afternoon begun. He seemed pretty normal. Maybe a little bit pale, but he had thrown up, so sick or not, that could’ve been the cause.

We hoped it was just a chain reaction, because barfing is gross, and maybe that alone set Dekker off.

As the day wore on, however, Dekker got the shivers. That is his first tip off, always. After supper, he asked if he could go get a sweater, and being who is he, he picked the sweater that makes him feel the most dressy and fancy 🤣 He put it on, got back to his cozy spot on the couch, and dozed off.

He dozed in and out for the rest of the evening, and went down for bed without any issue. We left him his water bottle and a barf pail, and told him to please come get us if he got sick in the night.

But he didn’t! This morning, he woke up in happy spirits, though he is still sporting his fever. Of all days, today he had an appointment with his ophthalmologist, Dr. Rubab, but thats been rescheduled. Today is just going to be a lazy tv day, so we make our bodies rest! So Dekker can heal and the rest of us can stay somewhat in our own spaces and hopefully not pass this around! Because, not to be super selfish or anything, but I do NOT want to get sick!! I already feel crazy enough with this plugged ear. I would ideally not add barf to the mix.

Wish us luck!

I saw my doctor this afternoon for an appointment. I am 15 weeks, as of Monday, right in the middle of these tricky, anxious weeks.

Thanks to my ridiculous brain, I showed up to this appointment a solid 45 minutes early, but Dr. Guselle saw I had checked in and called me back anyway. It was a super relaxed time of day, so she brought me back herself, we skipped the weigh in, and just met and talked. I informed her that my nausea was really petering off, and I’ve dropped my morning dose of diclectin as well as my afternoon one. I mentioned some other things I’ve been dealing with and she gave me some tips. Round ligament pain is unrelenting these days, so that was a big one. I have had a weirdly plugged ear for the last several days that she advised me on. Things like that. I don’t know how we got on the subject, but we had a brief talk about labour and delivery and how that might look, and her face just warmed right up, and she said she was so happy to hear that I was even thinking that far ahead. Maybe some healing is taking place without me realizing it. I sure hope so! It was nice to think that way, and we even got a bit ballsy and booked more appointment further ahead. I believe I’m booked up to 28 weeks. Just hoping and praying we make it that far!

The big part of these appointments is listening for the baby, and sure enough, baby was easy to find. At first, anyway. That funny little baby is just too busy to be pinned down, and moved and kicked at the doppler like crazy! It was such a fun thing to hear, and SO reassuring for my heart! Dr. Guselle grabbed my phone for me to try and record some of the action, but as much as we trie to bug the baby afterwards, he/she seemed a bit more content and not as eager to get away from the doppler. I guess they had just accepted it by then, haha! Still very nice to have that precious sound on video. I still have a video of us listening to Jamin’s heartbeat thru the doppler. That kind of thing is just SO dear to my heart!

All things considered, it was a really nice appointment. I have an ultrasound next week, and then another couple of appointments with Dr. Guselle soon after before we move to *gulp* monthly appointments. I’m not sure how thats going to feel, but I’m hopeful that baby’s movements will be big enough for me to feel by then, and that will relieve some stress.

But let’s not look that far ahead. Today was good. Today, Bambino is alive and well! Dekker, on the other hand, puked at school and is home with his pale little self parked on the couch. Pleeeaaase pray he doesn’t give us all a tummy flu, and rather just threw up because two other kids did, and it grossed him out. 🤞 That would be ideal!

Yesterday needed to be grocery shopping day, so we made a plan to pick Dekker up from school, drive to Costco, pick up supper, and hit Superstore after that. It was a necessary plan, as we were out of several staples around here. Bread, milk, coffee, etc. The kids were pumped to go shop. I’ve probably said it a hundred times, but they love grocery shopping, haha!

We did a nice big shop at Costco, and paid out with our Costco Mastercard. I’m not trying to be weird and advertise, but seriously, if you’re usually a Costco shopper, you should get this thing. We put it off for quite a while, because not only do we already have a credit card that works just fine and didn’t really want or need another one, but we were tossed up between the Costco one and the PC one for Superstore. We spend a lot of money at both places and were unsure which way to go. However, we recently learned that the Costco Mastercard has a return for everything, including GAS! Which is a HUGE expense around here! We had previously heard that it didn’t count for gas, but it does! Now that we have this card, I can also say that I LOVE that you can see the balance of your return as you use it. I don’t think we get the return until the end of the year, but I like being able to actually see the amount in dollars and cents. Aaaaand you can tap up to $200, which is handy 🙂 Seriously, guys, this is a handy card! Just do not, I repeat, DO NOT leave a balance on it! The interest is crazy high! I digress…

We were done at Costco faster than expected, and it was way too early to get supper. Like 4:00 early. So we decided to duck into a mall nearby and go ask some questions at Telus. Brady had received a text earlier than day of some promotion, and while we usually ignore them, one sparked our interest. Our contracts have been up for a few months now, but our phones are still operating decently well, and we don’t have a ton of extra money to throw around these days, so we didn’t take it too seriously. But when Brady signed into his account to view the actual offer, it looked like we could maaaybe upgrade for free?? We weren’t sure, so we figured we’d kill some time at Telus and ask some questions. Why not, right?

Spoiler alert. We accidentally got new phones.

The promotion we had gotten was as it seemed – too good to be true. However, there was another promotion sitting on our account that was based around us being ten year customers! We dug into it a bit with one of the Telus reps and, sure enough, we were well set up to upgrade!! We were getting a lot of money off the top, plus we traded in our phones. (Yes, yes, I know we would likely get more selling them, but the hassle wasn’t worth it to us. So we traded them in to Telus) With our trade ins and the great loyalty deal, I personally walked out with a new iPhone 8 with 64g of space, an extra charger, a beautiful case, and a screen protector, and I paid about $40. Boom. Brady paid slightly more than I did, but his case was a Lifeproof one for work, and cost a bit more. It was such a fun surprise, to pay about $100 together and get brand new phones and cases!

What was so extra special about that time was that the kids were in great shape! They played together and made us look great by giggling together and coaxing one another into group hugs, haha! We had the place to ourselves for the most part, and the two reps working there were SO good to our family! The one had two children of her own, and was quite smitten with ours, while the other had grown up with six siblings and had only the best things to say about it. It was SO refreshing to me when he said he was the oldest of seven, and babysat the whole group plenty, changed diapers, fed babies, etc. and had really enjoyed his upbringing. Way to smash the stigmas!! It was so nice to talk to them while they set us up SO well!! It took a while at Telus, and the kids were fading a bit, but that just resulted in lots of snuggles while we waited. Lots of “I want to hug you forever” from Rowan. SO so cute! Holding the kids got really really hot after a while, and I unzipped my jacket. Instantly, Dekker was leaning against me, telling me he loves my belly, he loves little Bambino, and kissing it. I just melt, guys. They were SO sweet!

Once we finally left Telus, it was supper time, and it was getting late. It became clear that there just wasn’t enough time to hit Superstore after all. So we got the kids supper, and then Dekker and I went into Tim Hortons and bough Timbits for the family in celebration of his lost tooth. (Yes, the tooth fairy brought donuts this time. I’m not sure what she’ll bring in the future, but hey, round one.) We headed home with a van load of happy children who fell right to sleep without any issue. It really couldn’t have been a better evening. It was a surprisingly sweet way to wrap up a day that felt heavy in my heart. Thank you, everyone who reached out to me yesterday and told me you loved my family. I felt it, big time.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to listen for Bambino at my doctors office, and I’ll probably make a quick stop at Walmart and grab the rest of the groceries while I have the chance 😉 Because fun came before food last time! Whoops!

If you’re a daily reader of this blog, you know I’ve been apprehensive these days. A lot of my thoughts centre around our little lost babies. So many things point to our miscarriages right now, its kind of astounding. Today is another one of those days.

Today marks one year since we found out our Theo had passed away. One year since I experienced true deep grief for the first time. I have been around death in my life before, of course. Just never my own flesh and blood. Not someone who was going to be a member of MY FAMILY. Not my own child. It was new, and raw, and while I have amaaazing support in my husband, parents, and friends, it was a very lonely place.

Last year on this day, I went in for my routine 12 week ultrasound. I was a few days early, 11.5 weeks ish. We left our appointment confused and hurt when our tech told us nothing, and simply told us our doctor would be expecting us. It was obvious the worst was upon us, but she wouldn’t say. Of all days, our child care had a tight timeline, and we couldn’t just stay in the city longer than anticipated, so I called my doctors office and asked if there would be time for me to run home for my kids before coming to meet my doctor. “What appointment” they asked. “Dr. Guselle isn’t in today. What are you needing?” I was SO frustrated! I burst at her “I’m pretty sure I’ve lost my baby but no one will tell me, and I NEED to speak to my doctor!” She scrambled a bit and apologized to me. It wasn’t her fault. She said I could maybe see another doctor, which I declined, and said I was going home. She understood and said she’d have someone call me.

Going home was awful. Telling my mom the baby was gone. Ugh. It was horrid.

I took a couple of phone calls that day, from a resident and from my doctor, who wasn’t in office but someone obviously got a hold of her for me. She gave me ALL the room I needed, but her professional opinion also when I asked for it. We made an appointment to meet two days later.

I cried a lot in those days, and even at our appointment, I cried. I was so tired. So spent. We agreed to wait another couple of days and if nothing had happened on its own, I’d take some medication and motivate my miscarriage to begin. I hate that it reached that point, but it did. There are a lot of horror stories around Cytotec, but it was gentle on me, and for that, I praise the Lord! It was as physically painless as it could be.

I won’t go into further detail, but this day, one year ago, is where it all started. It was an incredibly difficult kick off to 2017; a year that offered some moments of hope, but continually kicked me in the stomach. But it shouldn’t have been easy to blow past. My child passed away. My child who was going to be born right around my birthday! I was so excited for that. For him. For our little Schnookums. What a life changing day.

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I woke up in dread for the day. My back was already sore, and I was sad. Brady can vouch. I didn’t even want to get out of bed. Brady got up with the kids and I lay in bed, sulking and dozing in and out. Until Brady texted me that Dekker’s first wiggly tooth was more than ready to come out, and of all CRAZY things, Dekker asked Brady to pull it out! If you guys know Dekker, you know this is HUGE. But!!, they did it!! No tears, no blood, no nothing! Thanks be to God that his tiny little bottom tooth was so very ready to come out, Brady did no more than grip it before it popped out. It didn’t even take a pull. And Dekker was SO proud!

(To be clear, this is not his usual bite. He’s just showing off the space 😉 )

His excitement lifted my spirits, at least for a moment 🙂 He was so thrilled, and I was so relieved he wasn’t upset by his tooth coming out. What an exciting milestone to hit on an otherwise bleak day.

Now to figure out how to handle the whole “tooth fairy” thing. It seems she pays some families a lot more than I thought she would! 😬 I worry our tooth fairy will be more stingy than average. She has a lot of people to pay out over here! Whats the going rate for teeth these days?

I read an article a while back that talked about milestones in a pregnancy after loss. I looked for it to reference it here, but there are a handful, and I’m just not sure which one I read originally, so feel free to do some searching of your own. But the BIG one is passing the point where you lost your last baby. I’ve talked a bit about it on here before, but to clarify, Jamin measured 14w3d when he was born at 16w3d. I have reason to believe that Jamin lived a little bit beyond 14w3d, but measured a bit smaller as time moved forward without him. Today, I am 15 weeks. Its a strange, bittersweet time of wondering over here. Somewhere in this stretch of time, we lost our little boy. I don’t know when exactly, but I’m desperately hoping not to relive that experience. Must. Survive. Another. Two. Weeks. MUST. We’ve made it this far, and we’ve made it further in the past. Hopefully we get another chance.

Size Comparison: According to Ovia, baby’s size is comparable to that of an avocado, a yellow canary, an eclair, or a small box of 8 crayons. I liked this list 🙂 It felt more relatable than usual. It specified the baby to be about 4″ tall, and a few days ago, our scan measured baby at 3.3″ from head to butt, so with legs, its probably evened out to around 4″. We tried to find a toy or something that was comparable in size. The best we could come up with was a Charlie Brown bobble head from McDonalds. 🤷 Better than nothing!

Appointments: I had an ultrasound on Thursday last week. I made a post about it because I just couldn’t resist. It was SUCH a good appointment! Seeing the baby move SO MUCH, and seeing so many little organs operating as they should was just so exciting! It brought back funny memories of past ultrasound of past kids. I can’t remember who did what, but we’ve seen a kid scratch their butt, and we’ve even witnessed our kid pee IN THE WOMB! Hahaha! Its been pretty crazy in the past, and while this baby hasn’t done anything too ridiculous just yet, I eagerly anticipate whats to come. Perhaps Bambino is saving all of their antics for the outside world. I can’t wait! Except I can. Ultrasound appointments seem to remind me to be excited, and open me up to daydreaming again. I love that.

How and I feeling emotionally: I touched on this in my intro. Its a strange time. I’m right in between the days of when Jamin passed away, and when we found out about his passing. Plus, his due date also happens to be looming in the next little while. My heart is heavy, to say the very very least. Excitement for Bambino plus sorrow for Jamin are sandwiched together and topped off with a heap of guilt. Its a lot to process. I lost quite a bit of sleep over it last night, actually. These are not the only significant dates floating around in the near future right now, but I’ll talk more about that soon enough. My emotions are suffering, if I’m being honest. No matter how many times I tell myself that what happened with Jamin isn’t common, or likely to happen again, I still wonder when its going to happen with Bambino. Not the healthiest I’ve ever been.

How am I feeling physically: I have a few things to note in this section this week! My nausea is definitely almost gone. I could probably stop taking diclectin altogether, but I don’t have the nerve to risk it just yet. Maybe I’ll drop another one of the doses this week and see how it goes. I already skip the afternoon one, so maybe I could drop the morning one and just keep the dose before bed, since it seems the lack of eating is the only thing that really leaves me feeling sick these days. Other than that, the waddle has begun! And NOT because I’m that big yet, but because my back and one of my legs hurt SO bad! I have to call my physiotherapist stat, because YIKES, everything already hurts so bad. The last thing I’ll note is maybe a bit too personal for the internet, but I can hack it if you can. My boobs hurt a bit less than they have, and I think they finally grew, haha! So maybe the last 10-ish weeks of pain will finally have paid off and that can relax for a bit.Whew!

Wish List/Purchases: I ordered a couple of bathing suit tops online a couple of days ago. I was thinking ahead to summer and realizing I’m going to have some jelly belly to tuck away as I sunbathe on the beach at three weeks postpartum. In ordering those, I got excited to think ahead to the tiny little baby that will hopefully join us at the lake this summer! While our babies are definitely on the larger side of things, and tend to start life wearing 3 month clothing, they all have waists of newborns. Don’t ask me why, but thats just the case! If our baby is indeed a boy, we’re going to need to purchase some teeny tiny newborn shorts for the beach, and I’m SO excited about that!! Eek! I can’t wait to find out!! Soon, I hope!

Pictures: My friend and photographer, Cher, came by this morning for another little photo session with me! Its so fun getting to have record of where I am each month, how I’m progressing in the pregnancy, and the general vibe around here. She lovingly agreed to get this mornings pictures edited and sent to me TODAY, for the sake of today’s post 🙂 So, behold! Hailey and Bambino at 15 weeks along ❤️

How are the kids feeling: This is kind of an awkward one, haha! Its not a secret that the kids are super happy and excited to add another sibling to the mix. Its on their minds a lot. Dekker, being the sensitive little man he is, has babies on the brain a lot of the time. So much so, in fact, that he told me that someone in our life is pregnant. I won’t name who, but he was convinced she was pregnant. I asked him for details, and he had them! He claimed he’s known since around Halloween, what gender the mother suspected she was having, etc. I felt terrible having missed the memo that she was pregnant, but upon confirming with her, she in fact was not. 😯 So I felt AWFUL, and she graciously laughed it off. I don’t think he was lying, though. I think he was convinced! He has such specific examples involving other people and situations! But my gosh, what an awful thing to mistake! Aaaaayway, that being said, I think Dekker is in deep thought about babies right now, haha! Perhaps too much.

Get to know the new baby: We all know this category is really just for me to daydream about who this baby is going to be 😉 I’m looking forward to being further along and being able to tell you what foods the baby responds to, or whether its up all night, or things like that. But really, at this point, its just how I like to view things. This week, I can just tell you that this baby is so so loved and anticipated by so many people! We had our ultrasound last week, and the tech joked about how our baby is the most photographed baby for their age, and that she is really enjoying following our pregnancy so closely and seeing the baby grow and develop consistently 🙂 I love that she seems to be somewhat invested in our family <3 My doctor called me the next day to make sure I got all the info I wanted and that I felt satisfied with it all. She commented to me that the tech must really like us. I kind of laughed at said I didn’t know about that, but she sure liked her! Dr. Guselle said there was WAY more info on his report than there usually is at this point in pregnancy. She said the baby is almost never “weighed” at this point, but our baby was noted as weighing 92 grams! Eek! SO little! I like how many people are along for the ride, anticipating our baby and going the extra mile for him/her. I hope our baby is born very content, knowing just how loved they are.

The BEST part of being pregnant: This week, I held a little baby boy belonging to a dear friend of mine. We were pregnant together until I lost Jamin. Our boys would’ve been a month or so apart. I finally got my chance to snuggle him the other day, and it was SO good for my aching arms to hold a baby. While I wish it were my own baby I was holding, it seemed to satisfy a part of my heart to feel those ultra-soft baby cheeks, smell that new baby smell, and hold his tiny little fingers. Best of all, I didn’t even cry! Though I know it would’ve been ok had I cried. Its good to have friends that you can trust like that 😉 I really enjoyed this chance this last week, to remember how sweet the end result of this whole thing can be. It gave me another moment in time to forget the scary stuff and just be excited.

Baby item recommendation/favorite thing: My favorite thing this week is my big bathtub!! I say that for more reasons than it just being luxurious. It SAVES my body!! In Grey’s Anatomy, they talk about wanting a bathtub that can cover your knees and boobs at the same time, and guys, I have that tub.

I close out each evening with the kids in full waddle, and if I skip my evening soak, I am in just as bad shape as the day before! If I do have that soak, I’m pretty much back to brand new in the morning! So, its key. And I’m SO thankful for it!

Really, all things considering, its been a good week baby-wise. Just a bit of a confusing one for my heart and emotions :/ What I DO know is how thankful I am to have everything and everyone I DO have!! I’ll leave you with one last adorable picture, from Cher, of Solly 😍 because he’s too cute to boot!

This kid is trouble, I tell ya. The BEST kind of trouble, easily.

We are learning more and more that it truly does take a village to raise a child, and I could not be more thankful for our village! This morning, we were up to help lead music, and with my parents not being able to be at church this morning, we had childcare to figure out! This was the first time we’ve lead music without the help of my parents through the service. And thanks to our trusty “village,” we were covered!

As I was trying to figure out exactly how to arrange this a few days ago, I realized that, really, 3/4 of our kids would probably sit tight at our bench without too much fuss. We could either put Solly down for a nap, or slip him downstairs into the nursery, and the other kids would probably just stay put at our bench, and sit or stand through the songs. However, isn’t it always the moment you walk away that one kid bites the dust and falls face first into the wooden bench? Or someone tears a page out of a hymnal? Or someone dumps the goldfish? I know this is always a possibility, and figured it would probably be somewhat irresponsible to just leave them to it and hope someone would jump in and help if need be. A few days ago, I made brief mention of having to figure this situation out here on the blog, and a loving friend said she’d happily lend a hand and keep an eye on the kids. YES! You guys have no idea how something like that lifted so much pressure off my shoulders!!

So I took her up on it! Solly is feeling down and out these days (we think its just teething) so he easily went down for a rest at church when we arrived. The other three sat at our usual bench, and our friend came and joined us just as Brady and I had to head up front to start music.

What a RELIEF it was to have someone so willingly come hang out with the kids! We had to be up a total of three times, and she just spent the service with us. Once Dekker and Laela got to go downstairs for childrens church, she quietly entertained Rowan and told us to just enjoy the service, which is not our usual! We’re in that stage of life where we are usually quietly speaking to our kids or out walking one around something or another, but rarely do we get to focus on the actual service. Church is more about the routine these days, and teaching our children the importance of attending as often as we can swing it! But today, we got to pay attention, and that was SUCH a gift! Rowan was super happy, too, to have a new friend to whisper with. He loved her!

Before our last song, Solly started to cry. Someone came to get us, and Brady went to retrieve Solly. But that was about to make things complicated, because we knew Solly would cry if we passed him off when we went up to lead the last song. He is not abnormal in the way that he cries if Brady or I leave, but recovers quickly once we’ve gone. But we were assured everyone would be fine, so when it came time to go up, we headed up to the front in the midst of Solly’s cries. When we made it to the front of the church and faced the congregation, we witnessed our lovely friend carrying Solly out, holding hands with Rowan, bringing him along. The crying had stopped before we even started singing, and the three were back in the service in a moments time. Solly was completely content after that.

I say again, what a RELIEF. It went SUCH a long way to know my kids were being cared for by someone who was so comfortable with them, and wasn’t afraid of a few tears. That kind of willingness goes a long, long way <3

We’re home now, lunch has been eaten, and ALL FOUR KIDS ARE NAPPING!! What a great way to wrap up an already lovely morning.

Have a happy Sunday, friends. Reality starts again tomorrow!